(A/N: I don't know how good this is going to turn out as opposed to the rest, but here goes. Remember no character is safe, so I don't care if I have respect for any specific character or if you do, I am going to try knocking all of them down a peg or two)

Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach

Shuhei:

Shuhei is such a closeted pervert he's in Narnia…and they kicked him out.

Shuhei…are you implying something?

Shuhei's dreams are so flaky he can add milk and eat them for breakfast

Shuhei is so poor that when Izuru lit a match in his office the roaches began shouting "Clap your hands. Stop your feet. Praise the lord. We got heat!"

Shuhei is so poor that he was seen kicking a can down the street and when asked what he was doing he said "Moving my office"

Shuhei is so poor that when someone ate with him at dinner there were three beans on the table. The visitor took one and Shuhei told him not to be greedy

Shuhei is so poor he steals from the homeless

Shuhei is so poor stealing even Detective Dick Gumshoe has a better paycheck

Shuhei fails to see that Kazeshini looks more like pinwheels on chains than death scythes

Gin:

Gin is happy because he sucked all of Izuru's joy into his own body

Gin is happy because he just saved a bunch of money on his car insurance by switching to Geico

Gin is happy because he just won the lottery

Gin is happy because he's not wearing any underwear today

Gin is happy because he no longer has any responsibility

Gin is happy because he enjoys the pain of others

Gin is so sadistic even the devil himself doesn't want him living in hell

Gin is so sadistic there are wanted posters with his picture on every church door

Gin is so sadistic he makes Mayuri look like Jesus

Gin is so sadistic even his own shadow is afraid of him

Izuru:

Izuru is so epic he's the only Shinigami to win via decapitation

Izuru is so quiet in his speech even Colette Brunel's hearing can't pick up his mumbling

Izuru is so depressed even the anti-depressants are becoming useless

Izuru is so depressed that even on a bright and sunny day there were still storm clouds over his head

Nanao:

Nanao is so rigid that if she tries to bend she'll break

Nanao is so easily frightened she was sent into panic by a drop of water

Nanao is so easily frightened she would become scared of a fellow Shinigami she knows all too well if her Captain created a Ghost Story about their past

Nanao is such a bookworm that she chose studying and reading over being out in the fray

Nanao misses her Nee-san so much she took her place

Nanao is so unlucky she's had the misfortune of winding up the victim of tentacle rape twice!

Nanao is so stiff, the stick up her ass is as soft as feathers in comparison. (Credit for this goes to CatnipKitteh)

Ishin:

Ishin is so stupid he hears it's chilly outside and gets a spoon

Ishin is so stupid he bought a solar-powered flashlight just because it was on sale

Ishin is so stupid that he tried framing himself

Ishin is so stupid that he sees the forest, but misses the trees…whump!

Ishin is such a bad father that he intentionally lets Ichigo endanger himself

Ishin is such a bad father that he assaults his own son and over smothers his daughters to make up for it

Ishin is such a bad father he takes no responsibility for his son's actions despite the fact that Ichigo is still underage

Szayel:

If Szayel is so concerned about his appearance why didn't he think to get contacts?

If Szayel is so concerned about appearances then he's a hypocrite

Szayel is such a narcissist he makes Yumichika look like a slob

Szayel has such an eye for fashion he should work for Abercrombie and Fitch

Szayel is such a freak that his Ressurreccion only proves this point

Szayel is so heartless he wouldn't spare a word of mourning for his brother.

Hallibel:

Hallibel is such a temptress her jacket opens from the opposite direction

Hallibel is such a temptress her tattoo is on her boob

Hallibel is such a temptress she only covers the nips of her breasts with her armor and doesn't wear a bra.

Hallibel is such a temptress her Resurreccion makes her outfit even skimpier than it already was

Hallibel is such a temptress even her Fraccion don't cover their chests properly.

Ulquiorra:

Ulquiorra is so Emo he's the reason My Chemical Romance was created

Ulquiorra is so Emo no matter where he is the weather is always thunderstorms

Ulquiorra is so Emo that he affected the usually bright and cheery Orihime

Ulquiorra is so Emo that his spiritual pressure was described as a torrential hurricane by Rukia, Chad and the others beneath Las Noches' dome

Ulquiorra is so Emo he has black hair and pastel white skin

Ulquiorra is so Emo he gave up when Ichigo had finally beaten him

Momo:

Momo is like Ichigo, both are named after fruits

Momo is so flat even Matzoh is a little bit puffier

Momo is so fruity she believed Aizen's lies

Momo is so fruity she puts Ichigo to shame

Momo is so fruity you could make salad out of her

Sajin:

Sajin's size has no bearing on his strength

Sajin is so fail he's been ripped horribly in every fight he's been in

Sajin's Bark is worse than his bite

Sajin puts a whole new spin on the word Bestiality

Sajin's victories are always via Animality

If Holy War is the fight over who has the biggest imaginary friend: Sajin Wins, flawless victory

Nel:

Nel is such a brat that I've started reconsidering wanting kids after I get married

Nel is proof positive that big things come in small packages

For all who think Nel's adult form is hot, just remember what she looks like when she's not in that form, as well as how she acts

Nel is so childish…even after she returned to her adult form

Nel is fail, seriously she couldn't have held onto her form for just a little longer

Nel is fail because she gotten taken down by someone 5 ranks below her and a Privaron Espada

Nemu:

Nemu is so withdrawn there's no such thing as taking advantage of her

Nemu is so fail she doesn't even realize that Mayuri is only alive because Uryu missed

Nemu is so robotic that she only acts when given orders

Nemu is so naughty that she calmed Uryu down by smothering him with her breasts

Nemu is the perfect example of a submissive housewife

Uryu:

Uryu is so good at finding loopholes he should be a lawyer

Uryu is so good with a bow he should take up Archery at Karakura as opposed to sewing

Uryu proves that you can be a man and still like to sew…somewhat

If Uryu's shots are so high accurate how did his shot that tore through Mayuri's stomach miss?

Uryu is so rebellious that not only has he gone against his father, but also his grandfather

If I were Uryu I'd walk up to his dad look him straight in the eye, aim a bow at him and go "I have no talent for being a quincy my ass"

Uryu is so fail that when he hallucinates he sees butterflies

Does anyone besides me think that Uryu's new bow is like a can of bug repellent for hollows

If Uryu is intelligent enough to remember a hollow's full name after only hearing it once, why did he tie Ichigo's Zanpakuto to his head and come up with the stupid plan for Ichigo to channel his spirit energy into him.

Ryuken:

Ryuken is so badass he can fire a bow and arrow with only one arm

Ryuken is so badass that non-smoking laws do not apply to him

Ryuken is so badass that his friendship with Ishin only furthers this notion

Ryuken is so hypocritical, he tells Uryu not to have dealings with Shinigami and yet he's friends with Ishin.

Ryuken is so cool he can defy the laws of physics (Credit for this goes to jawwenthevampire)

(A/N: And that should do it for you all, hopefully this chapter has managed to gather together, what I believe to be, all the remaining important Bleach characters. I know I'm missing a few of the Espada and Shinigami officers, but there's either just not enough for me to make fun of them or it would be no fun to do so. As always Review, Subscribe and Fave and, although it is filler, Bleach 262 will have its subtitles done tonight so don't miss it. I know I won't. See you all next time).