Standard disclaimer: Bioware owns all, I just borrowed things for a bit of fun.

CHAPTER 1

Katharine Shepard strode back onto the deck of the Normandy, glancing backwards once to make sure that the other members of the Horizon ground crew were still behind her. Tucking a stray strand of her dark hair back behind her left ear as she walked, she made her way directly to the cockpit, with Garrus and Jack still trailing after her.

Joker spun around in his pilot's chair to greet them with an easygoing grin as they entered the space he considered to be his domain on the ship. "Hey there commander, nice going, you kicked some serious -" His voice broke off, eyes widening slightly as he took in the dark expression on his commanding officer's face.

"Get us out of here Joker. Now," she said tightly.

"Sure thing commander," he replied easily, wiping the quizzical look off his face when he saw Garrus, standing behind Shepard, shake his head imperceptibly. "Where to this time?"

"Back to the Citadel. Earth. Ilium. I don't care, Joker, just anywhere but here; I can't be here anymore." Her voice caught a little on her last words, but her eyes remained calm as she looked at him.

"You got it. I'll plot a course for the Citadel; if nothing else you can say hi to Captain Anderson."

The corners of Shepard's mouth turned upwards slightly in a small smile. "That's Councilor Anderson, now. Thanks Joker." And with that, she turned around and left the cockpit.

Joker watched her retreating back for a few seconds before looking back up at Garrus and Jack. "Someone want to tell me what that was all about? I mean, I don't really have a good reason to stick around this place, but we don't usually leave so… abruptly. Not unless something is about to blow up the ship, that is."

"We ran into Lieutenant Alenko while we were down there," said Garrus, looking at Joker shrewdly.

"Lieuten – Kaidan? He survived the attack? How is he? You actually got a chance to talk to…" His voice trailed off as he recalled Shepard's morose expression. "Oh. Shit. Yeah, I get it."

It took all her willpower to reach the elevator without losing her tenuous grip on self-control. Shepard nodded briefly to her crewmembers as she passed by them, not really listening to their greetings, and unsteadily released the breath she hadn't realized she was holding when the elevator doors finally shut. The elevator rose to the top of the ship, where she stepped into her personal quarters. She breathed a sigh of relief as the doors swept shut behind her, finally leaving her alone.

Shepard slid into the chair at her desk, her green eyes locked on the prominently displayed holo of Kaidan that she kept there. She bit her lip as she thought about the bittersweet reunion that had just taken place on Horizon. Her heart had leapt when Kaidan had appeared as she was talking to Delan; just hearing his voice again had been enough to make her catch her breath. Not a day had gone by since she had awoken at the Lazarus facility without her thinking about him. Wondering how he was, what he was doing… whether he had moved on from her.

She had nearly lost her composure when she stepped into Kaidan's embrace, feeling his strong arms come around her back to hold her close to him once again. It felt so familiar, so right, to be back in his arms, drawing comfort from his closeness. She hadn't wanted it to end. All too soon, however, they drew apart from one another, and it all went downhill from there.

His words had stung, and she knew they would haunt her. "I thought we had something Shepard. Something real. I… I loved you." Did he really question what they had been, what they had together? Her heart had soared at hearing those last words, then plummeted when it sank in that he had spoken in the past tense.

"Thinking you were dead tore me apart. How could you put me through that? Why didn't you try to contact me? Why didn't you let me know you were alive?" The pain in his voice had been palpable, and she had nearly flinched at his accusing words. She had had to summon all her willpower to remain poised. She had wanted to fall back into his arms and explain everything, let him know that she still loved him, tell him about all the half-written messages to him in the drafts folder of her private terminal.

The words that came out of her mouth had been entirely different. "So much time has passed. You've moved on. I don't want to reopen old wounds." Even now it rang hollow in ears, sounding short and disjointed, but Kaidan had taken it at face value, and his next words had pierced her to the core.

"I did move on. At least, I thought I did." Shepard lowered her head into her hands as the words echoed through her mind again. Well, at least now she knew for certain how he felt. She had wondered whether he still had feelings for her, and there was the answer.

Right, Kate. Keep telling yourself that, she thought to herself. Face it. What you wanted to hear wasn't whether he had moved on. You wanted to hear that he hadn't moved on. That he still cares for you.

She bit her lip as she recalled the rest of their conversation. He had grown angry as they talked about her involvement with Cerberus, accusing her of betraying the Alliance. Of betraying him. Of changing, and turning her back on what she had believed in. The look in his eyes as he spoke had been chilling; gone was the tenderness that she remembered, and in its place was a detached hardness that crushed the last of her hopes of reviving their relationship.

His last words to her had a tone of finality to them that caused her to tremble even now. "Goodbye, Shepard. And be careful." And he had walked away without a backward glance, bringing a dull ache to her heart.

She picked up the holo, caressing the frame as his words ran through her mind over and over again. Tears gathered in her eyes, blurring her vision, and she put the holo carefully back on her desk when she realized she was trembling. She stood slowly and walked over to her bed, where she laid on her back and stared at the ceiling, unable to get him out of her head.