Button-Down DaiKaiju
by Rob Morris

"In the wake of the recent deaths and/or disappearances of Godzilla, Gamera, Mothra and Ghidorah, we of the JSDF now choose to reveal our long association with an American psychotherapist by the name of Robert Hartley. These snippets of phone conversations should shed valuable new light on The Daikaiju Plague of the last half-century."

G54

"Ok--Carol--put him through....Hi, Steve...I see....Yeah, that would qualify as big...You see his face...He's standing on top of a hill...No, no its behind a hill?...Uh, Steve?...I don't think yelling out 'What a big ugly creature' is a really good idea right now....Doctor Yamane's daughter?...Steve....I don't care if she forgot her underwear....I know its been a long trip, Steve....And the wind is blowing....Now he's headed toward the beach?....Big footprints....No, Steve, I don't care how Emiko's dress is illuminated by the sun....Doctor Yamane? Yes, it is a disgrace...To think that science could be perverted in such a fundamental....Oh, You're talking about your daughter not wearing any underwear...Could we get back to Godzilla?....Up from the depths...Thirty Stories High....Uh, Doctor?...No, I realize its just a joke....Serizawa?....Well, how bad could this weapon really be?....Ok, that-that sounds pretty bad...Would it all be one part hydrogen then?....Oh, is that what you've decided....Well, generally, we psychotherapists try to discourage that particular option....Steve?....Well, I'd get out of that press building, then....Yeah, but then, where would you file the story from?.....Emiko?....You're all on a boat to observe Godzilla's death...What If He Doesn't Die?....Yeah, making for shore would be one option--a really good option....Hello?...I see...Well, while I do have quite a bit of disposable income, I don't see buying time-share in Tokyo anytime soon....."

1962

"I was just thinking....If you got the two to fight each other, then....No, sir, I don't think a 75 share in the ratings justifies....Hmmm?....Electricity makes him stronger?"

1966

"Well, Mister Controller....If your controls are-are normally invincible, jus-just set them back to normal....Boy, your signal is really breaking up...Oh, that's your ship that's breaking up...getting some kind of feedback on the line."

1968

"Yeah...Kilaak Mistress?....Look, the mind-control failed, Ghidorah failed, the Burning Monster failed.....No, I don't see where a lawsuit would succeed, either..."

1984

"Mister Russian Ambassador...Yeah, listen....I know those were good men aboard that sub....But any use of the bomb against Godzilla just has an eeensy flaw I-I think you should know about...Oh, I'm terribly sorry...So did he die trying to prevent it or trying to ensure it?...No, I guess that is a moot point...."

1999 –

( Bob sees Ghidorah, Mothra, Gamera and Gyaos in a free-for-all, tearing up Chicago; Slams fist down )

Bob Newhart : Bob Hartley, Red Lion!

Mary Tyler Moore : Mary Richards, Blue Lion!

Carroll O'Connor : Archie Bunker dere, Green Lion!

Carol Burnette, Yellow Lion!

Alan Alda : Hawkeye Pierce, Black Lion!

All : Let's Go.............

( Oh, let's just go, and leave it there )