Leave Out All The Rest
Disclaimer: *shakes piggy bank* three nickels and a handful of pennies. Not exactly the investments of someone who owns anything more than her own creativity.
A/N: I'm not sure I'm entirely happy with how this turned out…anyway, it's loosely based on the song "Leave Out All The Rest" by Linkin Park. Lyrics at the end. I don't have much to say here, except…I hope you like it. I will update Living And Dying, hopefully soon. But I have major brain block and I'm not making much headway. I will try harder! Major thanks to everyone who's sticking with me, despite my wishy-washy behavior. *bow* This chap is for Anda-nee, and my cousin Virginia, who doesn't even read fanfic, and whom I still have not convinced to watch TOS.
Eternal love and thanks to Anda-nee, who edited this chapter for me, and caught a few terrible errors. Thanks, sis!
Jim stood in the center of the room, watching his mate sleep. The human smiled: his Vulcan looked so peaceful while he slept. He watched quietly as Spock stirred, smiled when he blindly reached Jim. His hand fell on empty blankets.
"Jim?" Spock sat up, hair slightly mussed, and looked around.
"Over here," Jim told him, grinning at the sight of a tousled, bleary Spock. It was something no one else got to see, and Jim was glad of that. If any of the women on the ship had seen it, they would have been all over the First Officer.
"Jim?" the Vulcan called again, more sharply. His sleepiness was gone. "T'hy'la?"
Jim frowned. "I'm right here, love."
Spock's eyes swept over the room...and right through Jim. "Jim?"
A cold feeling settled in the bottom of his stomach. Couldn't Spock see him? "Spock, I'm here. I'm standing right over here."
Spock jumped out of bed and began to throw on clothes. Jim followed. "Spock, I'm here. What are you doing? Can't you see me, I'm right behind you." Spock showed no sign of hearing and walked around the room, clearly looking for something. Jim stepped in front of him as the Commander walked toward the door, and waved a hand in front of his mate's face. "Spock, hon, I'm right here. Yoo-hoo!"
He stopped when the door was at his back and reached out to grab Spock's shoulders-"Spock, it's Jim, right here!"-...and was shocked and terrified when Spock walked straight through him. Jim stood, stunned, for a moment, before he chased after his bondmate.
"T'hy'la! Spock, listen to me, turn around, I'm here!"
But Spock kept walking. Jim caught up with him and flitted around him, praying he would be seen, seeking reassurance. He received none. Spock stepped into the turbolift.
"Bridge," Spock ordered. Jim could see the subtle hints of tension on his lover's face, and he knew why. It was an unspoken rule between them that if one woke and needed to leave the quarters, they had to leave behind an explanatory note. Even now that they had the bond, neither broke this rule. The bond-!
Jim, who was beginning to hyperventilate, shoved against the bond, determined to make Spock see...and reeled back in fear. Something was blocking their bond. He realized then that he could feel nothing of Spock, and suddenly his mind felt desolate and barren without the cool, calming presence of the Vulcan mind.
He followed as the lift opened and Spock marched onto the bridge, inquiring if anyone had seen the Captain. There was a unanimous 'no, sir' and Spock's jaw tightened slightly. Chekov and Sulu traded glances. Uhura gave Spock a questioning look. Without a word, Spock strode over to the science station, where the ensign on duty hastily backed away. The Vulcan leaned over and hit the comm. "Spock to Sickbay."
"Whaddaya want, Spock?" the Southern drawl answered, as irritated as ever. "Aren't you 'n Jim off-shift?"
"I am unable to locate the Captain, and wished to inquire if you know of his whereabouts."
"Ya lost him?" McCoy answered. "Sorry, he ain't down here. Can't ya use that Vulcan mind-link thing to find him?"
Spock's jaw clenched again. "I have attempted such, doctor. However, something seems to be blocking our bond." The entire bridge, eavesdropping shamelessly, as their penchant for gossip dictated, gasped at that.
"Shit," Bones swore. "Tell me yer joking." Spock was silent. "Nothing-nothing-is supposed to be able to block a Vulcan bond."
"I know, doctor," Spock responded quietly, a hint of worry seeping into his voice.
The CMO's voice was gentler. "I'll be up in a second, Spock. Try usin' the ship's computers to find him."
"An excellent suggestion. Spock out." He hit the comm and turned to the computer. "Computer. Locate Captain James T. Kirk."
Jim ran over to Uhura and made a face at her. "Uhura. Uhura, don't you see me? Nyota," he whispered. "Please, Nyota, please talk to me!" She turned back to her station.
He dashed to the helm. "Sulu? Hikaru, can you hear me? Come on, man. Pavel, I'm right here. Russia sucks!" Neither so much as glanced at their Captain.
He turned back to Spock. The computer chirped. "Kirk, James T. Location: Unknown. Not aboard ship."
Spock jerked back, shell-shocked. "Computer. Locate Captain James T. Kirk," he demanded again.
"Location: unknown. Not aboard ship."
Jim's world was spinning. What on Earth was going on?
"Computer. Locate Captain Kirk!"
"Location: Unknown. Not aboard ship."
Spock snarled. "Computer. Locate Captain Kirk!"
"Location: Unknown. Not aboard—"
"NO!" Spock roared, slamming a fist into the console. The metal buckled slightly under his super-human strength. Everyone on the bridge felt a twinge of fear as Spock pounded into the panel again, and again, awed and frightened by the display of strength, and the loss of control from their usually undauntable, imperturbable First Officer.
Jim tried to lay a hand on his shoulder, heart aching. "Spock," he whispered sadly. "Spock, hon, I'm right here. I'm here, love. Please, Spock…."
Jim's eyes burned. He could nothing but watch, as Spock slammed his fist into the station again.
Something tingled and he saw a hand slide through his own. Turning, he saw McCoy, who had a soft expression on his face. "Spock," the doctor said. "Come on, Spock. That's not gonna help anything. Let's go down to my office."
Wrapping an arm around the semi-hysterical Vulcan, Bones led him away. Jim trailed after them, beside himself.
"Bones! Bones, come on, you see me, don't you? Me, Jim? I'm right here, dammit, come on, Bonesie! Spock, stop looking like that, I'm right here!"
But they couldn't hear or see him.
Bones led the First Officer into his office and pushed him into a chair. He replicated some tea and shoved it at the Vulcan. "Drink," he ordered. Spock gulped it down. When he set the empty cup aside, he looked marginally calmer. McCoy leaned forward, putting his elbows on his desk. "Now. Tell me everything."
Spock took a breath and began.
"And it replied that he was not…was not aboard the ship," he finished.
McCoy sat back. "There wasn't a note for you?"
Spock gave the doctor a look, and he held up his hands in defense. "Hey, I'm just checking. That's real strange…" He rubbed his chin, and hit the comm. "Scotty."
"Aye, doc, what cannae do fer ya?" the Scotsman replied.
"You haven't seen Jim, have ya?
"The Cap'n? I canna say Ah have. Oy, laddies, ye havnae seen the Captain about, have ye? No, Leonard, he's not down here. Can ye not find 'im?"
"No, he's gone missing," McCoy growled.
"Again?"
"Yeah, but this time, the computer can't find him, and somethin's blockin' Spock's bond."
"Well, tha' doesna sound too gud," Scotty said, sounding distracted.
"Could he have transported down during the night?"
"I'll ask the boys and get back t' ya."
"Thanks, Scotty."
Sighing, he leaned back in his chair. He looked over his desk at Spock. "We'll find him, Spock. Even if we have to go over the ship bolt by bolt."
"And if he is not on the Enterprise, doctor?" Spock asked, voice deceptively even.
"We'll find him," McCoy insisted, looking determined. "We have to."
Jim could only watch in horror as Scotty called back, saying that nobody had beamed down during the night.
Spock and Bones split up, and as promised, went over the whole ship bolt by bolt. They reported their negative findings to one another after each section. They asked everyone they encountered if they had seen the Captain. All said no. Soon, crewmembers were shaking their heads whenever they caught McCoy's or Spock's eye. But no one else seemed particularly interested in searching for the errant commanding officer.
Three shifts, eighteen long hours later, they met in McCoy's office, exhausted, afraid, and Captain-less. Jim watched them, numb.
"There has to be somewhere we haven't checked," Bones said.
"We have searched the entire ship, including personal quarters. Jim is not on the Enterprise."
McCoy slammed a fist into his desk, angry. "He has to be. Where else could he go?"
"Nowhere," Jim answered, knowing it would do no good. "I didn't go anywhere."
"Doctor, we have gone so far as to search the Jefferies tubes, and Jim is nowhere to be found." Spock's voice was cold, but Jim could see the pain behind his mask. Evidently, so could McCoy. He placed a hand on Spock's arm.
"The bond isn't broken, right?"
Spock shook his head. "No. I am told that the breaking of a bond is extremely painful. I can feel nothing of Jim. I believe he is alive. Yet I cannot feel him at all. I am frightened, Leonard," Spock admitted quietly. "I am very frightened for my bondmate."
To Jim's utter horror, tears welled in Spock's eyes and spilled over, though his expression never changed. Surprised, he touched his face. The tears came thicker. Jim tried to embrace his mate, but fell through him.
Bones looked thrown and uncertain for minute, before he walked around the desk. "Hey, now," he said gently. He pulled Spock to his feet and gripped his upper arms tightly. Looking the First Officer square in the eye, he said, "It's gonna be okay, Spock." He hesitated briefly, and pulled Spock into a hug. Patting the surprised Vulcan's back, he murmured, "Don't you worry, Spock. We'll find him."
Spock let his face bury into McCoy's comforting shoulder. "It'll be okay, Spock. We're gonna figure this out. We are."
Jim watched, water staining his own cheeks, as his best friend comforted his mate.
After a short span of time, Spock pulled back. Wordlessly, McCoy handed him a tissue. Spock wiped his face and gave the doctor a small smile.
"Now, you're the acting captain 'til we find him. First, I think we oughta scan the whole damn planet under us. Our report said there aren't any life forms, but it wouldn't be the first time an advanced alien being was hiding on a supposedly primitive planet."
"Indeed. An excellent suggestion, doctor."
McCoy put a hand on Spock's shoulder. "The crew needs to be told," he said, eyes scanning the Vulcan's face. "D'you want me to do it?"
His hesitation was so brief that anyone who was not intimately familiar with his behavior would not have seen it. Jim and Bones did. "No," Spock responded quietly. "I am acting captain. I must put aside my emotions and perform my duty."
"All right." McCoy turned toward the comm on the wall.
After another barely discernible pause, Spock walked forward and hit the ship-wide button. "Attention, crew of the Enterprise. As many of you have likely surmised, Captain Kirk is no longer aboard the ship. He did not beam off at any time, nor did he commandeer a shuttlecraft. I am also unable to locate him through our bond." Spock's throat tightened minutely. "Therefore, I find it logical to assume that he has been kidnapped an unknown alien race."
"I haven't," Jim injected dully form where he sat against the wall.
"As such, we shall begin a meticulous scan of Epsilon VI, and if he is not located, all other planets in this system. Anyone with possible knowledge of the Captain's whereabouts or abductors, please report to me in the Sickbay conference room. Spock out."
Spock sat down heavily. His Vulcan mask was in place, but there was an air of fatigue around him.
"You need ta rest, Spock," Bones remarked.
"No. Not until we locate Jim."
"Spock, even you can't stay awake for who-knows-how-long with all this stress on ya."
Spock shook his head once. "I cannot." There was a silence. "Jim is very ambitious, Leonard. There are many things he wishes to achieve. I hope to assist him in reaching those goals. Even if all I can do is comfort him when he is scared. He has nightmares often. In his nightmares, he is always alone. There is no one to help him. I will not abandon him. He has been through too much already. I cannot abandon him."
McCoy sighed. "I get it, Spock. I could never desert the kid either." Without warning, Bones jabbed a hypo into Spock's neck. It was a testament to how exhausted the Vulcan really was that he did not see it and block it. "But you do him no good dead on yer feet," the doctor reprimanded, catching the Vulcan as his knees buckled. He dragged Spock over to the couch.
"I find…that Jim was correct…doctor," Spock said slowly, as his eyelids drooped.
McCoy covered him with a blanket. "'Bout what?"
"You are quite…sneaky…and rather sadistic…with your hypos."
Bones chuckled under his breath. "G'night, ya overgrown elf."
Six months passed. Jim had become a spectator to his own life, and it horrified him to watch what was happening. Spock and McCoy continued to search frantically, but they were the only ones invested in the task, and even they had nearly lost hope. The rest of the crew had adjusted with frightening ease. Starfleet had assigned Spock permanent Captaincy after the third month. Even Command had stopped searching, but for Admiral Pike. He was one of the few who cared.
"Anything?" McCoy asked anxiously.
Spock opened his eyes. "Negative," he replied. Bones visibly wilted.
"You were in that trance for six hours this time," he growled as he replicated tea. "Here."
The Vulcan accepted as he rose to his feet. "Thank you, Leonard. There was no response whatsoever from the other end of the bond. However," McCoy looked up sharply, "It continues to deteriorate. With such prolonged disuse, our bond is weakening."
Bones' eyes slid shut for a brief second. "I'm sorry, Spock," he said, laying a hand on the taller man's shoulder.
Spock almost smiled, sadly. "It is illogical that you continue to apologize for something over which you have no control."
The doctor chuckled. "Yeah, but I still feel bad, so I'll keep doin' it anyway."
The two smiled at each other (meaning that McCoy smiled, and Spock smiled with his eyes) for a moment more.
They had become very close over the last six months, united in their love and worry for Jim. Though they had been friends before, showing their affection in their own twisted way, they understood each other in a way that they hadn't before. McCoy knew that Spock took comfort from the doctor's apologies, because they reminded him that he wasn't the only one who still cared. Spock knew that McCoy took comfort in the Vulcan's quips about being logical because it grounded him, reminded him that there was still sanity in the universe, and it gave him something to cling to. Jim was glad to see them getting along so well (though he knew as well as anyone that their constant snipping was a bizarre form of affection) but he wished he could be there with them.
"Captain Spock," the wall com chirped. Spock moved over to it, McCoy at his shoulder.
"Spock here."
"Captain, there's a message from Starfleet coming through for you. It concerns the Jim Kirk case," Nyota said.
"Patch it through," Spock demanded.
"Yes, sir."
McCoy and Spock had time to exchange one glance full of anticipation, fear, and sick hope as they turned to the computer, before Admiral Pike's face appeared on the screen. He had more gray in his hair and lines on his face than he had had six months ago. His face was ashen.
"Spock," he greeted the Captain in formally. "Leonard, good, you're here."
"Christopher," Spock inclined his head.
"Hey, Chris, what's goin' on?"
Pike looked apprehensive. "I tried, guys, I did. I swear I tried," he began. "But there was only so much I could do."
The two exchanged concerned looks.
"What do you mean?" Bones asked warily.
Pike sighed, looking pained. "Jim Kirk has been officially declared dead."
Spock reeled back, shock plain on his face. McCoy put a hand on his shoulder and forced him into a chair. Glaring, he turned back to the desk, maintaining his death grip on Spock's shoulder.
"What?"
"There was nothing I could do. Six months without a hint of…anything…it's too long. I'm sorry."
Spock stared blankly ahead, white with shock.
"Bu—But the bond!" Bones spluttered. "The bond isn't broken."
The admiral sighed again. "I said the same thing. But it isn't enough. The memorial will be in two weeks. The Enterprise is coming home. Command crew has orders to be there. I'm so sorry…"
McCoy rubbed his face tiredly. "Not your fault, Chris. Thanks. See ya soon."
"Yeah. I'll see you soon."
Spock's hands trembled in his lap.
The notes of Amazing Grace floated through the gathered crowd, its mournful tune not forgotten or altered with the flow of time.
Spock, McCoy, and Pike stood with the Kirks. Winona leaned against Chris, sobbing. Aurelan held Sam's hand tightly in her own, chin trembling. Tears flowed silently down his cheeks. Their three children were bawling, clinging to their mother, not quite aware exactly what was happening, but knowing that their father was crying and that Uncle Jim wasn't coming back. They stood together beside the casket draped in the Starfleet flag. Nyota was beside Scotty who played the bagpipes, kilt whipping in the breeze. Sulu and Chekov were next to them, and behind them, members of the Enterprise crew, others that had known Jim, and a few Starfleet Academy instructors. About thirty people, all told.
Jim stood beside his family as his gleaming, empty coffin was lowered into the ground.
His eyes were continually pulled back to the gray headstone.
"Captain James T. Kirk." Directly beneath that were his birth date, his assumed death date, and a list of his commendations. Beneath that, it read, "Beloved husband, son, brother and Captain. A rebel and a trouble-maker. He thought of others first, and offered himself in place of his loved ones, time after time. He was courageous and loyal, and he will live eternally in the souls of those who love him."
Jim knew that Spock and McCoy had come up with that, and shed many tears as they worked. They had finished the beautiful memorial with two quotes. "Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away." And finally, "Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, while love leaves a memory no one can steal."
As dirt covered the black casket, the crowd began to disperse. Winona, still in tears, was supported by Pike and Sam as she moved away.
Eventually, only Spock and McCoy remained. Spock knelt on the fresh dirt and brushed his fingertips across the marble headstone. "My Jim," he whispered. "I will never give up. I swear to you."
McCoy put a hand on Spock's shoulder. "Goes for me too, Jim. We'll find you."
Jim watched as the two people he loved most knelt on his empty grave, making promises to the headstone.
Jim sat bolt upright with a gasp. His chest heaved. He looked over at Spock, who was stirring and starting to blink, and burst into tears. The Vulcan shot up, fully awake, and wrapped protective arms around his mate, cradling Jim against his chest.
"T'hy'la, what is it?"
"N-n-nightmare," Jim gasped through great, shuddering sobs. Spock ran his fingers through blond hair, soothing.
"Share it with me, Jim. Show me what pains you."
Too shaken to argue, Jim complied immediately. Spock watched as Jim became a ghost, felt his fear as everyone lost hope, and stopped caring.
Making comforting shushing sounds, he pressed his lips to Jim's hair, before pulling back to meet frightened blue eyes.
"Jim, this will never happen," he said firmly. "It is true that Dr. McCoy and I undoubtedly love you more than any others. However, you have made many good friends who care for you deeply. They would never be so callous if such a thing were to occur. The crew has such loyalty and devotion to you, that if such a situation were to occur, they would search the entire galaxy planet by planet, and more, if they had to defy Starfleet to do it. No one on this ship would be able to rest until you were with us again."
Jim's tears slowly stopped. "Your friends and your crew love you, T'hy'la. Starfleet command respects you. The entirety of the Federation admires you as a hero. If anything were to happen to you, the Enterprise would collapse, because nobody on board would have the will to work."
Jim looked shocked. "You think that?"
Spock's lips twitched up in a mischievous smile. "I do. However, I am not alone. The crew agrees. It is their belief in you that gives them their courage and unity. You are the reason they are the best. Because you have passed on your belief, or lack thereof, in no-win scenarios. Because they love you. Doctor McCoy and I happen to be at the top of that list. But you will be missed. You will be held in the hearts of everyone around you."
"Help me," Jim requested. "I want to make sure that they know how much I love them. I've been through worse than having nobody care when I'm gone. But I can't put on a blank face like you. Even if they don't care… At the very least they have to know I love them." He gripped Spock's hand tightly.
Spock kissed his mate's forehead. "Of course, T'hy'la. Your friends already know. Dr. McCoy, Nyota, Mr. Scott, Hikaru Sulu, Pavel Chekov, and Christine Chapel. Remember that. They are aware that you love them, and they return your sentiment. There is one more thing you must remember, Jim."
"What's that?"
Spock gave that almost smile. "There is no one who loves you more than I."
Jim leaned in for a kiss and rested his forehead against Spock's. "Good."
I dreamed I was missing After my dreaming So if you're asking me When my time comes And don't resent me Leave out all the rest Don't be afraid I'm strong on the surface So if you're asking me When my time comes Don't resent me Leave out all the rest Forgetting Pretending When my time comes Don't resent me Leave out all the rest Forgetting Pretending
And you were so scared
But no one would listen
Cause no one else cared
I woke with this fear
What am I leaving
When I'm done here
I want you to know
Forget the wrong that I've done
Help me leave behind some
Reasons to be missed
And when you're feeling empty
Keep me in your memory
Leave out all the rest
I've taken my beating
I've shed but I made
Not all the way through
I've never been perfect
But neither have you
I want you to know
Forget the wrong that I've done
Help me leave behind some
Reasons to be missed
And when you're feeling empty
Keep me in your memory
Leave out all the rest
All the hurt inside
You've learned to hide so well
Someone else can come and save me from myself
I can't be who you are
Forget the wrong that I've done
Help me leave behind some
Reasons to be missed
And when you're feeling empty
Keep me in your memory
Leave out all the rest
All the hurt inside
You've learned to hide so well
Someone else can come and save me from myself
I can't be who you are
I can't be who you are
A/N: Well…there you have it. I am painfully aware that the headstone and everything is more than a little cliché, but…*shrug* sorry. I hope you guys liked it. Review, pretty please. Pictures of Chris Pine in the shower to anyone who does. *spurt* I have to go, I just got a nosebleed.