title: switching sides, or wow could i have made a crappier title?
author: ohwhatsherface
note: Lol I loved Karin in 489. MEET MY CRACK OTP. Or well, one of them. AND OMG ZOMBIE!ITACHI ILU.
warnings: pairings all over; the crappiest ending ever; inability to fit this fic into canon
disclaimer: I do not own Naruto.

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"So I'm a lesbian."

It was said so offhandedly, so casually, so utterly nonchalantly that her team couldn't help but gape at her for a good minute or so. Completely unaffected by their silence, Sakura took a sip from her tea and smiled at them.

Naruto was first to speak. "I'm sorry—what?"

"I've decided that I am a lesbian," Sakura said slowly, hoping that would help him comprehend better.

"You don't decide this sort of thing," Sasuke pointed out with a scowl.

Sakura shrugged. "Fine. I have accepted it." There was a small tint of red on her cheeks. "I've been... well I've experimented in the past and like... wondered. And now," Sakura looked down and smiled whimsically, "Well now I know."

"Hm." Sai looked rather thoughtful. "And what are the signs that usually cause one to wonder?" he asked with a curious smile. The only one who missed his small glance at Naruto was, naturally, Naruto.

Sakura's grin only widened. "Um, well to be completely honest, I sort of don't know. I guess my change was partly like... a process of elimination."

"SEE! THEN YOU ARE NOT A LESBIAN!" Naruto shouted. He scoffed at her, because obviously, in matters of the heart, Naruto knew best. Obviously. "YOU DON'T JUST ELIMINATE MEN—" He stopped to frown. "Why would you eliminate men?"

Sakura waved a hand. "Meh, they're too whiny and they need attention and care and you have to feed them and—" She shuddered. "They're not worth the hassle, really."

Sasuke scowled. "That's stupid."

"And I've just had my share of bad experiences, okay?" The words were said in a tone that signalled the end of that conversation. "Just..." Sakura smiled at the three, her gaze lingering on Sasuke. "Just—can't you guys be happy for me? I'm in love."

"...AUTUMN SKIES," Naruto pointed out. "YOUR HEART IS FICKLE, REMEMBER? YOU'LL FIND SOMEONE ELSE IN A FEW YEARS. SOMEONE PREFERABLY BLOND. BLUE-EYED. MAYBE EVEN NAMED NARUTO. JUST SAYING."

Sakura rolled her eyes. "Oh, shut up."

"NO? WELL THEN WHAT ABOUT A SASUKE?" the loud blond continued. "KINDA EMO, THIS TALL, BITCHY, BUT APPARENTLY HE'S GOOD LOOKING, ACCORDING TO GIRLS AROUND HERE. DUNNO WHAT THEY'RE THINKING, THOUGH—"

"Shut up," Sasuke hissed, punching Naruto. As Naruto rubbed his sore forehead, Sasuke faced Sakura, shaking her by the shoulders desperately. "Sakura, just... what about..." He couldn't find the words. "Well what about..."

"What about you?" she finished, raising an eyebrow. He didn't nod or respond, but Sakura got the idea and giggled. She swatted at his arms half-heartedly and took a step back. "Oh, Sasuke, don't be silly! Of course I didn't actually mean what I said that night! 'I love you'? Ha, please! I mean, we learn how to manipulate guys' feelings when we're like, what, eight?" At his crestfallen expression—or well, crestfallen at Sasuke-standards—Sakura stiffened. "Oh, oh, please don't tell me you actually believed me..."

In silence, Sasuke got into proper emoing position.

Sakura cringed. "Oh, my god, I am so sorry—"

"Sakura-chan!"

Hearing an all too familiar voice call Sakura's name so familiarly, Sasuke's head whipped up.

No fucking way.

KARIN?!

The redhead jogged over to where they stood, standing way too close to Sakura in Sasuke's opinion. And really, what was that touching business going on? Sakura wasted no time before she pressed a kiss to Karin's lips in greeting. Karin tried to keep her in position, not quite caring that they obviously had an audience, but Sakura wanted to clear the air first. Ignoring Naruto's foaming at the mouth, she smiled at them and declared:

"Karin and I are in love."

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"Jeez, Itachi, don't you think you might've gone a bit too hard on the bastard?" Kisame asked, wincing at the sight of Itachi's younger brother. Sasuke had fallen to the floor and was screaming and clutching at his head in utter agony.

Itachi shrugged, turning an apathetic eye to Sasuke's shaking form.

"His hate must grow."

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