AN: Marik in this fic is the Hikari! This fic is a collaboration between me and my best friend, Jessie (Pomegranate Liqueur on this site.) We wrote it together, and it's very offensive to the fandom, and it's also in script format; I started converting it to "regular" format and it really messed up the fic and caused it not to be as funny. So yeah, if you hate script format, or being offended, this is your warning.

Bakura: Marik, I'm sick of you bossing me around all the time!

Marik: What are you talking about? Everyone in this fandom knows you're the dominant one in this relationship.

Bakura: What? You order me around all the time, and I just take it! You told me that I had to stab myself in the damn arm just to get you to trust me, and I did it! Then you changed our whole deal and told me I had to get a bunch of stupid locator cards, and I agreed to that, too! Then, when you asked me to, I risked losing my body just to try to save your ass and defeat your dark side!

Marik: Wow, you're right! You're basically my bitch!

Bakura: HEY!

Marik: So, in that case, how come you're always dominating everything and topping me and being in control of our relationship in fanfiction?

Bakura: I have a better question. How come I'm always beating and raping and murdering you in fanfiction?

Marik: Oh, come on, Bakura, everyone in the fandom knows you don't give a damn about anyone besides yourself!

Bakura: That's not true! I could have won that duel with Yami, but I threw the match in order to keep Ryou from getting hurt! I stood in front of Ryou and took the hit for him in order to protect him!

Marik: Well, maybe you only did that because you're using Ryou for his body, and you didn't want to lose your body.

Bakura: Then why the hell did I agree to risk losing my body just to try to save your life and defeat your dark side?

Marik: Well, maybe you didn't care about losing your body because you knew you wouldn't die since you had a piece of your soul sealed inside the Puzzle.

Bakura: Um...then why would I care about protecting Ryou, if I didn't care about losing my body?

Marik: Damn! You're right! That makes no sense! I guess you must care about me and Ryou, or you wouldn't have protected us!

Bakura: So, basically, people think that I was willing to lose my body just to try to save you...only to later rape and murder you? That sure doesn't sound like a very well-thought-out plan! Fuck! I thought I was smarter than that!

Marik: Yeah, remember the day we first met? I even told you that you were smart!

Bakura: No, dude, that only happened in the Japanese version! They cut it out of the dub. The fans don't know that you said that.

Marik: Damn dub version! Remember that duel when I was inside your head trying to give you advice, and I said I admired you, and you said that I was clever...and the dub changed it to me bitching at you and you telling me to go away?

Bakura: Screw 4Kids! They fucked up Pokemon, too! They added in all those fake AAML hints! That makes me mad because Ash/Gary is my OTP!

Marik: Author insert! Author insert! You're being a total Mary Sue right now!

Bakura: And you're just NOW noticing this, idiot?

Marik: Now THAT was in character!

Bakura: Yeah, I insult you, but I don't beat and rape you!

Marik: I insult you just as much as you insult me, but the fandom always forgets about that, too! Of course, we're always saying that we're friends and partners and giving each other compliments right in between the insults...

Ryou: Did you two forget about me? And what Bakura continuously does to me in fanfiction?

Bakura: Yeah, I seem to always be beating you and raping you in fanfiction, too! That also makes no sense! In the actual series, I'm always trying to give you what you want, even when there's no benefit to me! Like remember that time your gym teacher grabbed you and was threatening you to cut off your hair?

Ryou: Well, that only happened in the manga. You can't expect people to know about that.

Bakura: But still, it did happen. He grabbed you by the hair and was being a complete douchebag and he said he would only treat you like a student if you abided by the haircut rules- apparently forgetting that YUGI went to that school and all. I knew that you didn't want your hair cut off, so I sealed his soul in a figurine. I'm not entirely sure why I would do that if I didn't care about you and only wanted to beat and rape you and use your body.

Ryou: Yes, and also, if you always beat me and raped me and I hated you and hated having you with me, I don't entirely understand why I would be so happy to find the Ring again. I took you and the Ring back willingly.

Bakura: Again, that only happened in the manga. As you said, people aren't going to know about that.

Marik: The fans know fuck all about this series! I don't think they even know about the dub version! Every time I see one of those fanfics where you're raping and beating me or Ryou, I just want to ask the author, "Have you SEEN the Battle City Arc? Like, at all?" I mean, come ON, people!

Ryou: I'll answer your question. Apparently, they have not seen it.

Marik: Anyways, let's talk about Bronzeshipping. What the FUCK is with that?

Bakura: Ra, I know! Your dark side isn't even really your Yami; he's just your alternate personality! It's not as if he has a separate soul, the way me and Ryou have separate souls, or the way Yugi and Yami have separate souls! It's like shipping you with your own self! How the hell does that make any sense?

Ryou: Since when does this fandom do anything that makes any kind of sense?

Marik: Plus, I fucking hated Yami Marik, and he hated me! Our entire interaction consisted of attempting to destroy each other! How the hell is that a relationship?

Bakura: Well, what about Psychoshipping? I hated Yami Marik too! I risked my freaking body just to try to destroy the bastard, and then they ship me with him? What the FUCK!

Marik: He has no goals aside from sadistically torturing and murdering people for pleasure...how can you ship him with anyone?

Bakura: Again, that was only made clear in the Japanese version.

Marik: Damn! It's still true, though. And even in the dub, he's nothing but pure evil and hatred by definition! So how can he have a relationship with anyone?

Ryou: Maybe you could ship him with Zorc.

Marik: Awesome idea! Yami Marik x Zorc = OTP! Now that makes some damn sense!

Bakura: That's another fucking thing! Why do people assume I'm purely Zorc?

Ryou: Um. I believe the anime didn't make it entirely clear that you aren't.

Bakura: Well, in that case, why did I have memories of my past life? It's not like it was Zorc who had some village that was destroyed! And why was my past self in the series at all? Just for something to look at? That works for the fangirls, but not the plot line as a whole!

Ryou: Yes, it clearly shows your past self being sealed into the Ring...I really have no idea why people would assume that you're entirely Zorc...especially since you've been so kind to me and Marik in some instances.

Bakura: Shut the hell up! I'm not kind! I'm the embodiment of evil! I AM the darkness.

Marik and Ryou: Of course you are, dear.

Bakura: Goddamn you two and your logic! Luckily for me, "logic" is a word this fandom does not understand.

Marik: Truer words were never spoken.

Ryou: Marik and I know you're a jerk, Bakura, but we also know you'd never seriously harm either of us.

Marik: Yeah, anyone who isn't a total idiot would be able to figure that out with even a cursory examination of the series!

Bakura: Well, clearly, this fandom is made up almost entirely of total idiots.

Marik: Again, truth.

Ryou: You know, if we sit here and try to list every single thing that's wrong with this fandom, we'll be here for the rest of our lives!

Bakura: You're right. We should just forget about this and have a threesome!

Marik: I agree!

Ryou: Good idea!

Epilogue: Marik, Bakura and Ryou had a threesome, and it was hot. Then they lived HAPPILY EVER AFTER and they all loved each other forever. Hell yeah, "they lived happily ever after" should be the ending of every Thiefshipping, Tendershipping or Tornshipping fic.