~My Fair Hades~

The time is........now. The place.......a local park. It's autumn, and two figures are sitting on a park bench taking in the beauty of a quiet fall afternoon. The Child turns to the Babysitter.

"The leaves are really pretty. I like the colors."

"Yeah...."

"They change that way cause winter's coming, right?"

"Uh, yeah... days are shorter and the air is getting colder. All the plants are going to sleep 'til next spring........and you know the reason why, right?"

......"Cause the earth is farther from the sun at this time of year and the axes are tilted?"

"Hmmm....yeah....that's one theory..... but do you know the Real reason fall and winter arrive every year??"

The Child giggled. "Oh yes I DO....... so there!! I know what you're gonna say.......we learned all about myths in school.....Once upon a time, long ago in Ancient Greece there was an evil God of the Underworld called Hades who was riding along in his black chariot. He spied the beautiful young maiden Persephone who was the daughter of the goddesss Demeter, in charge of all plants and growing fell in love with Persephone and swept her away with him and brought her down to his underground kingdom to marry her. And her mom was so upset she caused all the things on earth to stop growing. And Zeus was afraid that mankind would starve.......so he went to Hades and asked him to return Persephone. But she had eaten half a pomagranate down in the Underworld..... and swallowed half of the seeds - so they struck a deal. Half the year -6 months-she stays with Hades down below - the other half she comes back to Earth to visit her mom. And when she's down in the Underworld- it means her mom is sad and jealous, and mourns her daughter by causing all things to wither and die and the weather to get cold and the spring she celebrates by bringing all things back to life 'cause Persephone returns........ Did I get it right???"

"Hmmm.... well.... let me see....your're partly right...if memory serves........Hades was the nasty old God of the Underworld....that much was true....and one day {as he was riding around looking for trouble to cause} he did spy the beautiful Persephone as she was out gathering flowers in a lovely summer garden................. and he Was hopelessly smitten....."

But after introducing himself to her in his uniquely ingratiating style ..................

"Badda Bing Badda BOOM "Ba------be!!!!".... Hades, Lord of the Dead, at your service............. remember the name- you'll be Screaming it in a few hours....."

".............it became obvious he was not her plate of baklava.......and Hades was not used to the word NO."

But he liked a challenge- and so he set out to impress his new lady love with uncharacteristic sentiment and consideration .......

He offered her flowers....a lovely new hybrid of Venus Flytrap and poison ivy.......{bites AND scratches}

He offered her candy..........{chocolate-dipped maggots......"they're grubalicious!!"}

He offered her rare jewels {at 40% discount!}................

He named a new disease after her {Persephonitis Agonizia}........

He even offered to tattoo his name on her butt!!

....but for some reason she did'nt like that idea, either.

............. and Persephone would'nt have Anything to do with the lovestruck god.....she was cold and unimpressed and scornful.....and the Lord of Underworld grew increasingly despondant and lonely......it looked like he'd never win her heart.

He went to the Messenger of the Gods for advice .

Hermes....."Babe..." said {a rather surprised}Hermes, "I think you need to chill out, Man........it's not the Iron Age anymore!! Get with it...women are liberated now.....you gotta treat them with a little respect....you see......know The Rules........get some pointers about being a little......... sensitive...Ya can't just bop them on the head and throw them in the back of the chariot anymore."

Hades......"Ya cant???"

Hermes........."No...ya can't....I'd get a little therapy if I were you, ASAP.......... if not sooner."

Hades......"ya mean.....you want me to get all into that New Age Touchy Feely garbage like how I would like to be treated if *I* were a woman??????"

Hermes......."Yeah, right right, that's exactly it....ya gotta learn a new word Babe....EMPATHY....and if you have trouble I 'd advise you to find someone who can teach it to ya....quick!!!!Toodles, Babe!!!!

So Hades thought hard........and { swallowing his not-inconsiderable-pride} he went to the sweetest, nicest, kindest, most gentlemanly, most sensitive...most empathetic guy he knew..........and asked him politely if Herc might give him a few pointers on the fine art of etiquette.........

."Make me SENSITIVE, ya little *&%#$ putz, or I'll tear you a couple of new belly buttons!!!!

So Herc { kind hearted demigod that he was} thought a bit and went back to his friends to enlist their help............

{his friends were not immediately won over by the prospect........}

Cassandra...."What were YOU THINKING??!!?"

Herc..........He said he'd behave himself for a whole year if we helped him!!!!

Cassandra........You struck a deal with the Lord of the Dead??? The God of the Underworld???? Your arch enemy?? and sworn foe?? That mean guy who keeps trying to kill us all the time!???!!

Icarus..........yes ......that would be the one..........

Herc....... Look- he's family! how could I turn him down?? He...he......swore a truce.... and he needs our help!!!.

Cass......so..... let me get this straight..........we're gonna actually help Hades get someone to fall for him.......so he can get married........and settle down.... and make a whole bunch of little Hades...YES!!!!!...I Love this plan!

Herc...Has it ever occurred to you that if he found the right woman it might turn him around??? That true love might reform him ??That the caring tender affection of the right person would touch his cold black hard heart and awaken a whole new God of the Underworld????"

Icarus {starting to cry}...."That's Beautiful, Herc.......{unlikely}.... but BEAUTIFUL!!" { sobs.....blows nose on Cassandra's sleeve }

Cass.........Yeah- and if you believe that I have some Atlantis real estate for you if you're interested....oh wait- that would'nt work out either- WOULD IT, HERC???"{ hammers Icarus on top of skull driving him four inches into the ground }

Herc......Very .....fine ....Icarus will help me then. He's very good with make overs. He can style Hades hair!

Cass........You're making HIM the hairdresser? OK...what's wrong with that picture???

Icarus ......HEY!!!! you got something to say about my hair?!!????

Cassandra .......Ohh NO..no....nothing...let's just say I don't think Hades will be particularly impressed with your tonsorial skills....."

Icarus................ Who cares about his tonsils?? as long as his hair looks good!!!

And so the hapless trio set up a date for the Hades Makeover.

First....Hades got a nice hot sulphur bath

........the next step was a facial and hair styling

Icarus threw himself into his work with his usual panache.......

Icarus......"People!!!! People!!! Listen up!!! Time stands still for no god... we have Work to do!!!! { can we lose the grey skin and fangs????????}Please!!!! that look is SO yesterday!!!!!!!!!

Hades {to Herc} "Don't you have any other friends???"

Hercules...."ah, well-"

Hades.....I mean, you do know that this guy's, like, a real drag on the ticket, don't ya???"

Icarus ........"Say.......ya know you have really big pores......."

Hades ...... "Yeah?? So??.."

Icarus ........"No, really...they're enormous!!!They are like the Biggest, the grossest, the most crater-like pores I've ever seen........."

Hades......"yeah well, get over it already....."

Icarus......"Wow.... with pores like that you could really-"

Hades....."HEY!! YOU!! "....Cuckoo-for-Cocoa-Puffs"...wanna give it a REST?!!??"

Icarus.........."It's just that I've never seen such problem skin. Not since Medusa, anyway-"

Hades......"Keep it up, Kid, you'll be guest of honor at my next Underworld Weenie Roast!!"

Icarus{grabbing his crotch} "Oh no you don't!!"

Hades{whirling a globe of fire on his fingertips}.......ya see this???? This is a fireball. With your name on it."

Icarus ....."So??""

Hades....."You thought flying into the Sun hurt????"

Icarus ...ahhhh.....Gotcha...... important safety tip.......Avoid ticking off God of Death".

Hades ....."Goodboy!!...he Can be taught!!"

Cass was relutantly bought in as manicurist and stylist,and went to work trimming the Master's claws...

Cassandra.........Sweet Hermes!!!!!!They keep growing back!!!!!

Hades ....Cool, huh????

And believe it or not Hades actually emerged from the session a new god...well on the outside, at least.

Icarus........ "Say....You clean up real nice, Hades!!!"

Hades{ to Herc}......."Are you Sure you don't have any other friends?!!??"

Herc.... "Um....OK......ya...well you Do look great. Or at least a Lot better.....Now we have to work on your ...presentation......"

Cassandra........... "And your breath!!"

Icarus ...."and Elocution!!..{ clears throat} "Repeat after me ........."The Beets -in -Crete -Wilt- Mainly -in- the- Heat!!!!!!!"

Hades........."What ?!!!??"

Icarus....."The- Beets- in- Crete- Wilt -Mainly- In- The -Heat!!"

Hades- "Get away from Me!!!!!!"

Herc ........"Icarus!!! will you knock it off with the beets??? and Hades -you can't lose your temper like that."

Hades............... When the Hell do I lose my temper??!!!!

Herc ....".and don't swear."

Hades "Don't swear??"

Herc ....."or use bad words"

Hades............... "Don't friggin' tell ME I can't say %^$#*&^ you little mother-"

Herc............... "temper Temper!!!!!!!!"

Hades...Hey!!! nothin personal.....It's just how I get my point across....what you would call my own personal idiom...no offense intended.......hey ..there's gotta be some percs to being the Lord of the Dead!!

Icarus...."Yeah Herc,he's a great big super duper major type important kinda ...really.... scary..... god!!!! Give 'im a break!!!!

Hades{snarling at Icarus}............ Back off, Creepshow, I work alone."

Herc ..."Hmmm.........all right...that's fine Hades but ya gotta try to keep it under control....let's see...what else can we work on?? ...ooh Right!!!........when you're on a date in the restaurant you can't incinerate the waitress just 'cause she brought you decaf. Oh.....and the kinda "lady fingers" you eat have whipped Cream in them...not bones."

Hades..................... "That's what You think."

Herc..........and we have to upgrade your casual patter....it's a little....um.........edgy...........ummm....borderline offensive, if you will......"

Hades......."Thankyou. I try."

Herc........"No, no, what I mean is you have to tone it down a bit if you want to win her over......Cass.... you pretend to be his date."

Cassandra..................... "Do I have a choice?? Am I being punished???"

Hades {hopefully}...."Do you Want to be??"

Cassandra......................"EWWWWWW!!!!!!!"

Herc {to Hades}.....See?!!? See?!!?? That's just the kind of thing I'm talking about!!!!.

Hades............ "Well, I was just askin'......."

Herc..........."OK...let's just start from the beginning. Tell me where you'd take her for a first date. How would you impress her???"What do you like to do on a first date????"

Hades......... "hmmm.......Something exciting...but romantic. .......like go watch a natural disaster and take the head count??"

Herc ......."Ummm...gee...I don't think so........how about a play??...what's your idea of a light fluffy comedy??"

Hades..........."Oh that's easy!!! Silence of the Lambs!!"

Herc........."Silence of the Lambs is your idea of a light fluffy comedy!!??!???"

Hades......."Gets funnier every time I see it!! that and "Casino."

Hercules......."Oh Man....this is'nt going good........ok...ok....forget the play.......how about.....ooo I know!!!! wowing her with poetry??? Do you know any good poems???"

Cassandra....."Herc, you gotta be kidding!!!"

Hades.........."Hmmm...I know limericks!! Everyone loves those!! This KILLS 'em in the Underworld...." {clears throat}

"There once was a gassy old Spartan,

Who just could'nt stop his loud-"

Hercules..... OK!!! That's enough!!!

Hades......."No??? How about....

"A guy in the temple of Venus,

Beseeched for a Very large-"

Hercules............ "NO!!!"

Hades...... "OK ok.....I gotcha.....try this on for size-

"Never laugh at Sarcophaghi

Or *you* will be the next to die

They wrap you up in a winding sheet

And give the grubbies dessert to eat-

{Icarus joins in singing at the top of his lungs and starts skipping about the room}

"The worms go in, The worms go out

The worms play pinocle on your snout

So Never laugh at sarcophaghi or YOU--"

Herc......"STOP IT!!!!!STOP IT!!!!! STOP IT!!!!!"{ scratches his head furiously in frustration} "This is'nt going at all well...... Hades.....what you need is some serious counseling!!"

Icarus....Wrong, Herc!!!! what he needs is a spin doctor!!!....and you are in luck, Hades, because, ahem, The Doctor Is IN!!!..{hooks thumbs under armpits and starts to strut}.......*I* can give you a whole new image in her eyes...."

Hades......... "You can???"

Hercules......... "Icarus, don't complicate things"

Hades......... "No, no, let the little weiner talk.........maybe he's got something there......"

Icarus ...."see, we gotta get her attention without looking like you're trying too hard......Maybe we could put a personal ad in the Greekly World News....send her a copy and then she could kinda get to know you a little first without actually having to meet you which, ya know, would be a major advantage....."

Hades....."I take it back. Where did I put that fireball??....."

Hercules..........."Hades!! Knock it off!!! He's only trying to help......"

Hades.........."What!!?? I need the practice!!!"

Icarus......{affecting Shakespearean mode} "Oh, like private parts to the gods are we......they play with us for their sport!!!"

Cassandra.........EWWWW!!!!!!!!

Hades............... hey!! I never touched ya, Pal....I just want you to try something new....something I call ........."shutting up and going away-"

Icarus......" Hey!....No wait....hear me out!!!... Look.........try this on for size........" { Icarus grabs stylus and starts scribbling madly on piece of parchment}

A GUY TO DIE FOR!!!!!!

Lovestruck Underworld Deity seeks gorgeous demi-goddess with which to spend etenity of bliss { or a few thousand hot and heavy weekends}

SSPBDM {Single, Straight, Professional, Blue, Divine, Male} seeks fun, sexy adorable daughter of Spring to share good times- and maybe more!!! {smokers preferred}

* Incredibly, hilariously charming.........in a cheesy, insincere, phony used- chariot -salesman-kinda-way. {But ya know....he makes it work.}

*Appeals to robust, adventurous women not terribly picky about their lifespans.

*Built like a god. Looks *great* for his age. 1200 years old and does'nt look a day over 580.

* Has connections like you would'nt believe......

Hercules......."Oh that's just ridiculous!! Knock it off already, Ick!!! THAT'S not gonna sweep her off her feet!!!Sweet Hermes!!!talk about damning with faint praise!!!!Hades has just got to be himself and meet her face to face........look.....{turns to Hades}let's work on a good opening see her there looking all lovely and you go up to her and ........what do you say?? "

Hades ......"Well, I guess I'd go up to her....grab her in a passionate smooch ...... slip her the tongue....."Hey Babe.....once you've had the H-Man you don't go back!! well.....you don't survive, either, but, ya know, hey, what Else is there to Live for, anyway???

Herc...."Ummmm....."

Hades........"ok ok how about......Badda bing badda BOOM Sweet Cheeks- trot it on down to my place tonight and you'll be staring at my bedroom ceiling til Saturnalia!! Hot-cha cha!!!"

Herc......... "that's....really ..................beautiful.......but uh- maybe you don't wanna come on too strong??"

Hades -" how about- Hey Babe- what does Yours Truly and the Babylonian Gardens have in common?? Here's a hint......We're both "Really" well hu-"

Herc- "*OK!!* that's enough of that- we need to approach this with an entirely different attitude........ Icarus! what are you doing??"

Ick- "I'm writing these down- this is good stuff!!"

Hades-" See?? he likes it!!! .....Wait...that's probably a bad sign........hmmmm....... you know I could just ask her what she likes for breakfast........Hey!!!!! ever see me toast bread in my hair???"

Herc .........." Hades......... she's the daughter of a major Olympian goddess- you have to be more respectful........... pretend you're picking her up for a date. You park the chariot outside her house and go to the door-she's waiting for you."

Hades............"And??"

Herc ......"you tell her how lovely she looks-and you open the door to the chariot for her-

Hades....Ha!!!why should I do that when she's gonna be over my shoulder??"

Herc............." She's not gonna be over yer shoulder!!! you can't treat women like that!!"

Icarus......"He's right- that's for the second date."

Herc ..........."Icarus..........you're Not Helping." {Turns to Hades} "And you have to offer her flowers. Nice ones. Non Poisonous ones. Live ones........and No Worms."

Hades......... Live flowers??? How about LIVE flowers With Worms???

Herc..........No!!!... NO WORMS!! get it ?? no worms!!!!!!! this is a NO WORM ZONE!!!!!

Hades ......Oy!!I gotta bring Something!!!! what else do you suggest???"

Herc......well, yes, of course.....maybe...I don't know.....a nice bottle of wine??

Hades ...Wine? wine??? wine I can do!!!! In fact, only the best for my main squeeze!!!!

Hades looks all excited and happy for a moment and disappears suddenly in a flash. Reappears momentarily with a large clay wine vessel in one hand and his other arm around a naked soaking wet and highly irritated Bacchus, who obvious has just been wrenched out of his bath. Hades holds up his wine bottle.

Hades.........Here, Yer the expert, tell me whatcha think..... huh??? Was " One" a good year??? No, really I think this is great stuff, it's imported all the way from Gaul, ya know....in fact, you might say they used CONQUERED grapes!!!! get it??? get it???conquered??? concord??? Ah, neva mind!!!

The God of Wine and Parties shoots Hades an infuriated look and whooshes off back to Olympus in a huff.

Hades {shrugging to Herc} "Ya know......... for a Party God he's not that much fun???"

Herc....Hades, uh....that's nice wine, that's Ok, but.........

Hades ......BUT??!!???

Cassandra........ But don't forget- you'll have to win over Demeter, too..... it's her daughter you'll be taking to the Underworld. How are you going to bring that up??

Hades.....Easy!! Hey- Demeter...... Babe......I have the Major hots for your only child. How about a Great Big Fat Greek Wedding , huh?? {we already gotta Great Big Fat Greek Goddess!!!!} HA!??? Ha????{ smacks an imaginary Demeter hard on the backside}

Herc..................Ummmmmmm.......... you really don't have a clue, do you????

Hades..........What??? No good?? you think she'll be............... offended???you're saying that will get things off to a bad start??

Icarus............. Slash and Burn, Baby!!!!Slash And Burn!!!!

Herc sighs and rolls his eyes...."OK..let's start at the beginning........".

OK.....so it was'nt easy....but to make a long story short........Herc managed to tame the terrible Tartarian. After all...it was'nt that Hades was'nt without his own peculiar charm- and he was a pretty quick study. He was witty, funny, energetic and well...sorta fun to be with....{sorta}...in a twisted-cry-for-help kinda way........Within a few weeks obnoxious arrogant chauvanistic Hades had morphed into a slightly less obnoxious not quite as arrogant not completely chauvanistic guy. Even Cassandra was impressed.

Pain and Panic were involuntarily morphed into a pair of splendid white stallions....

..................and Hade's gruesome chariot was revamped into a lovely gold and white model sedan and off he went in quest of his love......

Hades......."Wish me luck, Boys!!, and Thanks for everything- I'm gonna find me one Demi-Goddess of Spring and rock her UnderWorld!!!!"

Icarus........"Shine on, you crazy diamond!!!"

Hercules........."You're a total playa!!! Go for it!!! And don't forget to write!!!"

...........And when Hades did confront Persephone, well...it was a whole different epic... she was bowled over!! Hades was masterful but well behaved, a bit overwhelming but witty......generous and charming ...he remembered to be polite and his witty oneliners and hilarious sense of humour went a long way in stealing her heart. Demeter gave her blessing to their union, and Hades married his little Sephy-Wephy-Kins in a beautiful ceremony...........

Hercules........well that's that!!! now we should have no trouble with Hades for a Whole year!!!!!!!!!

"But all was not as it seemed to be...and after a short time of honeymoon bliss Hades noticed his little Sephy-Wephy-Kins was not what she was cracked up to be........

It turned out she was an awful messy little goddess and even the minions could'nt keep up with her slovenly teenage habits. She liked to lie around the Underworld all day watching Tartarus Vision and eating junk food.......she started gaining a ton of weight and she spent money like olive oil. She had very obnoxious slumber parties with Pandora and Echoe .......................

......and she redecorated the Underworld in all her own ideas......including wallpaper,curtains, furniture and appliances all done up in HELLO KITTY."

Hades...............just Look at this place......look at these bills!!! .....and what the F*** is Hello Kitty!!!!?....

See....it turned out that Sephy was not particularly bright and she and Hades really nothing to say to each other........plus the strain of acting like someone he really was'nt was starting to drive the Underworld boss batty.........

Hades......You know.....It's amazing how little I have in common with a 16 year old girl?....

Icarus...."Welcome to "My" world......"

So Hades went back to Demeter and begged her to annull the marriage....

Hades........ Look, Babe, I've had second thoughts about this whole set up.....and I believe I'd like to opt out of the deal....Take Her Back, PLEASE!!!!!!!"

Demeter......"Oh no you don't, Hades, a deal's a deal!!!!! You took her.......YOU keep her!!!! I'm having fun!!! ...arya kidding me?? Open your eyes!!!. I've lost 460 pounds!!!...I play tennis every day now.........I'm dating Silenus and having the Time of my life!!! oh no Hades, she's Your headache now!!!!!! "

In desparation Hades turned to his brother Zeus, and explained the whole mess.

Hades....."Ya gotta help me Bro....I'm not happy in my work!!!"

Zeus {stroking his beard } "Wait a minute.....Let me get this straight. You fell in love, went to a tremendous amount of trouble to land this girl, got married and after 6 lousy weeks you want to ditch the whole idea???

Hades............. "That's why pencils have erasers, Pal."

Zeus..... "yes....... but it's......just...... not... a very classy thing to do......"

Hades{snorting}....Oh, look whose talking Class??!!! The god with the revolving bedroom door??? The god who turned himself into an eagle to swoop down and carry off a 12 year old boy???!!!"The god who invented the Swan Dive???

Zeus .....Ok ok!!........I get your point!!!.I get your point!!!....no need to hammer it home.....Ix-nay on the "ans-sway"..........here comes Hercules........."

Hercules{swooping down on Pegasus}....."I'm here, Dad!!...you called for me???"

Zeus............"Hades wants to split from Persephone, Son."

Herc....."Uh oh......gee.....But you promised to marry her til death do you part!!!......."

Hades........That's the problem!!! we're immortal!! ........should'nt there there automatically a loop hole in there somewhere??!!?? OY!!! What was I thinking????"

Zeus.......... "Well you are both immortal and That's just the point!! You're not dumping a mere human here- you're dumping the daughter of a major Olympian!! She's one of the most powerful goddesses in the whole Pantheon....and you Know we can't afford to get Demeter riled up!! She'll start poking holes in the ozone layer again!!"

Hades {violently grabbing Hercules.}"You got me into this.... you get me OUT!!! I wanna divorce!!!!"

Zeus...."Divorce???.. That's another thing!!!....... if you do divorce her she'll want alimony....and a good chunk of your property.......{and, since we were originally created in California} it means you'll lose your chiton!!.......She'll get Half of Tartarus!!!"

Hades......OY!!!!

Hercules...."OK, ok hold on,.....lemme think.......we learned about this stuff in Pre-Law at school........... Dad?.....let's look at the wedding contract.....is'nt there a Pre-Pomogranate agreement in here somewhere???"

Zeus......"Huh??"

Hercules{ to Hades} ........"I'm asking you ......Did she sign a Pre-Pomogranate agreement when she signed the contract??"

Hades...."Sign it?? I did'nt think she could read it!!"{sighs....whips out the contract from thin air and tosses it rather rudely at Herc}

Hercules........."No wait, wait, look here ya go...."Said first party of the first part, Persephone daughter of Demeter Goddess of the Spring, Seasons and Harvest promises the party of the second part heretofore known as the Husband, one Hades Lord God of the Grecian Underworld is to not eat, drink, suck, nibble, chew, ingest or otherwise consume any part or section of the fruit known as the Pomagranate including but not exclusive to stems, peels, leaves, {Jeeez!!! who wrote this??? a Disney lawyer??!!???}seeds or pulp in the Underworld throughout the duration of the matrimonial state and failure to do so will result
upon blah blah blah....hmmm......blah blah blah...."matrimonial state null and void....."Here it is!! if she ate a Pomagranate you've gotta chance....."

Zeus stroked his beard......"Hmm ............I see what you mean..you might have something there........{ To Hades} "Has she eaten anything while she was down in the Underworld???"

Hades ....."what kind ov a question is THAT???? What *Has'nt* she eaten???"

Zeus.......... Yes, yes of course I know, but ..................has she eaten a pomogranate??"

Hades.................."Well yes................come to think of it she did...once.......she had like half of one. Did'nt like it....too three bites and throws it all over the floor. Oy. Whatta slob."

Hercules .........."So you think it's safe to say she ate let's say...half the seeds....??"

Hades..........."yeah....OK...so??"

Hercules{triumphantly} .........That's works out perfectly then!!!........ did you know there are exactly 365 seeds in a pomogranate?!!!!?"

Hades............."Big whup."

Hercules......."But don't you understand!!??? There are 365 seeds in a POMOGRANATE!!"

Hades......"You need a life, ya know that????"

Hercules.........."and each seed represents a day of the year.........".

Hades { to Zeus}..........."is he going somewhere with this???

Hercules.........."That means if she's eaten Half the seeds the rule is she has to stay married to you for half the year......the other half she goes home to Mother!!"

Hades.........."Who makes this stuff up???"

Hercules..........."It's your standard Pre-Pomogranate clause....and it's saving your Underworld hide...... Let her stay down with you for 6 months of the year, and on Earth the other 6 months.........that way everyones happy!!"

Zeus........"Seems fair to me, Hades."

Hades......."But I .........but she........Oy!! all right, all right!!!...I guess it will have to do.....well.......Tartarus is pretty big...when she comes down to visit I can always stay late at the office or be away on an extended business trip or.......Badda bing!!! How about I invent something new to keep myself occupied when she's down here??!!..........How about........"Cold and Flu season!!????" How's that sound???

Hercules...."Er.....that's not exactly what I had in mind..."

Hades........No, no, no, my dear little genious nephew, this works out GREAT!!! .......YES!!!!!! she can come down all she wants.........I'll be so busy working on back orders ....we won't run into each other for Weeks at a time and the Underworld population index will Soar....as long as she's down below, of course. It will level out when she goes back home....and everybody gets a breather ....{HA! til her next visit!!} Badda Bing!! Beautiful!!!..........{turns to Herc} Just one thing.........".

Hercules............ "What's that??"

Hades................. "DON'T YOU EVER LET ME FALL FOR ANOTHER PRETTY FACE!!!!"

..........and so half the year Persephone remains down below in her Underground kingdom-and her Mom celebrates by throwing a big party and Spring bursts onto the earth........ the world is warm and green and sunny cause Mom's having such a good time and the other half of the Persephone spends above the Earth and Demeter is so busy dealing with her pain-in-the-ass-teen daughter that she has no time to do anything and puts the job on hold and stops growing things and that's when it gets cold and rainy and snowy and that's why people get sick a lot...Hades is keeping himself busy. And that's the story of the seasons."

The Child giggled.

"That's a silly story. I'll bet you made that up.!!!"

"Well..... maybe I did and maybe I didn't.....at any rate - it's over.... and now it's time to go home. How about some hot chocolate??"

"Can we have hot pomagranate juice instead??"

"Hmmmm.....with seeds??? Sure...why not??

"Ya know what??"

"What???"

"You're the bestest babysitter in the world.....how do you know all this stuff, Cassandra???"

"Oh.........I've been around!!!....."