A/N: We don't own Twilight or The Bad Mother's Handbook. This cum shot is rated M for perv. I hope you like cats. I mean really really like cats!

Thanks to Rosmarina for looking this over and giving such great input. I love you, man!

A Boy and His Pussy

By Annetteskitty and FiberKitty

Sometime in the future... The cat's POV

~o=o~

"I couldn't wait to get home to love and stroke my pussy! Being without you left a small space in my heart that not even Bella could fill. Were you waiting in the window for me just like always, BooBoo Kitty? It's as if I hadn't been away at all. As soon as I walked in the door, here you are rubbing your body sensuously in a figure eight pattern around my ankles, purring up a storm. Yes, give Daddy some love!"

"Oh, Big D, I missed you so much," I purred. I didn't know how long he'd been gone, but it felt like eternity. Ewww! Big D smelled funny; his scent was covered in someone else's. My nose wrinkled as I twined myself around his legs. I needed to rub myself all over him again. This could take a while.

"I almost forgot how much I missed my sweet BooBoo Kitty. You have the softest white fur, yes you do! And you are always so frisky. How you love to play! Let's go to Daddy's room, shall we? Heaven's, it looks like you have been sleeping on the same pillow this entire time! I could tell by all the little hairs that you've made it into a nest. You must have missed me terribly, didn't you?"

I had no idea what he was saying but I always loved the special way that Big D talked to me. He used a sweet voice that no one else did. I knew I was his special girl. In hopes that he would come home soon, I kept his favorite pillow warm so it would be ready for him when he needed to copulate with it. I liked the way it smelled.

Big D was laying down on our bed. He pulled me onto his chest and scratched my neck and ears. I should have been angry at him for going away for so long, but I was a slut.

"Oh yes, that's the sweet spot!" I couldn't help but purr. "Oh, Big D, don't stop. Don't stop." It felt so good, almost like when I snuck out in the back yard and met a tom cat once. Big D didn't let me do anything with Tom, he was too jealous. He loved me just for himself.

"I'm wearing a rainbow collar, just like your pretty sweater." I pawed around on Big D's chest, kneading my claws into the softness. He wasn't as soft as before, but he was still my Big D. Nothing felt as good beneath my paws as him.

"You love my rainbow sweater, don't you? You know, I've read that cats are sometimes attracted to wool. You must really like the way the wool smells because this sweater is like catnip for you."

His sweater was so soft and smelled so yummy. I purred and dotted Big D's ear and neck with my little wet nose. Then I smelled his neck. I just had to get inside that sweater! So, I started batting at the neck and crawled inside. Ooooh, his pasty skin was so soft, and I loved his furry chest. I couldn't resist the urge to knead a little bit and rub my face in his fur.

"BooBoo Kitty! What are you doing inside my sweater? Silly kitty!"

"Oops! Did my kitty whiskers tickle a nipple?" I was trying not to nibble it, but it was so pink and right there. Big D always let out such nice sounds when he played with them. So I dotted it with my nose and began poking it with my happy paws. I wanted him to make those nice sounds for me.

"Watch the nips, Kitty. No claws!"

I was always gentle inside the sweater. I loved to nuzzle Big D's skin and chest fur but once I saw the nip I had to have it. It was so pretty and pink!

"Aaaaaah! Naughty kitty! No sandpaper tongue or teeth!"

Unfortunately, one little nip nibble and I was pushed down onto Big D's stomach. It was much firmer than I remembered. I liked it better when it was soft. So I decided to soften it up with my happy paws. Big D fell asleep, enjoying my ministrations.

~o=o~

"Oh, BooBoo Kitty. I want to go home. My real home. I'm so bored here. All I ever do is wake up, go to work, come home and watch the telly until I fall asleep each night."

We got back into our little routine. I don't recall ever feeling so content. "I love you," I slowly blinked, staring into his beautiful blue eyes each night while perched on his chest. Sure, there were other people in the house, the ones who changed my kitty box and fed me when my person wasn't here, but I only had eyes for Big D. I loved our daily activities. I would walk him to the door when he went out, greet him when he came home, and watch him eat his dinner, just the two of us. The best times were when Big D stayed home with me all day. He would let me nest on his pillow after he copulated with it. It was our special thing.

Every morning I enjoyed following him into the bathroom. I loved watching him sit on his kitty box. Oops, today he was straining. I should give give some of my malt flavored kitty lube to help move things along. There was nothing more undignified than having dingle berries cut off your bum. I didn't want Big D to suffer through that. "There, there!" I gave him some kitty head rubs on his legs to sooth him. If his trousers hadn't been in the way, I would have used my tongue to clean him and soothe his bunghole.

~o=o~

One afternoon, I pawed at the door and made my way into Big D's bedroom. I hopped on the bed and watched him self pleasure for the the third time that day. Or was it the fourth? I wasn't sure. I can only count to three.

Big D's time was cut short due to the knocking at the door. He immediately started hugging another human. I had rarely ever seen anything like that in this house.

"God Bella, I've missed you so much. What are you doing here? Never mind, I don't care!"

There was another pussy in the house, and I didn't like it one bit. She smelled yucky so I got busy rubbing my scent all over her legs. Wait! She smelled like that awful scent on Big D when he came home. Grrr!

"Look, BooBoo Kitty has taken a real liking towards you! Try scratching her head."

"Hi there, sweet kitty!"

"Hsssssss!" I hissed as I let my feelings be known. "Die, bitch! Die!"

"I think BooBoo Kitty is a bit cranky today. Come on, love. Let's go into my room."

"Love?" I didn't know what the word meant, but he used those sounds with me. He shouldn't use them with her. Tomcat stealing bitch. He grabbed her things and took her to our bedroom. I sulked in the window. I knew she would smell up our special place. I finally had Big D back and she had to come interrupt us. Rude bitch. I wanted her to leave.

~o=o~

Unfortunately, she stayed for a long time. While she was here, Big D stopped copulating with our pillow and she wouldn't allow me in when she used her kitty box. If she was around she would hold me and keep me from watching Big D too. She ruined all my fun, so I did everything I could to get rid of her.

"You're not so special. You're just a warm pillow." Mmmm. Pillow. I busied myself kneading Big D's other favorite pillow which smelled only of him and me, the way it should be. The way everything would be again, soon. Very soon.

"Here, BooBoo! Looky here I have some yummy wet food for you. Daniel says you love this stuff! Not too much though. It's not good for your teeth."

Wait! What's that smell?

Bitch was trying to buy my affection with my favorite can of Salmon Surprise with Giblet Gravy! It was working. Almost. That coupled with her high-pitched voice and she just about had me.

"Who's a pretty kitty? Who's a sweet pretty kitty?"

Yeah, keep cooing. Did I happen to mention that I'm not technically allowed on the counter? I cocked my head and sensuously licked my lips as I looked over at Big D. I then looked over at the water faucet, wondering if I could get her to turn it on.

"Oh, does BooBoo want some water?"

She placed the water bowl on the counter in front of me. I sneered. Jesus, some of these humans are stupid. I walked over to the faucet.

"Oh, I know what she wants."

"That's right, slut. Turn that water on." I lapped up the ice cold, fresh flowing water. That's what I was meant to drink. Who's in charge now? Huh? That's right - I am. So, you can go now. Don't you worry about Big D. I'll make sure he forgets you.

We were all settled into a new routine. The new human spent way too much time in our room. She kept sitting on my pillow, so finally I had to mark it with my pee pee so she would get the freakin' point and leave our special pillow alone. Big D wasn't very happy with me, but he didn't yell. I think he realized I was mad. Took him long enough. Humans!

Still, it wasn't so bad once I had the dim bulb trained to open my cat food at my whims and turn the faucet on for me when ever I wanted. Sometimes I wasn't even thirsty. I just made her do it to keep her trained. Heh! That Persian tramp across the street didn't have her humans half as well trained.

~o=o~

One day, the other human and I were laying on the bed. When Big D came into the bedroom, I could instantly sense that he was ready to mate. I always liked watching. It was the best part of my day after getting wet food.

"Just because he frequently copulates with you, that doesn't mean you're his favorite. This was my bed before you arrived and will be mine and Big D's after I make you leave." As Big D was stripping off his clothing, I walked across the other human and put my butt in her face.

She tossed her undergarments at me, trying to shoo me off the bed.

"Bella, I spent all day thinking about your bountiful bosom. I couldn't wait to feel your nipples in my mouth so I could give them the attention these sweet peaks deserve."

I didn't know why he was trying to get milk from her. It's not like she had a litter of kittens anywhere nearby. Which is a good thing, as I'd hate to make a bunch of kittens leave, too. Well, if they were people kittens I wouldn't have let them in the house. People kittens are evil little things that pull my tail.

"Oh YES, Daniel. Mmmmmm."

They sure made a lot of noises.

"Please let me pleasure your beautiful vagina with my long wet tongue."

"God Yes!"

"You like a little dirty talk don't you, you little vixen!"

"I do. I'm a bad girl!"

He certainly enjoyed licking and grooming the fur between her legs. I turned away, disgusted. Why didn't he ever use his tongue on me? I always figured it was due to a lack of tongue barbs, but apparently, that wasn't the case.

"Oooooh! Aaaaaah!"

After a lot of screaming, she started grooming Big D's gonads and he seemed to like it. I wished he would let me groom him properly. His fur was getting a little wild down there. Since I was on the bed, right close, watching the whole time, I could tell that she wasn't very thorough. By the time they started copulating I was becoming rather aroused myself so I started cleansing my own genitals. Oooh, that felt good!

At least they didn't seem to mind me walking around the bed. After all, they needed to know who' this bed belonged to. I know I could do a better job than her. He could copulate with our pillow and let me groom him. We could be happy again.

She had to go!

~o=o~

"I hate for you to go, but I know you have to. Here's your passport on the desk so you don't forget it. Do you think all this will fit back in your suitcase?"

I was so excited that they were building me a special nest. Maybe she wasn't so bad after all? I crawled in and got comfortable. I saw that Big D placed her favorite blue book on the desk. It went everywhere with her. She was a really slow reader, I guess.

"BooBoo Kitty, you're in the way. Come on, out you go!"

He shut me out of my own room! The nerve! That was the last straw. I waited for everyone to go to sleep that night. It took a long time because Big D and her were going at it like they were in heat. Finally, I pawed the little book onto the floor and played with it like a mouse for a few minutes. Once that got boring, I picked it up in my teeth and dragged it into my lair for some special treatment before sleeping on the couch.

~o=o~

"Oh no! I... uh... finally found it. It's soaked in cat urine and poo. Let me try and clean it off."

"Oh that's disgusting!"

"Gotcha!" I preened, feeling superior.

Ooh! A mouse. They could finish cleaning off my good work while I went hunting. No mouse can live in our house - just one more thing I can do that she-human can't. It would make a wonderful snack later while Big D had his tea.

"I know, but it'll still work. See, BooBoo Kitty just couldn't stand to see you leave! And to think I worried about the two women in my life not getting along."

I watched her go, finally. Just me and Big D again. The way it should be. I think I'll go get my newly caught snack to celebrate. It might even be a little warm still. I buried it so nicely in my new nest, inside a soft sweater that smelled like Big D. Wait- where did my nest go? That bitch stole my nest! This isn't over. I'm going to use her as my scratching post when we meet again.

~o=o~

A/N: Sexy huh? I hope that satisfies those of you who have been dying for a lemon! tee hee

Special thanks to BooBoo_Kitty33 and her naughty tweets for providing so much inspiration. ;-)