Superfluous Data and other Short Stories about Haruhi Suzumiya and her Friends
by: a better name
or whatever I happen to make my pen name say.
I do not own the characters from the Haruhi Suzumiya series and am not affiliated with the author and/or creators in any way. The anime is cool. Watch it. The book series is probably good. Read it.
Furthermore, this story is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to actual events is coincidental and probably is all in your head. Wait... why do I have to say this?
Superfluous Data I: Interruption
...BEGINNING LOCAL BOOT PROCESS...
LOCATED KERNEL AT -generic
BOOTING Yuki-generic...
O 0%
=O 25%
==O 50%
===O 75%
====O....100%. EXITING TO PROMPT.
YUKI.N:_
Time: 07:00:00.
YUKI.N: Get out of bed. Begin interface sanitation process: shower.
Time:07:15:23.
YUKI.N: Begin customary concealment of body parts deemed "private" and installation of insulation and aesthetics: dress.
Time: 07:25:41
YUKI.N: beginning monthly error scan on local disks.
for superfluous data.........
"RING RING RING RING!" ….....
"RING RING RING RING!" process interrupted. Source of interruption: telephone bell.
"RING RING RING RING!" Answering of telephone will result in termination of bell. Termination of bell will result in cessation of process interruption. Proceed.
"RING RING RING RI-" "Yuki Nagato speaking."
"Yuki! This is Haruhi. Come to the clubroom right away!"
YUKI.N: Likelihood that this is for something trivial: 85%…execute process "excuse."
"I have not eaten breakfast yet." Excuse quality: 4/10. Poor excuse. Chances that subject Suzumiya will render excuse irrelevant: 100%. Chance that unstable element "Kyon" will be paying for breakfast: also 100%.
"I've already thought of that! Kyon is going to go get something to bring to the clubroom. BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES!" Click.
… calculating ETA at maximum warp........... 0.1 seconds. Conclusion: Unit will arrive within time designated by subject Suzumiya. Current time: 07:28:53. Engage warp.
Location: SOS Brigade clubroom.
Current time: 07:28:54.
Current location: SOS Brigade headquarters. Beginning basic scan of surrounding area. 1 computer on the front desk. Said desk belongs to subject Suzumiya. To the left of the desk is a clothes rack. On the clothes rack are various items of clothing which fall under the category of "costumes." Among these are a waitress outfit, a frog costume, a nurse's clothes, a maid outfit, a pair of bunny suits, and the witch's costume worn by myself in the Brigade movie.
YUKI.N: Incomplete processes: scan and removal of unnecessary data. Status: paused. Will not be completed within 00:04:59. Subject Suzumiya will likely arrive within the time designated by herself.
ETA: ….............. BAM! The door slams open. The storm blows in.
ETA: -0.5 seconds.
YUKI.N: Killing unauthorized process: "metaphorical device."
"Oh, Yuki. You're here already! Good for you. You get one-thousand points!"
"I see." Oh boy. Whatever will I do with all of these wonderful points?
YUKI.N:… system error... unidentified process. Undergoing diagnostic now... diagnostic complete...
Results: Process identified as sarcasm.
Cause of sarcasm: subject Haruhi Suzumiya. Reasoning: subject Suzumiya has pointed out the obvious in noticing that I am here early and has thus awarded me points that have no apparent value.
System error: sarcasm is an emotional response. I am not designed for emotional reactions. Subject "Haruhi Suzumiya" unaware of process: sarcasm.
YUKI.N: Source of system error: unknown. Assumed to be a result of interruption in data purging process. Killing process sarcasm. Process terminated.
Mikuru Asahina will likely be the next to arrive. ETA:00:02:00. My book is in the locker. I go to get it out. It is a novel with the date "1984" on the cover. It has something to do with someone's older brother. I turn the pages slowly.
SLAM!
"Oh! I hope I'm not too late!" It was Ms. Asahina. Time of arrival: 07:33:44.
"Nope! Right on time. Now hurry up and get changed."
"Eeeep!" Suzumiya grabs Asahina and drags her behind the clothing rack. "No, please!" Poor Mikuru.
: unauthorized process: sympathy. Killed process: sympathy. Also associated with interruption of data purge.
This is a very good book.
Koizumi arrives during the time that Asahina is changing, or rather, being changed. With that wooden smile, he simply says. "Oops," and walks back into the hall.
Report: 4/5 of the SOS Brigade is now present. Remaining member: unstable element "Kyon." ETA for unstable element: incalculable. Too many unknown variables including chosen source of breakfast. Switching to secondary data source: guesswork. Unstable element is rarely on time. Average delay: 10 minutes. Calculated ETA: 00:10:00. 00:09:59. 00:09:58.
Subject Suzumiya bids Koizumi to enter again. Still smiling, he nods at Asahina, now wearing the maid outfit, and myself. "Good morning." He says.
"Good morning," I reply.
"Good morning," says Asahina. I wonder if she really means it? Error: unauthorized process: curiosity. Terminating process.
Remaining time until projected arrival of unstable element: 00:06:38. Hurry up. "Kyon", as the element is known to his friends, is tall, has brown hair, brown eyes, and a lazy, stubborn attitude.
YUKI.N: Error: unauthorized process: anticipation. It will not be terminated in order to conserve system resources.
Remaining time until arrival of unstable element: 00:05:03. Hurry.
"Kyon is late as usual." I am not surprised. I have already determined that the average delay for the unstable element is about ten minutes. "He will get the death penalty for this." Haruhi's death penalties never seem to result in fatalities. It would seem that it is not logical to call it a "death penalty," but this unit does not know what the subject thinks or how she reasons.
00:04:45.
"Perhaps he should." Koizumi said. He knows better than to argue with Haruhi despite the fact that the five allotted minutes has already been shown to be not enough for Kyon to buy breakfast and then get to the clubroom. I personally feel that Koizumi should not vocalize his agreement with subject Suzumiya lest he make unstable element Kyon's predicament much worse.
YUKI.N: Error: unauthorized process: personal opinion. Terminate process[Y/n]?
00:02:57. Only three more minutes. We wait a while in relative silence.
"Well, I can't explain the situation if Kyon's not here." This turn of events seems to irritate subject Suzumiya. Subject begins process similar to scanning for enemy targets. Appears to have locked on to... "MIKURU! Tea! Now!."
"Eeeep! Y-yes Miss Suzumiya. Right away." Target Asahina begins evasive action. Moves towards the tea making devices on the other side of the clothes rack to avoid being wiped from reality or far worse.
ETA for unstable element: "Kyon": - 00:01:56.
Damn you Kyon, I don't want to wait another ten minutes for you...
: Unsupported operation: impatience.
Oh, shut up.
: unsupported operation: irritation.
Shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up...
YUKI.N: Error: command "shut up" not found. Command "shut up" might not in local environment path. Try "which 'shut up'", "man 'shut up'", or "cnf 'shut up'". If command "shut up" is still not available...
"QUIET!" There was audible silence. It is another minute before I realize that
A.) the unstable element "Kyon" had arrived while I was having that internal conversation, and
B.) I had spoken out loud. I also realize that
C .)I am standing up and that my hard back book's pages are crumpled and its spine has snapped.
"Yo, Nagato. Everything alright?" Kyon has a rather blank expression on his face as he asks, but his eyebrows are knit approximately .5 centimeters closer together than usual.
YUKI.N: error error error error error error
"I am fine." On my right foot, the little toe is twitching involuntarily in time with my also twitching left eyebrow. Error. Error. Error. Error. Error. "Fine."
"Um, sometimes I get like that if I have a headache. You know, twitchy. Would you like some aspirin or something?" Says Asahina.
all unauthorized processes.
"No. There is no need." Error. Shut up. Killing all unauthorized processes makes it better. I no longer twitch involuntarily. "So, Kyon is here." I sit back down and smooth the pages of my book.
"I noticed." He quips in his cynical tone. "I also brought breakfast." He holds a brown and red paper bag in his left hand.
"So." Subject Suzumiya speaks. "Not only did you show up fifteen minutes late, but you didn't even have the decency to buy us something other than McDonald's! SUPER PENALTY!"
"Yeah, whatever. Eat up." There is one breakfast sandwich for each of us, plus a small soda for Suzumiya. Kyon had gotten the rest of us water. It was probably because subject Suzumiya had specially requested a soda, but still...
YUKI.N: Error: unsupported process: jealousy. Terminating process now.
Ahhh. I feel much better now.
"So, what did you call us out here at this ungodly hour in the morning for this weekend?" Kyon asks in his traditional sarcastic tone. Subject Haruhi Suzumiya smiles that uncanny smile. This cannot end well.
YUKI.N: Error: unauthorized process: dread. Attempting to kill process
"Maybe I shouldn't tell you just to punish you." None of us vocalize it, but I can read the irritation in the unstable element's face. "Mikuru! Where the hell is that tea?!"
"Ah! C-c-c-coming Miss Suzumiya." She scurries back to the teapot and begins filling a cup frantically, spilling almost all of the rest of the tea on the carpet. Kyon simply holds his palm to his forehead and groans quietly, knowing that it would likely be he who cleans it up later. For some reason, I like the way his face looks when he does that. I don't understand. Error. Looks like I'll have to kill that process too.
"So. You want to know what you are here for." She grins maniacally. She is surely unstable. "Well. I'll tell you." Kyon looks up from in between his fingers. Asahina pauses with the tea. "Mikuru! Tea!" She timidly sets it in front of Suzumiya and takes her seat. Koizumi is smiling. Suzumiya takes a sip of tea and speaks. "Crop circles!"
"Oh, God, no." Kyon retreats behind his palm again. Koizumi is still smiling. Asahina makes more tea. I turn the page.
Current time: 08:06:42
Well, that's all she wrote folks. I basically have no freaking idea what I'm doing, so please read and review. Tell me if you hate it or love it, but, for goodness sake, tell me why. I don't really know if I can edit these things once posted, but I will try to fix any inconsistencies in style or story that appear as they come to my attention.
Assuming this doesn't go over too badly, next chapter will be Superfluous Data II: Crop Circles. Read it.