The Olympian's guide to Life

Chapter 4

WOOHOOOOO! I got questions! Thank you guys SO MUCH!

I also happened to notice that a lot of you are fans of a certain Greek God of the Underworld, awesome choice! So am I!

Anyhow; here be the next chapter, and here's the general list of people;

Zeus is bold

Poseidon is underlined

Visitors are italic (Hades, god of the Underworld)

Dionysus is bold italic

Apollo is italic and underlined

Athena is normal text

Ares is bold, italic and underlined (he asked)

Voldy, the squirrel Goddess (me) is bold and underlined

Enjoy the update!

…

And here we are in a new instalment of the Olympian's guide to life!

Someone's hidden the wine!

That was me.

Why?

Because last time it was in plain view, heedless of your detoxification period you tried to nab a glass.

That hurt!

Well, I did happen to put an anti-Dionysus charm on the wine bottles, and I did warn you.

Hello!

Hey Apollo! OH MY GODS YOU HAVE WITHIN TEMPTATION ON YOUR IPOD!

Ha! Typical Voldy to like the Goth music!

…

… Forget I said anything.

Good boy.

You can have one headphone

As ever! XD

I am here! We can begin!

Actually we can't; Athena and Hades haven't arrived yet.

I have now

Hey Athena! Now all that's left is Hades.

Hello

What the – HERMES? Why are you here?

Message from Hades; he can't come, something to do with admin.

Right. Be right back. Hermes you're coming with me.

I pity Hades, I really do.

To be fair he should know better than to turn down an Olympian invitation.

Especially one from the RRA Goddesses

Ow! OW! What's with the ear-pulling?

Look, Hades, you're a teenager. Teenagers don't deal with admin! They have people to do it for them!

Technically he's several thousand years old

Physically he's an emo teenager with purple hair and an AC/DC T-shirt.

AC/DC are awesome

Glad you think so.

I would; they're my sons.

Speaking of your children, you guys, here's question one;

"Shouldn't you guys pay child support?" From LunaPadma

You are a genius, LunaPadma.

I hope you realise that Voldy is now giggling insanely at that question.

We don't use mortal currency, it's a bit difficult

And also you have so many kids you'd be bankrupt in ten seconds if you did.

Especially in Zeus's case

Hey!

It's true!

I'll read the next one.

Okay, teenager Hades is sniggering, this can't be good

Not for Poseidon and Athena it isn't

I've been carefully avoiding that question.

No you haven't, you lost the file with it on.

I know I did. I had to re-do the WHOLE questions file! You have NO IDEA how irritating that is!

Anyway, the question, also from LunaPadma, is this;

"How many times have Poseidon and Athena 'done it'? And don't try to deny it! I'm not stupid"

Okay…awkward

Isn't that a bit impossible because Athena's one of the virgin goddesses? And she came from Zeus's head too…

EWW! That's SICK! Poseidon! She's your NIECE dammit!

We have never "done it" because we hate each other

Understandably

What do you mean, Voldy?

Well; you snuck your girlfriend into her temple and did the dirty with her on Athena's altar and she turned the girlfriend into a snake-haired weirdo,

She does have a point; and same with the virgin goddess thing. And, strangely, Ares's point on Athena being our niece, Poseidon. You should be ashamed of yourself!

For the love of Primus I haven't done anything with Athena!

Except make a chariot several hundred years ago.

True

And all the little "my cabin is better than your cabin" battles

Good point

And the incest thing is moot; Zeus and Hera for example.

That's very true.

I'll read the next question;

"Why is Ares so hot? Can I marry Ares or Apollo?" From LttlBlcKitty

For Primus' sake, take Ares! Someone needs to get rid of the muscle flexing!

Don't I get a say in this?

NO!

No need to shout, Voldy.

Yes there was. I feel powerful when my shouting sends him cowering in the corner.

The evil cackle wasn't necessary either.

Very well done though.

Thank you. I'm sorry but Apollo's sort of spoken for, but Ares is available!

I'll read the next one – oh it's for me!

"Hades, why are you always so down? Do you need to take godly
antidepressants?" From Kanae Valentine.

WHAT?

Ha-ha! Nice one Kanae! XD

How am I always down? Seriously?

You're a moody old fart when you're not acting like a teenager.

To be fair he does hang around with dead people all day

That's true

And what the hell are anti-depressants?

Things depressed people take to stop being depressed

I AM NOT ON ANTI-DEPRESSANTS!

Could've fooled us…

OW!

For the sake of the mortals reading this, Hades just hit Dionysus over the head. With a shovel, ladies and gentlemen.

He did ask for it.

True; how would you like to work with the dead for all eternity, Dionysus?

No thanks

Exactly; it's really not nice.

Anyway… next question is for Hades, again;

"Would you try to kill Apollo if he constantly recited
haiku's? You're my favourite god!" From Sweetheart2014

Yes, yes I would. And thank you, Sweetheart2014, for proving that I do in fact have some fans among mortals.

One

More than one; I know plenty of pro-Hades humans.

But yes, I would try to kill Apollo if I had to put up with his haikus all day.

Hey!

Let's face it, Apollo; lovely and good-looking as you are, your Haiku's are getting a bit repetitive.

…

Aww… he's sulking, bless him!

Anyway… let's change the subject.

"How many of the gods are afraid of you? Has anyone told
you that you're insane?" For me, from Sweetheart2014.

I think it'd be better to ask Ares this question; Ares? How many of the gods are scared of me?

…

Come on, Ares, tell the curious young mortal.

Everyone…

Not surprisingly; she has been known to give Morpheus nightmares.

And he's the god of dreams. Fairly hot too.

Voldy! You're married to me!

And my son!

And a son of Hermes

Polygamy is legal in the RRA. And I never said I'd marry him, because then I'd lose the bet with Eros.

Only that reason?

That and the fact that his weird making people sleep skills are really annoying; I'm trying to have a decent conversation with someone and suddenly they're out for the count.

I have to say that is really irritating.

He's working on it though.

Bless him.

Hang on…

…

Apollo.

Yes?

What the hell is this?

It's Justin Bieber.

No. his name is Justina until his voice breaks. It's Justina Bieber. Why have you got Justina Bieber on your iPod?

I don't… CONNOR! TRAVIS!

Why are you laughing, Voldy?

As worrying as it is, that was very funny.

Okay, Apollo, the slip-up is rectified by the Deep Blue something song.

Deep blue something?

It's the name of the band.

The song is breakfast at tiffany's.

Never thought you'd like old-school music, Voldy.

I like a lot of old stuff; guns and roses, for one.

I knew you were awesome.

Thank you. You're epic in your own awesomeness, Apollo.

And in answer to your second question – Yes they have. I take it as a compliment.

Why?

I believe the saying is "there's a fine line between insanity and genius"

And all geniuses were thought to be insane before they were called geniuses.

Van Gogh is still annoyed by that.

He would be. Ares is being pretty quiet…

Voldy, I wouldn't –

AAAAAAAAAHHH! MY EYES! I'M BLINDED!

I warned you.

You shouldn't have been looking!

For the love of all things innocent in this world, Ares! LOCK THE BLOODY DOOR!

Voldy, give me the disinfectant.

NO! I must burn the image from my head!

Then wouldn't fire be more appropriate?

Well done, Hades; you've just told her to kill herself in a different way.

Voldy – Voldy –

Let go!

Voldy, for Primus' sake go to Hecate and get her to magic it from your head! Or go to the river Lethe!

Will do!

Beautiful job, Apollo. She'll forget everything.

No she won't; she's done this before.

When?

When she walked in on Aphrodite and her human pet. She turned the human into a mouse and kicked Aphrodite to the sun before going to wash the memory out.

Where were they?

On Voldy's alter. With pot plants.

That's why she was washing the memory away.

Anyway, I think we should read the next question.

Yes we should.

You got back okay then?

Yeah… can't remember why the hell I was by the river Lethe in the first place…

Ahem. Anyway; next question, again for Hades – you seem to be very popular uncle.

I can't help it that people like me

Big head.

Read the question before this turns into a war that results in drunken corpses, please Athena.

The question is from Alexa 159. Haven't heard from her in a while…

"Hades-I'M A HUGE FAN! :) If you had a chance to rule Olympus for the rest of
your immortal life from the underworld will you take it? Oh and tell Zeus I'm
part of the "Zeus is and Idiot Club" and that I'm part of the "Hades Fan
Club". That should darken his day."

PUNY MORTAL! I SHALL SMITE YOU!

No you won't because I'll smite your ass first!

Burn. Literally.

Thank you.

I don't know… I've gotten used to running the underworld.

Maybe we should have a "switch places for a year" session to see how it'd work.

We'd still have the same powers, Voldy.

True.

Anyhow, that was a boring result. Next question.

"Hades- Have you ever seen what you look like when the artist zelda994612 draws you on deviant art? You totally look hot!" From my good friend Kanae Valentine.

I have to say I agree, Hades, you do look very smexy.

That isn't a word.

It is now; Voldy invented it.

Actually no I didn't; it's a word that has been in circulation for a long time and is hereby classified as a word.

How can it possibly be a word? It's not in the dictionary!

It's in the Fan fiction Terms dictionary, and the text speak dictionary.

… it's still not a word.

It still is; a lot of the modern-day spirits are using it in the underworld.

Probably because it doesn't get censored

Anyhoo; question for Hades time!

Athena's laughing? Why?

You'll know when she reads it.

"If you stole Persephone when she was, like, twelve, and you married her,
doesn't that make you a cradle-robber? And isn't your relationship incestuous?
And aren't Persephone's parents incestuous?" from LunaPadma

I agree with Voldy; you're a genius!

What? She wasn't in a cradle when she was twelve!

Ha-ha, look at teenage Hades spluttering. This is hilarious!

And like Voldy said earlier; incest thing is moot; Zeus raped his sister

As a goose, might I add – what is wrong with you people?

…

and who's Persephone's dad anyway?

Zeus

I always thought it was you

N'aww, he still liked his wife back then.

… Not funny Voldy

Yes it is

And true… you did still like your wife back then

And Apollo wasn't the sun god either. Which reminds me; I've got to find Helios and kick his backside into the land of the living to take up his duties again.

That's a little impossible, Voldy, he faded.

I have a TARDIS. I can do whatever I like. And impossible is my favourite word! I love proving people wrong.

Me, for example.

Yes the "girls are just machines for making babies" argument was disproved spectacularly by the combined RRA-Athena alliance of fist-in-face awesomeness.

Which took out half of Olympus, if I remember rightly.

Yes it did, and then we tactfully disappeared to annoy the Sheriff so we could avoid the work.

Anyways… I'm determined to have all the Hades questions in this one.

Found one!

"What does Hades do to children of Zeus and Poseidon once they die?" from Hera's Little Girl

It depends on how much they annoy me.

Seriously, Hades, I'd love to know the real answer to this question.

Really it depends on whether they achiever Elysium or not. They usually do but there have been a couple who went to the fields of punishment.

You've sent your own sons there before.

Yes, Adolf was a supreme example of heroes gone mad.

And Churchill was the son of Zeus, I believe?

Yes he was.

Anyway – I hate that history topic 'cause nothing happens (Sorry Clio!) so we're moving on to the next question!

OOH! I'll read this one!

"Hades: have you seen Michael Jackson?" from Misscullenmason

Yes I have. He is currently employed as one of those hired people for parties singing his music.

That's boring.

No it's not; EVERYONE gets sick of his songs eventually, even him!

You like some of his songs, Voldy.

Yes, Thriller has to be my favourite. And I am also fascinated by his ability to moonwalk – apparently it's good for your health.

To be obsessed?

No, to moonwalk.

What genius came up with that?

Some NHS place.

I have to say that is an awesome idea.

Note to self: when I do eventually die, I am going to hunt down Michael Jackson and ask him how to moonwalk. Even if I'm an old lady.

Now that's a good plan.

Of course it is, I'm full of good plans today.

You're full of good plans every day

Thank you.

No problem

AAAH! What was that?

That was the conch horn signifying that we're about to be attacked

By GRUES? OH NOES!

No, by Titans

Aw well that's boring.

Which, I suppose, means that we have to say goodbye to the mortals?

Yes, obviously.

ARES STOP DOING PON FARR WITH APHRODITE IN THE CUPBOARD AND HELP US FIGHT THE TITANS!

Right. We'll let you know how it went when we come back. Next visitor is… umm… Poseidon, where did I put my list?

Back pocket

Aha! Thanks! So the next visitor is… OOH! Another double! It's Percabeth! So all you Percabeth shippers out there – GET ASKING! And that's because Athena's got a boffin's meeting in Athens with her boffin minions. WE'LL BE BACK!