Moolie: Welcome to Part Two!

Aggie: Indeed.

Ginny: Wait a minute, I didn't get a line-

*Title scene starts rolling.*

............

Chapter One: Fanny Packs and Kazoos

"Gandalf!" Frodo yelled as he awoke from his nightmare.

"What's the problem, Mr. Frodo?" Sam inquired as he rushed to Frodo's side.

"Ugh, crap, I forgot you were here," Frodo mumbled under his breath. He then turned to Sam. "No problem, Sam. It was just a dream."

Frodo lay on his side pretending to go to sleep, hoping Sam would go away. When Sam finally did, Frodo realized that he did want someone to talk to. He looked over to see Fado curled by the fire. He got up and crept over to her.

"Fado…" he said quietly as he prodded her shoulder. He continued poking her until she rolled over and punched him in the nose.

Frodo fell backwards, cupping his hands over his face. "Dammit!"

Fado groggily sat up and quickly realized what happened. "Oh my gosh, I'm sorry! Reflexes and all that! Here, let me help…"

Frodo scrambled away, still holding his nose. "No, it's quite alright! You've done enough!"

"At least let me help you, Frodo," Fado said.

"No, really, I'm fine!" Frodo was a wee bit embarrassed from being punched in the nose by a girl.

"You sit down, young hobbit, and let me help you or else. I hurt you and now I want to help you. Would you rather Sam do it?"

Frodo looked down at the fat hobbit snoring away. He finally took his hands away to show that he had a bit of a bloody nose. Fado told him to sit down while she went to steal one of Sam's handkerchiefs. She wet it and began to dab the blood away.

"Will you hold still?" she said quietly. Finally, she got fed up and grabbed his chin to hold him steady as she wiped the blood off.

"You remind me of my mother," he grumbled.

"Well if you don't want me to-" she started to move away.

"No, wait," he trapped her hand against his cheek. "I um…"

She felt her face grow hot. He was closer than she realized. He smelled like pipe smoke and earth. Frodo was feeling stupid, like he had totally forgotten what he had wanted to say. Without thinking he began to lean in.

Unbeknownst to them, Sam had been waking up. "Merglegrimblegrumblebumble….." he mumbled as he rubbed his eyes. He then saw Frodo. Grabbing his handy-dandy first aid kit, he shoved Fado out of the way and poured peroxide on Frodo's open wound.

"Don't worry, Mr. Frodo, I'm here!" Sam was yelling over Frodo's screams. The fat hobbit then proceeded to stuff tissues up Frodo's nose to stop the bleeding.

"Ah, my brain!" Frodo screamed in pain. Fado couldn't help but laugh hysterically from the sidelines.

***

"Are we there yet?" Nora complained.
"No." Aragorn checked the map again.

"Are you sure we're not lost?" Azimah asked worriedly.
"You should've asked for directions!" Gimli grumbled.

"Dude, I'm not lost," Aragorn said unconvincingly. "I'm a Ranger! I do this stuff all the time!"
"Well, where are we, then?" Legolas asked.

"We should be coming up on the Gap of Rohan any minute."

"Good, cuz I need to pee."

"Nora, that's disgusting!"

"Here we are!" Aragorn exclaimed cheerfully. The group had reached the top of the rocky hill and a large building came into view. On the front of the building in big letters read "Gap of Rohan".

The group gazed in awe at the mannequins in the display windows.

"Look at the polo shirts, man!"

"Dude, they're all the same."

"Stop being such a butt, Azimah!" Aragorn said as he started to walk up to the door.

"Shouldn't we keep looking for Merry and Pippin?" Nora asked anxiously. "You know, before they die?"

"Aw, they can hold out for a few minutes," Legolas said, following Aragorn into the air-conditioned store.

"I've got some great coupons!" Gimli added, following the blonde Elf.

Azimah and Nora looked at each other, shrugged, and went inside. Inside were racks upon racks of preppy clothing. All the employees sported fanny packs.

As Azimah studied a mannequin, Legolas ran past her with an armful of clothes.

"Legolas?"

"No time to talk!" Legolas yelled, running into a dressing room. "Gotta try on these slacks!"

Azimah sighed and sat down on a nearby bench next to Nora.

Half an hour passed by. The girls couldn't take much more of the giggles coming from the dressing rooms. Nora finally stood up and placed her hands on her hips. "I'm going to go do something." She then crawled under a rack of clothing and began to play hide-and-go-seek with herself.

Azimah simply watched in amusement. She waited for about 10 minutes. Nora still did not emerge from the clothes rack.

"Nora?" Azimah finally called out. There was a muffled evil laugh from the inside of the clothes rack.

"Mweeheehee…"

Azimah rolled her eyes. "Nora, I can see your feet."

"My plan is foiled," Azimah heard Nora mumble. "Run!" She then lifted the clothes rack and ran to the other side of the men's section.

As Nora continued to play around in the clothes rack, Azimah walked over to the dressing room.
"Are you guys done yet?" she asked as she opened up one of the doors, revealing a shirtless Legolas.

Azimah hiccupped. She was blushing under her veil.

Legolas turned around and eyed Azimah. Smirking, he said, "You like what you see?"

Azimah was struggling to give him a sarcastic reply when, suddenly, sirens at the front door went off, followed by a familiar voice shouting profanities.

A calm voice went on over the intercom. "Security to the front desk. Security to the front desk."

Azimah and Legolas rushed to the front of the store where Nora was struggling to escape the grasp of two very large men, who were also wearing polos and fanny packs.

Aragorn walked up wearing a denim jacket and white, sparkly jeans. He whipped off his sunglasses. "What seems to be the problem?"

"She was trying to shoplift a hat," one of the security guards said.

"Nora, this is such a disappointment!" Gimli said as he walked up wearing beige capris and a light pink polo.

"We're sorry, gentlemen," Aragorn said. "It won't happen again."

"Damn right it won't," the other security guard said. "Cuz you guys are never coming back here again!"

Five minutes later, the guys had gotten their regular clothes back and were back on the road. Every so often, they would glare at Nora angrily.

"That was a great saving sale I missed," Aragorn pouted. "And all thanks to Nora."

Nora shrugged. "I still got my hat." She grinned and pointed to the black beanie on her brown-haired head.

***

"Merry! Wake up!"

Merry's eyes cracked open. "What? It's not time for breakfast, is it? I'm hungry…can I have some scones? That would be nice…"

"Uh-oh! Shh!"

"What are y'all whispering about, you maggots?!" an Orc hissed at them, pulling both the hobbits to their feet.

"Oh, hullo Pip," Merry said, fully awake now. "So you've come on this little expedition, too? Where do we get bed and breakfast?"

"Quit yer squealin', rats, and get movin'!" another Orc yelled, and Merry and Pippin were carried again.

"Not very friendly folk, are they?" Pippin observed to Merry. Somehow their Orcs had stayed next to each other, so the two hobbits could talk. The stupid Orcs couldn't even hear them over their loud stomping strides.

"Apparently not. I wish they'd give us some hearty food. That grey bread is disgusting and I don't even want to know where that meat came from."

"I know. I wish we still had Sam's cooking, no matter how annoying he is. I wonder how he and the rest of them are doing…"

"Yeah…like Nora."

Pippin looked at Merry sharply, but frowned. He'd been worried about her since Amon Hen. In his dreams, he saw her falling, the Orc standing over her.

"Merry, do you think it killed her?" he whispered.

"What? I can't hear you!" Merry said. "This Orc just farted!"

Pippin sighed. He supposed that Nora was still alive, he could feel it in his gut, but he still worried.

"Y'know, I wish we were still with the rest of the Fellowship. I miss them. Surprisingly, I even miss Gimli's farts. Hey Pip, do you think that Orc killed Nora?"

Pippin rolled his eyes. "I miss them too, Merry…"

***

"I'm bored!" Nora complained, hitting Azimah on the back.

"You hit me. I don't like being hit."

They glared at each other for a long time. Aragorn looked at them and was about to say something, but Legolas hushed him. "Just…just don't disturb them. They'll settle it…eventually…"

Nora and Azimah stood like that for about three minutes, after which they promptly fell to the ground, laughing hysterically. Legolas and Aragorn stared at them, extremely bewildered. "….females are scary."

"What's the stopping for?! Can't you keep up with a dwarf?" huffed Gimli, running slowly ahead of the four of them. "Didn't you know dwarves are natural sprinters?" Legolas rolled his eyes and skipped ahead of him swiftly, using almost no energy at all.

So the little group continued on their way.

"Ah!" cried Nora, stumbling into Aragorn who had momentarily stooped to pick up something off the ground. She fell over him and landed in the grass. "Hey! Why'd you stop like that, you mangy piece of..."

"Look! It's one of their brooches!" Aragorn cut her off.

No one seemed to notice that in the background, Gimli had fallen in between two big boulders and was yelling curses as he got to his feet.

"They may yet still be alive!" Legolas said, looking ahead all dramatically like in the movie.

Nora snatched the brooch from Aragorn, cupping it in her hands. She wondered if it was Pippin's, anxious if he was still alive.

"Onward!" Gimli shouted, running ahead of the group again, a smelly trail in his wake. Everyone gasped for air. Legolas shook his head and he sprinted ahead of him again.

"I'm bored again!"

Azimah sighed. "Why don't we play 'I Spy', Nora? Will that make you unbored?"

"YES!" Nora said, thumping Azimah on the shoulder.

She sighed. "Well, since you're so… thrilled, why don't you go first?"

"Nah. You can go first, Azzy!"

Azimah glowered at her. "Fine. I spy with my little eyes…an eagle."

"You're not supposed to tell me what you spy, silly!" Nora said. Azimah sighed once more. She was being abnormally cheerful. "Besides, I don't even see an eagle!"

"I do!"

"Legolas!" Nora yelled.

"Geez, sorry..."

Azimah smiled. "Well, Nora?"

"What?! I don't see anything!"

"Up, you idiot."

"I still don't see it."

"Nora, you're looking down."

"Oh. Ooh! ….still don't see it…"

"Whoops. I forgot. You're a human. Heh."

"You cheater!"

"Shut up! It's your turn!"

"But I never-"

"Nora…"

"Ok! Hmm, I spy with my little eyes…something grey."

"A rock."

"Huh? That was fast, uh… I spy something...big."

"A rock."

"Wow! Hm, I spy -"

"A rock!"

"Damn, you're good. Your turn, Azzy."

"Don't call me that! I spy with my little eyes…uh…"

Just then, Legolas ran past them.

"I spy…uh…spy…"

"You pervert, you…"

"What?"

"I know what you were looking at, don't fool me."

"What??"

"Is something the matter, ladies?"

"Well Legolas if you must-MPH!"

Azimah clamped her hand on Nora's face. ""Nothing at all, we were just having some girl time," she said, then through gritted teeth, "right, Nora?"

Nora shook her head quickly. Legolas took one last puzzled look at them, and then turned to continue running ahead. Azimah stared after him for another second, but Nora slapped her hand off her face. "I don't completely blame you, it is a nice view. But, its still your turn, Azzy."

Azimah scowled and squinted her eyes as she looked ahead. "I spy with my little eyes…um..."

"Are you looking at-"

"Nora! I spy with my little eyes…horsemen! Lots of horsemen!"

"Huh? I don't see any! You're cheating again!"

"No, seriously!" Azimah cried. "See? Legolas, don't you see them too?"

"She's telling the truth," Legolas confirmed.

"No! You're only playing along because you like her!"

Collective gasp. There was an awkward pause.

"Oh look! The Riders of Rohan!" Aragorn said, breaking the silence. He pointed in the direction Azimah had been looking in.

"Told you," she muttered, kicking Nora's ankle.

They all ran and hid behind a conveniently-close boulder. Legolas noticed that Aragorn looked happier than usual.

You see, since Boromir's death, Aragorn had been trying to find someone to argue with. He had tried Azimah and Legolas, but they were quicker than he was with witty comebacks. He then tried Gimli, but the dwarf would only fart and that would be the end of the conversation. He then tried to argue with Nora, who wasn't smart or quick with her comebacks, usually taking up to half an hour to come up with a witty response.

Finally, he had found a possible rival.

He stood from his hiding spot. "Hey, who dressed you this morning? Your mom?!"

The Men quickly turned around and started riding back towards the fellowship.

Nora stared at Aragorn. "What did you just…uh-oh. Now they're coming over here."

Soon, there was a large band of kazoo-playing horsemen surrounding their little group.

The leader dismounted his gallant steed to confront the fellowship.

"Who said that?' he asked, but his voice was drowned in the kazoo-playing. It seemed to have gotten louder.

The man turned around. "Stop that!"
The kazoo playing continued.

"I said enough!"

The kazoo playing died down. A man in the back of the group continued to play his kazoo, not releasing that everyone else had stopped.

"Bradley, Bradley!" the man yelled at the idiot in the back. "I said stop!"

Bradley stopped playing his kazoo and hung his head in shame.

"Now," the man said, turning around. "Who insulted my clothing?"

Legolas promptly pointed to Gimli with a totally straight face.

"I would cut off your head, dwarf, if it stood but a little higher from the ground," the man said.

One of the riders' spears bumped him on the head. "Ow!"

"Oops, sorry."

"Apologize," the man said sternly to Gimli.

Gimli looked down. "I'm sorry…" he mumbled reluctantly.

"Good. Now, what business does a Man, two Elves, a dwarf, and a lady," he stopped to wiggle his eyebrows at Nora, "have in the Ridimark?"

"We're hunting Orcs. Have you seen any pass by? They're rather dirty and ugly, and they smell horrible. Do you think you've seen any?" Aragon asked cheerfully.

"I know what Orcs look like, you moron! Why are you hunting them?" the man demanded, then cut Aragorn off as he began to speak. "Not from you, someone else tell me. I'm not sure I can stand much more of his idiocy."

"But there were two hobbits, two wee hobbits! Did you see 'em?!" Gimli totally zoned out and just realized he had a line. But he spoke at the wrong part.

"Who? What's a hobbit?" the man asked, a quizzical look on his face.

"Slow down there Gimli, let's start over." Aragorn said. "Now, for introductions: I am Aragorn, son of Arathorn, and *cough* I'M GOING TO BE KING ONE DAY! *cough* oh, *cough* excuse me. And this is Legolas of the Woodland Realm, Nora of Forodwaith, Azimah of the Sand Elves, and Gimli, son of Gloìn."

"I'm Eomer," the man said.

"We've been tracking the Orcs for days because they've taken two of our friends captive. They're hobbits, only children to your eyes."

"Ooh, those Orcs. Yes, we did run into a nasty bunch. We ambushed them all in the night, and burned the carcasses," Eomer replied, pointing in the direction of a great column of smoke no one seemed to notice before. "We left no survivors."

Nora's face darkened at this news. Gimli butted in, "But there were two hobbits, two wee hobbits! Didn't you see 'em?!" Everyone turned to him and stared. He smiled awkwardly and shrugged.

"I do believe Gimli's gone mad," Azimah muttered.

Eomer didn't seem to notice that the dwarf was repeating things. "We saw no such hobbits. They may have been caught in the fight…"

Nora's anger boiled over and she lurched at Eomer, attempting to punch him. "Nora!" Aragorn yelled, pulling her back. The riders raised their spears again, one of them bumping Eomer on the head again. "Sorry!"

"This is what I get for not wearing a helmet around you guys…"

"She didn't mean that," Azimah spoke up quickly, defending Nora before one of the riders would be brash and try to kill her. "The hobbits were our friends, and they were very dear to us."

"Hmph, that may be, but she tried to punch me! Do you know how humiliating that makes me look in front of my men?!" Eomir hissed. Azimah shrugged.

"Are you sure no one saw them?" Gimli asked.

"For the last time, NO!" Bradley yelled.

"Geez…"

"I guess we'll go to the burn site just to make sure," Aragorn said.

"Yay, another long walk. Aragorn, my legs are killing me. I don't want to walk anymore!"

"Gimli, stop complaining!"

"Don't make me come over there, you snotty little Elf princeling!"

"Guys, shut up!"

"Well then," Eomer began loudly. "I suppose I could lend you three horses for your journey." Two riders brought forth three horses. "May your fate fare better than their masters'."

"What are their names?" Azimah asked, petting one of the horses gently.

"Hm, let's see here…" Eomer said, looking at the horses thoughtfully. "This one here is Hasselhoff, that's Aaron, and that's Gary."

"I call Gary," Nora said.

"What? A dwarf ride a horse?! That's unheard of! I will never ride one of those panicky beasts! I'd never dream of it!" Gimli yelled.

"We'll see about that…" Aragorn muttered, picking the dwarf up and plopping him on one of the horses' back. He ignored the dwarf's curses.

"Thank you for the horses, Eomer," Aragorn said as he climbed up on his. Azimah and Nora were arguing about who got to sit on the front of their horse.

"I don't like sharing!" Azimah grumbled.

"I wanna sit in the front!" Nora yelled, trying to climb on the horse, but the Elf was quicker. She pushed Nora off and hopped up nimbly on the front of the horse. Legolas smiled and made for her horse, but Nora shoved him away and jumped up onto the horse behind Azimah. "Not so fast blondie, heheh…"

Legolas frowned and reluctantly sat on the horse in front of Gimli. He was already beginning to smell.

"I wish you luck on your search for your friends, but I fear no good will come of it. Goodbye, I will probably see you all again sometime soonish, I think, if I read the script right. Farewell. MEN!"

All the riders put away their spears suddenly and pulled out kazoos. They all rode away into the sunset, playing the Rohan theme on their little plastic instruments.

"Strange folk…" Azimah murmured as the five of them took off in the opposite direction.

"Aragorn, why do you get a horse all to yourself?"

"Cuz I'm gonna be KING!" Aragorn yelled proudly.

"No need for all caps, geez…"

…………

Aggie: Moolie, what is this?!
Moolie: …a puppy…

Aggie: But we already have Donald!

Ginny: Aw, she's so cute…

Aggie: She peed on the couch! That's where I sleep!

Ginny: Aw, we're keeping her, right, Moolie?

Aggie: Damn hippies…

Moolie: We'll call her…Elephant.

Aggie: But she's the size of a teacup!

Ginny: Oh, sweet irony!