Title: Broken

Author: Kat Spencer

Summary: Set after Day 8. Jack and Renee attempt to put all the pieces back together. AU. Jack/Renee. Prequel to Blessed.

Author's note: First of all, I would like to say thank you for everyone who read Blessed. I was shocked by all the nice reviews. I didn't know what to expect with my first 24 fic. I'm going to expand on Blessed, but right now, I just had this idea rattling around in my head. Thanks to both my betas (jen87 and L.A. Doyle)!

"I am here still waiting, though, I still have my doubts
I am damaged at best, like you've already figured out
I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain there is healing,
In your name I find meaning."

~The song Broken by Lifehouse

Broken

By Kat Spencer

Chapter One

Renee sat at Jack's kitchen table, overlooking the darkening New York skyline. It was nearly eight at night and the sun was setting. Jack had called thirty minutes earlier to say that he was on his way after his debriefing of the day's events. He had told her he would pick up something from a local Thai restaurant. She had agreed.

She found herself sitting in the dark. She hadn't turned on a light since she'd used the bathroom to clean up. It had been dark then, as night turned into day she watched as the light poured into the apartment. Even with the blinds drawn it had still been bright, shining light on everything, probably even the things in herself she wanted to keep hidden away.

She was content with the descending night, the slow, creeping night. The dark matched her mood. The night was like a bitter friend, relentless in its pursuit. She was learning to live with it. In the past several months she had learned to live with a lot.

She let the day's events roll around in her head for what seemed like the millionth time. CTU, Jack, Vladimir, being charged for killing that monster, having those charges dropped in exchange for Jack's help…she was lucky, she knew that. She'd have to find a way to make it up to Jack, to thank him.

Renee closed her eyes and let her head fall back. She knew her problems had started long before that call from CTU. For Renee, things had started to change the day she met Jack Bauer. No, she wouldn't blame the change on him. On the contrary, the person who Renee started as that day followed the rules; the person who Renee ended as was someone who created her own rules.

She wasn't playing it safe anymore. She wasn't sure if she knew the meaning of the word any longer. She used to follow the rules because it was the right thing to do. Follow the rules, you get promoted. Follow the rules, you get acclaim. Follow the rules, people still die. Larry died, Bill died. Good people died everyday. So why should she follow "the rules?" The rules were made by men who didn't see what she saw day in and day out.

Maybe meeting Jack Bauer had been all she needed to tip the scales. Perhaps it was all she needed to fall into that unending abyss that had always been there, lurking in the shadows of her soul.

She remembered telling Jack that day, the day he lay dying on a gurney, that she couldn't live with herself knowing there was something she could have done to stop the people working with Wilson. So she would make Wilson talk, give up those names, in whatever means necessary. She had made up her mind before she had seen Jack that night.

However, what he had told her almost broke her heart, and her will. "You took an oath. You made a promise to uphold the law. You cross that line…it always starts off with a small step… Before you know it, you're running as fast as you can in the wrong direction just to justify what you started in the first place. These laws were written by much smarter men than me…I just don't think my heart could ever have lived with that."

Renee had made up her mind. She had laid down her badge and her gun. She had said goodbye to the rules many hours before, but Wilson would be the final nail in the coffin. With her handling of Wilson she had not only said goodbye to the rules, but screw you as well.

She couldn't have lived with herself if she did nothing when she could have done something. Nevertheless, it seemed as if she couldn't live with herself now, either. It was a lose-lose situation.

She had wondered what Jack had thought of her when he found out. She didn't want to know. She had once been called a monster, and she had spent months and months wondering if that were true. And that's why she had never answered his calls. She didn't want to hear his low, deep voice say even her name, because she knew then that she would have broken completely.

Perhaps now, though, she truly did have something, someone to live for…Jack. And as much as she didn't like to admit it, he had been right. He was right about the small step in the beginning, and the running full force in the wrong direction.

She needed to slow down, to stop. However, she didn't know how. It was as if the rational part of her brain was gone. She would rather sit alone in her dark apartment, with the blinds drawn, wallowing in self-loathing.

It was easier that way. It was easier to not care what happened to her. Until now. Jack had made sure of that with his words of commitment hours before. It was something she would hold onto forever.

Her eyes fluttered open as she heard the lock turn in the door. She rose from her seat, turning on a lamp as she went to see if Jack needed any help. "Hi," she said, almost cautiously, from the end of the dimly lit hallway. He locked the deadbolt and turned to face her, putting the bags down on the hallway table. He made his way to her.

"Hey, Renee," he told her as he pulled her in for a hug she wasn't expecting, but returned in kind immediately. She could get used to this.

"Are you hungry?" he asked.

She nodded. She actually was hungry. She hadn't been hungry, really hungry, in the last couple of days.

"Good, I bought plenty."

Renee smiled. She could really get used to this.

---

They had their late dinner in true Thai style, sitting on the floor. They didn't say much, but then, there wasn't much to say. Not over dinner anyway. She supposed having a conversation about her attempting suicide over dinner would be uncouth. So they did the whole polite meal thing, where they pretended to be interested in eating only.

She helped him wash the few dishes and put the leftovers away in the fridge. It was nice to do normal things, eating dinner, washing dishes, sitting down with a man who neither wanted to hurt her nor assault her. They sat on his couch; the TV volume was low. Jack changed it immediately, as the channel was broadcasting the news. He settled on a sitcom. It was something to fill the silence in the background.

It was comfortable with Jack. She supposed it always had been, even in the beginning when they hadn't seen eye to eye. He may not always let people inside his head, or his heart, but he was never anyone other than himself. She liked that.

She, on the other hand…she didn't even know who she was right now. The Renee Walker who was before was gone. The person who remained now was someone else completely. She was unsure of herself, she was unsure of everything. Vladimir, Jack, the future…she would admit it, she was scared.

She was scared of the unknown, she guessed, as any human would be. But with her, it was more than that. What if, even after trying, things didn't work with Jack? What if it was all too much for him and he just gave up? She was scared of being a monster, but even more than that she was scared of being alone again.

Renee sighed and Jack glanced over at her. She knew he was studying her. She wanted to shrink under his gaze. She never knew what he was thinking and, right now, she wished she did. Her eyes caught his and held his gaze for several moments.

When she couldn't take anymore, she looked away. "What did you think when you heard what I had done?"

She heard him chuckle deep in his chest. "I'm the last person in the world who could ever judge you, or anyone for that matter, Renee."

"But…what you said that day…"

"I know what I said, but I also told you that I couldn't tell you what to do. You made decisions you could live with," he told her.

"Yeah," Renee said as she absentmindedly touched her wrist.

"I'm sorry…you're here now. That's all that matters."

"Is it?"

"It is."

"How come it doesn't feel that way? If I had just done it the first time, I wouldn't have messed up today so badly."

"We probably wouldn't even have a today if it weren't for you. You made a difference today, Renee."

"It feels like…" she paused.

He waited.

"It feels like it's all broken, that I'm broken. I'm so far gone from who I was, and it seems as if I'll never be the same." Her face found his neck and he hugged her once more. It was different, she had initiated it, and so it was that much better.

"You won't be, but we'll work it out, all of it. I'll help you pick up the pieces. You won't be alone, Renee."

Her reserve broke and she began to cry. He let her. As sobs wracked her body, he let her have that time. He knew she needed this, the release. He held her for a long time after the tears stopped.

She finally pulled away and looked at him fully. "Why?"

"Why, what?

"Why are you doing this, Jack? Why do you care?"

"I've been where you are. I know the demons you face are real. I care for you, Renee. I care what happens to you."

"I can't get past it. I don't know if I ever will."

"You will, it will take time."

"How do you do it?"

"I've come to peace with what I've done. I don't regret anything. I can't live in the past, especially not one like mine. So, I'll take the days I have left, and maybe be happy for a little while."

"I could stand a little happiness."

"Then we'll work on that, together. I meant what I said. I want to be with you, Renee."

Renee nodded.

---

It had been a long time since either one of them had shared a bed with someone. And that's all it was, sharing a bed. After a day like this past one, it would be a long time before she could even think about being intimate with someone, even if that someone was Jack Bauer.

"Jack?" she asked as they both lay awake in the darkened bedroom. Her head rested on his shoulder, her hand lightly rested on his chest, their fingers intertwined.

"Yes?"

"What about California?"

He cleared his throat. "I don't have to do anything right now."

"Yes, you do. You already told Kim…"

"She'll understand."

"What if I went out there with you?"

"I couldn't ask you to leave right now."

"I don't have anything to leave, Jack. It might even help. It's easier to be with someone in the same city."

"Only if you're sure."

"I'm sure."

"Okay. We can go out there in the next couple of days and try to find a place. Come back to the city and pack."

"Mmm, but right now we should sleep. I'm sure you're exhausted."

"You know how these days are, your brain doesn't know when to stop."

"You can stop now, Jack. Rest."

"You too, Renee."

---

TBC in Chapter Two