A/N: Okay, I think you've all realized by now that I'm super bad at promptness with updating, and for that, I sincerely apologize, but I just have a lot going on (as I always do) and not as much time for writing as I'd like :( But I promise that I'll never abandon a story! EVER! So you can always count on that.

Also, it has been brought to my attention by reviewers OpheliaBlack and .vanilla that in the first chapter, Bellatrix couldn't have taught Draco when he was five because she was in Azkaban. This is true, but taking into consideration the fact that my greatest weakness with the HP world is keeping track of dates and years and etc., we're going to pretend that she momentarily escaped prison in order to teach Draco how to set grasshoppers on fire but then was sent back to Azkaban, and J.K. Rowling's memory was altered so she has absolutely no recollection of this interlude in Bella's life. Problem solved. Sorry to anyone who doesn't believe that, but maybe your memory was altered too; you never know... Anyway, on with the story!

Disclaimer: I think we all understand by now that this isn't mine. Wish it was, but it's not.

Draco picked up his Transfiguration textbook and slowly flipped through the pages, trying to find a spell he could use on his bottle of hair gel. Animating cacti, changing desks into goats…No, no, no, he thought. These spells were completely useless.

Bellatrix made a snort of impatience and flicked her wand at the book. It flew into her hands, pages rapidly flipping until it fell open on a spell near the back of the book. She smirked at Draco, who narrowed his eyes apprehensively. He had a bad feeling about the situation.

"Drakie, I am going to teach you a spell that will aid you in your education in the Dark Arts," Bellatrix said abruptly. "Shall we begin?"

Draco didn't hear her. He couldn't get over the fact that she had called him "Drakie."

"Alright, let's begin!" She ignored Draco's glazed expression and whipped out her wand like a knife slashing through the air. Her wand pointed directly at the jar of hair gel, Bellatrix shrieked, "Protare locomotor!" The spell hit Lockhart square in the face. To Draco's utmost horror, the smiling blond figure glowed and grew, his body forming beneath him and out of the jar label, until he was able to step off of the jar and into the room before them.

"Hello!" Lockhart beamed jovially, his chest puffed out and his eyebrow raised in what he seemed to think was a dashing manner but what Draco perceived as a severe case of constipation. Lockhart looked around the room expectantly, recoiling slightly from Draco's piercing glare, eyes falling instead upon Bellatrix, whose face held a combination of maliciousness, lunacy, and…something else. As Draco watched the two of them, he could see a flicker of expression completely different from his aunt's usual countenance but couldn't discern what exactly it was. Determined to figure it out, he stepped back into the shadow of his bookshelf to observe.

"Ah, Gilderoy, is it?" Bellatrix purred, "And you are...a hair model?" She sauntered up to the grinning man now bouncing on his toes and placed one hand on his head, stroking it, as she set her chin on his shoulder in the way that she always did when she wanted to persuade/creep out others. "Hm, I think we can have some fun with you."

Observing his aunt leaning on his old teacher, Draco noticed that Lockhart was not, indeed, a real person but some sort of apparition, solid enough to touch but slightly more transparent than a normal human would be. This transparency, however, didn't seem to bother his aunt the least bit as she began to slowly circle Lockhart, her eyes fixed upon his face.

"Now. Gilderoy," murmured Bellatrix seductively, "Tell me—"

Hold on, there! Seductively? Draco froze, shocked. Did his ears deceive him? Had the detached narration of his life accidentally made the wrong choice of words? Mind reeling from the revelation of his aunt's more promiscuous side, Draco's senses came back in time for him to see Lockhart make some attempt at a witty reply, accompanied by an exaggerated wink, to which Bellatrix responded with a giggle.

Giggling! Draco didn't know what to think anymore. His aunt, his infamous Mudblood-torturing and Muggle-killing Death Eater of an aunt, was giggling like a first-year schoolgirl! "This is just too bizarre," Draco thought. "I thought she was going to torture him, or at least experiment on him. But not flirt with him. Hm, I wonder what the Dark Lord would say if he knew…"

ooooooooOOOOOOOOoooooooo

Beeeeelllatrixxxx….

Yes, my Lord?

Get up. Come clossssser.

Yes, of course, my Lord.

I have heard rumorsssss….

R-r-rumors? Of what, my Lord?

Rumorsssss of your recccccent activitiesssssss.

My Lord, I only live to serve you. Everything I do is in your name, for you, only for you.

Ah, sssso your dealingsssss with other men have been…for me?

M-my dealings…with other men? My Lord, I can assure you—

Do not lie to me, Bella. I know what you have been up to in that manor. Now, tell me, if you are truly devoted only to me, then what issssss the purpossse of thesssse endeavorsssss of yourssss?

My Lord...I must confess the truth; I am seeing another man.

I know thisssss.

But My Lord, it is only because I am lonely without you and I cannot stand being just a toy! And because Gilderoy is quite handsome, but besides that…

Get to the point, Bella.

Yes, My Lord. I wanted to make you jealous because—

Isss that all?

I LOVE YOU!

AVADA KADAVRA!

oooooooOOOOOOOooooooooo

Okay, so maybe it wouldn't happen exactly like that. Draco wondered if maybe he'd heard one too many soap operas on the wireless (which, he told himself, was not of his own volition; his mother was the one who turned on the radio every morning….he was just too lazy to ever change the station...and he had to know when Anthony and Tracey would finally break up because they simply did not belong together. He was a halfblood Ravenclaw, and she was a pureblood Slytherin, and Draco knew from experience that those types of relationships never ended well. Come to think of it, none of his past relationships ended very well at all…)

Draco was shaken from his musings on his trials in the department of love by the sight of his aunt's attempts to succeed in it. Bellatrix's leg was now wrapped around Lockhart's as she intensely stared up at him from underneath her eyelids. Lockhart seemed a bit bewildered and taken aback but not all too displeased.

"Well. Um, Madam. I presume that you'd like me to tell you about the, ehm, the secret magical powers that my hair gel possesses. I mean, ehem, that is…er, well, that is to say…"

It seemed that the normally one-dimensional, charmingly vague, dashingly empty personality of Draco's old Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher had been overcome by his aunt's own bizarre appearance and her unconventional methods of seduction. Bellatrix had begun to circle Lockhart again, her body undulating around him like a possessed gypsy dancing around the campfire, the entire time trailing her fingers along his shoulders and then across his back, slipping them inside his robes and down his chest, further and further until…

SLAM!

Draco was gone.

Bellatrix glared at the closed door, shrugged, and continued her mating ritual.

Thanks to Gamma Orionis, draketodeath, Ophelia Black, TheEvanescentOne, and Riaquean for the lovely reviews! And as always, a huge thank you to the brilliant The Obessionist for keeping me writing and for being my Bellatrix!