We Are Nowhere and it's Now

Category: Angst/Romance

Pairing: Sparky

Summary: In seconds he had her crushed against his chest, breathing in the contact as if it were the only thing keeping him alive.

Warnings: No specific spoilers, but is post-Elizabeth.

Disclaimer: I own a cat, very cute, brought in a lizard today... but unfortunately nothing in relation to Stargate Atlantis.

Authors Notes: It's been a while since I've written a sparky fic but after watching seasons 1 through to 4 again, I felt a little cheated and needed to make myself feel better. Inspired by the Buffy episode, "The Weight of the World."

The familiar grey wall loomed with bating annoyance as John ran his ringers over the smooth texture. A year ago the passageway had meant nothing to him, a means from point A to B, but over recent months he'd come to learn every detail of the unimportant junction; every line, every groove, every delicate paint stroke and it still meant nothing.

Turning from the Lantean design, he subconsciously held his breath despite knowing with absolute certainty she would be standing behind him, poised in the light of the dimly lit hall.

She always was, haunting his dreams, paving her way through his dormant mind to lead them back here. He didn't understand. The perplexing state existed beyond his comprehension, never blurring like an ordinary delusion. In this world, this time and place that was void from reality, the colours were crisp, bright, holding their own edges.

And at first he hadn't cared, too absorbed by the tangible moment.

Everything about her was as he remembered and yet it was far from anything his mind could recreate; the smell of her light perfume, the empathy radiating from her warm green eyes, even the way she held her body was impeccably accurate.

But the novelty was wearing thin, taken over by the gnawing sensation that there was something more to her 'visits', something important he was missing.

"Elizabeth..." he breathed out with an expression akin to pain, terrified that questioning her motives would shatter the fragile walls surrounding them. It mightn't be real but that didn't mean he wanted it to end, prepared to give anything for a few more seconds with her in any capacity.

Dropping his hand from the wall he took a hesitant step forward, spurred on by his desire to find the evasive truth. There had to be a reason behind the manifestation, a link drawing them to this particular spot and his gaze skimmed their location for answers.

To his left there was a potted plant, adding a burst of colour to the otherwise mundane corridor and over her shoulder was a rounded corner which, he knew from memory, led to a spiral stair case. It wasn't much to go on but the biggest clue came in the form of a clock hanging on the wall, an earthly touch that at the time of it's placement, had probably held little significance.

Now it meant everything... for the hands were always in the same position, fixed on a point that remained unseen to him

"What is it," he questioned softly, "what's so special about this place, this exact moment? Did something happen?"

"It's not important-" she moved with eloquent grace, dismissing his concern. Time was relative, it meant nothing... but despite harbouring the revelation there was still a lingering sense that, in this place, they didn't have enough of it; an imprint from being human that echoed strongly in her mind. "You're doing well, all of you."

Her gaze faltered, fearing the admission was too much.

It was already pushing the boundaries by appearing to him in such a corporal state but she would never be able to cut herself off completely, not like they wanted. Even with the knowledge of the universe at her fingertips she still sought out his tiny spark which was almost, but not completely, lost to the blinding lights of her new existence. No matter how small by comparison, it would always guided her home, back to him.

"Elizabeth," he stepped forward slightly, "you're the one that keeps bringing us back here and as nice a spot as it is, there must be a reason..."

He was careful not to make physical contact, not sure if the act was even possible, but his eyes shone with the same reassurance any touch would've conveyed. "Talk to me, tell me what's going on, please."

A sigh broke her lips as she conceded to the admission. "This is where it happened, right after Carson-" she stopped suddenly, losing the sentence in a hitched breath and his face softened in response, diverting her back from the loss of their friend.

"Where what happened?"

"The moment I realised we'd lost." Her tone held a note of finality as she revealed the real reason that had come to plague them both, "...when I realised that the casualties and consequences of our actions weren't enough to compensate the outcome."

"Elizabeth-"

"No." She pre-empted his words of comfort, determined to give him the entire truth. "I stopped, just for a second, right there-" her hand motioned across at the wall, "and I felt the defeat as if it were tangible but more than that, I welcomed it, wanted it..."

"You were under a tremendous amount of stress-" he interjected, trying to relay that she should feel no guilt over the emotion, but she just shook her head sadly.

"I wanted it to end." Her face twisted into a look of shame, "I gave up."

"Stop it-" his tone held force, trying to break through her stubborn wall of self pity, "you had a moment of doubt, that's all. Do you know how many times I've thought the exact same thing?" She lowered her head indicating she was unaware and he pushed forward, almost regretting the honest admission. "I'll tell you... nearly every damned day since I left you behind!"

There was a beat of silence and he watched her gaze snap up, lowering his voice to match her pained expression, "there's a big difference between wishing for something and acting on it. You didn't give up, never stopped fighting, and if that's what's keeping you from moving forward then you have to let it go."

The drawn to conclusion hit him only moments after the words left his mouth; she would be gone, leaving him for good.

He inwardly winced.

She had left him a long time ago. This arrangement, was at best a last ditch effort from his subconscious to keep her memory alive. No matter how lucid if felt believing any other explanation would come at a cost; possibly his sanity.

Elizabeth tilted her head, picking up on his thoughts by way of intuition. "You still doubt this is real?"

He shrugged half heartedly. Given everything they'd seen the idea that she'd some how managed to ascend before the nanites took over wasn't that much of a stretch, but his reluctance to buy into the belief was more an act of self preservation than anything. Despite current circumstances, he'd let go, moved on... and he knew with absolute certainty that if he went back, he wouldn't have the strength to go through it again.

"You're stronger than you think," she pointed out softly, "you wouldn't be here if you weren't.

He turned away from her in disagreement, pushing the words back over his shoulder, "you're wrong."

However it panned out, real or not, he was weak for not ending it sooner. The longer they continued this tag team between consciousness, the more it stood to hurt them both. "I've given you closure Elizabeth, whatever else you need, I really hope you find it."

Each step away from her sent a jolt slamming through his chest but he didn't falter. Any way they ended it, it wouldn't ease the slow monotonous ache that would find him upon waking. The only comfort he could hope for was not drawing it out any longer than necessary.

Around him the walls started to blur, flickering between realities like a technical glitch but her confession held steady, "I need you, John."

The words drew the breath from his lungs, solidifying the corridor under his gaze. Perhaps he was sadistically seeking the pain, but he didn't move forward, waiting for her to continue.

"I know that I shouldn't-" she pursed her lips together, searching the ceiling as if it held all the answers, "there's nothing rational, no better explanation I can offer... I can't let go because all I see is your face, your eyes telling me to come home."

The admission was so raw that he turned sharply, unable to force down his own emotion as it surged to the surface, "then don't try! We know it's possible for ascended beings to re-take human form, if that's really what this is, then you have a choice-" despite his precautions, he felt the walls around his heart start to crumble, "don't leave, come back to me."

Her vision swam with tears and she wiped the moisture, bowing her head in regret. "I wish it were that simple."

"It is-" he closed the distance between them, reaching out to take her hand, "or at least, it can be."

To his surprise she didn't disappear when their fingers met, in fact the action seemed to propel a force between them and in seconds he had her crushed against his chest, breathing in the contact as if it were the only thing keeping him alive.

Regret sprang forth as he buried his head firmly into the crook of her neck, the desperate hold a reminder of everything he'd lost. There had never been any time for sentiment, even less for contemplating a life without her, but the seconds that passed between them when she ordered him to leave her behind, would stretch on his mind forever.

I'm sorry-" he closed his eyes shuddering against her body, "god Elizabeth, I'm so sorry... for everything."

There was nothing left, no defences to fall back on. He was leaving his heart out to be butchered and he only prayed, if it ended, that the dream would fade with the rising light above the city. That the empty corridor would hold nothing more than a sense of deja-vu as he passed between the vaguely familiar walls.

She squeezed his arm, the tight embrace preventing her from giving verbal reassurance. Circumstances had led them here, not either of their actions, and she wanted nothing more than to ease to guilt behind his broken apology.

Savouring the moment, she dug her nails further through the thick material of his jacket, holding on to the safety his body offered. Once again the impression of waning time was breaching her senses, finding her with a heavy coldness, and she knew it was from having a sustained presence for far too long. Perhaps it was prudish but the stunted growth of humanity was starting to wash over her, threatening to once again trap her in a life bricked up by seconds and minutes.

Sliding her hands across, she placed a small amount of pressure against his chest bringing distance between them. He seemed to understand the intended movement and stepped back, swallowing the lump that burned tightly in his throat as he let his fingers linger for a moment longer.

"I guess this means that I wont be seeing you on the other side?" He finally dropped his hand with a sigh, knowing anything more profound than the obvious statement would shatter him.

She merely quirked her lips in response. "Goodbye John."

He wanted to protest, scream until his lungs burnt from the excursion, but the walls began spinning before he could contemplate the action and his surroundings were thrust into darkness.

With a panicked breath he shot up, grasping the sheets that threatened to swallow his sweat soaked body. It had felt so real but, in contrast, he couldn't be sure; there was nothing solid, no evidence to suggest it was anything more than his mind playing tricks.

Running a tired hand through his hair, he closed his eyes, swallowing the dry air that rushed into his lungs. The memory was already starting to slip, falling victim to his sense of perception and part of him was relieved as the images slowly started to break away from each other, scattering the dream into something he could barely cling on to.

Gaining control over his rapid breathing, he immediately froze, hearing a second noise in the small room. It was faint, not entirely enough to convince him it was real, but even so his instincts drove him to become fully alert.

Willing the lights on he did a double take as his gaze landed on a another, entirely naked, presence in his room. Some part of his mind was alert enough to subconsciously dim the lights but the rest of him remained dormant, struggling to comprehend whether or not he was still dreaming.

"John?" Her voice sounded scared as she snaked her arms protectively over her chest and he immediately stopped trying to access the situation, grabbing the sheet off the bed and wrapping it tightly around her trembling shoulders.

"Are you okay, how did you-" he faulted, sensing her confusion. He remembered reading the file on Doctor Jackson, how he had suffered a bout of amnesia after returning from a higher plain, and he took a moment to calm his turbulent nerves.

"John... what's going on?" Her voice wavered as she struggled to push through the fog clouding her brain. Her mind was a devastated mess, filled with broken images and nonsensical thoughts; the only thing she was certain of was the man standing hesitantly before her.

Emotion chocked his response, leaving him short of an adequate answer. All he could do was stare into her terrified eyes, hoping that it was real and not some accumulative post stress disorder manifesting itself. Not trusting himself to make the judgement, he flung his hand back, grasping the headset that lay discarded on his bedside table.

Opening the channel, he requested that all three members of his team meet him in the infirmary.

"Elizabeth..." he breathed out, taking her hand with a gentle squeeze, "it's okay, you're going to be okay."

She nodded, growing weary under his tentative gaze. For some reason it felt like she hadn't slept in months and the sudden thrall of exhaustion spread relentlessly throughout her body, sending the room further and further from reach.

John slipped his arm around her waist, lifting her with ease as she lost consciousness.

It was still too soon to assume a victory, but when draws were the alternative he'd learnt to pray for, even the slightest lean their way gave him hope. If he could have Elizabeth back and safe on Atlantis, it was the win he stood to fight for.

After that, any battle; Wraith, Replicator, Genii, Goa'uld...

They would all be his for the taking.