The Atlantis Infirmary Rulebook

By Flossy

Disclaimer: The following story is a work of fan fiction, and as such is for fan enjoyment only. All recognizable characters/settings are the property of their respective owners. No copyright infringement is intended, and no profit is made. I've borrowed 'em again, apart from Bella who is my very own. She's shareable, by the way...

Summary: Carson's through with being 'Mr Nice Guy'...

Central Character(s): John, Rodney, Teyla, Elizabeth, Ronon, Carson, Radek, Lorne, Cadman, Heightmeyer, Kavanaugh, Nurse Bella and many, many more...

Category (ies): Humour, friendship.

Placement: Somewhere in between Seasons Two and Three. I think.

Rating: +12 for some bad language.

Spoilers: General ones for Seasons 1-3.

A/N: Following on from the surprising popularity and complete insanity of 'SGA-1's Survival Guide', I decided to have another crack at a rulebook: this time featuring Carson and his staff. The other main reason for this was that I desperately needed to write something funny – my last few fics have been either really violent, dark or seriously angsty and I needed a breather. There is a John!whump fic in the works, but that'll be done after this one.

Oh, and here's an interesting bit of trivia for you – remember the A/Ns at the start of 'Reflections in the Dark' when I explained about the botched hospital escape attempts that sparked an idea for a fic? Well, this is the end result. And yeah, I actually did try a couple of these and I can tell you from experience that THEY REALLY DON'T WORK. I'll leave it to your hyperactive imaginations to guess which ones I'm talking about...

I'm also gonna post this one in chapters, so if anyone has any ideas or flashes of inspiration, let me know so I can add you in. All suggestions will be fully credited too, so no worries there...

OoOoO

After the surprising success of SGA-1's Off-World Survival Guide, Dr Elizabeth Weir decided that each department should have its own set of rules and regulations. When asked for the reasons behind the idea, the dark haired expedition leader simply smiled and said that it would be a good morale booster for everyone.

What she didn't mention was the fact that now all of the off-world teams were more or less behaving themselves whilst on missions, their idiocy seemed to have spread through the city like wildfire. Quite frankly, she was astounded by the sheer stupidity on display in Earth's best and brightest. To test her plan out, she persuaded Dr Carson Beckett to write a trial version for the medical staff – or at least, that was the official version. She'd actually cornered the loveable Scotsman one evening and blackmailed him.

Carson wasn't too thrilled to be playing guinea pig, but the thought of everyone on base seeing video footage of him blind drunk and singing the X-Rated version of 'I'm a Little Teapot' while in drag made it hard for him to refuse.

And so it was that a couple of weeks later, the first chapter of the Atlantis Infirmary Rulebook appeared...

Rule 1: Never argue with Dr Beckett.

A. He gets mean when he's angry.

There had been an incident involving SGA-4 and several crates of emetics. No one really knew any of the details, other than the fact that Dr Zelenka had overheard a heated argument between Captain Flintlock and Carson. Even more suspicious was that their 'conversation' happened only hours before all of SGA-4 were admitted to the infirmary with severe stomach upsets. 'Food poisoning' was the official diagnosis, but everyone in the city suddenly started to pay much closer attention to this rule.

It also meant that the Chief of Medicine got the pick of desserts at every meal.

Rule 2: Do not bribe the nurses.

A. You're giving the doctors ideas.

B. The nurses won't share with us.

It had all started when Major Lorne had offered Nurse Cindy two boxes of Liquorice Allsorts if she could get him out of having a 'flu shot. The other nurses had gotten wind of it and now had a hugely successful business set up. Needless to say, they were not happy campers when Carson put this rule into force – they'd made a fortune in snacks.

Rule 3: Do not bribe the doctors.

The nurses were bordering on violence when the doctors usurped their racketeering scam, almost leading to all out war between the two sides. Nurse Cindy now had a broken arm, while Dr Lawrence was sporting a full length leg cast. It was only when Elizabeth got really angry that they called a truce of sorts.

On the bright side, it meant that neither group got first dibs on the popcorn supplies any more.

Rule 4: Do not bribe the Scientists.

A. Or the Military.

B. Or any of the Command Staff.

C. Stop it, people!

It seemed that everyone wanted in on the nurses' original scheme, Elizabeth included.

Rule 5: Do not flirt with any of the above.

Carson had been thinking of Major Lorne, Lieutenant Cadman, SGA-7 and SGA-13. Everyone else was thinking of John. Now John was upset and refusing to speak to Carson, SGA-7 were quietly plotting revenge, Lorne and Cadman couldn't stop laughing and Rodney was trying to make everybody else's lives hell for upsetting the feral haired pilot.

Rule 6: Do not try sneaking out of the Infirmary when you think no one's looking.

SGA-13 had tried this to avoid having their booster shots. After a three hour game of cat and mouse that covered most of the city, Carson eventually caught up with them. No one really knew what happened next, but the team spent the rest of the week walking funny.

Rule 7: You can't trick the Ancient scanners, even if you DO have an ATA supergene.

To avoid being placed on medical stand-down, John had tried to get Rodney to fiddle with the scanners to hide a broken bone in his hand. When Rodney's attempt to programme in an earlier scan failed, John attempted to charm the machine with his ATA gene. To cut a long story short, it wasn't successful, leaving John not talking to Rodney, who found the entire incident hilarious, and Carson on the warpath.

Rule 8: Do not start singing to get out of here quicker than normal.

For reasons that were really best left unknown, SGA-3 had decided that it was a good idea to serenade the medical staff so that they could be released a day early. They were very, very wrong, and also provoked the next rule...

Rule 9: Songs from 'The Sound of Music' are hereby banned from the Infirmary.

SGA-3 really should have stuck to something by Andrew Lloyd Webber – or mimed.

Rule 10: The Infirmary beds are NOT to be referred to as 'slabs of bone shattering agony'.

Carson overheard Rodney complaining about the mattresses and made the abrasive physicist come in for an extra set of vitamin shots. Rodney wasn't happy, but John thought it was hysterically funny and finally snapped out of his funk.

Rule 11: Stop trying to charm Nurse Bella.

A. It doesn't work.

B. You're scaring everyone, Ronon.

Nurse Bella, who was 6 foot 2 and built like a wrestler, was often referred to as the Medical Department's 'secret weapon' by John and Rodney. And for good reason – no one argued with her and lived to brag about it.

Ronon, however, tried to charm her in an effort to avoid having to use a wheelchair after an incident with a cliff. Although it didn't work (and left everyone more than a little concerned about the Satedan's current mental state), he came out relatively unscathed. Even more surprising was the fact that since then, Bella had been much more tolerant of his antics.

Rule 12: Do not use Dr Weir's make up as camouflage.

A. It makes you look like something out of 'The Rocky Horror Picture Show'.

B. She'll go postal.

C. EVERYONE will suffer.

When SGA-5 had returned from P9X-876 with a rather nasty viral infection, they had tried to conceal just how ill they looked by using Elizabeth's make up. Carson was less than amused, Elizabeth was ready to commit murder... and John and Rodney laughed themselves sick.

Rule 13: Hiding Dr Beckett's needles will not work.

A. He has LOTS of spares.

B. He'll find you.

C. Eventually.

Following in the footsteps of SGA-4, SGA-10 had resorted to hiding all of the Medical Department's syringes. It didn't end well and the team now found themselves subject to weekly 'vitamin' shots in rather delicate places.

Rule 14: Crutches were invented for a specific reason.

A. It wasn't to use them in the Atlantis version of the Egg and Spoon Race.

The Marines had gotten bored. When 23 people were admitted to the Infirmary, Carson went into meltdown, Elizabeth got a migraine and John yelled himself hoarse at those involved – mainly because they hadn't asked if he wanted to play.

Rule 15: Do not steal Dr Beckett's tea.

No one knew who had decided to abscond with the Scot's beloved tea stash or the reasons why, but when Carson went catatonic, the tea was promptly returned to his office with a huge banner saying: 'We're sorry, Doc'.

Rule 16: Do not spike said tea either.

As it turned out, the mystery tea thieves had replaced part of the used contents with an off-world equivalent. That would have been fine apart from the fact that the replacement was hallucinogenic. Elizabeth promptly confiscated the stash, replaced it with normal Earth tea and banned anyone from bringing unchecked substances back to the base. Carson was fine, once he'd stopped raving about the 'wee green raccoons of doom'.

Rule 17: Treat the Medical Personnel with respect.

A. That means YOU, Kavanaugh.

The long-haired bane of the Science Department had secretly filmed Dr Beckett's hallucinogenic tea high and decided to broadcast it throughout the city during a rest day. After the amount of death threats he received, he was forced to go into hiding.

Rule 18: Staging elaborate diversions so that you can escape from the Infirmary will not work.

SGA-9 had tried this. Nurse Bella and Ronon formed an unholy alliance and caught them. No one was saying anything about what happened next, but SGA-9 still flinched every time they saw brooms.

Rule 19: Neither does staging a fake Wraith invasion.

Whilst in the isolation ward after touching something they shouldn't have, John and Rodney had gotten bored and decided to stage a jail break by simulating a hologrammatic Wraith fleet. One thing led to another, and when the entire expedition went into hysterics, the boys were forced out of their hiding spot to 'fess up. They were both less than thrilled to discover that Carson had extended their Infirmary stay by a week.

Rule 20: Stop trying to pull rank.

When everything else failed, John tried this trick. He really hadn't learnt his lesson after the fake Wraith attack.

Rule 21: Do not use puppy dog eyes, fluttering eyelashes or excessive pouting whilst in the Infirmary.

John, Lorne, Teyla, Parrish and Cadman were disconsolate when this rule came into force. Everyone else just laughed.

Rule 22: Stop asking SGA-1 for escape tips!

The gang were officially busted. When an apoplectic Carson confronted them, they hastily apologised and promised not to do it again. Unfortunately, Carson saw Rodney cross his fingers behind his back and the team found themselves on domestic duty in the Infirmary for a month.

Thankfully, they only ended up cleaning bedpans for a week because Ronon lost his temper and beaned Rodney with one.

Rule 23: Do not skip pre and post mission check-ups.

Dr Weir enforced this rule when Carson started crying and claiming that no one liked him anymore.

Rule 24: Do not make Dr Beckett cry.

Everybody felt really bad for upsetting the Scotsman and promptly threw him a surprise party.

Rule 25: Sulking will not be tolerated.

SGA-1 were still unhappy about Rule 22 – and because they weren't allowed to go to the party.

Rule 26: Dr Beckett's penlight is strictly off limits.

A. That means EVERYONE.

B. Especially John and Rodney.

C. Period.

Certain well known expedition members (John and Rodney) had decided to invent new games to keep themselves amused during down time. 'Hide the Doc's Flashy Stick of Pain' had become incredibly popular with them. The only problem was that most of the base had started to play it on a regular basis and Carson had almost had a breakdown.

Rule 27: The Infirmary is not to be referred to as 'the pit of unending pain and despair'.

Rodney had struck again.

Rule 28: Gurneys are not skateboards, people!

John was teaching his men some very bad habits. When he, Lorne and Ronon had walked into Carson's lair sporting broken bones, concussions and various contusions, the Scotsman had blown a gasket. It was only thanks to some quick thinking and fast talking on Rodney's part that John's cherished skateboard was saved from the incinerator.

Rule 29: Lighters are hereby banned from the Infirmary.

A. Do not give SGA-12 anything that can start fires, people.

The expedition found out the hard way that SGA-12 were closet pyromaniacs. While recovering in the Infirmary after contracting the Pegasus Galaxy's version of Malaria, they had managed to set fire to several privacy screens and caused the fire extinguishers to go off. Although seeing the entire Medical Department covered in foam was amusing, Elizabeth ordered the rest of the base to keep an eye on SGA-6.

After all, no one actually knew where they'd managed to get the lighter from in the first place.

Rule 30: Dr Beckett's tea stash is strictly off limits.

A. Don't you all remember what happened last time?

B. PACK IT IN!

The tea thieves had struck again and Carson had skipped the catatonia and gone straight to postal. John and Rodney insisted on this rule to avoid any further bloodshed at the hands of a frighteningly violent Scotsman.

Rule 31: No more sparring after midnight.

After John, Ronon and Teyla had woken him up four nights running with a variety of Bantos rod inflicted cut and bumps, Carson had had enough and put his foot down. They were still sulking.

Rule 32: Stop complaining about the hospital scrubs.

Surprisingly, this wasn't anything to do with Rodney – SGA-6 had moaned for the better part of a day because they couldn't have the funky red scrubs. Oddly enough, when Carson gave them an evil grin and suggested that they might be more comfortable if they were naked, the complaints had ceased.

Rule 33: Do not threaten Dr McKay with lemons.

A. He really IS allergic to them.

B. It upsets Colonel Sheppard.

C. Colonel Sheppard is a scary man when he gets upset.

SGA-3 had heard about the lemon incident with Cameron Mitchell and decided to spike Rodney's coffee with lemon to see what would happen. Thankfully, John was nearby with an epi-pen when Rodney went into severe anaphylactic shock. SGA-3 were now grounded until further notice, mainly so that John couldn't kill them.

Rule 34: Leave the CPR dummy alone.

SGA-8 took a liking to the resuscitation doll for reasons that weren't exactly healthy, leading to Carson having to lock it away when not in use.

Rule 35: No more wrestling matches with Ronon.

In retaliation to Rule 31, John and Ronon had started to have wrestling matches. After Carson saw the state of them, he promptly banned the activity.

Rule 36: No more 'Congratulations on your Early Release' parties.

A. Also, stop referring to Infirmary stays as 'prison sentences'.

B. The same goes for discharges being known as 'Early Parole'.

No one really knew who started the trend – the Military blamed the Scientists, who blamed the Marines, who blamed SGA-1... All that was certain was that Carson was fed up with it and put his foot down when some of the nurses were reduced to tears.

Rule 37: Putting pillows in your bed to imitate yourself doesn't work.

A. We're not THAT stupid, people.

B. You're meant to be bloody adults!

Some of the expedition members really were 12 years old. John was the first person to try this method and even though it didn't work, soon nearly every member of the off-world teams thought they'd give it a go.

Rule 38: If one more person asks to borrow Dr Beckett's stethoscope so that they can play 'Doctors and Nurses', he'll sic Bella on you.

Carson really didn't want to know what people got up to in their spare time. And he was fed up of having to disinfect his stethoscope on a regular basis.

Rule 39: The MRI machine is a delicate piece of MEDICAL equipment.

The Science Department had been experimenting with magnetic fields and decided to use the MRI machine to test out a new gizmo. The resulting explosion destroyed said MRI machine. Carson was beyond anger while Rodney gave those involved the telling off of their lives – he was the one who was going to have to rebuild it at the end of the day. A couple of them still had the scars.

OoOoO

Tee-hee-hee! To quote the infamous Jack Sparrow – 'Couldn't resist, mate.' Like I said, any suggestions will be added and credited. Next part up in the next couple of days!