Vulcans don't Fart

Spock and Jim are stuck in a malfunctioning turbo lift with embarrassing consequences

Please be kind as this is my first story that I have ever wrote for public viewing. I needed a good laugh and my typing fingers just took on a life of their own. I really could use a good Beta for my stories because my punctuation, etc. really sucks. I accept all construction criticism.

Don't own em. Just play with them.

Kirk was never so glad when the festivities on the planet Evo ended. They were celebrating their admission into the Federation after 2 long years of negotiations.

Spock and himself were the only one's who had attended the dinner and he was already feeling the effects of the very spicy cuisine and strong alcohol. He wondered how they even had stomachs with food like that.

As soon as he got on board he made a beeline for his quarters without so much as a word to Spock.

When he entered his cabin he headed straight for the head groaning. He knew he was going to regret the spicy food he consumed by the way his stomach was protesting.

Half an hour later he emerged while fanning the air. Man, I must get an air freshener in there.

He decided that he was going to make a quick visit to the bridge to make sure everything was running smoothly before he went to bed.

He reminded himself that Scotty was going to be making some repairs on some of the turbo lifts and they would be out of service for awhile.

As he was walking toward the lift on his deck he saw Spock coming from his quarters and it looked like he was heading to the bridge lift also.

Ah, Mister Spock, looks like your going my way. Care to share a lift

Since we are the only ones standing here, the likely hood of us sharing the same lift is 100%.

Yea, unless I make you take the next one, Kirk joked.

That would be unwise.

Captain, may I inquire as to why you are going to the bridge at this late hour? You have had a long day with the negotiations and you should take this time to rest. I am sure that the bridge is running quite efficiently or we would have been notified of any irregularities.

Jim looked at his First Officer with a fond smile.

Jim. Spock you can call me Jim when we are not on duty.

Anyway you know me, I just don't feel right until I have checked on the kiddies and make sure they have been playing nice and put all their toys away.

Capti……Jim, I do not believe any of the bridge crew will be playing with children's toys! It is forbidden for anyone to bring anything on the bridge that would cause any kind of disrupt……….

I know, I know, just humor me.

At that moment Jim's stomach started making growling sounds and squishy noises, like water gurgling.

Spock looked over at Kirk and then down at his stomach.

Jim, are you feeling well?

Jim grimaced and rubbed his stomach. I guess my stomach is getting back at me for all that spicy food I ate on Ero's.

Spock just looked at Kirk and his stomach again wondering what other kind of strange noises it would make next.

I wonder what is taking this turbo lift so long, Jim wined, still rubbing his stomach and wondering if he should instead go back to his quarters.

Mr. Scott's report did not specify he would be working on this lift Spock said, still fascinated by the additional little gurgles coming from Kirks stomach.

Well, then what's wrong with it.

Did you press the little button Jim, Spock asked with a faint smile on his lips.

(Smirk) No Spock I was hoping you would use your telepathy and ask the computer to indulge us.

Spock blinked twice at Kirk. Ah.. levity…a joke, very amusing.

Just before Kirk could get in another good comeback, the turbo lift doors opened.

Well, it's about time Jim complained. It would only be a few seconds now and he could go to the Bridge head.

They both stepped in and Kirk hit the button for the bridge, none too gently.

The lift shuddered a bit and began to move. Spock noticed that it was slower then what it should be. After about 10 seconds it stopped with a jolt. The lights began to flicker on and off.

Jim hit the intercom button to the bridge. Kirk to the bridge.

Uhura answered the hail. Yes Captain, how can I help you.

Wellll…. for starters Spock and I are stuck in the turbo lift to the bridge. Where is Mr. Scott?

He's …..kind of busy ……..sir. She looked over at Scotty sitting on the floor with a bunch of wires hanging out of the control panel next to the turbo lift.

With a bit of aggravation in his voice Kirk said. Tell him his Boss would like to speak to him if he would be so kind…………… and still wants to keep his job.

Kirk could hear Uhura saying something to Scotty.

There was some shuffling noise and then Scotty was on the com.

Sir?

Hello Mr. Scott, how are you today?

Well…Ah fine sir, and You?

??

Scotty my man, Kirk said gritting his teeth as a sharp cramp ran through his intestines. Would you be so kind as to tell me why you have imprisoned Mr. Spock and your Captain in the bridge turbo lift, he said sweetly?

Mutuny issssss a court martial offence I'm sure you are aware of, and I heard that keel hauling is the new punishment now.

Sorry Captain, but we had a major electric failure in the in the main turbo junction and it's kind of a mess right now.

How long do you think it will take to repair it?

I have all my men working on it sir.

How Long?

Ah…Soon.

Scotty?

It should nay take but 2 or 3 hours sir.

Kirk banged his forehead on the wall a few times. His stomach started rumbling again and he could feel the pressure building up as a sheen of sweat broke out on his forehead. There was no way he was going to make it that long in here without his intestines exploding.

Ok…Don't panic, Don't panic, he keep telling himself as he looked over at Spock who was calmly waiting in his oh so patient and calm way.

Mr. Scott, is there anywayyou could possibly make it any sooner then that, Kirk almost begged.

Spock glanced over to Kirk wondering why he seemed so nervous and tense. He knew it could not be claustrophobia as Jim would never have passed the Academy training unless he somehow got around that that also.

Captain, Scotty replied, I am doing the best I can and as soon as we find the problem, I will let you know. Scott out. He quickly cut the connection.

Kirk glared at the intercom like he wanted to rip it off the wall.

Jim, came the soft voice next to him. If I may ask a personal inquiry?

If you're going to ask me to kiss you, forget it. I only do that after the second date.

Spock was speechless for a few seconds, but was able to compose himself and explained to Kirk that it would not be professional for the Captain and First Officer to engage in that type of activity. I believe that Star Fleet would frown on that kind of behavior between officers.

Kirk leaned back against the opposite wall and pinched the bridge of his nose as if he had a headache.

Spock……I was….only….kidding, Kirk said slowly. Then he began to snicker and slide down the wall to sit.

Have a seat Spock he sighed, we are going to be roomies for awhile.

After about 45 minutes Spock slowly sat down on the other side of the lift facing Kirk. He still kept looking at Kirks stomach as though some alien was going to erupt from it, with all the noises it was still making.

Kirk closed his eyes and prayed to all the Gods that he could hang on for just a bit longer as he tried to squirm without Spock noticing.

Jim?

WHAT? ……… Sorry Spock, I didn't mean to snap at you.

It was getting harder and harder for him to concentrate.

Spock paused for a few seconds and continued. You seem to be distressed? May I ask what is causing you to be this way?

Kirk looked down at his hands in his lap, smiled and thought, if he only knew, his poor, poor Vulcan friend.

Are you claustrophobic Spock asked?

No.

There is nothing to be ashamed of if you are Jim, I just want to hel……………

I'm not, Kirk snapped, squeezing his eyes shut, trying to get through the next cramp without looking like anything was wrong.

Spock looked thoughtful as he eyed his Captain. Then I fail to see what has made you seem so uneasy and distressed.

Yeah, well right now I wish I was just claustrophobic because what I am going to do next Mr. Spock is going to make me feel really, really bad….for you.

Spocks eyebrows went up. Why would you feel…..bad for me?

Jim could not help it but he started to snicker and put his hands over his face.

Spock, please forgive me for what I am about to do, but I just can't hold it any longer. He grunted and the next thing he heard was the sound. OMG. It seemed to reverberate off the walls and echo all around him. It went on forever and ever.

Jim was not sure how much time had passed but was afraid to put his hands down and look at Spock. He knew his face was so red and his checks were burning along with the ones he was sitting on.

He didn't hear a sound.

His first thought was that Spock found a way to get out of the lift and had left Kirk there.

Ever so slowly he opened his hands up to peek.

What he first saw was the look on Spocks face. It was the look of fear. His eyes were wide open, both eyebrows lost in his hair somewhere. He was crouched in a defensive poise at the furthest part of the lift.

Jim did not think he had ever seen Spock look so funny.

He was trying so very hard not to break out laughing hysterically.

His face was getting ever redder and redder until he completely lost it. He was laughing so hard, he could hardly catch his breath.

Spock still had not moved at all. His expression seemed to be frozen on his face, which made Kirk start laughing all over again. When he was finally down to just snickering he looked back up at Spock.

Well…. THAT was embarrassing, don't you think? (snicker, snicker)

Spock still did not move except for a slight twitch of his nose.

The smell was really, really bad as Jim thought of how sensitive Vulcan noses were.

He put his own hand over his nose and mouth and looked over at Spock.

Well, he muffled between his fingers, should dissipate soon. The ship has good ventilation.

Still no movement from Spock.

Kirk was starting to get a bit worried.

Hey Spock……are you…… OK?

Didn't damage your hearing or anything he said a bit loud. Did it?

Still Nothing.

Maybe he scared him so bad he was in shock. Jim tried waving his hand in the air.

Enterprise to Spock, are you in there?

Jim slowly started crawling across the deck towards Spock when he heard this low growl. It sounded like a cat growling.

Jim stopped and stared at Spock a moment and asked, did…….did you just……. growl at me?

The growling sound grew even louder.

OOOOKay…….. I will just go back over here. He slowly crawled back to his side of the lift.

He could still hear a very faint growling.

After a few uncomfortable minutes Jim saw movement as Spocks eyes blinked a few times and he seemed to be coming out of his coma.

Spock, I am so sorry, but sometimes a guy just can't help it. Haven't you blown one before in the presence of someone……….. accidentally, huh?

How it just sneaks out when you least expect it…….No?.

Boy I thought my intestine's was going to explode he chuckled. You should be happy THAT didn't happen.

Silence

Come on, wake up Spock……… Pleeeese.

I really don't want to have to tell Star Fleet that I killed my First Officer with my fart. Now that would be really embarrassing and… "funny". Don't you think??

Plus it wouldn't' look to good on my record ya know. Id never be able to keep a crew (snicker).

Spock was finally able to gain control over his eyebrows and let them slide down his forehead slowly. His dark black eyes were shooting holes in Kirk's face like laser beams.

Never taking his eyes off of Kirk, he started to relax his body and slow his heart rate back down, while unclenching his fists.

That's it, take it nice and slow now, Kirk urged. I know it must have been a shock to your system and all, but you're doing fine. I tried to warn ya bud, but (snicker)……Uh..we are still bud's ….right?

Suddenly the lift jerked and started to move.

Wow, just in time Jim mumbled as he stood up and glanced over his shoulder as Spock was fixing his uniform and trying to look nonchalant.

Kirk leaned toward Spock as he was standing up and whispered, Look, next time were stuck in the Turbo Lift you can just let one rip. Really. I won't even say anything or act like anything happened. Ok?

There was a low murmur from Spock, but Kirk couldn't quite hear him.

Sorry Spock but I didn't catch that?

Just as the doors opened up, Spock briskly walked around him and stopped while blocking the door.

He slowly turned around and faced Jim leaning forward where he was only inches from Kirk face. His eyes were nearly glowing. He took a deep breath and with clenched teeth he quietly said, Vulcan's don't fart, and he turned and walked over to his station.

Kirk feeling a little put out that Spock didn't forgive him, walked over to his chair sat down tapping his fingers on the arm rest, smiled and announced, "Hey you guys, you should have heard the fart that Spock just ripped in the Turbo Lift." It was totally Awesome.

Laughter ensued all around the bridge except for Spock, who's eyebrows had disappeared again and his face and ears were turning a rather good shade of green, all the while trying to decide what body parts that Kirk could do without, and still be able to captain the ship.

After a moment, still snickering, Jim looked over at Spock smiling and found Spock looking back at him with a real scary smirk on his face, hinting of payback.

Jim's smile faded and he shivered.

Turning back to the forward screen he said to Sulu. Mr. Sulu, Break Wind,……. I mean orbit.

The End

Not sure if I am going to take it any further. Depends on the reviews I get. Spock's payback could be very entertaining. Maybe touch on why Vulcans don't Fart. Or is Spock just fibbing. Will See. Please review.