Chemicals Collide

Science says you're born a certain way, but is it possible to transform when something life-changing arrives? It seems that way for Jacob, but Edward has always known.

Edward
December 28, 2009

I went for a walk around midnight last night. It was so relaxing to just walk around the city, revisiting all my old haunts. I'll miss this place, I really will. I'll miss all my friends that I've known for years. I'll miss my house and the treehouse Dad and I had built in the backyard. I'll miss our neighbour, and her little dog that liked to lick my toes. I'll especially miss Grandpa and Grandma, who will now be hours and hours away when they used to be just a bus ride across town. I'll miss the ice cream shop, the library, the park, heck, I'll even miss the school. I did attend it for eleven years, after all.

But I can't help but think that this change is exactly what I need. I need to get away from the city, go someplace new, where no one knows who I am, and start over. I'm afraid of being judged by my old friends, teachers, and every other person that knows me here, but I'm going to be judged by the people in Forks, anyway, just because I'm new.

Why not be judged as the person I really am inside?

I've already ousted myself to my parents, after a long internal debate as to what their reactions would be. It proved to have been fruitless when they calmly informed me that they'd already known that I was gay, or at least suspected it. They had, apparently, only been waiting for me to come to terms with it myself and tell them. To say the least, I was a bit shocked, though pleased that there wasn't a huge fallout like I'd worried over.

I'm still too much of a wimp to inform my friends, and heaven forbid my grandparents find out.

But in Forks, I will not hide anything. It will be hard, but I know I can do it.

I'll call it a New Year's resolution.

Jacob
January 4, 2010

The first day back to school from Christmas holidays is always shitty. No one wants to be here, including the teachers, and so we all drag our feet the entire day, the teachers struggling to find the will to teach a class full of apathetic students, and, most likely, lamenting their choice in occupation.

This particular first day back didn't start off any differently than the same day in the past eleven years did. I got up way too fucking early as compared to the times I slept to during the holidays, was almost late for the bus, sat with my friends and caught up with what they'd been doing over vacation, which basically consisted of eating, sleeping, and video gaming, pretty much the same as me, and went to class.

Which was boring as fuck, but I digress.

So I sat through all my morning classes, and then I headed to lunch, accompanied by my friends, who were discussing the assets of the brown haired girl, Bella, that had just moved here during the summer of last year. I had to agree, that chick was hot. I've been sorta eyeing her up, thinking about asking her out, or at the very least making friends with her. (Friends with benefits? Yes, please?)

But then here comes the thing that made this particular first day back from the holidays different.

He was standing in the lunch line, fidgeting with his tray and looking around nervously. I could immediately detect that all the whispers in the cafeteria were relating to him. Gossip always comes with new students. I'd guess that Bella will find it a relief to not be the center of attention anymore.

But anyway, this guy... is indescribable. The second I saw him, all thoughts of Bella were wiped from my brain. It's obvious that he's gay or at least metro sexual, with his top designer clothes and perfectly styled hair. It's also obvious that he is inexplicably the hottest man alive. All those poor girls that can't date him if he really is gay...

It's also obvious that I would go gay for this dude, and I don't even know his name.

...disturbing.

Edward
January 11, 2010

My first week in Forks has been insane. The house we moved into is just as nice as the one back in the city, and the people in Forks that I've met so far are nice. It rains far too much here, and it's so small! But I do have to admit that the woods are amazing.

Even the people at school seem welcoming, though the old lady secretary eyed me up far more than any boy, straight or gay, would appreciate, I'm sure. In fact, the girls have been eyeing me up more than I would like them too. I'm pretty sure they want to date me, which will not be happening. I'm perfectly willing to be friends, but anything more and I'm out. I just don't swing that way, and I promised myself I wouldn't pretend.

Also, it would be nice if the boys would stop staring at me like I'm going to steal all the girls and hide them away from the rest of the male population.

But there is one boy that I wouldn't mind if he stared at me all day. I can barely keep my eyes off him whenever I see him. He's not just cute, or plainly good looking, he's absolutely beautiful. I've seen him staring at me, but it's not a glare like the other boys. I fear getting my hopes up, but I secretly pray that he's not straight. I avoid him in the hallways and in the cafeteria, just because I'm afraid to talk to him. I'm afraid of what he'll think of me. I'm afraid that he's not gay and I'm just going to have to admire him

Oh, dear God. I have a full on little girl crush on this boy.

I need to get over my fear and make friends with him.

Soon.

Jacob
January 18, 2010

I now know the gorgeous guy's name. Edward. For some reason, he decided that talking to me, out of all the students at our school, would be a good idea.

I was just chilling in the quad, biding my time and eating a sandwich, waiting for the guys to catch up with me, when he appeared over me, a nervous look on his face, and asked, "May I sit here?"

His voice was so perfectly smooth and velvety, like his mouth was permanently full of smooth melted chocolate that dripped off his tongue with every word he spoke.

Since when am I poetic?

It was like something someone could jack off to.

That's more like me.

Anyway, I obviously said yes, because you don't say no to that voice. So he sat and we were quiet for awhile. Then he said, in that freaking voice, "My name is Edward. What's yours?"

"Jacob," I told him. Then he asked if he could call me Jake, to which I said that yes, he could, that lots of my friends did, and so did my parents... then I realized I was kind of rambling, so I managed to shut my mouth. I looked over to see that he was smirking into his food, which really looked cute and made me smile.

...I just read over that, and I sound like a little girl with a crush.

A little girl. What the fuck? If anything, I should be acting like a little boy, as in, I should have a crush on a girl.

Edward and I have been hanging out, though, and he seems pretty normal. Maybe he is just well-dressed.

Though, thinking of those looks he gives me, the really hot ones that pretty much turn me on, I'd guess not.

I am so fucked up.

Edward
January 25, 2010

Today, I told Jake straight out that I am gay. Not that I'm not pretty sure he hadn't already figured that out, but I wanted to be absolutely positive that he knew.

I don't know if that was smart, but I can't regret it, because I promised myself I wouldn't keep secrets or lie about this.

At first he was calm, and I thought it was going to be all good, and he told me that he figured that anyway, and we went back to playing his video games. Then halfway through our next battle, which he was completely obliterating me in, he dropped his controller and started to freak out.

It was everything from how did my parents feel about this, how would all the regular workers around Forks react to this, what would the students at Forks High feel about this, what about the teachers, and there was a swear, usually fuck, thrown in after every second sentence (or word).

He figured I was gay before, but he didn't consider all of that? It befuddled me. According to him post-freak-out, "Suspecting something and having that something confirmed are two very different things." I suppose I can understand that much.

It took me a long time to get him to calm down and stop saying every single thought that came into his head out loud. When he finally stopped word vomiting, he wouldn't say anything. I guessed that his thoughts were still going a million miles an hour, they'd just stopped coming out of his mouth.

He was silent for awhile before he told me to leave. He said he needed "to think about shit," as he so eloquently put it.

I understand that need. I just hope he doesn't decide to desert me.

Jacob
February 1, 2010

Okay, so maybe I'm gay.

...wait, scratch that. I'm not gay. I'm not. I like girls. Take this Playboy magazine, for instance. Full of pictures of girls, every boy's fantasy...

Well, not every boy's... probably not Edward's... but it's mine! It's my fantasy!

Never mind, it's not. She's pretty, but she's no Edward.

No, wait, she's hot. Edward is a good-looking dude that I am jealous of. He is not someone I want to sex.

I can't be gay. What would my parents think? My friends? Okay, let's be serious here. All those things I freaked to Edward about were because I think I'm gay. No one will care that Edward's gay. They don't have expectations for him because they've only just met him. It's different for me.

I wonder if Edward ever told his friends from back in the city that he was gay. I bet he didn't. I bet he just decided to come here be gay and that would be enough.

But if I were to be with him...

I'm not. Because I'm not gay. Get it, brain? You are not gay. You like girls. Guys are the enemy. Guys are for playing video games with, not for running your hands through their hair while you kiss them...

What the hell is wrong with me?

Okay, so, let's say that I'm gay, and I like Edward. What do I do about it? Is there something wrong with me if that's true?

...I tell Edward. He's been through this before, right? Right.

...No, there isn't. There are tons of gay people in America, heck, in the world. Gay marriage is legalized in some states. Thus, there is nothing wrong with being gay.

Why the hell won't this picture turn me on!?

Fuck my life. I admit it. I'll even write it down.

I, Jacob Black, am gay, and like Edward Cullen as more than a friend.

That felt surprisingly good...

Edward
February 8, 2010

He decided not to abandon me.

Thank God. It was a long week, watching him from afar, not talking to him in order to give him the space he needed. I was deeply afraid that he'd never speak to me again.

I was so far from right, and I'm so glad I was.

He came to me at school almost a week ago and told me that he had thought it over, and he didn't care that I was gay. That alone excited me. What he said next had the potential to give me a heart attack from happiness.

He told me he was gay, too.

And he told me he was gay for me.

I guess you could say I'm in a relationship now, which is kind of strange to me. Sure, I've dated before, but never any boys, because of course I was trying to hide the fact that I'm gay. There was also that period of time where I was trying to deny it, so of course I dated.

But girls are simple to date. You just have to take them on a classic date and be a gentleman. They love that. I'm not so sure if Jacob would. I had no idea what he would want to do. It was a good thing when he asked me if I wanted to go bowling. I don't function well under pressure or stress.

But I do function well when I'm with Jake. He's like an all encompassing stress reliever. When I'm with him, I just take on his chill attitude. The only time I've seen Jake worked up is when he had his freak-out, and he's been back to his old self ever since he admitted to me that he's gay. He was even calm when we went out bowling. I thought maybe he would be worked up, since we were going out in public, but I guess not.

What a relief.

Jacob
February 15, 2010

Okay, I've come to a realization. This realization is that I more than just like Edward. I may possibly love him.

I haven't told him that yet. I figure that maybe my dad and my friends should learn that I'm gay before I do that.

Or possibly right after I do that. Yeah. Then Edward can help me tell them. Because he's done this before, I'm pretty sure. He'll know what I should say, or at least be able to tell me what he said. It will all go smoothly, as long as I have his help.

Oh my fucking God, what are they going to say? What if my dad kicks me out? What if my friends never talk to me again?

Hold up. Why am I freaking out? I'm just telling them all. Being gay is just who I am now. Maybe it was always my fate to be gay; maybe God fated it or something. I don't know, but they can take it or leave it.

I'd really like for them to take it. I don't want to be rejected just because I'm in love with Edward. I don't want to be pushed out of the lives of everyone else I love in a different sense. Because, dude, I love them. I like having them in my life.

I feel like such a girl, whining about my feelings.

Okay, so, even if they abandon me, let's look on the bright side—I'll still have Edward. I bet he'd let me stay at his house if I got kicked out. I know he'll be there to hang out with at school.

He's the man in this situation, right? He can do that whole protecting thing.

Now I need protecting.

I may have mentioned this before, but I am so fucked up.

Edward
February 22, 2010

I love Jake. Jake loves me. That looks odd on paper. It doesn't seem like the truth, but it is.

It's funny thinking about how much we've both changed in the almost two months since I moved to Forks and we met. I stopped hiding the fact that I'm gay, Jake realized he's gay, we got together, and now Jake has come out of the closet.

It went well with his dad. Jacob fidgeted insanely, and I barely managed to force him out of his bedroom to talk to his father. The conversation basically went like this:

Me: Billy, Jacob has something important to tell you.

Billy: Oh? What is it, son?

Jake, after a long silence: So, I'm gay, and I'm dating Edward.

Billy: Leave the bedroom door open.

Jacob was amazed at how simple it was. I just rolled my eyes at him and informed him that I had told him it wasn't going to be that bad.

Though it was kind of inconvenient to have to leave the door open now.

But at school... that part didn't go as smoothly with some people. A breakdown:

Jake: Guys, I'm gay and dating Edward.

Seth: Cool stuff. Wait. What?

Quil: He said he's gay, dipshit. Pay attention. Hey, man, you know I'm all supportive of that.

Jake: Tha—

Embry: Gay? But dude... we showered with you...

Paul: How long has this been going on?

Seth: Oh, dude. Cool stuff. Just don't hit on me.

Jake: I'm not gay for you guys. It's only been going on since a week or two after I met Edward.

Quil: So you'd go gay for him, but not for us? I'm offended.

Seth: Dude, have you seen Edward? He's hot.

Quil: Are you gay, too?

Seth: No! I was just saying!

Quil: Sure you were.

Paul: You've been keeping this a secret for more than a month?

Jake: Yeah...

Embry: Dude, we shower with you.

Jake: I'm not gay for you!

Blonde Girl from the Other Table: Jacob's gay?

Sam: Apparently.

BGFTOT: That's hilarious. Are you two dating? (pointing at Jake and me)

Me: Yeah.

BGFTOT announces this is a loud tone to the entire cafeteria. Whispers and jeers start.

Jake: Shit. Edward, let's go.

Jake and I left, but it didn't really make a difference, as everywhere we went in the school, there were people whispering and looking at Jake. Once we managed to find a secluded spot in the library, I told him I was sorry it had happened that way. Jake waved me off, telling me it wasn't my fault, and that at least most of his friends had seemed pretty accepting.

He's pretty down about it though, and I wish I could do something to help.

Jacob
March 1, 2010

I went for a walk with Edward last night. He told me that he knew from experience that just walking around in the dark, with the cool night air surrounding me, would help with working out my thoughts.

He may have been right, but I think it was talking to him that really helped.

Together we decided that it didn't matter if some people don't accept that we're gay. The ones I'd been most worried about did, and besides, we had each other.

Love works in strange ways. But the important part is that it works.

On that walk, I found my true place in the world.

It's with Edward.

This was a birthday present for RMJ Lennixx. :)

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