Just Another One of Those Wicked Parodies
Act II
Chapter 21
For Good/Finale
(The Very Last Chapter)
[Maybe]
...
...
...
Authoress- Please! Turn it off!
Fiyero- (From wherever he may be at this time) I have a serious headache!
Authoress- Wait...how can you have a headache? You're made of-
Fiyero- SHHHH! You're going to spoil the surprise!
Glinda (The 'Ga' is silent.)- A SURPRISE?
Fiyero- A surprise.
Glinda the Good (Officially)- A SURPRISE?
Fiyero- Yes! A-
Authoress- SHUSH CUT IT OUT! I have a killer headache from you two shouting and- oh!- (Rubs temples) Some one do something about that noise! Please!
Fiyero- It's really loud, I can hear it from here!
Glinda- Where are you anyway? Never mind... I don't like it either. (Whines) Elphie! Please get it to stop!
Elphaba- (Stomps on stage) Okay, alright1 I'll handle it... (switches broom to other hand and slams it onto the ground)
[Noise Swells]
Elphaba- NOW! (Waits a minute but nothing happens) She must have been born in a barn! IF YOU EVER WANT TO SEE YOUR AUNT EM AND YOUR UNCLE WHAT'S-HIS-NAME AGAIN, YOU BETTER TURN THAT MUSIC DOWN!
Authoress- I really do hate rap.
Dorothy- Muh-muh-muh-muh...
Fiyero- Actually I don't think that's rap...I'm pretty sure it's pop music. Lady Gaga or something along those lines. Or that's what the monkeys told me anyhow.
Authoress- Do you know how to wake up Lady Gaga?
Fiyero- ...
Authoress- You-
Dorothy- P-p-p-poker face, p-p-poker face!
Audience- Booo! Laaame!
Audience Member- That was the lamest joke I ever heard!
Fiyero- Hey, he didn't yel-
Audience Member- IT BURNED MY EARS!
Fiyero- Never mind then...
ElphabaROCKS- (dies of laughter) I cannot believe you put that lame joke in your parody! Really? That is soooo... wow.
Authoress- Go away and stop teasing me.
ElphabaROCKS- I can't 'go away.'
Authoress- Why not?
ElphabaROCKS- Because Fiyero's here.
Fiyero- (Still from an undetermined hiding place somewhere offstage.) Actually, I'm not here. Well, I'm here, but I'm not there. Really I'm just- I'm going to stop talking now...
Authoress- Fiyero, you should get out of that hiding spot, my man.
Fiyero- Why?
Authoress- Because there are ghosts in here. You know that don't you?
Fiyero- WHAT DID YOU SAY? (Leaps out from left wing onto stage) NO GHOSTS! GHOSTS ARE REAAAAAAAAAALLY SCARY!
Authoress- Ahaha...Every theatre has its ghosts.
Fanfictioner- Since when are we on a stage?
Authoress- Since I started writing the parody like it took place on a stage. And...this is a script is it not? Typically you use a stage when performing plays and...Oh dear I am rambling on about theatre. I better stop now...
Fiyero- HELP ME! (Runs and clings to Elphaba) I AM AFRAID OF GHOSTS! PLEASE SAVE ME! SPARE MY LIFE, OH FOUL SPIRITS!
Elphaba- Whoah, what's wrong with his face?
Authoress- FIYERO! GET OFF OF ELPHABA NOW!
Fiyero- What? Why?
Authoress- Eight foot rule still stands, don't you remember?
Elphaba and Fiyero- Aw man!
Authoress- Both of you, give me eight feet! Now! Go, go, move!
Fiyero- I'm not moving! You can't make me move!
Elphaba- You kind of look like a scarecrow, Fiyero.
Authoress- She's not supposed to see you yet!
Fiyero- I feel like a bride.
[silence]
Elphaba and Authoress- ...WHAAAAAT?
Fiyero- You know! The groom isn't supposed to see the bride in her wedding dress before they are married. That's like this only, I'm not wearing a dress and- oh- never mind.
Elphaba- That wasn't a very good metaphor, Fiyero.
Authoress- No, no it wasn't. Now you two, give me eight feet! Now! GO! (Walks over to Fiyero and Elphaba. Grabs Fiyero's collar and drags him off the stage.)
Fiyero- Nooooooooooooooooo!
ElphabaROCKS- So, me and some of the other fanfictioners were wondering...Well...Does the eight foot rulle apply to us and...uh...(coughs) Fiyero?
Authoress- And...who?
ElphabaROCKS- Fiy -(cough)- ero.
Authoress- Dude, you need to speak up and enunciate. I can not understand you. Speak clearly! Who are you asking about?
Fan fictioners of Wicked- FIYEROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Authoress- Oh! Fiyero? Does the eight foot rule apply?
Most Girl fan fictioners in the Wicked Fandom- That's what we were asking!
Authoress- Yes.
Fiyero Fans- Yes?
Authoress- Yes, it does apply. Now, go away.
Fiyero Fans- Gosh darn it! (Leaves)
Authoress- That's better! Now, (turns to Elphaba) What are we going to do with you? Hm...well, I think we can do For Good first. (Runs offstage and grabs Glinda)
Glinda- Stop dragging me! What happened to the eight foot rule?
Authoress- Doesn't apply to me.
Everyone- It doesn't?
Fiyero Fans- WHAT?
Authoress- I don't mean to show a bias but- Glinda! (Shoves) Get over there! Now!
Monkey Minion- I have a note for Elphaba!
Authoress- Give it to her then.
Monkey Minion- How? Isn't there some rule about not getting more than eight feet close to someone? I thought I heard something along those lines.
Authoress- Oh...make it a paper airplane and throw it to her then.
Monkey Minion- (Folds and throws) THERE! CATCH IT!
Elphaba- Oh! (Reaches and tries to catch the plane but misses.) Curses!
Glinda- (Catches the plane) What's this?
Elphaba- Drop it Glinda!
Glinda- Make me! Now, let us all see what the Wicked Witch of the West is getting tin the mail! (Reads) Oh no! Elphie! (cries) Oh, Elphie!
Elphaba- What? What does the note say? Is it about Fiyero?
Glinda- You can't order cheese pizza. I'm lactose intolerant!
Elphaba- Oh, who said I was going to share, anyhow?
Glinda- But...I'm your best friend!
Elphaba- Aw!
Authoress- Aw!
Celestial Voice- Aw!
Glinda- Come on, give me a hug! (Holds out arms.)
Elphaba- No! Stop, the eight foot rule!
Authoress- (slaps hand to forehead) Why me? Why does everything I write turn on me and bite me in the back? Am I doomed to have everything go wrong?
Glinda- Okay. Air hug then! (Gives Elphaba an air hug.)
Elphaba- Alright...(Returns the air hug.) Well, that wasn't awkward. You know, even though you're pretty self absorbed, and selfish, you're my best friend, Glinda. I wouldn't have it any other way.
Glinda- Elphie?
Elphaba- Yes?
Glinda- I'm your only friend.
Elphaba- Right.
Glinda- (Flips pizza order over) Hey, there's something written here! It says...OH MY OZ! (Starts to cry) Elphie, Fiyero is- Fiyero is dead!
Elphaba- WHAT?
Glinda- Yes...and (sob) there's a little winking face next to his name...Wait, what?
Elphaba- Um...(Shifty eyes) That must have been because he was a winky.
[ Loud noise, such as an angry mob. ]
Elphaba- Oh, well, um...You're a good friend, Glinda! Bye! (Closes curtain) NO! Wait!
(opens curtain and throws the Grimmarie at Glinda) Here! I love you, Glin, in a totally not creepy way! Bye! (closes curtain.)
Dorothy- Oh my God, she's green! (Splashes water onto Elphaba)
[Screaming and then silence.]
Glinda- Elphie? ...Elphaba? (Pulls back curtain) AH! Oh no! Elphie!
Authoress- I wish you would stop saying the same thing over and over...
Glinda- I never got to say I loved her too! (cries) In a totally non creepy way. (Slowly crawls into her bubble and curls up.)
Authoress- Oh, don't be so pitiful. That' didn't come across as comforting...Stand up Glinda. Come on.
(Watches Glinda stand up slowly, compose herself and then fly away.) Poor dear...
Glinda- Fellow Ozians- friends, let me get to the point. None of what you know is true. The wizard lied, Animals should be able to speak and- I wan't to restore Oz, I want to try and help.
Random Ozian- So...Is the witch dead?
Glinda- I'd like to try and be...
Random Ozian- Hello?
Boq- Shut up man, Glinda is talking.
(*Mean while*)
Fiyero- (looks around and knocks on trap door) Elphaba?
Authoress- Wait!
Fiyero- What do you want now? We're almost done with the show!
Authoress- How did you knock?
Fiyero- Like this. (knocks again)
Authoress- Whatever then. Continue.
Celestial Voice- You know, I really don't like straw, I'm actually allergic. Also, scarecrows have scared me to death ever since I was a little kid. I thought they were scary.
Fiyero- You would think that.
Authoress- He's not scary. He's dreamy, even as a scarecrow.
Fiyero- (Rolls eyes) Whatever. (Knocks again) ELPHABA OPEN THE STINKIN DOOR! (Elphaba opens the trap door.) Don't look at me I'm hideous.
Elphaba- I've already seen you like this. You're fine, Fiyero.
Authoress- Wait! She's ruining the moment, someone erase her memory!
Tommy Lee Jones and Will Smith- We could use this. (Holds up 'the flashy thingy')
Authoress- That could work. Be my guest! (Watches Elphaba's memory be erased from the past couple hours) Now we have to give her the memory...um...Oh! You've just staged your death to all of Oz by having a little girl throw water on you as you 'melt' when you're really just going underground via trap door.
Elphaba- (Blinks. Looks at Fiyero) Fiyero?
Fiyero- (turns face so Elphaba can't see him) I know...(Helps Elphaba out of trap door)
Elphaba- You're still beautiful.
Fiyero- (laughs) You shouldn't tell lies.
Elphaba- I'm not lying, just looking at things in a different way.
Fiyero- What does that mean?
Elphaba- Not sure, it's in the script though.
Authoress- (Drools over Fiyeraba)
ElphabaROCKS- I thought you didn't like romance.
Authoress- Oh, shut up!
(*Meanwhile*)
Glinda- And there will be other times that frighten us.
Boq- Like that one time when we all saw Madame Morrible go swimming in the suicide canal? SO MUCH WHITE PASTYNESS! That was horrific.
Audience Member- MY EYES!
Glinda- And I really can't do anything about those times that frighten us...
Random Ozian- So wait, she is dead.
Another Random Ozian- Yes, she is! Now shut up!
(*Back to Fiyeraba*)
Elphaba- We have to tell Glinda-
Fiyero- No, we can't. Glinda can't keep a secret.
Elphaba- (Goes into major flashback mode) I have been changed...
(*Back to Glinda*)
Glinda- ...For good.
Random Ozian- NO ONE MOURNS THE WICKED!
(*Back To Elphaba and Fiyero*)
Fiyero- Come on, we'll leave Oz, it will be best anyway.
Elphaba- I love it here though...but I love you too. (Walks into portal with Fiyero, holding his hand)
Authoress- We may actually get through this!
(*Back to Glinda*)
All Ozians- WICKED!
Authoress- We're going to make it!
All Ozians and Glinda- WICKEEEEEEEEEEED!
[Black out]
Fiyero- Elphaba?
Elphaba- Yes?
Fiyero- I'm afraid of the dark.
Elphaba- It's okay, I'm right here.
Author's Note: Okay, a special thanks to ElphabaROCKS who made me write while we were on the bus ride to a very long field trip. Most of her lines were things she actually said (I tweaked them a little though)
But, we got to the end...I feel kind of weird saying that the parody is over and done with. I may write one more chapter for the bows, but that was supposed to be a surprise...dangit.
Reviews are still Funny.
(and somewhat romantic)
AHHHHHHHH Something has changed within me!
They're mostly funny though.