Stuck!

Author: MoonStarDutchess

Oneshot Comedy

Disclaimer: I don't own Fullmetal Alchemist and gain no profit from fanfiction other than writing practice.

AN: Idea came after I finished cleaning my house and was talking to OTP on messenger. Riza rarely ever has those situations that make her a bit crazy so I figured I'd put her in one that made her act that way. The citrus reaction is based off my friend Leigh's reaction to citrus.

Important note: The line with the foreign language, there's a joke in it. Thank you to buffy for pointing out that maybe the joke didn't go over well. So I added more so you'd catch it.

Stuck!

The water fell into the bucket with a loud splash as Riza Mustang squeezed the sponge she was using for cleaning the bathtub. She bent back over the edge of the tub and began cleaning around the faucet then the faucet itself. She sat up when she felt a kiss on the back of her neck and arms wrap around her waist. She turned her head to the right and found her lips covered with a pair that belonged to none other than her new husband, Roy Mustang.

When he pulled away for breath, he grinned. "Garage is cleaned out of our new house."

Riza smiled. When they chose to give up their apartments in favor of purchasing a house—a fixer upper— Riza was a bit wary of the idea. A house was a big responsibility and with Roy's procrastinating ways, she doubted they would be able to succeed in fixing it up. Yet, there they were, with a finished house and all they had to do was clean things and move in. It'd only taken a month to get the house in both livable and attractive conditions, Roy using alchemy to repair boards, tiles, and other items.

"Almost time to move in," he said.

She turned around to face him fully, leaned up, and kissed him. "You've surprised me," she said when they pulled away.

"Oh? I figured you heard me come in."

"No, not that. I mean with the way that you worked on this place. You haven't procrastinated once during any of the work."

"Well, there was the time we painted the room. I procrastinated a little while with that."

Riza blushed at the remembrance of the incident. "Yes, but I procrastinated with you on that one. Those kinds of results from procrastinating are good in moderation."

Roy laughed. "I don't think I'm too bad. After all, I didn't procrastinate when we worked to change the government did I? Sure, I didn't make fuehrer, but we are alive and the government is much better under the care of Olivier Armstrong."

"True," she said.

"I just didn't like the paperwork. That was the only thing I ever procrastinated on."

"And you are delaying letting me go back to work."

"Your neck isn't healed yet. You really shouldn't be working as hard on this house as you have been." She started to speak but Roy cut her off, "but I know you would go crazy with nothing to do. Just take it easy alright?"

"I will," she said.

Roy leaned in to kiss her again but the doorbell rang, making him pause in his actions. She stood and threw the sponge she held in the bucket. "I'll get it. Will you sweep up in here for me?"

"Yeah," he said. She kissed the corner of his mouth before leaving the room.

Roy looked around for the broom and spotted it leaning against the toilet. He grabbed it and glanced at the top of the toilet where Riza sat her wedding ring. He smiled and moved the broom, only to have that smile turn to a mouth opened in shock as the ring jarred off the top and fell into the, thankfully, freshly cleaned toilet. He sat the broom down and knelt, smelling the fresh cleaner that Riza used to clean the bowl. It was a familiar scent that he couldn't quite place. He spotted the ring glistening a little ways down the hole in the toilet and rolled up his sleeve. He stuck his hand back into the dark crevasse to retrieve the ring, fishing around for it until he felt it. He was unable to see the jewelry piece due to being over the bowl. He maneuvered two of his fingers to grasp the ring, damning his large hands and the new model toilets. He moved to pull his arm out and felt a shot of pain go through it. He pulled again, his hand not budging from its place.

"Oh . . . shit," he muttered and attempted to jerk his hand loose, prying one hand against the toilet bowl and pushing with all his might. He cursed again as a jolt that felt like fire traveling through the veins in his hand.

As he heard footsteps approaching, he kept trying to pull his hand out, biting his lip tightly as he jerked and tugged with his arm. He finally gave up and bowed his head over the toilet. He groaned as he heard the footsteps enter the room.

"Roy! Are you okay?" Riza yelled as she rushed over and knelt beside her husband. "Are you sick?"

Roy shook his head. "My hand is stuck," he muttered.

Riza ran a hand through his hair gently. "What did you say?" she said, her voice gentle.

He rose up and pointed at his hand. "That!"

"Why in the hell is your arm in the toilet? Did it get stuck?"

Roy growled inwardly at the stupid question. It was rare that his wife asked stupid questions and appeared for a brief moment in realm of the stereotype of dumb blonds.

"No, I just like sitting on the floor with my arm down the toilet bowl. It's relaxing. Of course it's stuck!"

"How did you get your hand stuck in a toilet?"

"I knocked your wedding rings in the toilet and reached in to get them! Then my hand just got stuck. I don't know why since I got it in fine."

"How stupid! You know you are allergic to citrus!"

"Wha . . . citrus? What does that have to do with this incident? "

"That toilet cleaner has citrus in it. You can even tell by the smell. Didn't you recognize it?"

Roy muttered some curses under his breath. So that was the familiar smell. Smooth going Roy. He glared at his wife. "Why did you clean with that!" "You should have cleaned the toilet with something else! You know I am horribly allergic to citrus!"

"Okay, first of all, it was the only thing at the shop. Secondly, I wasn't exactly expecting you to stick your hand in the toilet bowl. It's not exactly something you think about when shopping for cleaning supplies. I didn't say in my mind, 'oh I'd better not clean with that because my husband will stick his hand down the toilet, then it will swell, and get stuck.'"

"Well it should have been!" he yelled.

"Don't yell at me!"

"You'd be yelling too if your hand was stuck in a toilet!"

"Well fortunately, I'm not stupid enough to stick my hand in a latrine!"

"Maybe not but you are stupid enough to sit your rings on top of one!"

They sat there glaring at each other like two children fighting over the favorite toy. Finally Roy sighed and looked away from her gaze. "Sorry, just help me will you?"

"I'm sorry too," she said. "First we need to get the water out of the toilet so that it won't irritate you more. Let me go get a cu--"

"Riza! Are you two coming? Don't tell me you are having sex up here when we are already late for lunch!"

Roy looked at Riza wide-eyed. "Was that. . ."

"Oh god, I already forgot that Rebecca and Havoc are here!"

"That would have been a good thing to know as soon as you saw my current state!"

They heard footsteps and Roy started to panic. "She can't see me like this. I'd never live it down. Oh shit, what are we going to--"

Riza grabbed the back of his head and forced it closer to the toilet, moving so that his arm was shielded from likely Rebecca, after all a wheelchair bound Havoc couldn't make it up the stair so quickly.

"Quick, gag, cough or something!"

"I really will end up puking if I have to breathe this citrus stuff much longer." Roy let loose a fake cough just as Rebecca walked through the door.

"What's wrong?" she asked.

"Sorry Becca, we'll have to cancel on the lunch. Roy is. . .um. . . stuck here."

Roy rolled his eyes at her choice of words and gave another cough.

"What happened?" Rebecca asked.

"Um . . . Allergic reaction to citrus!"

"We should get him to the hospital. Let me help you get him to his feet." She took a step toward them.

"No!" Riza coughed. "I mean, no no, he doesn't need to go to a hospital. I know how to take care of his allergic reactions. You and Havoc go and have a good lunch okay?"

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, go go! Have fun."

"You are acting weird."

Riza gave a fake sigh of frustration. "Rebecca, you'd be acting weird too if your husband was puking in a toilet and you were sitting beside him talking to your best friend when you should be taking care of him. Did I mention that he was puking in the toilet?"

Rebecca raised an eyebrow. "I think Mustang's weirdness has rubbed off on you. Okay then, we'll go to lunch without you. How about dinner tomorrow night?"

"Great!" Riza said a little too enthusiastically for Rebecca's liking. .

"Okay, see you later."

"Bye, buona notte, Adios, velocidade, gracias, bonjour, " Riza said as Rebecca walked out of sight.

Roy raised his head as Riza moved to shut and lock the bathroom door. "Oh, you were so smooth with that."

"Shut up," she said.

"You are usually so calm and cool under situations. It would have been good if you had been in this particular one."

"Well I will be if it happens again," she said. "They don't train us for stuff like this in academy."

Roy let a chuckle escape him. "Must note it to the president of the academy. The Caught in Crapper Class."

Riza laughed and removed a sponge from the bag sitting on the sink. She grabbed the cup beside the faucet and began scooping out the water in the toilet and pouring it down the drain in the tub. After getting all the water that she could with the cup, she used the sponge to soak up the excess and discarded the sponge in the trashcan.

She reached in and touched Roy's hand, earning a hiss from the man. "Sorry," she said. "Maybe we can get something to pour in there that will slick up your hand and slide it out of there."

"There's some grease in the garage," he said. "It's on the top shelf by the door when you first go in from the kitchen entrance."

"Okay," she said. Getting to her feet, she made her way to the door. "Don't go anywhere, I'll be right back." She cringed when she realized her words.

"Okay Riza . . . Where am I going to go!" Roy yelled.

She turned and smiled sheepishly. "Sorry."

---

The grease was exactly where Roy said it was. Sitting beside it on the shelf was a bottle of oil that would also come in handy. She grabbed them both before going back up to the bathroom. She went inside and locked the door just in case someone decided to drop in for a visit and went hunting for them.

"I had dinner while you were gone and then returned my hand to the latrine."

"Ha ha, very funny." Riza walked over to the toilet and got down on her knees. Unscrewing the grease jar, she scooped out a large amount and worked it along the edges of where his hand was caught. When an ample amount of grease was applied, she poured a bit of the oil in the toilet. "That should slick up the places I couldn't get with the grease."

After waiting a few moments, she pulled and felt the hand give way. "I think its coming!" Roy said.

Riza pulled harder but when Roy hissed, she stopped.

"No, keep pulling. I can take it," he said.

Riza greased his hand again and poured a bit more oil in the toilet. With one more large pull and a curse from Roy, the hand jerked loose, causing both to go tumbling backward onto the floor.

They sat up and Roy looked down at his hand. He got the wedding band but not the blue diamond ring she wore with it. "Damn, I just got the wedding band."

"You are worried about a ring when your hand looks like a red baboon's ass with acne?"

"The entire point was to retrieve the rings," he said.

Riza sighed, grabbed the cup, and began scooping the oil from the toilet. She spotted her ring in the crevasse, reached in easily, and retrieved it.

"Here it is," she said. Roy took it from her, stood, and rinsed the rings off in the sink. With his good hand, he grabbed hers and slipped the rings on her finger. She sighed and shook her head. "Let's go get your hand checked out. It doesn't look good at all."

"Okay," he said.

They walked over to the door and Roy turned the knob only to hear a metallic clatter then a thump coming from the other side. He pulled as hard as he could. "Oh shit."

"What is it?"

"I think we're stuck."

AN: Hope you laughed. Thank you so much for reading and reviews would be appreciated if you have the time.