a/n: This is the end. I hope this ending works for people…it actually isn't at all what I pictured the end being when I started writing this like a year ago, but hopefully once I can get my muse back onto this storyline there will be a sequel and who knows what will happen between G & E then.

Sustaining What You Built

Chapter 9

The two weeks following Kelly Donovan's arrest were quiet, even if tense, while Alex prepared to leave Major Case. She and Bobby hadn't really talked besides typical, daily niceties or things like, "do you have the Larkin blood report?" She didn't want to leave their…relationship without some resolution, but they didn't exactly know what else to do. She was good at ignoring things. Pretending they were simple when they were anything but, and apparently so was he.

The day before her last, just before it was time to go home, she silently watched Bobby get up from his desk and go into the captain's office. He closed the door behind him and sat down for the longest and seemingly most civil conversation she had ever seen the two men have. There was even a friendly handshake before Bobby walked back out and to his desk. He didn't sit down, but gathered his things and gave her a quick look. He faltered, looking away again and acted as if he was ready to leave, but then hesitated like he wanted to say something beyond the typical heave and hoe of avoidance.

"I…I'll see you tomorrow Eames," was what he said instead before finally turning on his heel to walk off to the elevator.

She stared after him even after his form had disappeared around the corner and wondered what he and Ross could have been talking about; if he was still angry with her; if he was going to completely cut her out of his life. Of course, what place did she really have in it anyway? She had thought about that a lot since…well, she didn't really know. Since their last conversation at the bar wasn't really the truth – it had just put the thought up front in her mind, but several things had done that over the years: waiting for his reaction about her new partner request, hanging from a hook in basement, Tates, aiming a gun at his heart, and even God damned Declan Gage.

She finished up her reports and then headed out; trying to squash down any feelings she might or might not have. She went to her sister's for dinner and watched her nephew shovel mash potatoes in between explanations of his day in kindergarten. He was enthusiastic, but coy – a flirt as his grandmother said – impressing her with counting to twenty and getting through the ABC's with only a couple mishaps. Alex couldn't help but smile and ruffle his hair as he playfully leaned into her.

Later, Mark took Nathan upstairs to get ready for bed, leaving Alex and Liz at the kitchen table drinking tea. Alex could feel her sister watching her even though she stared into her tea, hoping the chamomile and peppermint would calm her mind and her nerves over her last day at Major Case and what might be her last day with Bobby Goren.

"I hear Jeff finally pinned you down for coffee," Liz said.

Alex looked up and gave a little nod. They had met two mornings ago in between him heading home and her going in to work. She tried to be engaged; tried to flirt back and respond to his sweet, humorous charm, but he could tell she was distracted and even brought it up. She told him it was just nerves over the new job, which was at least partly true.

"What? Is he calling you with updates?" Alex said.

"No. He mentioned it to Mark…he told me," Liz said. "So…how did it go?"

Alex shrugged unsure how to answer. She couldn't exactly say, "great, except for the fact I was thinking about my partner the whole time and whether or not I should have even been there."

"Fine," Alex said.

"He said you seemed upset about something," Liz said.

Liz stared her down, expecting some explanation, but all Alex gave her was a vague, "whatever" gesture with her hands.

"I've had a lot on my mind with the new job and everything," Alex said.

"But you're excited about the job, right?"

"Sure…but it's a lot to leave behind too…"

"MmmHmm," Liz hummed, unconvinced. "How did Goren take the news?"

"He…uh…he said I deserved it…told me I should take it."

"That's good right? That should make it easier to leave…"

Alex let out a sad laugh, wishing it was that simple.

"Yeah, it's great," Alex said.

If great meant he was barely talking to her or how she knew he was hurt and didn't know any other way to avoid more hurt. Or that he wanted more of a personal relationship and the thought made her heart palpitate and her ears ring with panic. It was the panic that got to her, because it wasn't just out of fear of having to let him down since she didn't feel the same, but because she maybe did.

"You sound very convincing, Lex," Liz said.

"Can we just drop it?"

"I don't even know what it is we're dropping," Liz said. "I do know if you aren't interested in Jeff then you should walk away. He's a nice guy don't lead him on—"

"You're the one who threw me at him."

"And I'm also the one who can call bullshit on you…and something's going on here. And I'd put money on the fact it has to do with Goren."

Alex often thought Liz had missed her calling by not going into the family business of the NYPD. She could spot lies with the best of them and when it came to Alex she was one on the few people who could actually see through all the stoicism and road blocks she put in place over the years. Even one of the NYPD's best profilers, who worked beside her everyday couldn't read her like Liz could.

Alex huffed and twisted her mouth up in aggravation and uncertainty. She needed to tell someone and she couldn't tell Bobby or the few close cop-buddies she had – they all thought it was well past time for her to kick Goren to the curb anyway.

"He…Bobby, he said," Alex said and then took in a deep breath. "He told me he had feelings for me…that maybe we could…explore that if I took the job…"

Liz's face was unreadable, but she kept her eyes trained on Alex. Alex was trying to keep her face neutral, but she was sure Liz could see it – the fear, the feelings that could be similar, but that she didn't want to admit.

"Well, it's about damn time," Liz finally said.

"What the hell does that mean?" Alex asked.

She refused to believe she and Bobby were that transparent.

"Come on, Lex," Liz said. "I knew the moment I saw him at the hospital with you—"

"That…that was guilt. Over the…the Gages."

"I don't mean then," Liz said. "I mean after Nate was born."

Alex huffed out a dismissive sigh and shook her head. There were logical explanations to anything she might have read between her and Bobby; explanations that would dismiss anything Alex knew she was about to argue.

"He's my partner…he was concerned," she said and let out a little laugh. "He wanted to make sure I was coming back…as soon as possible."

Liz shook her head.

"It was more than that. Maybe he didn't know it…maybe he didn't even really acknowledge it yet, but if Mark was a cop and looked at a female partner the way Goren looked at you…I'd be worried."

"Look, you're not a cop. You don't understand what goes on between partners…it's a lot like a marriage, but it doesn't mean anything—"

"Sure, not all the time. Maybe even most of the time, but with you two it does. I don't care how much you try to convince me otherwise."

Alex fell back in her chair, angry and annoyed, and she didn't want to admit it was mostly toward herself and not her sister – not even Bobby.

"Do you love him?" Liz asked.

Alex picked at a hang nail and shook her head.

"No. I…" she said. "I don't know."

She stared down at the table, still picking and knew he had been right – he wasn't the one who was confused.

"Well, there's only so many ways to figure that out," Liz said.

Alex wasn't sure if it could be figured out – if all the shit and feelings and experiences could be untwisted and redefined.

"I'm going home," Alex said.

She pushed herself up from the table and placed her cup in the sink, listening to Liz's apologetic protests behind her. She muttered how it was all right and gave her sister a quick hug before heading home to her apartment.

XXXX

The next morning welcomed her with handshakes and pats on the back from her soon to be former squad-mates, giving her "way to goes" and "we'll miss yous." They came from everyone – Jefferies, a very pregnant Wheeler, Nichols, who was mostly still a stranger, and even Rodgers, in between cake and cider breaks, neither of which anyone was admitting to bringing. They all came and went through out the day as did the celebration.

Bobby stayed quiet, in the background of the people crowding and congratulating her, but she could feel him watching her from time to time and even caught him a couple times. Those few times he gave her a tight smile and turned back to whatever he had been doing.

There wasn't much for her to do besides clean up her open case files for whoever would be taking her place and sign paperwork on closed cases. It left her mind to wander, mostly about the man across from her and the conversation with her sister – contemplate all the questions in her head. Did she love him? Maybe. Would she miss him? Yes. Did she still want to be a part of his life; his friend? Yes, but she'd tried to be his friend before and what did it get her – a bunch of ignored phone calls and lies all to get his badge back. Could they even make a romantic relationship work? And even if they could, how quickly would he lose interest and realize she wasn't what he wanted? Or even yet, what if he never did?

She escaped to the break room to find some clarity in the store bought chocolate cake and cut a moderate square for her plate, sucking the excess icing from her thumb. She stood at the counter and slowly ate.

"Eames."

It was the captain's voice greeting her and she looked up to see him strolling towards her with his hands stuffed in his pockets. She nodded a hello.

"This was very nice of everyone," she said.

"We all chipped in," he said. "I just talked to Pertrillo. She wants you in her office at nine Monday morning to start looking for people to build your team."

"Will I actually get to build it?" Alex asked.

Ross smirked a little.

"I have no doubt you'll get a good team you can trust," he said.

She gave a stiff nod.

"Thank you for considering me," she said.

"I'm glad you took it," Ross said. "Have you set up some time to take the sergeant's exam, yet?"

"Yeah…next month. I guess it'll be really official then," she said.

"It's plenty official…the rank is just a formality to make the brass happy," Ross said. "You'll do great work there."

She was certain she would. She was even excited about it – getting back to her roots in the force and helping these young girls forced into brothels and prostitution. She knew she would be able to do real good, but it was still strange to think she would no longer be coming to the eleventh floor of One PP anymore.

"Uh…do you have any candidates for my replacement…for Goren's new partner?" Alex asked.

She heard Ross' sigh and watched how he cut his eyes away from her.

"That's…a non issue," Ross said. "Congratulations."

He disappeared then, leaving her to wonder what exactly that meant. She went back to her desk, while the pats and well wishes continued and her partner kept pretending he wasn't watching her.

XXXX

It was five o'clock when she began to gather her things, placing personal items from her desk into a small file box. Other detectives who were there came and told her good-bye and good luck. Wheeler even hugged her as she came by, thanking her for the few times they had grabbed dinner after a shift and listening to her complain about Nichols and worrying about the surprise pregnancy.

"Seriously, if you need anything call," Alex said.

Wheeler smiled and walked on, leaving her to her desk and her partner, who was openly watching her as she closed the lid on the box. It was surreal to think after nearly ten years of seeing each other everyday now she might not ever see him. Her throat tighten then and she pushed down the tears she felt building.

"Walk me out?" she asked.

She almost thought he was going to refuse – make some excuse about having to finish paperwork or something else they both knew she would recognize as a lie. But then he nodded slowly and closed the files on his desk as if he was not planning on coming back. She led the way to the elevators and glanced backwards to make sure he was in fact with her as they stepped on. He was quiet and mostly still, watching the numbers scroll down to the garage.

She tried to figure out what she wanted to say to him; what she wanted from him and if she was brave enough to take the leap; if she even wanted to be. They could just meet up every now and then, just to see if they could even sustain a friendship without the glue of the job holding them together and see where it went. No pressure, no pretense…just two former colleagues checking in on each other and if something grew out of it then so be it. She thought she could live with that – could maybe then sort out everything she felt and thought about this man beside her.

"I really do think you deserve this," he said.

She looked up at him, slightly startled, but the doors dinged opened and she continued to lead the way to her car.

"I know," she said. "I'll have my pick of team members apparently."

"That's good," he said. "You need people you can depend on…who can keep you…each other safe. I take it there will be undercovers…"

"Yeah…some," Alex said. "I'm not sure yet how it'll work…we'll probably be dependent on getting CI's…getting their trust…"

She watched him nod before gathering at her car. She placed the box in the back seat and then turned toward him.

"That'll…it'll be tough. These girls…they got a raw deal," he said. "But…they'll trust you…"

She nodded and he shuffled, getting too antsy to force small talk.

"Listen, we can try…to be friends and just—"

"We…I thought we were…" he said, quietly; void of anger and resentment. "I want more than that…"

Friends. Were they even friends? They last time she checked friends didn't avoid each other's calls when they're having a rough time or keep the other in the dark for the sake of their job. Friends didn't work only at one person's convenience and personal time table. She bit the inside of her cheek in an effort to bite down the bubbling resentment.

"I don't know if I can be that," she said. Yet. Give me some time and then maybe…

"I know," he said. "And…and its okay. You know, I had to see…for myself and it was a risk…its okay…"

He shuffled in classic Goren style, and glanced down at his feet or maybe hers. He didn't sound very convincing and any resentment gave way to guilt.

"Bobby—"

"I…I need to tell you…" he said, lifting his hands to interrupt her. "I'm leaving…I'm leaving Major Case…"

She stared numbly as he met her eyes, not sure if she heard right and thought about what Ross referred to as a non-issue. He wouldn't quit. Being a cop was his life – it was what got him up every morning, particularly the last few years.

"Oh?"

He let out a deep breath, looking sad, but oddly resolute.

"An old buddy of mine…from CID…he's FBI now and he's offered me positions there off and on for…for a while," he said. "I…I've decided to take one of them."

Alex stood still, silent and unsure as to how to respond. She hoped the change would be good for him; would add to the healing he had been doing over the last year – to move on from his family and all the perps and victims he carried around with him. She wanted to say it, but it all just caught on the lump in her throat and the tension zinging between them.

"You'll be at the field office here?" she asked.

He shook his head.

"Quantico," he said.

Oh.

Her eyes widened and her throat tightened a little more. He certainly wouldn't leave New York. What about Donny? What about his life here? What about her? But she had no right to ask that. Not now.

"The job it's mostly working at the academy," he said. "I'll be working with younger agents training in profiling…there may be some field work…consulting work, but mostly I'll be…mentoring of all things."

She heard his little self-deprecating laugh and wanted to reassure him, support him because he was her partner (always sort of would be, she figured) and that was what they were supposed to do for each other despite everything else.

"They'll be lucky to have you," she said.

She was glad her voice didn't crack, or at least not enough for it to register, and he gave a small nod, with round, soft eyes looking like they might be on the verge of cracking. She sure as hell couldn't handle it if he cried.

"I hope so…" he said. "I…I think it'll be good…for me to go. I think I need…am ready for a fresh start."

She could understand that, even if she had never been all that great at starting over and letting the past go – good and bad. She needed to; was trying to, but it scared the shit out of her. She stuck with things, even if they weren't really good for her – it was what made her force herself to stay partners with Bobby nine years ago, before she actually wanted to stay his partner and for that she was grateful. But then there was the other part of it that made her cling to a dead husband and the life she was supposed to have.

"Take care of yourself, Eames."

She nodded, knowing they both needed to get out of there before one of them broke down.

"You too," she said.

His hands twisted together in the air and he almost stepped away, but then just stepped closer. She felt his palm span her neck and then the press of his lips against the crown of her head and the slight scratch of his stubble on her forehead. It was a quiet good-bye, a thank you, a here if you need me, and then he turned without warning and was gone. She watched him and let out a shaky breath as her eyes welled. He didn't look back and she didn't want him to. A few minutes later she was gone too.