Look a Little Deeper

By: Sorano

Chapter Three

Disclaimer- CCS does not belong to me and I am gratefully borrowing the characters without permission from my wonderful CLAMP.

"Eriol-kun!" a chair skidded and Tomoyo was sure that was Sakura jumping up.

Eriol Hiirigizawa was here then? Why now? After all these years? Now? It had been two long years since Eriol had left for England. They had written once or twice but communication pretty much ended there. He would be different now. Older. Suddenly Tomoyo had a strong desire to see his face, search those calm deep eyes for an answer. Look upon her childhood. But it was too late now. Tomoyo's days of sight were over. If vision meant nothing then people were nothing as well.

Footsteps. Was that Eriol walking towards their table? "Hiirigizawa-san?" Tomoyo's voice surprised even her. It sounded so tired and strained.

"Daidouji-san," was the polite and cool response.

Tomoyo could hear his breathing next to her and feel his presence. She had become good at feeling people's auras. Eriol's chi was a dark, metallic blue. It was cold and warm at the same time.

She put on a smile. "Have a seat, Hiirigizawa-san."

"Are you going to throw anything at me? You seemed a little out of control a few minutes ago."

"I won't bite you. I promise."

The boy gave a gentle laugh that sent goosebumps racing up and Tomoyo's spine. A chair was pulled out presumably across from Tomoyo.

"How have you been, Daidouji-san?" Eriol inquired.

Tomoyo fiddled with her napkin, tearing it to shreds below the table. "Fine. I mean, I've been doing alright."

"I'm glad to hear that. Minna-san? Has life in Tomoeda been well?"

"Hai," the girls chorused. "We are all fine."

"Sakura-chan," Eriol spoke teasingly to his heir. "Are the you-know-whats alright? No more wild teddy bear attacks? I hope they haven't been giving you too much trouble."

Sakura giggled. "They are good. I can…" her voice faltered. "Maybe we can talk later, Hiirigizawa-san."

Tomoyo understood when Chiharu squealed, "Ara, are you two keeping secrets now? What are you-know-whats? Are you two having an affair?" The last bit just slipped out and the table went silent. Tomoyo ached to see the expression on her friend's expressions, most of all Eriol's. No, Eriol would keep his face smooth and controlled.

True to himself, Eriol chuckled. "Hai, Sakura and I are going to sneak out at midnight and seduce each other under the moonlight."

The girls began to chatter about all sorts of little things, sex gossip no doubt, and Tomoyo zoned out. It was hard to keep her concentration when she couldn't make eye contact anymore. Her mind wandered away from the conversation.

"Here you are miss," a prissy female voice said. "Here. Pancakes and omelette with orange juice, just like you ordered."

"Tomoyo-chan," Sakura prodded Tomoyo with a sticky fork. "The waitress brought you your meal." Sakura spoke in a hushed tone but Tomoyo was sure everyone could hear.

"Um, hai. Gomen. Er, arigatou," she tilted her face in the general direction of the waitress and then felt around for her plate. She was relieved when the footsteps faded away.

Fork. Fork. Where was it? Alright, Tomoyo the girl whispered to herself, feeling a blush creep across her cheeks. The fork is always on the right side of the plate, spoon and knife on the left. At least that's what Eriol told me.

Her shaking hand grabbed the hard edge of the table and moved upwards until it came to the polished surface of her plate. To the right, it's to the right.

"Tomoyo-chan," Rika said gently, placing the fork into her friend's trembling hand. "Have you ate anything since you…" her voice trailed off, a nameless ailment. "It will get easier," she added with a hint of doubt. "See," Rika took Tomoyo's hand within her own and guided it over the plate. "Here is your omelette at the top and a pile of pancakes at the bottom. Your orange juice is top right and the maple syrup is top left."

Tomoyo was humiliated. Never before in her life had she felt so outcasted and different, so incredibly helpless. She could feel every pair of eyes at the table boring into her, searching and tearing her apart with their gaze. She was helpless to fight back.

So Eriol must know now then, how could he not? Tomoyo was making such a scene. He must be filled with pity for her, poor little Tomoyo. Or worse yet, repulsion. Oh, it was awful to think that she might disgust that beautiful, ominous mage. She could sense his stare. His aura was peering right through her. It made Tomoyo uncomfortable.

"Stop looking at me!" she cried. "All of you! I know you are staring at poor, freaky Tomoyo! I'm still me! I can eat! Watch!"

Tomoyo jabbed her fork into the upper end of the plate and it screeched along the glass. Her second try picked up a rubbery egg which she popped into her mouth. The food tasted so good and warm. She was so hungry.

She began to stuff food in her mouth without even pausing to chew. She devoured her omelette in minutes and moved onto the pancakes.

"Um, Tomoyo –chan, would you like me to cut up your pancakes for you?" timid Naoko offered tentatively.

"Iie! I don't need any help! I don't need anyone's help!"

Tomoyo placed the warm dough in her mouth and swallowed it whole. It was hard going down but oddly satisfying. Her hand reached clumsily forward and collided with a cold cylinder. She heard glass shatter and cold, sticky liquid ran over and through her fingers.

"Ara, Tomoyo-chan!" Sakura cried with a hint of exasperation. "Slow down! It isn't a contest!"

"I couldn't help it," Tomoyo said in a small voice. "It's not my fault. Nothing is my fault. I'm blind. I couldn't see where the glass was!"

"Calm down!" Chiharu growled. "People are staring."

People are staring! Who can help but stare at a blind kid?

"I want to go home now," Tomoyo whispered. "Please take me home now."

"Demo, we are-"

"Li-kun," Tomoyo pleased to her most serious friend. "Please call my drivers."

"I- okay, Daidouji-chan."

Chan? Chan! What was that for?

"I'm sorry I forced you to come out here when you clearly wasn't ready."

Tomoyo just nodded dumbly, focusing her empty eyes on the floor. The Chinese boy grabbed her hands a little roughly and helped her to stand.

"Sayonara Tomoyo-chan!" the girls called mournfully. "Are you coming to school tomorrow?"

"Ja mata," Eriol's voice lingered in her mind.

* * *

"I am lonely," the words rolled off her tongue, bounced against the walls before dissapering. No one heard them. The dark room was empty- at least it was to Tomoyo. Her own self was the center of her universe and it was her universe. Sometimes she felt like she was in a parallel world that was a photo negative of the real one. But what was real? In this universe nothing was real- nothing was alive. It was only Tomoyo. Tomoyo was all.

Isolated from society Tomoyo sat alone in the sunroom, rocking gently back and forth on the old wicker-rocking couch. The wind moved through her long hair, billowing it up and then kissing her face. The sun was nice. Sometimes Tomoyo thought that she could see the orange-tinge glow of the sun peaking through the clear irises but it was only an illusion. She could never see the golden summer king again.

"Come with me to the market today, Tomoyo-chan," Sonomi begged, distressed at her daughter's ever-pale face. "You used to love coming to the market and buying new fabrics. I know those dresses you spent some much time on were for little Sakura-chan."

"I want to stay here. I like it here," Tomoyo said, slowly folding her arms over her chest. She liked the security and comfort that the sunny little room offered. She was not afraid here.

"You can't sit here forever, Tomoyo-chan. Everyday you come down and just sit there until nightfall. You refuse to join me for meals and I can barely get two sentences out of you at a time. Where's my girl's loving smile?"

"Dead," Tomoyo replied her voice hollow.

Sonomi sighed and raked a tired hand through her short, light hair. She had not wanted to mention this option to her but now it seemed there was no other choice. If she did not act quickly then her daughter would fade away, melt into her own shadows.

"Tomoyo-chan, I was thinking of something that would be nice for you." Sonomi waited but no response came. She pressed on with a bit too much vigour. "There are people who could help you, who can talk with you."

Tomoyo's face remained stony and unreadable. Sonomi wished she had some inkling at all to what her daughter was thinking, if she even thought at all anymore.

"I had a nice little chat with Dr. Himino yesterday."

"A shrink," Tomoyo said hoarsely. "You told a shrink about me? Are you going to lock me up in some hospital now? You…you think I'm unstable."

"Hai. No, no. Iie, that's not what I meant. You have problems, Tomoyo-chan. You have to admit it before you can conquer it. I would never lock you up anywhere and I don't think you are insane."

"I never said I was insane!" Tomoyo hollered. "So that's what you really think of me, ne?" Her voice was hard and bitter, Tomoyo never had the power to make her mother flinch like that before.

"Iie, I don't think that at all." Sonomi spoke after a while. She was growing tired of having to defend herself. Tomoyo could not go on putting the blame on others. It was hurting the ones she loved and eventually it would tear away at herself.

"There are schools, Tomoyo-chan. Schools for the blind. They can teach you stuff there. Show you how to function without your sight."

"Maybe I don't want to live without my sight," Tomoyo stated flatly. "Maybe I don't want to be a blind person."

"You don't have a choice, Tomoyo-chan! What is will be and there is nothing you can do to change that. You can only be happy when you accept that fact."

Tomoyo did not reply so Sonomi went back inside, letting the door shut with a final snap.

* * *

"I changed my mind," Tomoyo announced, walking into the den where her mother was watching television. She had let the static noise guide her and would not allow any servants show her the way.

"You will talk to someone about your problems then?"

"Iie. I will not. I have decided to accompany you to the market."

"That's great, Tomoyo-chan. If you would hold on just a minute I will go and get myself ready."

Tomoyo nodded and sunk into a nearby chair. Her fingers brushed over a sticky clump on the plush a material and a small smile appeared on her face. Sakura had spilt her finger paints there many years ago. If she remembered correctly that spot was a bright orange splot among the dreary beige.

What was a life without colour? Where was the happiness in darkness? Colours stirred up emotions and memories and black sucked them all away until the point that life had no meaning.

Sonomi re-entered the room, smelling quite strongly of perfume that made Tomoyo's eyes water.

"Ano, let's go, Tomoyo-chan," Sonomi said briskly as she clasped Tomoyo's hand. She insisted to holding onto Tomoyo's hand all the way down to the market. In all honesty, Tomoyo was quite glad because touch was what she relied on not to lose herself. If she were to become separated from her mother than the hubble-bubble of the city streets would overwhelm her. Even as it was Tomoyo's hand was glued so tight to her mother's that both their skin turned red.

The market wad full of good smells and merry music. Tomoyo gave a great sniff and a smile crawled across her face. "Ara, can you smell them, Okaasan? Hot dogs, elephant ears and oh, I can almost taste those berry pops! It has been too long since I've been here. You used to take Sakura-chan and me every weekend when we were little, remember? I think that was my most favourite time."

Sonomi grinned at her daughter, then remembered that that wouldn't do. "Hai, I enjoyed that, too."

"I miss being little sometimes, Okaasan. I miss colours. Hey, lets buy some berry pops, okay? For old times sake?"

The line was long and the summer day was hot. Tomoyo was constantly asking her mother how many people were ahead of them and the sweet raspberry smell was driving her crazy.

There was a tugging at her blouse and the annoyed Tomoyo whiped around. "Okaasan? Nani?"

"Konnichiwa, Daidouji-san," a silky, male voice called, as the warm hand that had grabbed her moved up her shoulder and rested there.

"Hiirigizawa-san," Tomoyo flushed. She had made a fool of herself the week before. How could Eriol even stand to look at her? She had thrown a tantrum, like a little child.

"Are you well?"

"Hai, um, you?"

"Never better. Daidouji-san, how would you like to walk with me? I have never been to this market before and I would appreciate your guidance."

"Okaasan?" Please say no. Please say no. Don't leave me alone with Eriol.

"I don't think so, Hiirigizawa-san. Not today. Tomoyo-chan is… not up to much today. She hasn't been feeling well lately."

"I know, but I will take good care of her. It's been a few years since we've had a chance to talk."

Tomoyo wanted to scream when her mother's hand slowly slid out of her sticky grasp and she was left alone, defenceless.

"I'll bring her home later, Daidouji-san."

"Ano, have a good time, Tomoyo-chan."

"Okaasan, please don't leave me." Tomoyo's voice came out as a croak.

"Tomoyo-chan, Hiirigizawa-san is your friend. He won't hurt you." Sonomi reached down and hugged Tomoyo awkwardly before she turned away into the crowd.

"Would you like a berry pop, Tomoyo-chan? I think it would do you good."

"Okaasan and I were in line. Aren't we still?"

"Iie, the line has moved on. Demo, its shorter now so well go back?"

Tomoyo grudgingly allowed herself to be pulled along by Eriol. "I think I know what I need," she huffed. "A leash for people to lead me around by."

Eriol laughed. "That would be a disgrace to you. You talk about yourself like you aren't even humen."

"Please don't start on that. I'm getting really tired of people telling me to get over it."

"Alright, we'll talk about something else."

"How was England? Why did you come back? It's your home, ne?"

Tomoyo heard Eriol sigh deeply and fiddle with something. "England is nothing now. I felt rather out of place there, now that I have fulfilled my purpose setting Sakura-chan on the right path. I came back here to stay so that I can live now. I do not wish to be Clow Reed any longer. Do you know what that's like, Daidouji-san? To be forced into an uncomfortable mold?"

An uncomfortable mold. "I think I know. Or, I used to."

There was a brief pause and Tomoyo wondered if Eriol was embarrassed. Was he blushing maybe?

"Two raspberry please," Eriol said and Tomoyo assumed they reached they front of the line. "Hold out your hand, Daidouji-san," he said and Tomoyo thrust it out.

Tomoyo's fingers closed around the wooden stick and a sticky liquid dripped down onto them. The smell was stronger than ever now.

"You will want to eat that quickly, Daidouji-san. It's dripping."

"I know."

"Ano, it's just like always. Go ahead or would you rather drink it?"

"I can't," Tomoyo faltered.

"Why not? You know the Berry Pop is in your hand and you know where your mouth is. Move one into the other."

"Its not that simple!"

"Sure it is. Lick that up, Daidouji-san, it'll stain your pretty skirt."

Tomoyo raised her hand up high and opened her mouth. She missed the first couple of times, hitting her cheeks instead but after a while a natural gravity allowed her to place the sweet confection in her mouth.

"Ohhh, it's so good! I had forgotten what it felt like." She gave an ungraceful slurp.

Eriol squeezed her hand and pulled her through the crowds. Tomoyo could feel heavy bodies smothered against her and a hot putrid smell that made her gag. "It must be crowded today," she commented.

"Not really. We're in the stage area where everyone is gathered to watch the show."

"Ara!" Tomoyo clapped her hands gleefully. "Who's playing today? Wait- don't tell me. I can hear them. It's… Daikonnai, ne?"

"You're a sharp girl, Daidouji-san."

"For a blind girl you mean."

"Why do you keep going back to that?" Eriol asked quietly. "Hai, you're blind. I'm really, really sorry about that, did I tell you? But you know, I truly do pity you."

"Don't lecture me, Hiirigizawa-san. I don't need it from you."

"You need it from someone."

"How would you know? How could you know what it feels like?"

"You're right. I don't. Would you care to enlighten me?"

"Nani?" Tomoyo said sharply and halted her tongue. What could she say? It's not like something you can just describe. "Err, its not like- its not like you could ever understand!"

"Ah hah, I've got you. You don't know how you feel. You've been running off raw emotion all this time and you have nothing to fuel it. You don't know why you're upset, you just feel like you should be. You can't see how much you've changed."

"What, do you want me to go and write a book now? 'A day in the shadows' by Daidouji Tomoyo."

"Would it help?" he asked mildly.

Tomoyo yanked her hand out of his own and felt her puppet strings snap. Her connection shattered and she was afraid. She took a step away and another, then broke into a run. She was free and wild and since her world was empty then she didn't need to worry which direction she was headed or what she could come across.

People yelped and there was a heavy thudding of feet as people moved out of the mad girl's way. A screeching and honking told her that she must have reached the road. She was lucky she didn't run straight into a wall but maybe some inner part of her knew where she was going. Heck, maybe she had intended to run into the road all along. She pressed on, gathering more and more speed. Her footsteps echoed lightly against the ground.

"Hey, hey!" People called and Tomoyo felt a million fingers tugging at her.

"Hey, somebody stop that girl! She's going to kill herself!"

"What the hell does she think she's doing?"
"Watch out!"

Wheels, spinning and zooming down the melting asphalt, the sound was a siren Tomoyo couldn't place. Air zipped by her, tearing at her skirt. Why is this road so wide? Was she going up or down? Fear throbbed in her temples. Where am I?

There came a hard blow to Tomoyo's back, sending her crashing to one side and knocking the wind forcefully out of her. Arms gripped her tightly around her waist and supported her as they hit the ground. Gravel scratched her skin and her head banged painfully down. Another car zoomed by, so dangerously close to her fallen body.

"Ara, God, Tomoyo-chan," a voice wheezed. Tomoyo knew her saviour to be Eriol. Though his voice was harsher and scratchy he still smelt and felt like Eriol. She remembered the feeling of them flying through the air together.

'Don't do that!" Suddenly Eriol was laughing. A horrible, absurd laugh. "I think you took fifty years off my life."

"Only old people can say that," Tomoyo struggled to retort.

"And me. Ara, you did scare me. I really thought I wouldn't make it in time. You run so fast, Daidouji-san. Someday even Sakura-chan will have trouble keeping up with you."

Tomoyo laughed weakly.

"Hey, can you get up? I'm sorry I had to push you. But it was that or have you dead."

"Daijoubu. I… never mind." Tomoyo rolled over onto her stomach and placed her hands underneath herself. The car exhaust made her cough and double over. She felt Eriol's body pressed next to hers and with his arm around her she was able to heave herself up.

"Where are we, Hiirigizawa-san?" Tomoyo's voice shook.

"We are now on the opposite side of the highway from the market is. Would you care to explain why we are here?"

"Are people staring? I can feel eyes."

"Ano, what do you expect? You frightened everyone, running out into the street like that. People tried to stop you but you raced like the devil was after you."

"Maybe he was."

"Iie, he's everywhere. You can't escape him because he's inside of you."

Still holding on tight to her, Eriol began to lead Tomoyo down the street, guiding her out of harm's way. "There's a crosswalk down here somewhere is you want to go back to the market," he said huskily into her ear. "Demo, I think I should take you home now."

Tomoyo was silent. She did not want to go home, back to her isolate prison of thoughts and hurt.

Eriol gave her shoulders a little squeeze. "Hm? What would you like?"

His simple kindness was overwhelming. They were almost strangers, yet he was treating her as if she was someone important. Somehow something just gave way in Tomoyo, something much larger than just blindness and she began to sob.

They stopped right there on the sidewalk. As Tomoyo's small body wracked with tears she imagined how appalled Eriol must be. Here he was doing her such a big favour and she was going to fall apart on him.

"Daidouji-san?" he whispered gently. He pulled her to the side and they collapsed onto a hard wooden bench. Her head found it's way into the nook of his shoulder and buried itself in there.

Eriol quickly got over his startlement and found himself a part to comfort her. He felt a shock realising he was hit rock bottom of Tomoyo's soul. What had he uncovered there? What could make the girl cry so?

Tomoyo felt his slender hand combing through her thick, tangled long hair. It was a gentle touch and made Tomoyo cry only harder. The simple act of somebody taking care of her brought back far too many painful memories. There was once another man, older, who had done this for her. Who once held her the same way,

Eriol was talking softly, not regular nonsense but with serious words. Tomoyo couldn't hear anything. Nothing but the beating of her own heart. He asked me what I, Tomoyo, would like.

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