Disclaimer: Are Harry and Draco making out in the corridors after Potions? Is Luna right about Nargles? Is Lupin still alive? Did Fred never die? No? Then do you think I own Harry Potter?

Summary: Draco and Potter once again find themselves fighting. But what happens when Draco's spell goes wrong, and he has to take care of an indisposed Potter?

WARNINGS: This is PWP - an 8th year at Hogwarts. I HAVE NAMED THIS PEOPLES MIRACULOUSLY ALIVE: Lupin, Sirius, Dumbledore and Snape. I don't know how they all stayed alive, but they didn't die in this fic. ALSO! This shall be an eventual DracoXHarry. I think this is going to be a pretty long story and I don't know how long it will take me to finish, but I know it'll be fun to write and hopefully fun to read! And yes, damnit, I did get the title from the movie with Tina Fey. :P

Baby Mama Drama: Chapter One

Magic Is A Bad Word

A Baby Is God's Opinion That Life Should Go On

- Carl Sandburg

Draco stared blankly at the little boy in front of him. The black-haired boy stared back with wide green eyes, his thumb stuck in his mouth.

Draco blinked once, going over what had happened in his mind.

"What's wrong, Potter?" Draco sneered, deflecting the weak jinx sent his way. "Is the poor baby afraid to be seen crying?"

"Shut up, Malfoy!" Potter shouted, wiping his eyes furiously as he blindly shot hex after hex towards his school nemesis.

Draco laughed, almost cruelly, then raised his wand and began an incantation. However, one of Harry's jinxes hit him square in the chest. He flew backward and slammed into the opposite wall, his spell unfinished. Dazed, he sat up. That was a strong hex Potter had hit him with. Stronger than anything he thought the boy to be capable of, even considering what had happened the previous summer. But - speaking of Potter - where was he?

Draco looked around, and found Potter's robes in a pile on the floor. Potter was nowhere to be seen. Draco paled. His jinx was supposed to put Potter in a diaper with a bonnet and binky, to emphasize the whole baby joke. But he never finished the incantation - did the jinx backfire? Where was Potter now? Did the spell hurt him?

The robes moved, and a mess of black hair popped out. Draco felt his heart start to beat again, though faster than normal. He didn't hurt Potter, he just shrank him.

Right?

Draco blinked again. He didn't shrink Potter. He turned him into a bloody toddler. The hex was made to make him look like a baby, and Draco managed to turn him into an actual baby.

"Who awe you?"

Jumping, Draco looked down. Little Potter was tugging on his robes, thumb still glued to his mouth. Draco was surprised at how well the little Potter could talk - he didn't look older than three or four and he just barely reached Draco's hips. He stared up at Draco, his glasses forgotten on the floor. Draco never realized how green Potter's eyes were until they were looking up at him with that burning curiosity that every child posses.

Potter tugged harder on his robes.

"Stop that." Draco snapped, yanking his robes out of Potter's small hand. Potter's eyes immediately widened and welled up, tears glistening as his lower lip began to tremble. Draco winced - that was a harsh tone to use with a little kid, even for a Malfoy, and that's apparently what Potter was right now; a little kid. "Do you know who I am?" He asked, not much nicer. Eyes still glistening, Potter shook his head slowly. "I'm Malfoy." Draco sighed, trying to be nicer to the bite-sized Gryffindor.

Potter blinked. "Malfwoy?" He scrunched his nose in concentration. "Dat's a weiwd name." His hands flew to his mouth almost immediately, and he looked up to Draco, a look of pure horror on his tiny features. "I'm sowwy!" he squeaked.

Draco raised an eyebrow. When did Potter actually gain his confidence? This kid was petrified at even the thought of insulting Draco's name, which was odd. The Potter Draco was familiar with loved making fun of his name. It was one of his favorite things to do - mock how old-fashioned the name 'Draconius' was, with no thought to the fact that it was a noble, ancient pure-blood Wizarding name that was an honor to be named, damnit.

"It's my last name. You can call me Draco, if you want." The words were out of his mouth before he realized what he was saying. This was Potter! No matter how young or old the kid was, he was still Potter - Gryffindor's Golden Boy! The boy who's life he had been trying to make miserable ever since he came to Hogwarts and had his hand refused - Harry Bloody Potter!

"Dwaco." A huge smile broke out over Potter's face. "I like dat name." He looked around, taking in the empty corridor of the castle. Draco realized that Potter's clothes hadn't shrunk with him, and the little kid was swimming in clothes that were supposed to fit an eighteen year old.

"Where awe we, Dwaco?" Potter stuck his thumb back in his mouth. "Dis defin'tly i'n't Aunt P'tunia's house."

Draco rubbed his eyes. "This is Hogwarts. A school. Our school." He sighed. He couldn't fix this on his own. "Come on, Potter. We're going to Dumbledore."

"My name is Hawwy." Potter told him. "Unca Vewnon says dat Potter's a bad name."

Draco raised his eyebrows. Potter was told his name was bad? He shook his head. Who cared how Potter was raised? He had to get him to Dumbledore immediately - dealing with a toddler version of Potter was not part of the plan for the reconstruction of the Malfoy name.

"Follow me." He told the small boy. Draco turned and went about ten feet before he heard a small thud. Groaning inwardly, he turned around and saw that Potter had face-planted. The small boy brought his hand up to his nose, only to pull it away bloody. Draco braced himself, expecting terrified screams. He had been completely petrified of blood, his own or anyone else's, when he had been younger, and thought it was standard for little kids to hate blood. Instead, Potter scrambled to sit up straight. He pinched his nose, and tipped his head back slightly with the profession air of Madame Pomfrey, sighing as he closed his eyes.

"Are you okay?" Draco asked, reaching the Golden Boy in a matter of seconds. He crouched next to him, blanching at the blood that already stained the corridor floor.

"Fine." The boy said thickly. "I'b used t'bloody nobes." He wiped his nose on his sleeve, pleased to see no more blood. Even though it didn't last long, it bled hard and fast, drenching both the boy and the floor.

Draco was startled. "Why would you be used to bloody noses?"

"Dudley likes to pwactice on me." Potter said matter-of-factly. "I'm a good punching bag when he can catch me. But I'm pwetty fast now." He faced Draco, green eyes wide and innocent. Blood was painted down his face and on his much-too-large school robes. He looked like something straight out of one of those Muggle horror films.

"How'd you fall?" Draco asked, wondering vaguely who Dudley was. He didn't see anything for the small boy to trip over, except, of course -

"My pants." Potter kicked his legs, which were trapped in seemingly endless folds of fabric. "Dey're too long. I'm sowwy I fell." he added quickly.

Draco closed his eyes, sighed yet again, and stood up. He couldn't believe he was about to do what he was thinking of doing.

"Come on, Pott-Harry." The name was foreign on his tongue and would take a lot of getting used to. Not that he was going to be talking to him much - he was going to take the boy to Dumbledore and that would be that. "I guess I'll have to carry you."

Harry held his arms up. Draco picked him up and settled him on his hip, stunned at how light the already small boy was. "Accio." He muttered, flicking his wand.

Harry's glasses and wand flew over to Draco's waiting hand. Harry gasped. "How'd you do dat?!"

"Magic." Draco said absentmindedly. He pushed the glasses onto Harry's nose gingerly. Wondering what the hell he had got himself into, Draco began the seemingly endless trek to Dumbledore's office.

Harry clamped his hands over Draco's mouth. Draco spluttered. "What the hell?!"

"Don't say dat word!" Harry whispered fearfully.

"What, hell? I'll say hell whenever the hell I feel like it!"

"No!" Harry glanced over his shoulder as if worried someone might pop up around a corner. "Magic." He gasped quietly. "You can't say dat word - it's a bad word!"

Draco's thin eyebrows met, forming an elegant V over his eyes. "Who told you that?"

"Unca Vewnon." Harry fell quiet, then spoke quickly, as if unable to contain his secret any longer. "Unca Vewnon says dere's no such thing as magic and I don't want you to get locked in da cubbawd if he heaws you say magic like I do."

Draco stopped, and faced Harry. "They lock you in a cupboard?" He asked incredulously. He had hear rumors that Harry Potter's Muggle guardians were terrible people, but he had dismissed them as attempts to make Harry's life seem all the more tragic and interesting - better paper sales and all that rubbish. He never once put any credit to them being true.

Harry nodded furiously. "Dat's where I sleep." He informed the blonde.

Draco blinked, and shook his head. "Bloody hell." He shifted Harry to his other hip. "Don't they feed you anything?" He muttered. "You weigh less than my broom."

Harry shrugged, and his thumb found its way back into his mouth. "Sometimes," He said around his thumb. "If dey don't fowget I'm in da cubbawd."

I promise, the next chapters will be longer. This one came out shorter than I meant it to, but what can you do? If I added more it'd be too long. Oh, well. I'll be getting the quotes for the top of the chapters from .com, the babies section. :D I love little kids.

I have to share my inspiration for this fic: I was babysitting my cousin - who's about five and a half now, and while I was getting him ready for bed, I had to give him a bath. It was a lot of fun - I got soaked head to toe and he squealed like a little girl every time I splashed him - it was so adorable! We played for a long time in the bath before I wrapped a towel around his itty bitty body and picked him up. I had a sudden thought of Draco giving a toddler form of Harry a bath. I don't know why, but I did. It wasn't a perverted thought - it was sweet, and I just had to write the story. It won't be anything too serious, so tell me if you like it! :) Reviewers get to play with Toddler Harry!! 3