Before

They loved Kazuki, both them, loved him, revered him and yearned for him but each other…each other they wanted.

It was there, in every line and movement and strike at each other, because they fought, they always fought even when they weren't fighting. It was just that they wanted to tear each other's clothes off just as often as they wanted to rip their throats out. It was hard and fierce and driven and it was something that neither of them knew how to control.

The first time something happened was after they sparred. Juubei won, as he mostly did and Toshiki's back was against a wall; he didn't even remember where. They were too close together, so close that he had to look up into Juubei's face even though Juubei was only slightly taller than him, so close that he could feel Juubei's hard-on. His breath was heavy on Toshiki's cheek and the brown eyes were wide open and fierce and just a little wild, just a little out of control.

Juubei was about to move back, about to let go because everything about Juubei was coolness, calm and collected and he would retreat back into it. But everyone had a breaking point and Toshiki knew which buttons to push. And so, before Juubei could move back and become a wall of steel again, Toshiki spoke.

"And I thought this was only for Kazuki, Kakei," he said, and let his hand come between them, palm trailing across the front of Juubei's pants.

When Juubei snapped it wasn't quite like anyone else snapping, at least not to Toshiki.

The hand was in his hair, rough and grasping, before he could react and it pulled him back, wrenching his head back. Toshiki's own hands were grasping Juubei's clothes but he wasn't quite sure if he was pushing or pulling.

"Yeah well," Juubei's voice was rough and the hand was tight and painful, holding him in place, "Maybe I'll fuck you and pretend you're him."

Toshiki bared his teeth, "Like you could."

And then Juubei fucked him there against the wall and Toshiki cursed like he wanted him to stop. He didn't, of course, and Juubei didn't. It was all rough, hands scratching at backs and biting into shoulders and all want and need and more, more, more. There was no more thinking here, just plain desire and it was raw and more honest than they had ever been with each other.

When it was over, both of them leaning on the wall, gasping and then Juubei pulled away again, there was a look of disgust on his face, disgust at himself, at what had just happened. He pulled away and for a moment it looked like he would say something, then he shuddered and became what he was again, control and calm and walls of steel.

-*-

The want hadn't decreased with a fuck against the wall somewhere in Infinity Fortress. It was still there always, always, always, like Kazuki's strings pulled taut and tight between them. It was there in the way that Toshiki pushed and Juubei gave, careful not slip again, careful not to snap.

Toshiki hated him. Hated him with an intensity that was above and beyond hating a rival. Hated him because Juubei was the one who was protecting Kazuki, because it was his job and there was no room for Toshiki there. Hated him because he was better, more skilled and more…whatever it was that he himself lacked. Hated him for daring to admonish him, hated him because Kazuki agreed with him. And hated him because he was pretending nothing ever happened. But it had happened and it was still there and Toshiki still wanted him.

At least he was honest enough to admit it to himself.

But Juubei. Juubei was control and discipline and he held everything together and within himself. He was Kazuki's loyal servant, his protector and he would give everything for him, everything. Filled with ideas about honor and duty and sometimes Toshiki thought that Juubei would welcome the chance to die for Kazuki, to prove once and for all how far he was willing to go in his service.

Juubei loved him, loved Kazuki in a way that was beyond even Toshiki's understanding. Toshiki loved Kazuki because he was everything that he didn't look like. Because he was powerful and strong willed and even cruel when the situation called for it. Toshiki loved him because he was strong, because he was someone he could follow, someone who was worthy of his admiration. He loved him because he was helpless without him. (Because he remembered blood on his clothes and stillnot being good enough.)

Juubei, Juubei loved Kazuki in a way that was more. Part of it was the bond, the five hundred years of tradition that laid behind their relationship but it wasn't just that because Sakura had that bond and she didn't love Kazuki the way Juubei did. Juubei's love was so much part of him, so there that he didn't let himself feel anything outside of it. That this thing, this want that connected him to Toshiki was something that he couldn't recognize and therefore something he ignored, locked it behind walls of steel and iron discipline and self control.

But Toshiki wasn't going to let that go, wasn't going let Juubei go like that, precisely because he hated him. And because he hated him he was always going to push, push until the façade cracked and broke.

Toshiki knew how to push, how to taunt and make people's world go red with rage but Juubei was one of those people with supreme self-control and he had already snapped once, he was going to try to make sure that it didn't happen again.

There were two factors working in Toshiki's favor though, one that there was no way Juubei could constantly avoid him, not without arousing suspicion and Kazuki had his eyes and ears and strings everywhere. And the second was that it, whatever it was, was still there between them, taunt and teasing and raw and powerful and god, they wanted each other, wanted and hated with a fierce, desperate passion that didn't compare to anything that had ever happened to either of them.

And then one day, one day Toshiki managed. He pushed and Juubei snapped.

They were inside, in one of the many faceless, broken, empty buildings with half furnished apartments that the owners had been killed or left or other wise forced to leave and the apartments were now open to looting and for whoever wanted.

They had been fighting. Sparring actually since it was never really fighting with each other. It wouldn't have been right for the second and third in command of Fuuga to go at each other with all they had. So it was sparring, but just behind every blow there was the real thing, the real violence and sometimes, just sometimes it broke through in the heat of battle, a hissed word or a punch in the gut that they really meant.

And then it had started to rain and they had kept sparring and then the lighting started to some down, and Juubei jerked his head at one of the buildings and they had stopped the fight and gone to take shelter.

They stood in one of the apartments, a broken down place where the only thing left was a sagging bed and that only because it was too big to move out of the room.

Juubei was wound up and taut, from the fighting, from the weather, from being away from Kazuki for too long. Toshiki on the other had felt relaxed, languid though he knew he would have bruises in the morning. And again it was between them, strings pulled tense between them. And they were wet. Not that it mattered to Toshiki, whose clothes clung to his body anyway but Juubei was plastered, shirt clinging to his torso and it wasn't anything Toshiki had never seen before but with the fighting and the rain and the want he felt himself growing hard anyway.

"What?" Juubei snapped at him and his voice was rough, like cat tongues against Toshiki's skin.

"Just remembering," Because he had decided that he would break open the walls today. Right here, right now, "That day against the wall."

And Juubei grew still, the cool, even gaze tight. To him it was an unspoken agreement that neither of them would ever bring it up again.

"What?" Toshiki taunted, "You're just not going to say anything to that? Just going to ignore it, like you have been all this time? Pretend that it never happened? But it did happen, Juubei, I was there and I remember."

"I don't fucking have to listen to you," every muscle in Juubei's body was tense, shoulders and arms and it was like he was going to lash out at any moment, like he was going to break something, anything, rather than give in.

Toshiki, by contrast, was all relaxed, sitting on the edge of the lumpy mattress, head tilted back and scowling up at Juubei. It might have been the moment for a grin or smirk but Toshiki wasn't really the smiling type.

His clothes though, slowly drying against his skin were showing off every muscle of his stomach and chest, every perfectly sculpted plane and angle, "You're such a child Juubei, you think that just because you don't talk about something it will stop existing. But I bet you don't forget either. I bet you still remember exactly what you did."

"I'm leaving," he snapped back, turning around and walking towards the door, his fingers clenching to fists at his sides, like he had stop himself from reaching out and…and what, hitting him? Touching him?

"You're just scared," Toshiki called after him, "Scared to admit that you liked it."

It was a stupid insult, stupid and childish and it shouldn't have worked. If he had been anyone else it wouldn't have worked, it probably would have made Juubei laugh in mockery.

He managed to catch fist heading towards his head with his right hand but the one in his stomach caught him by surprise. It hurt but not overly much and then his left hand was catching Juubei's damp shirt.

"I hate you," Juubei said.

"Same here," now Toshiki smirked, violent and intense, "Take your shirt off."

Afterwards they were both quiet. The rain had stopped long ago and there were rays of sun coming through the window, making the dust in this old place dance. It was strangely pretty; quiet, soothing and hypnotic. Juubei had put his pants back on and everything smelled like sex.

"I can't do this," Juubei said finally, sitting at the edge of the bed and looking out of the window at the broken, hollow buildings that made up Infinity Fortress. He laughed and that was hollow too, "But it looks like I can't not do this either."

Toshiki didn't say anything. For once, for now the urge to lash out at Juubei and see him react was gone. He wanted to reach out and touch him, to trace his fingers over Juubei's back and feel the smooth skin but it seemed too…intimate.

"What it this supposed to be anyway?" The look in Juubei's eyes wasn't hostile this time but still wary, still unsure, "We hate each other so much we desperately want to have sex?"

Now Toshiki laughed, only just laced with bitterness, "Something like that I guess."

Juubei shook his head and the sunlight caught the brown strands, made them light up and gleam. He looked like he was about to say something else, the eyes that were looking strangely vulnerable but then he got up from the bed and picked up his shirt, "I have to get back to Kazuki."

-*-

They never kissed.

It was too much, see, too intimate. It carried the implication of more, of feelings that they didn't have and thoughts they didn't want to think. This, it, was just what they allowed it to be, quick, rough fucks in abandoned parts of Infinity Fortress. Just the two of them and whatever want and need they had between them. It worked.

It wasn't perfect and sometimes, just sometimes, it lingered along the edges of more, fingers tracing over skin with more tenderness than passion and once, just once, the ghost of lips against his cheek.

It changed them; that was sure. Changed them both. Afterwards, when just for a little while they laid there together, things were different between them. There were no tight strings; no need to lash out each other, no need to push. When Juubei wasn't shut in and Toshiki wasn't bitter and it was just the two of them and the verge of more.

And sometimes the change carried over into the rest of their lives. Then the friction would stop and for a moment they would be right together, going with each other instead of against. Mostly, though, it was still conflict before compromise and the two of them at each other's throats.

So everything stayed the same, too, and it was just Toshiki standing at the edge of the world, balanced right at the point of falling and sometimes, just sometimes, when his voice was closing around Juubei's name in a gasp or everything was flowing and right between them, he knew he wanted to take the step and fall, to see if he could fly.

He never did, always pulling back from the brink. Because whatever might-have-been if he had leapt, fallen and tried to fly there was always, always Kazuki between them. Kazuki was real and the way they loved him was real and not half-recognized thoughts in the back of their minds that weren't ever officially acknowledged because as long as you didn't say it and didn't really think it, it didn't actually exist in any way that was true.

And Kazuki stood between them in another way, something they both wanted, neither of them had and neither of them was going to give. Kazuki had been there longer than it and even if they occasionally gave in to it, to this something that they had carefully arranged and controlled between them, Kazuki still came first for both of them. Kazuki was the reason Toshiki never jumped; the reason Juubei's walls of steel remained upright and standing. He was the central focus of both their lives and the reason they still didn't like each other.

So they existed in a fuzzy twilight, barely recognized as a vague it, an itch that needed to be scratched occasionally and that neither of them ever spoke about. A something that they were both afraid to touch since if they did it might come alive and consume everything around them that was kept so carefully in place.

-*-

When it changed it wasn't either of them that pushed it.

"I am disbanding Fuuga," Kazuki said, looking at Toshiki with his soft brown eyes, wide and honest and oh so gentle. His eyes always seemed in contrast with the way he held him self, tall, upright and proud, unbending to all who wanted to harm him. It was one of the reasons Toshiki loved him.

"I am going to join the Raitei."

Juubei was standing beside Kazuki, already informed of the facts, his decision already made. Of course Juubei knew first and of course he made his decision. That, Toshiki didn't blame him for, didn't hate him for. It had never been a real possibility, anything more than a tiny, fleeting, passing thought, after all. He would have chosen Kazuki in an instant.

What he did hate him for was knowing, knowing first. Just once, he wished it was him that Kazuki would turn to him, give him some tiny little part of his life, appreciation, anything. Just once he wished that he would be recognized for doing what he did, for tying his life to Kazuki's with the intent of making him great, of making Fuuga great. That this would mean something, something more than a friendly pat on the head, something that couldn't be tossed away on a moments noticed because he would be damned if he was going go with them to the Raitei. There was no way in hell (and Toshiki knew hell) that he was going to brush everything aside to put himself under someone else again. No way in hell.

Juubei's eyes were wide and sympathetic behind his shades because by now he understood, just a little bit, even if they had never actually talked about anything. Toshiki hated him.

Well fuck him and fuck his sympathy and fuck Kazuki because he was not going to stand here and be nothing again.

-*-

Toshiki left. Left Kazuki, left Juubei. Everything that had been, his love for Kazuki and—and it, whatever it was, with Juubei, everything it was gone. It was broken, they had broken it. And again, again and again and again, he was second best, the one whose feelings were left out of the equation.

He had thought that this time would be different. He had thought that the fact that he had loved Kazuki, loved him heart, mind and soul, loved him with a passion and a thoughtlessness that had almost scared him, he had thought that counted for something. That it meant for once he was worth something, for once he was doing something right.

But it hadn't and once again he was brushed aside. He had linked himself to Fuuga, to Kazuki, with the idea that he would make them great. He would help bring about their greatness and once that was done he would have been able to say 'I did this, what I did mattered.'

He loved him and Kazuki broke it.

And Juubei, Juubei who had always been his opposite, his rival, the very negation of his existence, Juubei had been the first to know. And of course Juubei had supported whatever Kazuki did, because Juubei had the kind of mindless loyalty that went above and beyond Fuuga and was to Kazuki and Kazuki alone and—

Toshiki hated him.

He had left but even it wasn't over. He wasn't free. It didn't matter how far he walked, how many opponents he defeated. In his mind it was always Juubei is still better than you and Kazuki doesn't recognize you and He doesn't love you, he doesn't even care.

And slowly, everything in his life turned to defeating them, lifting himself higher. And he knew it was Kazuki he had to defeat, because if he defeated Kazuki Juubei would break. And maybe then he would be free.

There came Divine Design. His chance to defeat them, to break them like they had broken him and when it was done he would be able move to another world with Lucifer knowing that this time, this time he had made it.

Getting Kazuki was so easy. It shouldn't have been this easy and there was a deep satisfaction in knowing this, knowing he had beaten him. He was Orpheus now and he was Toshiki's. Not Juubei's, not the Raitei's, Toshiki's.

That was it, Kazuki was his. He had forced him to submit to him, forced him to bow to his power. Now he was the stronger one. He didn't need Kazuki anymore, he didn't need anyone. He could force them to see him, force them to recognize his worth and there was pleasure in it, deep seated pleasure. He would finally be free, with Juubei broken and Kazuki under his control.

And yet…there was still something behind Orpheus blank eyes, the quite chuckles even though he was supposed to be completely his and Toshiki wanted to break things.

-*-

And then-

"Juubei," Kazuki said, breathing out and untangling himself from Divine Design, becoming Kazuki once again.

And right then, right there with that breath and that name on his lips Toshiki knew that they were sleeping together. Knew it and decided he would kill Juubei.

When they fought this time it was real in a way that nothing else had ever been. It was explosions of power and every strike aimed to kill. This battle was the accumulation of everything, of all the hate he had ever felt for Juubei, all the want, of the need to prove himself, the need to be recognized, of his jealousy and his love for Kazuki and the feeling that nothing he did was ever enough.

He lost.

Juubei was better and he would have died if Kazuki hadn't jumped in between them. And even now, even when he couldn't bring himself to harm Kazuki after all he had done, even then Kazuki was facing Juubei.

Always the same.

"Why did you turn your back to me?"

"I know you Toshiki," Kazuki, in Juubei's arms, "Even when you were the Hell Knight you never attacked from behind."

It broke something in him, something less precise and real than his heart. A door he thought he had locked long ago but that he had never been able to forget, the wound that laid at the base of his whole being. Everything hurt.

"Why did you give up on ruling Infinity Fortress?" It was quiet and bitter and damaged.

Kazuki smiled, eyes going soft, "I knew it wasn't destiny. If I had a destiny it was at his side, at the Raitei's side."

"Your place," it was almost enough to make Toshiki laugh, if everything didn't hurt so much. A body at his feet that he hadn't even meant to kill and blood on his clothes. There was no place for him after that.

"That's not true," Kazuki said, "I need you."

"You don't need me. You have Juubei."

"That's right. Kazuki has me, he doesn't need you," Juubei was facing him, still and straight, "But I need you. Together we can protect Kazuki."

Juubei held out his hand and Toshiki was at the edge of a cliff again, poised right at the brink and this time, this time he was going to jump and see if he could fly.

He reached out for the hand, to accept whatever had just been offered to him. It was him breathing and the thump, thump, thump of his heart beating in his chest until everything exploded into a world of pain. And then it was over.

-*-

Waking up after being dead was one of the less bizarre experiences in Toshiki's life, save for the fact that, had he been asked, he never would have expected to wake up again.

Not that he realized what was happening at first. All he knew was that there was a pain in his chest that hurt every time he tried to breath and everything was vague and fuzzy and dim and that he kept fading in and out. But there was definitely someone talking, even if he couldn't quite make out the words. He tried to speak but all he managed was a groan and soon after that he went under again.

The next time he woke Toshiki was more coherent, enough that he was actually able to wake. He was in a hospital bed, lying on his back amid clean, white sheets and Kazuki was standing beside his bed. And this time Toshiki was also coherent enough to know that he shouldn't be waking up. Because he clearly remembered a wrenching pain and how everything had stopped moving.

"Wh-what happened?" he asked, and his voice was rough and dry but he still couldn't believe that he was actually speaking. There had been so much pain.

"Midou brought you back," Kazuki was looking at him and his eyes were wide and soft and just a little terrified, just a little hopeful, like he couldn't believe this was actually happening. Toshiki didn't blame him, if he hadn't been waking up right now he would have seriously doubted it as well. And maybe he wasn't awake. Maybe this was a hallucination. Or the afterlife, a hell of some sort. The only thing that reassured him was the pain in his chest that hurt every time he breathed.

"Where am-" but he didn't get any further than that before Kazuki leaned over the bed and kissed him. It was slow and sweet, lips pressed against each other and Kazuki's hand resting on the bedclothes and Toshiki really couldn't do anything except close his eyes and kiss him back.

He didn't know how long it lasted, the two of them over a hospital bed but finally Kazuki broke the kiss and pulled back, smiling softly. At moments like this he looked nothing like someone who would kill you with string if it came down to it and Toshiki knew again that he loved him, now and probably forever.

"What about Juubei?" he asked finally.

"We agreed," Kazuki said, "I get you both and you get each other. No deciding."

-*-

When Toshiki got out of the hospital Juubei took him back to Infinity Fortress and introduced him to MakubeX, the new Lord. He was impressive, a small boy with silver hair and bright eyes, serious and determined despite his age. Impressive and welcoming and Toshiki could breath a little easier again.

Then Juubei took him back to his apartment. They still weren't quite right with each other, trying to find a rhythm that wasn't ripping their throats out or their clothes off. But though they didn't hate each other the way they had Toshiki knew it would never be the way it was with Kazuki between them, soft and real and tender. It was different, rougher and forceful and still competitive.

But then they were there and Juubei was touching him, in a way that he had never touched him before, all unhurried movements, neat deft fingers pulling at clothes and trailing over skin, exploring what he had never properly explored and what had been gone for a long time.

Toshiki didn't do anything but watch him, eyes wide and uncertain, but Juubei touched him like it meant something, like every contact was something he would remember.

They were standing close together, both shirts gone and Juubei's hands on his arms, fingers curved around and palms soft, running them up and over, over the broad shoulders and his chest, onto his sides, thumb pads trailing down the center of his stomach, rubbing over defined muscle, seeing him again Toshiki had to swallow because it had never been like this before.

But this wasn't like before, this was new and different and Juubei's hands were coming and cupping his face, thumbs trailing over his cheeks, his nose, his lips. He could feel the heat radiating from Juubei's body and he reach one had out to rest it against Juubei's taut abs, feeling the soft rise and fall as he breathed.

Then Juubei kissed him.

It was slow at first, slow and gentle, because they had never done anything like this before, not together. So it was slow, but they were both half-naked with Toshiki's skin still tingling from being touched and there was a memory of want between them and the want grew and expanded until it wasn't slow anymore but hot and needy and Juubei was pushing Toshiki towards the bed, Toshiki pulling at the remaining clothes.

And on the bed it was still hot, skin rubbing against each other, slick and sticking and a knee between Toshiki's legs and someone was moaning and someone was begging.

Afterwards they were still again, lying next to each other in a way they never had back then, and Toshiki was trailing his hands over Juubei's skin for no other reason but to touch him. They didn't hold each other, but they were there, together.

"Did Kazuki ever know what we were doing?" Toshiki asked finally, fingers tracing over Juubei's shoulder and along his collar bone.

"Hmmm," Juubei made a sound somewhere in his throat, "no. But he wasn't surprised when I told him."

"That was…" Toshiki shook his head, because he still didn't know what that had been, "I hated you so much."

"Yeah," Juubei smiled, a little unnerving because he was still wearing the bandages over his eyes. His own memories of Kazuki, "But you desperately wanted to have sex with me."

"Oh like you didn't," Toshiki punched him in the shoulder.

"Oh I did," Juubei said, catching Toshiki's hand and tangling their fingers together. He was serious again now, "I still do."

-*-

Then he was leaning forward and kissing him and this time the kiss stayed slow and languid and that was good too.

The first time it was the three of them together it was strange. Strange, because Toshiki had been with both of them now but this…this was different.

Never would he have thought that there would be a time in his life when he could watch Kazuki kissing Juubei and not felt the need to break things and kill people. But he could and he did, Kazuki on Juubei's lap, Juubei's hands cupping his ass and both of them kissing each other like nothing else in the world existed.

But then, then Kazuki opened his eyes slightly and looked at him under half-closed lids in what was clearly a 'come-hither' look and when Toshiki had walked over to them, unsteady and shaking, and was standing behind him Kazuki broke the kiss and tilted his head up and back. One hand rested on Juubei's shoulder, with the other he reached up for Toshiki, pulling him down. Long, slender fingers, rough from handling strings constantly, tangled into Toshiki's blond hair and then they were kissing, strangely because of their skewed positions, but it was real and wanting and from that moment on it worked.

-*-

So he loved them, loved them both, together and separately, emotions that beat in his heart and crawled under his skin and he knew that no matter how long or how much he tried he would never be able to leave either of them behind.

He loved them, though loving one was nothing like loving the other.

Loving Kazuki was slow, steady and certain. It was being anchored. It was effortless. Loving Juubei on the other hand…loving Juubei was like falling and flying and it was fierce, driven and competitive. It was want and need and it was difficult.

But somewhere in between them he found a balance, an equilibrium where everything was perfect.

Yeah, I was actually supposed to be writing some ToshikixBan but re-reading Divine Design just brought back the sexual tension between juubei and Toshiki and then that wouldn't let me go.

Toughts?