Author's Note: And here I am again, with the next chapter... I should probably apologize everyone because I said before that I want to update quicker and already put the story to an end as I happen to write it awfully slowly... Though as I said this, I made everyone wait so long for this chapter... So I'm apologizing and adding only that I'm after all not so sure how fast the next update will be, as for some time now I have some problems with my health that, unfortunately, make me write not as much as I would normally like to. Though, I hope you'll enjoy the chapter that I managed to upload now :)
He had to compose himself. If he won't... But, on the other hand... how was he supposed to? He forced his eyes to focus and there it was... The picture displayed before him, once again squeezed his heart and almost made him lose control on the spot, second time this day, or third... he didn't even know anymore... Thankfully he thought, for once, about likely consequences of this possible reaction and managed to stay in his current position... Which wasn't exactly helping him either...
He was still straddling L, one of his hands on his neck, the other grasping lightly the man's jaw. And L... Reddened cheeks, slightly wet and swollen lips... Though all of his eloquence, the only way Light could describe L now was... unconsciously alluring. However, when he looked, really looked at him, he was instantly awaken form his trance...
L was shaking, but not form the pleasure, from scare. It was visible in his enormously widened, glassy eyes and contortion in his face muscles, the way his grasp on Light changed from somewhat needy to that of a person who lost the ground beneath her or his feet. Like a deer caught in the headlights...
Light thought, not without fear, that whatever he would do or say now, could be taken for a threat... So he had to be extremely careful. And it wasn't easy when you still had a part of your mind in the, so called, gutter...
Not to mention that it was really a first for him... That someone freaked out in the middle of making out with him... Usually he got entirely different reactions... Like girls trying to persuade him into moving further when he decided to stop. He knew of course that the current situation differed from his few other encounters, though not so much because this time it was between two men but because... L was involved.
Light, not so long ago, experienced L's insecurities and fears on his own skin. He was well aware how deeply they went. There were no short-cuts here, nor going around... He just had to face it. Besides, he provoked it himself and it wasn't like him to just shrug something of that caliber off...
Light concentrated on L again, stopping his galloping thoughts. The man still didn't do much but trembled like a child in the middle of its worse nightmare. And for a second Light thought that maybe it was the truth? That it was one of L's worst fears? Getting intimate with someone, close to someone... feeling. And in the same moment Light realised that if he was right, then L wasn't alone in it. Because maybe he wasn't reacting as extremely as L, their background and childhood were far from being similar after all, but it made itself clear that he was afraid as well...
He wasn't so secluded from people like L, he had no problems with socializing as such, but he hadn't been in a relationship actually, being exact, he hadn't cared for someone as he cared for L right now... He hadn't loved in the way he loved L; as he stated before that indeed he loved the man. And he was definitely, with all his recent actions, trying to make L fall in love with him too and... Exactly! And what? What then...?
He was so caught up with 'acting in the spur of the moment', pushing L's boundaries, braking his personal space bubble, that he forgot to made it clear, for himself, where was it going from there... Because, all right... He loved L and wanted the same from him, definitely, though then... a relationship? A real one? A commitment? With commitments came responsibilities and it wasn't that he was afraid of them but... If they were to end up being in a relationship, his actions were somehow out of place, weren't they? Because there should be trust and partnership and now... he was just cornering the man, giving him no option, imposing his own needs and speed on him. He didn't want L to agree to anything that he wanted because of the pressure. He wanted him willing. And that was only possible after gaining his real trust... And now... he hadn't got it... Not in personal matters... It was easy to comprehend just after looking at the body trembling under him...
So Light slowly took a deep breath, gulped visibly and only after that, a little bit more composed and with his mind clearer, moved his hands away from L, as well as the rest of his body, giving L and himself some space.
And as his intelligence seemed to show up again, he intended to put it into use. Good use... First thing... After quick evaluation of recent happenings, he came to somewhat obvious conclusion that right now L's panic wasn't really about him... Well, was only partially... But more about L himself and his reaction to Light. As, what actually pleased Light immensely, L kissed him back. Out of his own volition... Though he shouldn't think much about the kiss itself. It was putting his mind of important things... Important now, that is, because L's kiss was important as well...
Light stopped thinking about it before it became more disturbing, once again putting his mind on the right track.
He looked at L, waiting for his reaction, ready to adjust his following actions and decisions to the man, for once willing and ready to agree on a compromise... Or even backing off for some time... If it was needed that is... Well, he already knew that being intimate in any physical way had to wait... Besides, he told himself, and L, that he wasn't ready to 'jump' him, right? Maybe he was mistaken once but that was before... L's reaction and his self-evaluation... Now it definitely became the truth...
And so he waited, one minute, two, three... But L did nothing. He stayed in the same spot, not uttering a single word. The only thing that had changed was that his tremble gradually came to a stop. However, Light wasn't sure if L was aware of his surroundings still. His mouth slightly agape, eyes focused on one spot somewhere above Light's shoulder but not really seeing it, fists clenching and unclenching spasmodically; like in a catatonic state. It made Light worry about the man's senses... Was it really such a shock for him... that he had kissed Light, even if for a split second? It wasn't like he revealed a world changing secret to him, right? After all, Light knew long before that L was a human being and have some emotions hidden under that adamant armour he decided to wear constantly around others.
Was it some kind of self-realisation that put all of his senses to a halt so suddenly then, leaving him in a zombie-like state? Knowing L so far, it probably was... Learning that all of this time he was lying to himself about not having any needs or curiosity considering human intimacy.
And maybe one would have said that they kissed twice already and L should have realised it before but... Their first kiss wasn't about that, there was no need or hunger for each other, not in a sexual way that is; it was about reassurance, being there for each other. And the second one? It was only for Light himself, more like a violation than anything else, taking notice of the situation and L's state.
So here it was... L trying to comprehend what had happened and why he participated in it... and not ready to believe into the logical arguments that his reasonable mind was giving him on a silver plate. Hence, the shock and the extreme reaction. He simply didn't want to acknowledge what was right before his eyes. Well, Light just thought that it was the case... However, it was probably the time to wake L up from his... well, whatever he really was in, because Light didn't have it in his mind to actually label it with the right psychological definition this time...
Not wanting to do anything rush, Light simply called out the others name, or rather his alias... Everything was complicated with the man, wasn't it? Even something as simple as trying to refer to him personally...
"Ryuuzaki-kun... Ryuuzaki-kun? Ryuuzaki-kun! L!" - only after hearing his title the man suddenly snapped his eyes at Light, slowly focusing his gaze on him, like he had been indeed woken up from a deep sleep. Tracing his lips with a finger, he stopped midway, as if he was burned, looking fearfully at Light and then at his hand that for a moment lingered near his mouth, as if uncertain. He bit his lip instead, refusing to speak. Maybe afraid of what he would say then?
"Ryuuzaki-kun... I am sorry... again. It wasn't my intention to... startle you." - he said, trying to sound perfectly normal, to put Ryuuzaki at ease, using some general phrases, as to not make the conversation too personal and let L collect himself.
"I... want to ask Light-kun a question." - L stated suddenly, making Light rise an eyebrow.
"A question?" - he repeated flatly, like he wanted to confirm what he had heard.
"Yes, Light-kun... And... I want it to be the third one... If you remember our deal about me asking you ten questions... Which I hope you do..." - L said, seemingly back to 'normal', though Light could see some little signs of him feeling uncomfortably. His back and shoulders slightly tense, not exactly in his usual slouch, one of his thumbs in his mouth already, being bitten into more harshly and those maddening eyes, wider still.
Why did he suddenly mentioned their bet? What was it that he wanted to ask that he needed to refer to it? So... it was probably something that, without outer coercion, he wouldn't be eager to share with. Well, he was going to keep his promise, so refusal wasn't an option...
"I couldn't have possibly forgotten, Ryuuzaki-kun. So then... ask what's on your mind." - Light encouraged him. Digging his own grave? But... It wasn't like he had something of great importance to hide anyway, right? He already told L that he loves him...
"What is Light-kun's greatest fear?" - L asked then, boring his eyes into the boy with a new found intensity.
"My... fear?" - he repeated once again, a little dumbfounded. L wanted to know that? What for...? He was expecting a question of an other caliber. More... intimate, maybe? Was it a diversion of some kind? Did L thought that knowing his fears, or rather his greatest fear, would help him ease his own? Be something to focus on, instead of constantly thinking of his own weaknesses? Did he needed reassurance that he wasn't the only one, that someone as intelligent as him also suffered from uncertainties, dreaded something...? There were so many options... And was he the only one that noticed the comic number of questions he was asking himself? Even now? It would be nice to be certain of some answers at least, but no... He would have to wait how will the situation develop itself. To see, what was L aiming for, that is...
"Not just... any fear. What is... that you dread the most, that wakes in you your primal instincts shouting for you to run as far as it is possible. Making you shiver and burn in the same time... Do you even know that kind of feeling?" - L whispered almost, though his voice echoed strangely in the otherwise silent room.
Light wrinkled his forehead for a moment. It occurred that it was somehow really important for L if he used so many words, no to mention descriptions... Normally he was disinclined to use more words than the necessary minimum. If someone had problems understanding him then, it wasn't his problem... Back to the essence, he should take L's question seriously.
"I... everyone fears something, Ryuuzaki-kun. I'm no exception... However, if I had to choose what is my worst nightmare, I would have to think for a moment. Being truthful, I never really put much thinking into it..." - Light said and it hit him that indeed, he never reflected on it himself.
Wasn't it strange? Most of people went through life with fear right behind the corner, only waiting to attack them, make them unable to function, achieve their goals... And though Light wasn't fearless, somewhere along the way he so firmly focused on following his dreams that he had no time thinking about the said fears. It hit him that now he had even a problem to recollect what was it that made him terrified. Was it a good thing or a bad one...? He couldn't decide...
But sitting there, in the sheer silence that surrounded the room, and looking at the oddly solemn face of L, he became suddenly aware...
"It seems that what I'm truly afraid of is... fear itself, Ryuuzaki-kun." - he stated finally, observing the man. His reaction was what interested Light the most in that moment, as it could elucidate, even if only partially, motives behind L's sudden question.
Unfortunately, L appeared unsatisfied with Light's answer somehow because his, almost always smooth, untouched by emotions forehead, became slightly wrinkled up. He nearly missed it, nearly...
So now there was something wrong with his answer? How was it even possible? In Light's opinion, there wasn't such a thing like a wrong answer to what L had asked him... One's fear was something
utterly personal and subjective, so there was no logical point of undermining it, trying to measure it or compare it. It was born of one's past experiences, observations, sometimes less or more common knowledge, not necessarily true even. Though... maybe not everyone shared Light's opinion. And one person in particular, right now sitting in front of him, staring at him intensely, as if trying to find some answers that way and not succeeding clearly...
"Light-kun is being difficult for his own amusement, at my cost. He cannot be afraid of... fear. It's not logical in the slightest. I took Light-kun for a person that would choose something more tangible; like premature death, being unable to accomplish his most important goals, becoming underestimated, disregarded... But fear in its pure form? Isn't that Light-kun told something to avoid more specific answer? Maybe a compromising one? Light-kun was supposed to be truthful with me. That was the point of our bet... Does he have to lie even now, about something so insignificant?" - L said slowly, in a quiet monotone. Like a shy child, though it wasn't about shyness really, more like fatigue, reluctance.
It didn't change the fact that Ryuuzaki was telling bullshit. Like Light had nothing else to do but lie... Wouldn't it be boring finally? Especially, when there was no point in doing so? After all, what could lying in such a situation gain him? Only additional problems. Though, it didn't look like being truthful was doing him well too... Over-thinking things could be as dangerous as not thinking at all. Unfortunately, L had positive inclinations to do the first... Often. And to Light's utter discontent.
"Firstly, I don't think it's insignificant if you're asking and more so if you're so obstinate to have an answer that you think is real. Secondly, I am not lying. I wouldn't have a reason to and I gave you my word that I would not. A bet is a bet and I have my honour. Even if you think otherwise. So, sorry to disappoint you but there is no other answer. The one that I gave you already is the right one, the only one. If you still don't believe me, I can only say that fear is simply not logical as it is... So why would have my answer be logical?" - Maybe Light should be more delicate, bearing today's incidents in his mind, but he was not ready, and probably never will be, to bend to L's every command, request or whim. Some of them were simply to silly and unlikely. After all, who would blatantly lie to please the other, hiding and changing own personality, views, knowing the truth all along...?
Actually, Light knew that many would, but not him. He was firmly opposed to reaching a new stage of paranoia if he could avoid it...
"Maybe Light-kun could make it more logical? In all my intelligence, I cannot comprehend how exactly can Light-kun find fear terrifying. Being afraid is the outcome, not the cause..." - L seemed a bit more composed now. Probably the effect of his brain being busy with figuring Light out.
If Light's previous answer resulted with L relaxing some, he could even endure usual accusations about him telling lies and other similar absurdities L could come up with sometimes. However, there would be no harm in explaining his reasoning to L, right? It should please L and buy Light peace from the man's questions and maybe even groundless suspicions. Besides, among all those things, he felt like being truthful with him, even without the prospects of personal gain. Light's feelings for L were changing him very slowly in some ways that, in spite of the boy's acknowledgement of the love itself, he wasn't quite ready to admit.
"It's the influence that fear holds upon a person that scares me the most. Because it is, as we said before, illogical and human reactions while suffering from it are much the same. One starts ignoring what is around and acts mostly on instincts dictated by the feelings stirred by that fear, not always matching the reality, free from the products of a frightened mind and along with it imagination, which can be a powerful enemy, hard to win upon. It is an ideal ground for trouble of various kind. Serious ones as well..."- Light said calmly, while L didn't stop biting on his, now strongly tormented, thumb.
"Simply, Light is afraid of losing control over himself and doing something he would certainly regret while in fear and what he wouldn't do while being his normal self. Hence, the scare of fear in raw form, not of a concrete thing, person or such..." - L more stated than asked. Light only smiled with understanding. He was expecting such an assumption on L's account.
"I cannot deny that you're correct, but... not entirely. It is true that thoughts of damaging something very important for me or... dear to my heart because of momentarily, let it call, blindness caused by certain things make me cringe and experience uncertainty, awe, though... I dread fear so strongly because it can also affect those around me. And it's hard to fight with others' fear, help them, when you can only see contours of it, when you guess, presume. When you interact with the frightened one, when you don't want the connection between the two of you to be broken... you could say that you are as good as if with bound hands. It practically calls for skills of a magician. One's that you need to learn with time. And time is probably the worst opponent if you are to stand against it..." - Light stated, looking straight into L's eyes. He could almost hear the motion of the mechanism called L's brain.
Light was aware of the obvious allusion present in his words. It wouldn't be there if it wasn't his intention. He wanted L to know, so he had told him but giving him a way out, time to reconsider his words and an offer that was hidden in them. An offer of a person that was ready to listen and try to help, to understand, give reassurance and not only take. An offer of a friend and not necessarily a lover. And it was for L to decide if he would choose it and what he will choose, as those words were another affirmation of Light's feelings in a way, though not so direct in form.
"Light-kun is sometimes more complex than I give him credit for. Maybe more... empathic. Or rather... emotional?" - he asked, pondering aloud. Light wasn't sure if it was actually a question or not.
"I don't think I hide my emotions. Well, at least not when I'm around you. You should just recall all the moments when I flared with anger. And recently... I am certain you remember. Me around other people is a different story..." - Light said after a moment of hesitation. - "The part about empathy is the one I could agree with. Not that many except you notice that my usual... politeness and helpfulness... doesn't come to me as naturally as it seems."
"An euphemism I would call it, definitely..." - the corner of L's mouth twitched delicately – an L-smile that was, by Light's standards of course. If he was still stressed, he hid that well for now. It was amazing how fast that man could compose himself after his panic attacks. It made Light almost doubt if they ever took place. You had to be a patient, very perceptive observer to find the small signs of L's distress if it wasn't in the middle of a fight or heated discussion. Light learned with every day...
"Well, yes... I hope you're done with the excruciating inquisition of my humble persona. I wouldn't like to be accused of stealing your precious time, would I? Not that I don't like having you concentrated on me." - Light smiled lightly.
"I must agree with Light-kun that we should put our time to better use and give out orders to the other members of the group regarding the investigation. There are many things that have to be done at this point. The imprints of the tires from the crime scene are already being examined in order to find a match of a car and we should shortly receive a detailed information of the results. The same with the footprints found there. As for the information given to us by Kenshin-san, we will split into groups in order to save time." - L stated fast.
"You decided when Kenshin-san was still here, didn't you? It's like you had a microprocessor in your head... Not that it's something new to me. I presume that you also know who would be doing what?"
"Light-kun should stop wasting his breath to say obvious things like that, as his logics is as good as mine most of times and he had probably the same view on how to proceed with the investigation as I. And yes, I have taken the liberty to decide on the distribution of work." - he confirmed.
"So...? Care to enlighten me?" - Taking information from Ryuuzaki was an exhausting process sometimes...
"If Light-kun insists... Mogi-kun and Aizawa-kun are going to try to find the vehicle described by Kenshin-san and go to the Akihabara district in seek of valuable information. The two of us will be occupied with making a list of possible criminals, which isn't so easy if we take the population of this town into account, as well as the recent visitors. Matsuda-san is responsible for finding out were one can buy a red, male dungaree which should take him some time... As for Watari, he is busied with laboratory work. And so, as we established that, I think it's time to operate instead of talk." - L said, moving from the couch they were still settled on.
Light, probably out of instinct, reached out for the man's shoulder to stop him and ask if he wanted him to inform the team about the plan or if he would held a meeting, which was more likely. Though, when Light's hand reached its destination, L flinched visibly and abruptly broke the physical contact.
"Do not touch me, Light-kun." - L said somewhat harshly and left the room without any other word. He wasn't quite composed yet after all...
Light cursed under his nose, not moving for a moment. Time, right? L needed time... But as much a Light wanted to give it to the man who seemed to desperately need it, he knew that it was his ally as much as his adversary.
Three days passed and they were still meticulously working at the possible suspects list. Though they were looking for an employed, blond male above the average hight and approximately between the age of twenty to fifty, the process of elimination was rather arduous, despite of the high technology they had access to and their uncommon intellects. Even with the knowledge that their task was crucial, Light had enough of it... Constant, hours-long sitting in front of the computer, in an unhealthy, shaded in the morning and dark in the evening room thanks to a certain detective was gradually driving him crazy.
Maybe he wasn't professional after all, because L, contrarily to him, didn't say a word of complain. On the opposite, he continually encouraged Light to focus and work hard. His choice of words in those situations made Light cringe even more, but he managed to not comment on it as harshly as he would like to. He counted it as a personal achievement and that of a higher rank... That's why he probably still continued his boring task of going through personal data of the citizens of Tokyo.
How L managed to access all of this information without anyone supervising them was beyond Light. Because they weren't using only police database, which wasn't a problem if one was L, but data of some influential individuals that was highly confidential. Individuals whose existence was sometimes taken as a rumour, as no one seemed to see them in person. One have the right to be surprised at that in the least... On the second hand... he was working with L. The man definitely has some underground informants and connections. Other way he wouldn't be the best detective as such things were practically mandatory in that kind of a job, as much as Light was opposed to the mere thought of it. However, reality was reality. It would be hard to change anything about that particular thing, no matter who would be the person trying... Light was tempted to actually ask how L obtained the information. There was too much work to focus on already, so he tamed his curiosity for the time being.
So now he was back where he left off, that is whining to himself about the boredom that was starting to overpower him. They said that intelligent people couldn't be bored? Dare they say it to him in this moment... He was bored out of his mind, though he definitely wasn't less than brilliant... It was just that he lost interest in the things that stopped holding any form of challenge for him and his current activity certainly did. Approximately a half and a day ago... And now he was dangerously close to banging his head into the desk before him, desperate for even a smallest change in their present routine.
"As much as Light-kun's assistance is in order, his humours and sulks are a nuisance. Their ruin the atmosphere, so he should simply put an end to them and focus on what's valid." - L said suddenly.
Light snapped his head from the monitor that he was looking blankly at for some time now, directing his gaze at the detective, his expression clearly disbelieving.
"Atmosphere? I ruin the atmosphere? Are you daft or something? I don't know how in yours, but in my world Ryuuzaki, something must exist first in order to be blighted, you know? And I cannot see what kind of atmosphere we had that I could have possibly ruined..." - the boy replied slightly angry. Boredom wasn't doing him any good obviously...
"It's atmosphere of concentration and dedication to work, Light-kun." - L didn't cast a single glance at Light... for a change. The boy tried not to react on his growing irritation.
"And how could I possibly hindered it without uttering a single word, may you tell me?" - he asked through greeted teeth. When did he become so easily riled?
"Light-kun emanating with negative fluids was enough to do it." - he said matter of factly. Light lost his patience. It was ridiculous! So he stood up from his seat and moved to the door.
"What is Light-kun doing exactly?" - the man finally moved his head into his direction.
"I'm freeing you from my, as you wisely called them, negative fluids by leaving the room. And as I refuse to listen to your nonsensical remarks, it's a win-win situation, isn't it?" - he smiled crookedly.
However he didn't manage to fulfil his promise because Watari rushed into the room, his face serious. He had never seen him in such a hurry before.
"L, Light-kun I'm afraid that Aizawa-kun has been shot..."
The first thought that appeared in Light's mind was that he got what he asked for - a change of the routine. Unfortunately, not in a pleasant form... Not in the slightest...