A fist snaps out (your fist snaps out but it seems so unfreakingbelievable that you can't even think it).
His head flies back and the sound shattersbreaksfractures through the silence with a violent crack.
And he's standing there, shock clear on his face and crimson rivulets running down pale skin, leaving behind ruby streaks that you stare at with a mix of revulsion and pride.
You did that.
You should feel guilty, he's your brother after all, but you just don't.
You aren't an idiot but god Justin and Alex have been picking on you for your entire life. You were content to just let it be, but you had reached your breaking point (the end of the line, the final straw, whatever other cliché you could think of that means youaresodonewiththis) and the result was staining the carpet underneath Justin's feet bright, bright garnet. Bile rises up your throat and you don't know what the fuck you're doing anymore.
Alex walks in, some word half-formed on her lips and freezes, shock etched clearly onto normally indiscernible features.
You look down at your fist, the livid purple staining the knuckles already, and once again you feel sick, but then you look back up and Alex is already tending to Justin, tipping his head back and attempting to stop the bleeding that you caused. And all of a sudden you're furious again.
You were a part of this family.
You had grown up with them.
And howthehell could they do this to you?
How could they do this at all?
The guilt melts away like lines drawn in the sand on a beach and you walk from the room, head high and shoulders thrown back, as if you're proud (which you aren't youshouldnotbe but you know you look like you are).
You can feel their glares and you should care, but after what they did, you just don't give a shit anymore (lieslieslies, they're all you tell these days).
Up the stairs, down the hall, into your room, lock the door, turn on loud music, and just breathe.
You can't remember how things used to be, which is so strange because you had fifteen years of things being one way and a few days of them being different, but the different was somuchtoomuch that it erased all that used to be.
Things used to be boring, safe, the same (which actually sounds kind of awful, but now that it's gone you miss it so badly).
Now everything was different and weird and you didn't know what to do or where you fit or who anyone was anymore.
Because they did this terribleawfulohdeargod thing and you saw it, you were a freaking witness as to why everything is now fucked up beyond repair.
They were not supposed to do this.
Alex.
One word meant so many things.
It meant the girl that annoyed you and played pranks on you and planned pranks with you (and sometimes you wanted to hate her for the first two, but the third one balanced it all out).
It was the older, wiser sibling that had been called evil genius too many times to even consider being something else (and sometimes you wonder if she chose the path she's on, or if it was chosen for her without consent or agreement).
It meant that she was always right, even when she wasn't, because she was Alex and she could do whatever she wanted and she was so strong that you knew the world would bend to any of her whims, no matter how ridiculous or absurd, because she would make them sound entertaining, pleasurable, like the right choice.
It meant safety (if you needed it badly enough) and caring (if you paid the right price) and family (sometimes more than anyone else, because she was the only one that ever bought into your schemes).
And now it meant something else.
.
Justin.
One word meant so many things.
It meant the boy that annoyed you and didn't know how to pull off a prank and taught you about morals and ethics and right and wrong (and jeezus are those twisted now).
It was the older, wiser sibling that had been called the responsible one too many times to even consider being something else (and sometimes you wonder if he wanted to be who he is, or if someone shoved him down the path he was on without questions about his preferences).
It meant that he was always right, even when he wasn't, because he was Justin and he had memorized the encyclopedias at eight and he was so strong that you knew that the world would bend to any of his whims, no matter how boring or lackluster, because he would make them sound logical, understandable, like the right choice.
It meant safety (whenever you needed it) and caring (even though his version was the manly one, where it's all slaps on the back and lame jokes about stupid things) and family (sometimes more than anyone else because he was the only one who knew you acted stupider than you actually were).
And now it meant something else.
Duplicityliescatastrophe.
You all had your roles to play.
They were easy, crystal clear, set out before you were even born.
He was oldest, so he would be responsible (he'd have to be, so he felt like he had a purpose, a reason). He would be smart so he could fix all the messes that his two younger siblings made (mostly Alex's, but sometimes yours) and kind so that he cared enough to repair the mistakes (if he didn't care, then why would he bother?).
She was the middle child, so she'd be kind of selfish (used to getting her way as the baby of the family before you came along). She would be devious so she could cause all sorts of chaos (and you do mean all sorts) and have a good heart so that the chaos was maybesortakinda contained (sometimes the line was just alittletoothin and she jumped gleefully over it).
You were the youngest, so you'd be the comic relief. You would slack, so that the oldest had something to fix and the middle had something to feel superior to. You'd act stupid so that the house had laughter and you wouldn't care that most of the time they were laughing at you, not with you (lieslieslies).
They brokefree and ditched the paths they had been on their entire lives (further proving that you don't think they wanted to be who they were).
Somewhere, inside of you, in that place deep in your chest that you had always ignored (because you knew that no good would come from paying attention to whatever it was trying to tell you), you just knew that this was going to happen, that they were going to do this.
It didn't make the fact that they actually did it any easier.
They lied and they cheated and they brokedestroyedwrecked everything.
And what was worse than you hating the two people that you're closest to in the entire world for ruining your life?
You suspected that you didn't really hate them at all (but you needed someone to blame, and there they were, and no this wasn't their fault, but it was, hadtobe, someone's fault and justfuckitall you're so confused).
You sit down on your bed, angry music pouring around the room and nearly blocking out the sounds of Alex knocking on your door and you breathe and think.
You try to rationalize it.
Was it really their fault?
Did they mean to do this?
Should you hate them?
Should you love them?
Forgive them?
Moments flash through your head like some cliché movie and it's just all so freaking obviousevidentapparent.
They were fighting, again, and then, they fell. Justin was sprawled ungracefully on the floor, Alex spread out over him. It was awkward, Justin trying to get up and Alex trying to slide away and really all that was happening was they kept getting more and more tangled up in each other. Elbows dug into sides and legs were quickly becoming bruised from hitting one another and bones banged against each other, and it must have hurt, hurt, hurt. But then, they stopped squirming at exactly the same moment. And Alex sighed deeply, surrender in that release of breath, before slowly moving closer and brushing her lips against his cheek (and yeah, so that wasn't exactly innocent, but howinthehell were you supposed to know that they were going to do this?).
There was this shiftmovechange after she pulled away and then somehow, everything fit. Their bodies fit together like puzzle pieces and legs locked and fingers twined together tightly and lips curved up into warm smiles (and okay, you should've seen this coming, you know you should've, but you couldnothavethought that they were going to do this).
Then they got up and walked away and you were left blinking and doubting your personal sanity (and you still wonder if they did these things in front of you on purpose because they wanted you to know but were too scared to just straightupflatout tell you).
Their breath mingled together, and they were so close that when Justin spoke, his lips brushed against Alex's (this time you don't think that they knew you were here and you don't know if that made the things that they did weirder or more understandable). Justin gripped Alex's wrists in one of his hands and the other arm was wrapped around her waist, keeping her from moving away. "I'm so sorry, I wouldn't have gone through it if I had known what it was. It isn't like it was labeled top secret or there were big red letters saying DO NOT OPEN. There is no way that I could have known. I am sorry though."
Alex had walked in to see Justin going through her sketchbook, the one with all the drawings of Justin in it, and she was absolutely furious (and once again, this should have told you something, but you had been eavesdropping and you couldn't just believe everything you heard didnotcouldnotwouldnot).
She nearly exploded at Justin, and it had taken her three hours to calm down long enough to even think of listening to an explanation. Sadly, it was a pretty good explanation and now she probably felt like an idiot for yelling (it's just a guess, but she's got regret in her eyes so you think it's a pretty accurate one).
"Okay. Well, I guess… I guess I shouldn't have yelled. But next time ask before you go through any of my stuff, alright?" Justin smiled easily, 'of course' written all over his face.
This was one of the few fights that they had had that was resolved so easily (and were they them at this point? In that ohgodwhathaveyoudone kind of way, or was it just before when they were just starting to deviate from the path and nothing too extreme and unfixable had been done yet?).
You want answers, but your still doubting your sanity so you don't ask the desperate questions crowding your mind or speak the unbelievable statements trying to slip from your mouth.
In the center of town, there was a long street where all the really good shops were (according to Alex and she dragged you and Justin there are the time, but you didn't really care). There were often teenagers sauntering down it, quite a few adults carrying toddlers and infants, and various couples also strolled up and down the street. It was just after winter, things were finally getting warm again, and Justin and Alex were walking down the left side of the street, window-shopping and laughing (you were walking behind them, but no one was going to notice you, not when they were around).
Alex froze while they were walking, looking across the street to an obviously newly wed couple and simply stared at them. Justin stopped and turned back when he noticed Alex wasn't with him anymore.
"Hey, what's up?" He asked, his eyes as concerned as his voice was casual (and man, you didnotknow that he could act at all, let alone like that).
"Nothing, just a stupid thought I had. No big deal." Alex laughed, and Justin shrugged before they began walking down the street again.
But Alex glanced back at the couple, the so happy and obviously together couple, with longing written all over her face. She wanted that. She really, really wanted that (at the time you thought she just wanted a boyfriend, but now you understand she wanted that, the kid and the ability to be so obviously a couple, with Justin and ohgodthisdoesnotgeteasier).
You sigh, more snippets of times just like these gliding through your thoughts and it makes you realize a lot of things (mainly that you may actuallybethatstupid for not getting it before).
This wasn't their fault.
They didn't mean to do this.
You could never hate them.
You would always love them.
There was nothing to forgive.
So they were in love.
And your family had been torn apart (and maybe it would've been easier to swallow if it was just Alex but it was Justin and he just didn't do these kinds of things).
But they were in love.
And they were family.
So maybepossiblyperhaps that was enough.
The terribleawfulcannotspeakofit thing occurred two weeks ago.
You went into the lair with your father, looking for something (you can't remember what and you doubt you ever will) and they're just there.
Lying on the couch, well he is, she's more on him than the couch.
And you can't breathetakeinairgasp.
They hear the strangled choke that escapes you lips in place of the air that your lungs desperately need and they leap apart, staring at you with horror etched onto their faces and regret shining in their eyes and apologies are forming on their lips.
Then they see your dad (their dad and ) and they freeze, their looks shifting from apologetic to defiant and regret quickly changing to rebelliousness (and you wonder for a minute why the reactions are different for you and for him, if it's because they think you might accept them or if it's because your opinion matters more).
You back up, leaning against the wall as your father completely loses it (and for a minute you want to make a joke about the hulk, but they already broke out of their roles so why should you stay in yours?) his fists are shaking and spit is flying from his mouth and his entire face is flushed tomato red.
They simply move closer to each other and for a minute you stare in shockawedisbelief at their sheer audacity because yeah, so you could possibly hate them, but they're still your older siblings no matter what (and that should've told you something right there, but maybe you hadbeen playing stupid for too long).
Then your mom (their mom) walks in and all hell breaks lose.
It takes her a minute to get the gist of what is happening, but as soon as she does her disappointment matches your father's fury and she's staring at them in that way only mother's can (once again a joke about mother's meeting just to practice their disappointed stares pops into your head but you swallow it back down before it can escape your lips).
They move closer again, her right arm slipping around his waist and her left hand intertwining with his where it rests on her shoulder.
You're used to her looking like this, defiant and rebellious and passionate and furious (and you finally understand what people mean when they say that they think they've seen a fallen angel, because if there ever was one, it would be her) but you have never seen him look like he does now, so impassioned and insolent and mutinous and irate (and you can't believe that this is what both of them finally decide to fight for in that allornothingknockdowndragout kind of way).
You know that they care about things, magic and art and robots, but they have nevereverever been like this.
They have never been so intense before, never really stood up for something like this, let alone stood as a united front.
And now, now they were standing there with blank looks on their faces and fingers locked together. Your parents were still screaming but you could barely hear them and you doubted they were listening either. Eventually (years, minutes, months later) they stop screaming and Alex gives them this look that just screams 'are you finished?' (and howthefuck is she managing to turn it around to make it seem like they are the ones being irrational?) and then when they say nothing, Justin speaks.
"We'll move if you want. Never talk to you again. Change our last names. But there is no way you are separating us. And we want to talk to Max no matter what. Well, as long as he wants to." His voice is calm and Alex gives you a faint smile before the both of them turn back to your parents and wait for their judgment.
Your mother screams that she wants them outofthishouse as soon as they find an apartment (you guess that mom instinct is nearly impossible to kill) and to nevercomeback.
Your father yells about how they have noright to talk to you either (and this is where you have to decide what you're going to do, break away like your siblings or keep ambling down the path that was waiting for you at birth) and they just walk from the room, leaving silence in their wake.
And finallyatlast you need to decide what the hell you are going to do.
And really, this whole thing was probably pointless.
Because there is justnofreakingway you are going to cut them out of your life. It'd be like going blind and deaf at the same time, for no reason whatsoever, and why would anyone (sane or insane or somewhere in between) make that decision.
So you have made your decision.
And now that you have, you know that it's the right choice.
After all, how could you hate them for being in love? It wouldn't be right to hate them just because someone somewhere fucked up hugelymajorlyhorrifically and made them related.
You turn off your music and open the door, and Alex is looking at you, eyes full of tears and apologies and sorrow and you just sigh (in that all suffering jesusyouareapainintheass kind of way that everyone in your family had perfected a long time ago) and you pull her into a hug.
And the meaning of Alex changes once again, to warmcomfortfamiliar and yeah, so they destroyed the family, but it was for love and there probably isn't a better excuse than that.
And the meaning of Justin changes once again to wiseolderallknowing and yeah, now it was kind of easy to see that he had been waiting for her his entire life.
You pull out of the hug, sliding your arm around her shoulder and walking down the stairs with her, shaking Justin's hand, saying sorrybutiamaman with your eyes and his own eyes warm with acceptance, suddenly more green than gray (and they're always gray when he's sad and they've been gray for a long time now).
Alex yanks the both of you into some bizarre three-way hug that you can't remember ever having experienced before (and dearlorditsucks that everything had to fall apart so that they would finally stop thinking of you as their dorky little brother and start thinking of you as their friend).
She pulls away and begins to tell you about the apartment they found and the job that he found at the library and how she was probably going to waitress and how she got accepted into NYU (and for a second it's ohgodiamaterriblebrother because how could you not know that your sister got accepted into college?) and both of them look so excited, so in love, and you can't believe that your parents are trying to take this away from them (that you thought about trying to take this away from them).
They destroyed your family.
But they were already talking about how you could decorate the extra room in their apartment (and yeah, you realize that since there are only two rooms and they say that there's going to be an extra one that means they're staying together in one room and ohdeargoditisstillhard but it's getting easier to breathe and understand the more that you notice how they look at each other).
She looks at him like he's the wholeentirefucking world and he looks at her like she's thesunthemoontheocean. They look at each other like they're everythingsomethinganything.
And so you'll forgive them (even though you already decided that they don't really need forgiveness) and you'll tell them about how you want your room orange (they'll help you decorate using magic, because they want to use it all they can until they have to lose it to you because she's more important than becoming known in the wizard world to him and he's more important than causing chaos to her) and they'll laugh and say they're going down to the furniture store and would you like to come with? (and once again wowjesuschristohmygod this is weird, but they're like your freaking everything, so whatever).
Days later and you're helping them move out. They had already found a nice apartment and filled it with furniture and painted all the walls (orange in what had already been determined as your room, green in theirs, and cool blue everywhere else). You were packing up Justin's room (Alex refused to let you touch her stuff) and ignoring the disapproving stares both parents have been bestowing upon you all day.
Months later and they're happy. You spend every other weekend with them and don't care that your parents frown every time you say your leaving (they're getting a little better, but they still don't approve atall).
They're almost nauseating (and it's more because of the couple thing than the sibling thing, and that probably means a lot) and they argue over stupid things but they're so obviouslyclearlytotally in love and its actually kind of beautiful or something (not that you will ever say it out loud).
Years later and they're still together, still all coupley (and yeah, you know it's not a word, thanks a ton Justin) and happy (no kids because not only can you not see them with children, but, well, there's that whole genetics thing) and you've found a cute girl (a witch, so you've still got the family powers even though you're going to ask her to marry you soon).
And everything is good.
Which is weird and cliché and howintheworld did everything work out like this?
It was defying all the odds, against all expectations.
But they did it anyways (of course they did).
You're old now (horribly old and the only reason you've lasted this long is because of the magic). You had children and grandchildren and you lived a good life even though things were strained with your parents because you wouldn't shun Alex and Justin like they did, but they still loved you. You had married a pretty witch and settled down in New York, away from Manhattan but still close enough to go there and hang with Alex and Justin (and really, you wouldnothavecouldnothave survived without them because they were your sight and your hearing and without them you were deaf and blind and what kind of life was that?). You still had a room at their place, up until their death, a room with bright orange walls that felt so alivewarmlikefamily.
They had passed away a while ago, within hours of each other (and how exactly could your parents have not noticed that ?). Your wife had died a few months ago and you were honestly pretty tired.
Life had been good.
There was a point, when you were fifteen and the world was crashing down around you (and ohdearlord how did you all survive?) when you thought that everything wasn't going to turn out as awesome as it did.
You wanted to hate them (but you couldn't, not really) and it got a little (a lot) easier about one year after they had gotten together. You had still been a little (a lot) iffy, but then Justin had said something, and everything was all of a sudden so easyclearunderstandable.
"Max, my whole life is Alex. Its fixing her messes and mocking tourists and only letting each other in when we're both awake at midnight and there's no around to see. My entire life, it has been about her, with her, just… her. I've been waiting for it too, and I haven't been happy, not really. But now I'm with her and I smile all the time and I laugh more than ever and I'm finally with someone that matters. Please, understand that, at the very least."
He said it with this serene look on his face, his eyes full of conviction and mouth upturned into a smile (that you hadn't ever noticed only appeared when he was with her until now) that covered his face.
You had never seen your brother this happy.
So, yeah, things were a little more comprehensible.
And then, another year after that, Alex sat down next to you and handed you an ice cream and just stared at the city spread out below the two of you. You sat there in silence for hours, just waiting, because you know she has something to say, she's just trying to think of how to say it.
"He's just… he's a dork and he speaks freaking alien and knows how to build a robot with no help from magic and he's memorized the dictionary and he's just everything, Maxie. He's been there since I was born, and it took me a while to notice, but he's like half of my body, half of my soul. If you lost one of us, it would suck, but you could move on, function and work and keep living. But if I lost him… I wouldn't be me anymore. And I don't know if you'll ever be able to accept it, but can't you understand it? Without him, I'm not me. What's more simple than that?"
She said it with such certainty, such conviction in her eyes and lips curved into a warm smile (and, god, you forgot how pretty she could look when she wasn't smirking) that makes her entire face light up.
You had never seen your sister this happy.
So, okay, that was pretty simple.
So it took you a while, but you got there, you that they didn't choose this, (well they kind of did, there was the path they were meant for and the path that everyone else said they should take and you're still so strangely proud that they took the one they were meant for) that they were inevitable and forever and in love.
You were so old now, and everyone else was gone, and you had had a good life.
You could let go now.
You close your eyes.
And you breathe.