Title: Hale no, Hale yes.
Characters: Jasper, Alice, Bella, Rosalie, Edward, Jacob, Eric, Angela, Emmett, Carlisle, Esme, Charlie, Paul, Seth
Main Pairings: Alice/Jasper, Alice/Rosalie, Edward/Jasper
Disclaimer: I own the chocolate I am eating, and my brain, but you don't want either of these.

AN: So here I was trying to write an Edward/Bella fic which then turned into a Jasper/Alice fic, that ended up here... So please be patient with me and try to not be weirded out. Even if I was to start of with...

Thanks to my team of pre-readers when I suffered pre-whatever nerves. Darkira, you rock, vampisthenewblack and kuroiBlackNightingale, thank you for pushing aside any issues with content and pre-reading and beta'ing for me.

~*~

Summary: English teacher Alice has a plan: to lure Math teacher Jasper Hale to her side, but her plans backfire when he sets her up -- with his sister. Change of plans: ensure Jasper walks down the aisle -- with Edward AH,Femslash,Slash A/R, E/J

Chapter 1

"Honey, these aren't going to dry if you leave them here. No matter how much you try. It's Forks, Alice, where there is more moisture in the air than there is in these poor undergarments of yours."

"I love the snarkastic tone you have when you call me honey, Bella. It makes your patronizing tone that much easier to take," I murmured, continuing my careful application of nail polish to my little toe.

My nonchalance was on purpose; I knew the dismissive tone of my voice would be irksome to Bella; just as I knew my room-mate hated it when I sounded amused by her. So I sniggered for good measure. My room-mate also hated that I was so dismissive of her well-meaning advice, especially when it came to living in Forks, Washington where it was constantly wet, cold and well... wet. Having grown up in Missouri meant at least periods of long, dry summers. Here - nothing of the sort. Just rain to cloudy days to more rain. I have no idea why I let Bella talk me into moving here with her.

Bella grew up here, but moved away to go to college. After living here for a year, I can see why. Did I mention it rains here? We met while attending Brown. Both of us were on scholarships and our friendship was borne out of the same plight: not of the privileged crowd. After meeting while feeling sorry for ourselves because we both had shitty roommates, we became fast friends. We were each other's rally crowd, cheering each other on to finish our respective degrees. We moved on afterward, bolstering each other's career paths; mine armed with my teaching degree and her with her science who-ha-whatsit-thingee... over my head stuff, but we got good jobs and managed to stay in the same city. However, when her father became ill, she decided to move back here. And being the schmuck that I am, I came back to keep her company, and to work at the local High School after some old lady died or retired or something.

Did I mention I moved in with her and her ailing Dad? Yeah, fun. A regular sorority house with an ex-cop under the same roof. Of course, I'm being sarcastic!

Huffing under my breath, I decided to get up to help her. Bella stood there and watched me cumbersomely get to my feet, my toenails freshly painted for the evening's events. Yes, announce it to the world - spinster Alice has a date! My first date. With eligible bachelor number one! Go me! Hallelujah! Tonight, Steve, my date is.... one Mister Jasper Hale. (Obviously I watch far too many game shows on TV.)

Jasper was the Math and Computer Science teacher, doubling as the Career and Guidance Counselor at Forks High School where I work. He also happened to be the only living, breathing man in within the Forks city limits who isn't gray, old, married... or jail-bait. (I will leave that last to your imagination, but I will say, I think there is something in the water here. Fine specimens. Fine specimens.)

Right, back to Jasper: he was a man who was passionate about racing motorcycles and a fan of something called the Moto Grand Prix, always rabbiting on about Melandri, Rossi and Takahashi... (or was it Yogimashi?), but at least he had extolled the achievements of our local Americans Nicky Hayden and Colin Edwards with great enthusiasm. A passionate man, indeed.

Luckily for me -- Jasper Hale also happened to be a tall, blond God... At least from where I stood. Yeah I know - not very high. I'm sure the weather climate was totally different from where I was, but I hoped for a glimpse into that world of his whenever he would lift me up into his arms. (I'm optimistic - sue me.)

Wiggling my toes in an effort to make them dry faster, I smirked a little at my thoughts. Still a little pensive, I blankly watched as Bella tried to simultaneously glare hard at me while moving my barely drying underwear from the front porch nearer to the fire, hanging them over the back of a couple of chairs. She stumbled and got poked in the chest for her trouble. Oops. I held in the snicker this time.

Rubbing her hand across her chest, she muttered, "Thanks for the help, Alice. It's your clothes I'm trying to get dry here you know." I couldn't help it. I laughed. Bella gave me a pointed look, before saying in a dry tone, "Brevity is the soul of wit."

Pointedly, I aimed the tip of my nail file in her direction. "Brevity is the soul of lingerie as Dorothy Parker once said. Don't get that luscious brown hair into a tangled twist, Bella Swan. If it bothers thee so much, hie us hence to the nearest laundromat. That dryer is not about to fix itself." Slowly, I narrowed my eyes at my brunette friend who squirmed, knowing it had been her fault our dryer was out of commission. As I shuffled across the floor toward said hanging underwear, I gave her a piercing glance for good measure, before I grumbled, "Seriously, who the hell let Emmett use it in the first place? You, thy good wench! You failed to mention to that big lug that football boots and shin guards do not belong in the recesses of a dryer lest it break, which it has." Yes, I could hear the proverbial eye-roll from her corner.

"Please do not start the thees and thous with me again. I know that you are the English teacher and I am but a poor pleb who is of lesser intellect than you oh holy Queen of Forks, but honestly, stop it when you're home? Save it for those poor defenseless students at Forks High." She muttered under breath, "Who knows? Someone might actually learn something..."

"I heard that, Bella! You started it with the Hamlet quote. I might have to teach you a thing or two, you know..." I waved the file at her threateningly.

She waved her hands theatrically, and making her eyes wide, she said in a breathless tone, "Oooh, big scary woman. As if you Lilliputian could do anything more than bite my ankles."

Her scoffing snort made me seethe quietly. I stamped my foot in frustration. Dammit. Bella knew I hated nothing more than being demeaned using my size. As my dark haired friend walked away, I screamed after her, "I'll have you know that I am taller than most adult pygmies!" The laughter rang back at me and I scowled, not feeling the slightest bit amused. "Well, it's true," I muttered to myself. I mean, everyone knows that pygmies are only what, four feet high and that makes me at least a foot taller. I looked down at my poor, smeared left toenails and scowled some more, knowing it would take another half hour to do them over. Fuck my OCDness. Fuck that - I shouldn't have stamped my foot. "You better be worth this much fucking trouble, Jasper Hale," I grumbled, taking up the nail polish remover. Shit, I'm going to be late for my date.

As I started the painstaking task of re-doing my marred nail polish, I contemplated the monumental event that was to be my first date in... well let's just say a very long time.

After dating a bunch of relative losers, I had decided on certain criteria: tall, blond, blue eyed, earning potential high if not already there and a touch of danger would be good too.

So far, Jasper Hale was not failing on criteria.

He was the epitome of man, at least the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.

From the very first time I saw him, I knew I wanted him.

He had this amazing charismatic personality. He also had this amazing accent - a little Californian, sprinkled with a touch of mid-west, and more than a touch of Texan. I guess you can grow up in So-Cal, but you will never take out the Southern in boy in you. At least when it got to that deed, I'd never want to take that Southern boy out of me. After tonight the ball would be in his court. I snickered childishly at the slight innuendo. Ball.

Yes, I am five years old in maturity.

Spark, however.... that needed to be tested. I paused in my reapplication of nail polish as I thought about it a little further.

My thoughts were definitely headed southward, thinking about how that particular spark could be tested, especially with careful consideration of his Southern twang; one that arose with certain words.... words that would be useful at the height of certain things. I smirked at the thought of Jasper whispering, "Come for me," with that Texan accent stressing the word 'come'. The thought was definitely making me edgy and I squirmed in my seat, glancing quickly out the corner of my eye to ensure Bella had not come back into the room.

'Breathe, Alice,' I told myself. Closing my eyes, I focused on being centered and calm... centered and calm...centered and calm. My imagination took me to a darkened room a la Top Gun, McGillis and Cruise played by Brandon and Hale.

He leaned in towards me, his hand gently stroking my hair off my face. "Alice?" his voice whispered huskily in my ear.

"Hm mm... Oh Jasper Hale, you've certainly kept me waiting." I leaned in towards him as his lips grazed the shell of my ear.

"Alice?"

Strong arms gathered me into a hard body, lean and muscled, and I could feel him through my thin shirt. "Oh, yes, Jasper!"

"Alice! Alice!"

I opened my eyes with a start. This time I realized that the voice did not belong to the delicious hunk of man meat that was Jasper Hale, but instead belonged to one laughing Bella Swan.

"Alice, really?! Oh, Jasper!" she mocked. Grabbing a pillow, I threw it hard at her. Ignoring her, I checked the clock above the fireplace. Only one hour left to get ready. My heart was already racing.

Bella came and sat on the opposing couch. "Are you sure you want to go out with Jasper?"

I looked quizzically at her. "Of course! What makes you ask that?"

Shrugging, she started to trace the pattern of the armrest. "It's not like you've shown a whole lot of interest in him. I mean, he is the most eligible bachelor and he knows it. I think he's a bit arrogant to be honest. He knows woman would fall at the drop of a hat for him. And you turned him down three times before now. Are you desperate? Dying? Mentally incompetent?"

"Bella, Bella, Bella." I smiled at her indulgently before answering, "Have I not taught you anything? Men like the thrill of the chase. I was giving him something to chase. I'm not a walking doormat for anybody. You know that. If I had said yes that first time, it would have been a wham, bam, thank you ma'am scenario and I don't hold with that. I'm not that kind of girl."

"So Paul was not your quick fuck then?"

"Paul was different."

"Yeah, right." The sarcasm rolled off her in waves.

This time it was me rolling my eyes. "Go away, cow. I need to get ready and you're distracting me."

She laughed and reached over, hugging me quickly before she stood up. "I need to go do some research anyway. I'm off to La Push to see how the algae are going. Good luck with your date. Somehow I think it's Jasper that might need it."

I threw another cushion at her. Naturally -- it missed. I heard the faint traces of her laughter as she walked out of the house and her call of, "Have fun!"

'Oh, I intend to have fun, all right.' Watch out Jasper Hale, here comes the Alice Brandon.

~*~

Quotes:
Brevity is the soul of wit ~ Hamlet, Shakespeare
Brevity is the soul of lingerie ~ Dorothy Parker

So, my first foray into Femslash. Still has an element of Slash. Can't seem to let go of those boys for some reason. Let me know what you think please?