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Courtship for Dummies

Chapter One

Allen and Kanda were stuck once more in one of their regular arguments in the dining hall. As both Kanda's soba and Allen's towering pile of food lay forgotten by their respective owners, the other occupants in the room quickly backed away from the two exorcists whose attention was fixed solely on each other.

It had started with the same old progression of insults. ("You eat too much Moyashi" "My name is Allen, Bakanda!") By now they had reached the point of the fight where they had run out of their usual insults and had settled for glaring at each other. Witnesses to these frequent scenes would swear they could see sparks flying from their angry gazes and a gathering of storm clouds overhead.

It was at this point General Tiedoll entered the dining hall, instantly drawn to the hostility at the far side of the room. His eyes narrowed in anger as he immediately hastened towards the younger exorcists, whose glaring contest came to an abrupt end as Tiedoll forcefully dragged Kanda away from Allen. Allen would have laughed at the shock on Kanda's face, who was being held securely against the General's chest, if his own face wasn't set in a similar state of shock as Tiedoll glowered down at him like an overprotective parent. Luckily for him, Lavi was paying close attention and even dared to take a few steps closer to the action for a better view.

Before either of the stunned exorcists could formulate a response to the unexpected development General Tiedoll let rip.

"How dare you try to corrupt my Yu-chan! Gazing at him passionately in public, you shameless lothario!"

Allen's jaw dropped, Kanda looked like he was choking and Lavi was tempted to take notes. Marie, who was standing just behind Tiedoll gave a slight nod to indicate his agreement with his Master's outcry.

"My poor boy subjected to such travesty, trying to deflower his innocence behind my back! You beast! No more! I shall defend my son's honour from you rogue, so stay back, dirty minded scoundrel. I'll have your guts strung up like Christmas lights if you so much as think about stealing my Yu-chan's virtue, you mangy cur!"

Allen swallowed nervously as a dangerous glint in Tiedoll's eyes was directed at him. Raising his hands in a submissive manner he took a step back and opened his mouth to try and clear up the unbelievable misunderstanding. Unfortunately for him the drama was taken to a continuing level of absurdity with the entrance of his own Master; General Cross, universally acknowledged womanizer and proud of it.

Tiedoll, catching sight of Cross who had presently swaggered into the dining hall, turned his tirade in a new direction.

"You braggart! It's all your fault, teaching your student your licentious ways!"

However Tiedoll was unable to continue anymore with his rant as tears broke forth, alongside an effusion of snot at the thought of anyone trying to defile his cute Yu-chan.

Allen felt like crying, Kanda was bent double as he persisted to choke and Lavi had succumbed to taking notes.

General Cross taking stock of the room, moved to his apprentice, a smile taking form on his face. Allen anticipated a sharp blow to the head as Cross came to a stop just beside him.

"I'm proud of you, baka apprentice. Finally becoming a man, at least I managed to teach you something, took your sweet time though, for a while I thought you were deformed in some way, apart from the obvious." Cross waved his hand inattentively in the direction of Allen's red hand, while studying Kanda's figure.

At this point Kanda had managed to regain his composure and promptly fought off Tiedol's hands in order to shout his denials to the accusations of his Master, who exclaimed in response:

"You don't have to be afraid anymore, I'm going to save you!"

"Baka, shut up! I hate the damn Moyashi."

"That's it, let it out. Tell Papa everything!"

Losing it, Kanda fell back to cursing and throwing whatever came to hand, which happened to consist of Allen's forgotten dinner, all utensils included. Tiedoll, moving with the skill that could only be harnessed by a General of the Black Order was managing to deflect all of Kanda's projectiles with a single plate. Allen idly noticed that Kanda hadn't brandished Mugen at the General and thought to himself that later, when alone in his room, he would cry about the loss of all that mouth-watering food.

It was Cross who interrupted Allen's musings as he'd finished his perusal of Kanda's body. He spoke with complete seriousness, a look of intense concentration on his face.

"She's a bit…well manly, an athletic body, clear skin, sexy long hair and damn that's a fine ass, well done."

Suddenly a spoon flew past their heads and a fork landed in the table in front of them, embedded in the wood.

"I'm a man, asshole!" Kanda managed to spare them a glare before continuing to fend off Tiedoll.

"Oh and feisty too! You lucky bastard!"

Cross didn't seem to be bothered by Kanda's revelation, but his smile did take on a rather creepy, perverse edge as he again focused on watching Kanda. The spectators of the unfolding drama, enthralled by the events so far, switching between the infuriated Kanda with General Tiedoll and the pitiful Allen with General Cross, now seemed to be waiting for Allen's reply to his Master's comments. Even Lavi was looking at him expectantly, pen poised for action. Therefore, doing the only logical thing he could think of, Allen ran.

Kanda, following Allen's example grabbed his soba, which had miraculously remained unharmed in the preceding activities, and also ran out of the hall, Tiedoll close at his heels.

The spectators soon broke the stunned silence with excited chatter, ensuring that the whole event would soon be known throughout the Black Order's headquarters.

--TBC--