It's not so much a companion to "Sweetheart" as it is a continuation of the same 'verse. Which is pretty much the same, except that I decided certain things that happened in the movie actually didn't, and some things happened after the movie that I totally made up but which I think atone for the beginning, which is basically angst in a box. That said, you don't actually have to read "Sweetheart" to get this, but you might want to. That and "Belief in Angels." If you so desire. I'm just an author; it's not like I can make you do anything.

1

Jim Kirk is nine years old, and he's about to die. He knows. And it's okay. The steering wheel feels good in his hands, and he's going so fast. Jim is so much faster than Riverside, Iowa, and now everybody knows.

He just couldn't stand seeing Frank driving that car. It's his dad's, this gorgeous antique corvette. Jim never knew George, his real dad, but Jim thinks he must have been like that car, all bright and fast. Frank is nothing like that. It drives Jim crazy.

So he takes the car.

He's supposed to be cleaning it. But then Sam told him why. Frank's gonna sell his dad's car. And Jim can't let him do that. His dad saved him once; Jim's heard that all his life. Now, Jim wants to save him, too. And the only way he can think of is to take the car, because that's all he's got left of George. It's the only way he's got to know his dad.

Frank calls, and hanging up on him is almost scarier than actually taking the car. But Jim doesn't really care much about that cause he's flying.

Jim doesn't think about turning. He just goes, and the quarry gapes up ahead of him.

Jim is about to die. And he's never felt closer to his dad. He feels that George was just as fast as he is; he feels how his dad loved old things, antique cars and old music; he feels how much he needed space, just as much as his mom does.

Jim's only wanted two things in his life: to be away from Riverside, with his mom, and to be like his dad. This is the first time he's felt like he can be.

He can see the cop in his rearview mirror. He could pull over, just stop the car right now. They'd take him away, probably. That's one way of leaving. But he can't. Sam said he didn't know how to be a Kirk here. Jim didn't really know what that meant, not till he felt the steering wheel of George Kirk's car in his hands.

Jim still doesn't know exactly what being a Kirk means, but he knows he wants to be like his dad. He wants to be the hell out of here. And right now, with the quarry looming in front of him, he doesn't really mind if he has to die to do it.

But he can't. He isn't like his dad, not really. He can't let it go. This isn't how James Kirk dies. He jumps.

2

The summer before Jim leaves for Tarsus, he spends pretty much every night sitting on the porch with Sam, looking up into space.

When they were kids (well, Jim is only a couple weeks from being twelve, so he's technically still a kid, especially next to Sam, who's totally grown up and seventeen, but whatever), Jim would ask Sam where he thought Mom was, and Sam would point to some random star and make up stories about Mom the Badass Starfleet Superhero until Jim fell asleep.

Now, though, they don't say anything. Jim's pretty sure Sam's remembering, too, but he can't prove it.

Whenever Sam took Jim up to bed those nights, Jim would hold tight around his neck and whisper, "I'm gonna go up there someday, too." Sam always got real quiet after that.

He'd learned real quick what he wasn't supposed to talk about with Sam. Don't talk about space, don't talk about mom and dad, don't talk about leaving. Jim didn't like the way Sam looked at him when he said that.

So Jim doesn't tell Sam, at first. Mom calls on his birthday, and Jim tells her he wants to go up there, as his present. He's been asking for this practically since he could talk, so he's kind of surprised when she actually gets him on the list to go to Tarsus.

Sam gets all pissed, says he should be the one going, but he's going to some summer science program at the University of Iowa, so he can't, and Jim's pretty sure he doesn't actually want to go to space, anyway. It's just that he doesn't want Jim to go. And that makes Jim mad for awhile, cause it's the only thing he's ever asked for, really, and how come Sam wants to take that away? But he also kind of gets it, that Sam's scared. Cause Jim's twelve, but he's smart, and he can see things that most people don't really get.

So he goes to Tarsus, and doesn't even take a year for everything to go to hell.

Sam runs away, goes to San Francisco, tries to get them to do something. But Jim doesn't find out about that till he gets home and Sam is gone but Mom is there. It shouldn't be like that, but Sam finally couldn't take Iowa anymore. And Jim thinks he's probably trying to forgive space. Like, he can't stay home anymore, and running away is becoming more than just Riverside and more like earth. And Sam is hating space because of what it's done to his family, but somehow, even though he's nothing like Jim and Mom, space grabs the Kirks and drags them in whether they like it or not.

Jim's okay when Mom's around. She gets him, better than Sam, even, and she can get him to talk and smile and even laugh sometimes. And Frank is still a drunk asshole like he's always been, but it's mostly okay when Mom's around. Cause Jim thinks she might actually be the Badass Starfleet Superhero to him, even though he knows Sam made those stories up.

But then Mom leaves, because Mom always leaves. Jim might have actually thought she'd stay this time, even though he hasn't thought about Tarsus much since she's been home. But she doesn't.

Three weeks later, Jim turns thirteen. He's having these terrifying nightmares and Frank is even more of an asshole now that Mom's gone and Sam isn't there to mitigate. So Jim takes the shotgun Frank thinks he's hidden and goes to the barn.

The barrel tastes weird, kind of like blood, all metallic.

He can't do it, any more than he could when he was nine. So instead, he walks into town and finds a couple of high school kids he bribes into giving him a six pack. He drinks the whole thing, sitting outside Riverside Shipyard. He passes out, and it's fucking cold in the middle of the night, even in the summer, but he can't remember how to move. So he stares up at the skeleton of some starship until the sun rises.

3

By the time he hits seventeen, Jim's got this black bike Mom bought him when he was sixteen, he's a regular at a bunch of bars far enough away that he can get away with the fake ID but close enough to drive in one night, and he's a veteran of more bar fights than even some of the eighty-year-old alcoholics back home who sit on their porches with shotguns and a flask of whiskey.

He hardly ever makes it home anymore, but Frank doesn't bitch about it because he doesn't want Jim around anyway, and besides, now they're both drunk assholes, so whatever. Instead, he'll just ride around all night, avoiding (or sometimes not) the cops, and getting a ridiculously long rap sheet. Frank usually bails him out, but only because he's gotten away with so much shit over the years since Mom's never home, and this is probably the only part of it she'd ever know enough about to give Frank shit for.

Then one night, he gets really drunk.

He's not even sure why. Normally, he's kind-of-sort-of responsible about it. He'll drink, but not enough that he can't get home, except he'll get a ride from somebody if it's his birthday and he knows he won't stop drinking. Mostly it's cause he really likes that bike, and he doesn't wear a helmet, and he doesn't want to wreck it. Especially since Mom's customized parts of it; they'll work on it when she's on shore leave, which is cool. Yeah, Jim's baby could probably beat fucking God in a race, no lie.

So it's a surprise, really. Jim actually didn't mean to get that drunk, which, let's face it, he's a functioning alcoholic by this point, so he can do that. He can tell when he's totally shit-faced; he's not a child.

And then he wrecks the bike.

It could have been worse—quadriplegic worse. As it is, he totals the bike. That's what he tells Winona when she calls. He doesn't tell her about the concussion or the broken arm or the million bruises or how he was so close to having major brain damage. She buys him a new bike when he turns eighteen. It's probably indicative of the fact that his mom has the worst parenting skills ever, but he knows what she means by it, so it's okay.

Also, if anybody ever thought this whole fiasco was going to stop him from going out drinking pretty much every night, they've got another thing coming. Cause now he knows that he can actually drive okay when he's had a lot more to drink than he used to allow himself.

He doesn't wreck the new bike, but it's a near thing.

4

Jim takes his aptitude test like every other high school senior in the public school system. He's not exactly sure sometimes why he's still in the public school system, but it got to the point where it was either that or juvie. Well, okay, it never exactly got that far, but it came pretty damned close. Jim thinks he could probably handle it okay without becoming somebody's bitch, but he likes freedom, okay?

He graduates. And they send him his test scores.

And apparently he's a genius. Which, duh. He's kind of been told that since he had his first round of psych evals, but for some reason people start seeing this as, like, significant. Which is fucking stupid, Jim knows, cause it's not like he's going to college or anything.

Starfleet tries to recruit him. They send him the letters and the brochures and all that shit, but he's not biting. They tell him he's brilliant, that his scores are off the fucking charts, like Jim doesn't know. He does know, because yeah, he's got a genius-level IQ, and it's not for nothing. But does he care? Hell no.

He doesn't enlist. He stays in Riverside, and he lives the years between eighteen and twenty-two pretty much in a haze.

Jim's life is a patchwork of boredom and near-death experiences. And he's not about to follow his dad and his mom and his brother up there. His life isn't really that bad, down here. Here, Jim's not anything near as special as Starfleet thinks he is, but he's enough that he can get into any bar between Riverside and Des Moines and he's never wanting for sex, either, which is pretty great. So, whatever. He can deal with apathy.

And then everything gets really fucked up.

It's been a great night. He's already on his way to shit-faced drunk by the time he hits his second bar, and there's this chick there, this smoking hot chick from the United States of Africa—Kenya, probably, he would guess if he was sober enough to know where Kenya was. She's a cadet, and she's got these legs that go on forever, and Jim can't resist going up to the bar to talk to her.

Her name's Uhura. That's about all he gets, other than that she's a xenolinguistics focus. And she's fucking smart, which is cool, cause Jim isn't exactly used to exercising his brilliance when he's trying to pick up a chick (or a guy, he's not picky). Uhura, though, seems almost comically shocked when he actually knows what xenolinguistics is. Which is almost insulting, really, but she's hot, so he doesn't care that much. And he's a little smug that he's surprised her, cause she's kind of a know-it-all, which of course she picks up on.

"You think you're so smart," she says, and something in it hits Jim. He's used to insults, he's used to people telling him he acts way too uppity for a dumb kid from Riverside, Iowa. He's heard the exact words Uhura just said so many fucking times, but for some reason it doesn't hit him until she says it.

"Oh, baby," he says, trying to keep the bitterness out of his voice, "I'm the smartest."

And he didn't really have to get into a fight. Yeah, it's Jim and all, but he really didn't need that tonight. It's just that it gets his mind off the fact that this Uhura chick sees too much.

5

Chris Pike probably wouldn't have gotten to him so bad on any other night. Jim's not exactly positive that that's true, but he's got to think so. It's just that Uhura got under his skin, and… right at that moment, yeah, Jim did want something more than Riverside. He's too smart for it, and he can't ignore that anymore. It's that tug, that fucking pull. And Jim didn't know what Sam was talking about when they were kids and he told Jim he didn't know how to be a Kirk in Riverside. He thought he got it after the thing with the car, but he didn't, really.

See, space had a claim on Jim from the day he was born, and now it's collecting. And there's nothing Jim can do about it.

So he enlists. Winona is furious.

6

They meet on the shuttle. Jim's stuck in a small, contained area with a bunch of people who look like they're all straight-laced, from good homes, and smart, which usually makes him want to kill someone. Plus, Uhura's only a couple seats away in the row across from him, and he's not too happy with her right now.

So Jim is understandably happy when someone shows up who seems just as misanthropic and cynical as Jim is.

Within minutes, he's Jim's best friend and his new name is Bones.

7

It's funny, but he actually talks to his mom a lot. She's mad as all hell about him joining Starfleet (he still maintains that that's the only reason the admiralty convinced her to retire, because she's fucking vindictive). But Sam isn't talking to her, and Jim isn't really talking to Sam much, since he got married.

Jim doesn't go home for holidays or summer break. Neither does Uhura, they discover after the first semester even though Uhura enlisted a lot earlier, so she's a junior when he's a freshman. But they're two of, like, a dozen cadets who stay, so it's not like they don't see each other. Which eventually translates to them hanging out. It's a weird sort of friendship, and it takes them awhile to get each other, but Uhura's nice, in the weird way like how Bones is nice. And they don't want to sleep together, which is a plus. Jim doesn't know what to do with that sometimes, and he's probably a totally shit friend, but he likes Uhura, even though she won't let him call her by her first name even after he finds out what it is.

He still drinks, but not as much as he did in Iowa. Normally, he'll go drinking with Bones, or maybe Sulu. Sometimes it's even Gaila, even though they aren't so much together as friends with benefits. It's sort of backwards here. Here, he's got actual friends, friends who are girls even. He's got people he actually likes, not just drinking buddies or people he fucks once in awhile. Which is, you know, kind of nice.

He still calls his mom, even though they don't ever actually talk about shit. One or both of them are usually drunk, and even when they aren't they just make small talk and joke about anything that's actually important. But it's okay, because it's his mom. It's just how they work.

He fails the Kobayashi Maru the first time he takes it, and he calls his mom from outside the bar Bones takes him to afterword.

Then he fails the second time and holy shit, seriously?

He calls again sometime between talking to Bones and convincing Gaila to help him out. Winona laughs at him, tells him to just let it go already, he's beginning to get as obsessive as she is. Then she makes a joke about his suicidal tendencies, and he hangs up.

He still feels a little guilty about not calling her back, but he figures saving the world is a good enough excuse.

8

Uhura tears into him on their way to the docking bay, asking him what the hell he thought was going to happen. And Jim honestly doesn't know, but he doesn't tell her that, partially because she'd just get even more pissed off and partially because he's still in a bit of a daze.

Because Commander Spock.

He's heard Uhura talk about him before. He's some sort of genius, accepted by the Vulcan Science Academy and everything, but for some reason he decided to join Starfleet. Tested out of his first two years at the Academy right off the bat, apparently. Which, wow. So he graduated and all, and now he's a professor, which is how Uhura knows him. She took one of his linguistics courses senior year. Jim thinks she probably had a crush on him at some point, but Jim can't exactly blame her because for one thing, Spock is hot, and for another, Jim recognizes that burning feeling in his stomach, the one that's been growing since Spock stepped up to that podium.

Shit. He should really not be getting a crush on Spock, who's an officer and probably doesn't actually give a shit about him anyway.

The fact that Bones is assigned to the Enterprise, which means that Jim gets on the Enterprise, and that Spock just happens to be the Enterprise's first officer? Well.

9

Spock hates him. Seriously, hardcore, choke-the-shit-out-of-you hates him.

Uhura tries to convince him that he's wrong, but Uhura, he realizes, doesn't actually know shit. Which sucks, cause he likes being able to ask her about things and trust that she's right. She's got these crazy Communications-Officer powers that let her read people like nobody's business. Like she's the telepath, not Spock.

Except, this time, she's wrong, and Jim knows it.

Jim really tried. He knows he's got a major crush on Spock, and he's pretty much accepted it by now. And he tried. After the Narada—well, sort of towards the end of the Narada thing, when they were pretty sure they'd won and weren't about to die, he'd tried getting through to Spock. He tried to tell him it was okay, to help. And somewhere along the line—he's not sure where—this stopped being a selfish, I-wanna-fuck-you kind of crush and became… something else. He'd even touched Spock's hand for Christ's sake, which apparently is a thing for Vulcans (he knows, he asked Uhura, and she paid attention in school, at least more than Jim).

So yeah, he's pretty damn sure that Spock does actually hate him.

But the thing is, they work. Which is probably the most fucked up thing in the universe. But there's suicide missions, and they make them work. And everybody's fine and earth is still there, and… Jim wonders a little why everyone's making this out to be a victory. Vulcan's gone, Spock's mom is dead, six billion Vulcans are dead, and so is most of the Academy's student body.

And still, when they finally touch down (and god only knows how they did that, after all the damage they took from the black hole alone, forget everything else), they all walk right into a fucking wall of press, all snapping pictures and shouting questions over each other.

Jim's a hero. Everybody's telling him this. Which is bullshit.

He only resists actually telling them this because Uhura's right there and she'll kill him if he does. Jim believes it. Uhura's fucking scary. On the plus side, maybe now she'll let him call her Nyota, since they did almost die and all. (Slim chance, he knows.)

And then it's over, and Jim goes home. It's not a nostalgia thing; Jim's done with Iowa, he could give a shit. But his mom's still living there, for whatever reason, so he goes. He goes, but he can't fucking stop thinking about Spock, even when he's hugging Mom at the shuttle station. They sit in her living room and drink, because that's just what they do, and he tells her everything. Well, not everything. He doesn't tell her about Spock. He isn't really sure why, but he doesn't. He's pretty sure she knows he's hiding something, cause she always knows shit like that, which is annoying, but she doesn't call him on it, which he loves her for.

10

So, he thinks later, Uhura might actually be way smarter than he gives her credit for. He doesn't like to think about those two months of leave, when he was freaking out over Spock not being his first officer, and then those terrifying few hours when he had to ask Sulu to do it, because he honestly wasn't sure he'd have an XO at all.

And then Spock is there, and fuck is he gorgeous.

And Jim has never exactly been smart when it comes to Spock, genius-level IQ or no, so he tries again. It's subtle—Jim barely touches him, mostly because he's freaked out of his mind that Spock's just going to leave. But he does it, because he's a dumbass, and both Bones and Uhura have informed him that he's pathetically smitten, so it's not like he can do anything about it.

Spock doesn't leave, which is great, but he does go to his station, refusing to even look at Jim. And that sucks. It's a good thing Jim didn't only want Spock as his first because he's pathetically in love with him. Because otherwise, he'd be hating his life right now more than he already is.

That's it, he tells himself. He's not going to waste any more time wrapped up in Spock. He'll get over it eventually. He's James T. Kirk, womanizer extraordinaire, it's gonna be all right. He thinks it, but it feels so fucking hollow.

And he knows it's really, really sad, but he's got impulse control issues, all right?

He looks over at Spock. All he sees for a minute is black hair and the curve of one pointed ear before he's enveloped in those huge, dark eyes. Jim can't help it. He grins.

There's something in Spock's eyes that Jim can't quite place. But it's beautiful, and at the very least he's pretty sure Spock doesn't hate him anymore. And yeah, he did think for about ten seconds that he could handle the next five years just being Spock's friend. But something in Spock's look is giving him hope, so he goes for it.

"Mr. Spock, a word?"

And then, they're in the turbolift, and Jim's trying really hard to keep his hands to himself, and then they're in his quarters and the words are out of his mouth before he can stop them.

There's a painful silence for a couple seconds, and then they're kissing, and Jim's not really sure who started it, but he doesn't actually give a shit because he's licking into Spock's mouth and it's warm and tastes like spices.

So yeah, Uhura might just be a genius. He tries to explain this to Spock, to make sure he knows exactly what this means to Jim and why he was "accidentally" making out with him, Vulcan-style. But that's damned hard when Spock's trying to figure out if it's worth the loss of contact to get Jim's shirt off, and anyway he's pretty sure Spock might already know.

11

Uhura knows, and Bones guesses, and the whole crew pretty much finds out one way or another. Bones never liked Spock all that much—at least, not after the Delta Vega thing. And he's convinced Spock's going to break Jim's heart, which he isn't, but it's kind of awesome of him to care enough. Uhura is Uhura, and she knows way too much about them and generally makes their lives a living hell, but they might actually have killed each other by now if it wasn't for her, so it works out.

Yeah, the first couple months? They kind of suck. Not entirely, cause the sex is great and Jim is kind of liking this monogamy thing and he's also frighteningly in love with Spock. But also, they're still trying to figure each other out. Plus, they work together, and figuring out their working relationship on top of everything else is kind of frustrating.

So, for the first few months, they fight. A lot.

It never gets as bad as it did during the Narada, but still, it's pretty damned bad. And normally, this is about the time Jim would be saying to hell with it and going off for some mindless, easy sex. But he doesn't. He's not actually sure if he can, at this point. He's so wrapped up in Spock that it scares him sometimes. But Jim really does love him, so it's okay, most days. And the make-up sex is great, so whatever. Jim can deal with it.

The day he calls Spock "baby" without Spock giving him a weird look, without being drunk, and without having sex when he does it is the day he knows it's all evening out. They start to be able to read each other, to say everything with just a look, to take advantage of the smallest contact. It's getting better.

12

Jim calls Winona a couple of days before shore leave. Sam invited him to stay in California with him, Aurelan, and the kids, but he wants to see Mom, just so she knows he's okay. Spock's been fighting with Sarek again (it's not technically fighting so much as logical, stone-faced grudge matches, but whatever), so Jim invites him along. He knows it's a big thing, asking Spock to meet his mom, but he wants to. Spock says yes, and he insists that it isn't just because he's trying to avoid going back to Vulcan II. Which is probably only half true, but Jim appreciates it anyway.

Mom and Spock seem to get along all right, but it's always kind of hard to tell with her. And with Spock, actually, but less so, which should be the other way around, probably.

It's winter, which makes him really glad he brought Spock along, because it's damned entertaining. It isn't the first time Spock's seen snow, but it is the first time he's been dragged outside in it for an extended period of time. His nose and cheeks and fingertips go all green, and Jim has to kiss all of them.

They go back inside, where Mom's making tea and coffee. It's weird seeing her like that, in the kitchen and all. It's weird seeing her in the house, actually, and she's never been that domestic. Then she dunks some Baileys in her coffee, and okay that's his mom all over.

Winona finishes first, goes off to do… whatever it is she does now that she's retired, and Jim apologizes for forcing Spock outside, even though it's only half-serious and anyway, if Spock didn't want to go there was no way in hell Jim could make him. But he says it, and Spock pretends to be pissed for awhile, so Jim says, "Oh come on, sweetheart, it wasn't that bad." Spock gives him the amused eyebrow, so he knows all is forgiven.

Later, Jim will feel a little guilty about not exactly sitting his mom down and explaining the thing with Spock to her, but he's pretty sure she guesses. Besides, it's Spock, and he doesn't like talking about that stuff much. It's one of those Vulcan privacy things. And Jim doesn't mind, because he kind of likes that this is their thing, and they don't need anybody else. Also, Jim might secretly be really possessive, but he's not going to admit anything.

13

So, it's not so much that he goes down on one knee and gives him a ring. It's more like they're stuck in some cave on some planet and the Enterprise can't beam them up—and how many times has that happened, really?—and Jim's got a stab wound that hurts like a bitch, and he's probably bleeding out, and he might have a mild concussion, all of which add up to his inability to form a complete thought, much less have any idea what's coming out of his mouth.

"Hey, baby? Come on, sweetheart, look't me, willya?" Because Spock's glaring at his communicator, and Jim doesn't want to distract him from the pressure of his hands on Jim's side, but he needs to say this, cause he's slurring his words and he's not sure if he'll ever get the chance to actually do it, and he wants Spock to at least know he wanted to. "Hey, sweetheart, t'hy'la, marry me, will you? Or… bond, what'ver is Vulcans do."

"Jim, I hardly think now—"

"Spock," and he's desperate now. It's getting harder to breathe, and Jim's coughing, which isn't a good sign. And he needs Spock to hear this. "Spock, baby, I love you. 'N if we don't get outta here…"

"Jim." And now Jim shuts up, because the look on Spock's face might be the scariest thing he's ever seen. "You will not die here; I will not allow you to. So please…" He trails off, which scares Jim even more, cause he's pretty sure Spock's never not finished a sentence before. He's so fucking precise, only says exactly what he means, and…

And it doesn't really matter in the end, because they get beamed up about two minutes after that, and Spock doesn't leave him alone the whole time he's in Sickbay. He even curls up next to Jim in the biobed the first night, and he doesn't even move when Bones comes in to look him over. Which is fucking huge for Spock, and it's pretty much a yes, Jim thinks.

He calls Mom, because, well, it's his mom, and she should know. And he may or may not have to have a couple drinks before he's ready for it. But still. At least he calls.

She doesn't freak. Which, you know, is a good thing. She's nice to Bones, but she likes Bones. And then Spock comes in, and Jim grins at him, and he can feel warmth in the back of his mind that he knows isn't coming from him. So yeah, bonding is actually pretty awesome.

Later, he'll blame it on the booze (he didn't actually drink that much, but Spock doesn't know that), because he'll probably have to, but Spock looks so fucking hot, and Jim can feel him in his head, and he's finding it completely impossible to keep from kissing him right now. He knows his mom is there and all, and that Spock is probably going to be seriously pissed off about the PDA, but Jim does it anyway. Without tongue even, for which he thinks he deserves some points. Spock looks freaked, but Mom smiles at him.

"Good luck, you two," she says, and Jim knows it's hard for her, after Dad. But she says it, and Jim reminds himself that he needs to send her a bottle of Bones' Romulan ale (Bones doesn't know Jim knows where his stash is, and it's for a good cause, anyway).

14

They try to promote Spock. Jim's even heard rumors that Command is going to promote him, too, which is ridiculous because he's thirty. He's nowhere near ready for a desk job. But with Spock, he understands, at least intellectually. Spock's got a reputation as the 'Fleet's best First Officer; he'd be a damn good captain.

It's just that Jim doesn't think he can go back there, not without Spock.

The first time, it was a weird mix of fatalism and Uhura's freaky ability to get in Jim's head. Space fucking dragged him up the first time, kicking and screaming. And Jim fell in love, he's not ashamed to admit, and not only with the black.

And if he isn't up there with Spock, Jim's pretty sure he's going to go back to resenting space. Which would be bad, cause it isn't like he can avoid it now. He's got this stupid love-hate relationship with space, so even though he's pretty sure he can't go back without Spock, he's also pretty sure his life's gonna suck if he doesn't go back.

The whole thing, though, is saved by the fact that Spock doesn't actually want to be a captain. He tells Jim they might as well send them out for another five years, maybe ten, and then they'll see what happens.

Starfleet's always kind of had a problem saying no to them.

Bones grumbles about it, like he doesn't want to be going, but he totally does. Jim is onto him. Besides, the grumbling might just be because his head nurse is marrying Uhura and finally becoming a doctor. Because Bones is melodramatic, and kind of like his mother, if his mother was anything like a Southern housewife in the 1950s. (He does not tell this to Bones, because if there's one way he is like Winona, it's that he's fucking scary and will probably punch Jim out.)

Chapel and Uhura ask Jim to marry them—god knows why, since the two of them are always bitching about him behind his back, like he doesn't know. But he does it, because Uhura was like, his first real friend (he'd say she's his best friend, but 1. Bones would get pissed, even though he'd never admit it and 2. he knew Uhura first so she technically deserves the title more, but she still scares the shit out of him, sort of) and he hopes Chris'll mellow her out. He kind of doubts it, especially after what he's heard about Chapel from Bones, but he can hope.

They ship out a week after the wedding, for another five years, and Jim thinks he's probably ready to just forget about all the stupid shit and enjoy being out in the black. Space has pretty much earned his forgiveness by now. Even though, yeah, most of their away missions still have some kind of disaster, even when they end well, which they usually do. And yeah, Command still pisses Jim off sometimes (a lot). And Jim's medical records are really fucking long. But he's got Spock and Bones and Uhura and Chapel (who completely failed at tempering Uhura, but Jim's okay with that because Chris is making Bones's life hell now that she's a doctor). So mostly? Jim kind of likes his life.

15

It's sometime after they go home for his mom's funeral that Jim thinks he's pretty much had it. They've been on active duty much longer than they should have been, and he's been an admiral for the past ten years. Spock's teaching, which Jim finds really entertaining because he remembers Spock when he was a professor, and he doesn't envy those kids. At all. (Uhura backs him up, and Spock's past even attempting to argue with them.)

But he's fifty-five, and he's damned tired.

Bones acts all shocked, and Uhura and Chapel act like they already knew (which is infuriating), and Spock just squeezes his hand and understands. They live in this, like, condo sort of thing by the beach, and they all get together every once in awhile and bitch at each other good-naturedly. Chris and Uhura (because Jim still doesn't get to call her Nyota unless it's a really special occasion) come over a lot, and sometimes they bring the grandkids, who are adorable. And Jim will ask Spock why they never had any kids, to which Uhura will cut in that they kind of did—four hundred fucking kids and the Enterprise, isn't that enough for you, Jim?

And it's all okay, mostly.

Jim still has nightmares sometimes, but they've been sharing a bed long enough that Spock can tell, and he's never gotten out of the light-sleeping habit he always had on the Enterprise (cause damn, he really was the best XO in the 'Fleet), so he's always there. And they still have those stupid not-fights that Uhura and Bones still have to make them fix. And there are times when they both really, really miss space.

But there's also the fact that Spock's stuck around, because for some reason he still thinks it's worth it to put up with Jim's bullshit. And there's also the fact that the whole crew's still talking to them (even though sometimes, like with Chekov, it's just to bitch about how crazy they were and how he's actually on a ship with sane people now, except that he can't even function in sane anymore). And that Joanna still calls him "Uncle Jim" when she's thirty and old enough to know better. And that Uhura and Chris's grandkids really are fucking cute.

And Jim doesn't drink anymore, even on his birthday. He does, however, still have that bike. Because when he was nine, he almost died, and he wanted to be like his dad. And he likes old things, and he still needs space, sort of, and he's still too fast and too smart. But it's hit a balance, and that balance is Spock, who's also a genius and probably smarter than Jim will ever be. And he's surprisingly okay with that. Which to him, is pretty much the definition of love.