More insane BoM humor! Yay!
Toad and Speedy's Trip To The Grocery Store
By Kelly
[email protected]
"As you can see," stated Lance, highlighting a place on the graph with his laser pointer, "Our evil quotient has been reduced significantly since Tabby moved in. Any thoughts?"
"Well, it's obvious isn't it?" replied Todd, chewing the back of his pen thoughtfully and adjusting the tie he wore over his t-shirt. They had a meeting every week and decorum had to be preserved. "The way I see it, sexual tension breeds violence."
"Exactly," agreed Pietro, "When we lived with Mystique and Rogue, our well of F-able females was dry. Now that we have Tabby and we're getting some . . ."
Lance and Fred stared at them in open-mouthed shock. Todd laughed nervously, "Where is Tabby anyway?"
"Oh TooOOOoodd, Pieeettrooo . . . could you give me a hand?" came a call from upstairs.
They jumped up. "Uh . . . I just remembered something," lied Pietro, eyeing the door, "Todd and I have to go . . . um . . ."
" . . . toilet paper the X-Geeks mansion, yeah . . ."
Fred and Lance stood in front of the exit to the kitchen. "If you two go up there to be Ms. Promiscuous' sexual minion, we're personally disowning you from this group."
"Guuuuuuuuyyyyyssss . . ." beckoned Tabby seductively.
"Darn you foul temptress," cursed Pietro.
Todd, however, prided himself on being a quick thinker, "Guys, I'm sorry to have to do this," he said softly, then yelled suddenly, pointing at Lance accusingly, "Fred, it was Lance who ate your cupcake yesterday!"
"It's true!" agreed Pietro, "We tried to stop him but he's a baked goods menace!"
Lance's eyes went wide as Fred advanced on him, "I didn't know Freddy, I swear. Please . . . NO! NO! Not the squirty tap hose thing! Anything but the squirty tap hose thing AGH!!!"
Pietro and Todd rushed up the stairs to Tabitha's room, away from the carnage. She lay sensuously across the bed, patting a spot next to her, "I need you guys to do me . . ."
Todd choked.
" . . . a big favor."
"Uh sure," smiled Pietro, sitting down, "anything for you Tab."
"Great," she purred. Pietro gulped. "I need you guys to do the grocery shopping for me this week."
"What? That's it?" exclaimed Todd, looking crestfallen.
"Yep, and I'll let you help me later with that other thing if you do it," she bit her lower lip playfully.
"Deal," rushed out Pietro, finding it hard to hide his excitement. "Let's go Toady my boy."
"Aye Aye Speedy."
Tabitha called after the boys as they ran out her door, "The money and list is on top of the fridge, just buy what it says!" She had a feeling she was going to regret this.
*~*~*
"Okay," read Todd, "all we need is . . . um . . . milk, beans, microwave dinners, chicken, mac and cheese, corn flakes, T.P., and something called . . . this can't be right . . ."
"What?" questioned Pietro, grabbing the list. His eyes went wide. "My God, that's so dirty . . . What the heck is CUMIN?"
Todd shook his head, "All this time Tabby's been using our grocery money to help advance her sick sexual fantasies. No wonder you're so thin."
"We're all wasting away. Fred actually fit through the door yesterday . . ."
"The humanity . . ."
"Can I get you fellows a cart?" asked a perky buggy girl dressed in a orange apron.
"Can it cheese doodle," snapped Pietro, "we're in the middle of a crisis here. We'll get a cart when we're good and ready."
She smiled brightly, "Alrighty."
"Freak," muttered Pietro under his breath, "Okay, so you get the milk, beans, and microwave dinners. I'll get the chicken, mac and cheese, corn flakes, and toilet paper, then we'll meet at the front and pay." Pietro grabbed a buggy.
"Hey," protested Todd, "I wanted the cart."
"But I've got more things."
"But mine are heavier."
"Are not!"
"Are too!"
"Are not!"
"Are too!"
"Are not!"
"Are too!"
"Are too!"
"Are not!"
"Ha," exclaimed Pietro victoriously, "you just admitted you were wrong. I get the cart!"
"Damn!"
Todd slumped off to the refrigerated section where he found the milk and dinners quite easily. All he had left were the beans. As he made his way to the canned goods aisle, Ms. Perky Orange Apron herself stopped him. "Do you need any help?"
"No, I've got it, thanks." Geez, it doesn't take a freaking rocket scientist to pick out a can of beans, lady. As Todd entered the fortress of canned legumes he realized he may have underestimated the intelligence needed to perform this task. There were green beans, yellow beans, brown beans, pork 'n beans, refried beans, kidney beans, french cut beans, julienne beans, not to mention chick peas, white beans, black beans, and a mysterious mixture that was called nothing but three-bean medley. He had stood there for a good five minutes when Pietro came zipping down the row, singing at the top of his lungs.
"Beans beans the musical fruit,
the more ya eat, the more ya toot,
The more ya toot, the better ya feel
So eat your beans at every meal . . .
Oooooh, beans beans, they're good for your heart,
the more ya eat, the more ya fart,
The more ya fart, the better ya feel
So eat your beans at every meal . . ."
"Pietro, what did you eat?"
"Areallyniceladywasgivingoutfreepixiestixsamples, Ihadtwelve," he replied, bouncing as he talked. "AndguesswhoIsawtoaddyguesswhoIsaw."
"Uh . . . who?"
"RistyandRogue, Ichallengedthemtoacartrace, comeoncomeongrabsomemusicalfruitandletsgo!"
"A . . . race?"
Pietro shoved Todd into the cart and zoomed up and down the grocery store aisles, calling out. "ROGUEY!!! OH ROGUEY!!" She stood in produce, an amused look on her face. "Youreadytorumble?"
"You're on, speedy."
"Onyourmark . . .getset . . ."
"Hey! There's the guy who knocked over the cracker display!"
"He's the same one that ate all the free samples!"
Pietro looked back at the growing crowd of grocery store workers running towards him, "Sorry Roguey, Risty. Gottajet!"
Todd clung to the cart for dear life. He heard snippets of conversations as he zipped by at Pietro's mercy, screaming at the top of his lungs, "That maniac's taken a hostage . . . That poor boy . . . I wonder if this coupon will still work . . ."
Meanwhile, back at the Brotherhood abode, Tabby, Fred and Lance (who was leaving a wet puddle on the couch) were sitting in the living room, watching the TV. "We interrupt this regularly scheduled program to bring you Chaos at Cartway, where an insane teen hopped up on pixie sticks has taken a local shopper hostage in his grocery cart of doom . . ."
Tabitha groaned. "Please don't be Pietro and Todd, please don't be Pietro and Todd, please don't be Pietro and Todd . . ."
" . . . we bring you this exclusive footage." A familiar white haired boy dashed across the screen, with a screaming Todd sitting in the cart's basket. Tabitha rubbed her temples.
"So," said Lance, "we gonna go get them out of this?"
"We could," said Tabitha, recovering form her shock. She ran her tongue over her lower lip, "Or you guys could just help me . . ."
Lance and Fred stood in the Gap line, swamped with bags and packages. Fred looked at Lance disdainfully, "How does she manage to get us to do these things?"
The End
Toad and Speedy's Trip To The Grocery Store
By Kelly
[email protected]
"As you can see," stated Lance, highlighting a place on the graph with his laser pointer, "Our evil quotient has been reduced significantly since Tabby moved in. Any thoughts?"
"Well, it's obvious isn't it?" replied Todd, chewing the back of his pen thoughtfully and adjusting the tie he wore over his t-shirt. They had a meeting every week and decorum had to be preserved. "The way I see it, sexual tension breeds violence."
"Exactly," agreed Pietro, "When we lived with Mystique and Rogue, our well of F-able females was dry. Now that we have Tabby and we're getting some . . ."
Lance and Fred stared at them in open-mouthed shock. Todd laughed nervously, "Where is Tabby anyway?"
"Oh TooOOOoodd, Pieeettrooo . . . could you give me a hand?" came a call from upstairs.
They jumped up. "Uh . . . I just remembered something," lied Pietro, eyeing the door, "Todd and I have to go . . . um . . ."
" . . . toilet paper the X-Geeks mansion, yeah . . ."
Fred and Lance stood in front of the exit to the kitchen. "If you two go up there to be Ms. Promiscuous' sexual minion, we're personally disowning you from this group."
"Guuuuuuuuyyyyyssss . . ." beckoned Tabby seductively.
"Darn you foul temptress," cursed Pietro.
Todd, however, prided himself on being a quick thinker, "Guys, I'm sorry to have to do this," he said softly, then yelled suddenly, pointing at Lance accusingly, "Fred, it was Lance who ate your cupcake yesterday!"
"It's true!" agreed Pietro, "We tried to stop him but he's a baked goods menace!"
Lance's eyes went wide as Fred advanced on him, "I didn't know Freddy, I swear. Please . . . NO! NO! Not the squirty tap hose thing! Anything but the squirty tap hose thing AGH!!!"
Pietro and Todd rushed up the stairs to Tabitha's room, away from the carnage. She lay sensuously across the bed, patting a spot next to her, "I need you guys to do me . . ."
Todd choked.
" . . . a big favor."
"Uh sure," smiled Pietro, sitting down, "anything for you Tab."
"Great," she purred. Pietro gulped. "I need you guys to do the grocery shopping for me this week."
"What? That's it?" exclaimed Todd, looking crestfallen.
"Yep, and I'll let you help me later with that other thing if you do it," she bit her lower lip playfully.
"Deal," rushed out Pietro, finding it hard to hide his excitement. "Let's go Toady my boy."
"Aye Aye Speedy."
Tabitha called after the boys as they ran out her door, "The money and list is on top of the fridge, just buy what it says!" She had a feeling she was going to regret this.
*~*~*
"Okay," read Todd, "all we need is . . . um . . . milk, beans, microwave dinners, chicken, mac and cheese, corn flakes, T.P., and something called . . . this can't be right . . ."
"What?" questioned Pietro, grabbing the list. His eyes went wide. "My God, that's so dirty . . . What the heck is CUMIN?"
Todd shook his head, "All this time Tabby's been using our grocery money to help advance her sick sexual fantasies. No wonder you're so thin."
"We're all wasting away. Fred actually fit through the door yesterday . . ."
"The humanity . . ."
"Can I get you fellows a cart?" asked a perky buggy girl dressed in a orange apron.
"Can it cheese doodle," snapped Pietro, "we're in the middle of a crisis here. We'll get a cart when we're good and ready."
She smiled brightly, "Alrighty."
"Freak," muttered Pietro under his breath, "Okay, so you get the milk, beans, and microwave dinners. I'll get the chicken, mac and cheese, corn flakes, and toilet paper, then we'll meet at the front and pay." Pietro grabbed a buggy.
"Hey," protested Todd, "I wanted the cart."
"But I've got more things."
"But mine are heavier."
"Are not!"
"Are too!"
"Are not!"
"Are too!"
"Are not!"
"Are too!"
"Are too!"
"Are not!"
"Ha," exclaimed Pietro victoriously, "you just admitted you were wrong. I get the cart!"
"Damn!"
Todd slumped off to the refrigerated section where he found the milk and dinners quite easily. All he had left were the beans. As he made his way to the canned goods aisle, Ms. Perky Orange Apron herself stopped him. "Do you need any help?"
"No, I've got it, thanks." Geez, it doesn't take a freaking rocket scientist to pick out a can of beans, lady. As Todd entered the fortress of canned legumes he realized he may have underestimated the intelligence needed to perform this task. There were green beans, yellow beans, brown beans, pork 'n beans, refried beans, kidney beans, french cut beans, julienne beans, not to mention chick peas, white beans, black beans, and a mysterious mixture that was called nothing but three-bean medley. He had stood there for a good five minutes when Pietro came zipping down the row, singing at the top of his lungs.
"Beans beans the musical fruit,
the more ya eat, the more ya toot,
The more ya toot, the better ya feel
So eat your beans at every meal . . .
Oooooh, beans beans, they're good for your heart,
the more ya eat, the more ya fart,
The more ya fart, the better ya feel
So eat your beans at every meal . . ."
"Pietro, what did you eat?"
"Areallyniceladywasgivingoutfreepixiestixsamples, Ihadtwelve," he replied, bouncing as he talked. "AndguesswhoIsawtoaddyguesswhoIsaw."
"Uh . . . who?"
"RistyandRogue, Ichallengedthemtoacartrace, comeoncomeongrabsomemusicalfruitandletsgo!"
"A . . . race?"
Pietro shoved Todd into the cart and zoomed up and down the grocery store aisles, calling out. "ROGUEY!!! OH ROGUEY!!" She stood in produce, an amused look on her face. "Youreadytorumble?"
"You're on, speedy."
"Onyourmark . . .getset . . ."
"Hey! There's the guy who knocked over the cracker display!"
"He's the same one that ate all the free samples!"
Pietro looked back at the growing crowd of grocery store workers running towards him, "Sorry Roguey, Risty. Gottajet!"
Todd clung to the cart for dear life. He heard snippets of conversations as he zipped by at Pietro's mercy, screaming at the top of his lungs, "That maniac's taken a hostage . . . That poor boy . . . I wonder if this coupon will still work . . ."
Meanwhile, back at the Brotherhood abode, Tabby, Fred and Lance (who was leaving a wet puddle on the couch) were sitting in the living room, watching the TV. "We interrupt this regularly scheduled program to bring you Chaos at Cartway, where an insane teen hopped up on pixie sticks has taken a local shopper hostage in his grocery cart of doom . . ."
Tabitha groaned. "Please don't be Pietro and Todd, please don't be Pietro and Todd, please don't be Pietro and Todd . . ."
" . . . we bring you this exclusive footage." A familiar white haired boy dashed across the screen, with a screaming Todd sitting in the cart's basket. Tabitha rubbed her temples.
"So," said Lance, "we gonna go get them out of this?"
"We could," said Tabitha, recovering form her shock. She ran her tongue over her lower lip, "Or you guys could just help me . . ."
Lance and Fred stood in the Gap line, swamped with bags and packages. Fred looked at Lance disdainfully, "How does she manage to get us to do these things?"
The End