Disclaimer: This story is a purely fictional figment of my imagination. I do not own Hikaru No Go or any of the characters. This is simply me using them for my own nefarious imagination.
Italicized words are thoughts and I am still wondering if I should add a better ending…
Akira looks over the goban and smirks at his rival's wild hair. Hikaru's bangs had grown long once again and had to be highlighted, again, much to the dismay of Hikaru's mother. She was always hoping that, one day, Hikaru would return to a normal hair color and begged Akira constantly to talk Hikaru into it. Akira didn't even bother to tell her it'd be futile; he tried once and had to sit through Hikaru complain about his mother not leaving his hair alone. It was his hair, and he had the right to pick what color he wanted it to be. Plus, Akira kind of liked the blonde hair; it made Hikaru easy to spot in a crowd. Of course, that's not something he'd ever admit to his rival and best friend. Hikaru's ego was big enough as it is.
"Yo! Akira! It's your move." Hikaru waved a hand in front of Akira's unblinking face. Seriously, the guy dazed out at the weirdest times. Plus, that smirk was starting to get to him. A year ago, Akira never had that smile; the smile that said he knew something you didn't want him to know. That smile scared Hikaru; did Akira find out about Hikaru's long standing crush on him? Akira was so conservative he wore slacks everywhere; something as out there as a relationship with another guy would blow his mind; what's worse, it'll end their friendship, and Hikaru could not let that happen.
Akira simply stared at his rival's spaced out face. He could not bring himself to be so rude as to wave his hand in Hikaru's face, but he really wanted Hikaru to snap out of it so they could continue their game. Akira finally gives up on being polite after a minute and kicks Hikaru, causing Hikaru to freak out, slap a hand on the goban, and jump up in surprise. Needless to say, the game was pretty much over, and their typical shouting match ensued. (Content removed because of explicitness) The salon owner rushed over to calm them down (she could not kick them out, they were renowned go players), and the other customers watched in amusement as the young adults acted like little kids on a playground.
Suddenly, a rumble is heard, silencing the shouting match. Hikaru blushes and stares guiltily at his stomach. "I'm sorry, I kind of got caught up studying kifus and then realized that I had to meet you and I kind of forgot to eat and…"
Akira smiles at Hikaru's scatter brained run on sentence that didn't quite end or make sense and gently interrupted. "Would you like to find something to eat?'
Hikaru brightens up. "Ramen?" he asks with hopeful eyes.
Akira groans; why did he not expect that answer even though that's what Hikaru eats ALL the time? "Why can't we ever have something besides ramen? Can we please have something new for a change?"
Hikaru's smile dims and he droops a little. "Never mind; ramen's fine." Akira says resignedly. Hikaru brightens up again immediately and practically bounces out of the salon.
"Good luck," the salon owner says; she's already used to Shindou-san's moods and is very sympathetic to Touya-san's cause of getting the blonde to eat healthy.
Hikaru dances his way to the ramen shop while Akira walks sedately behind him, smiling at his's rival's cute antics. Wait, did he say cute? Cute was not a word that belonged in his vocabulary and DEFINITELY not about Hikaru of all people. Maybe if he used cute about some docile girl his parents shoved into his face or made him go to an omai with but DEFINITELY not about Hikaru. It was wrong and…just wrong. An appalled look crosses his face as he realizes a blush is creeping up his cheeks and he stops abruptly.
Of course, Hikaru has to pick that moment to stop his antics and turn around. "Akira? What's wrong? Do you have a fever or something?" he asks with concern when he notices Akira's red face.
"It's nothing, I'm fine." Akira pushes past Hikaru. "Let's just go find some food and go home." Akira strides quickly away, leaving Hikaru confused and worried. He shrugs; Akira probably wouldn't lie to him about something like that.
At the ramen shop, Akira orders a small bowl of ramen while Hikaru orders his usual 3 larges, and finishes all of them before Akira is half done. Of course, Akira eats his politely and calmly while Hikaru slurps them down like he hasn't eaten for days, but that's not the point.
"Why do you eat so slow?" Hikaru inquires. Akira and all the people who started eating around the same time just stare at Hikaru. The shop owner laughs, rustles Hikaru's hair, and just gives him another bowl, knowing Hikaru's going to ask for it anyways. Hikaru stares at the owner, shrugs, and slurps down the fourth bowl at lightning speed.
Akira finishes his bowl just as Hikaru finishes his fifth. They pay and leave the store owner pleased; Hikaru always orders way too much, and his frequent patronage is probably the reason the store hasn't gone out of business yet. At the corner, they go their separate ways, Hikaru to the train station, and Akira to his house, conveniently located a few blocks away.
-----That night-----
Hikaru tosses and turns. He can't get Akira's smirk out of his head. Every time he sees it, he spends hours in bed trying to figure out what it means. What does Akira know about me that I don't want him to know? Does he know something about me I don't want him to know? God, does he know I like him? That I've liked him for years? No! Akira can't know that I like him; if he knew he would freak out and never talk to me again. He's too conservative to not do that. The questions roll around in his mind and keep him up until the wee hours of the morning.
Akira's not doing much better. He squirms in his futon and blushes as he remembers how he called Hikaru cute. I can't believe I called Hikaru cute. I mean, why would I think he's cute? He's a guy. Guys are not cute. I should not be thinking that Hikaru is cute. The image of Hikaru dancing happily at the thought of ramen comes back to him. Okay, maybe he is a little cute, but just a little! Not cute like what I'm supposed to think of the girls my parents introduce me to. Wait. I never think of them as cute; they're just boring, shy girls I can't even have a conversation with. I've…only ever thought of one person as cute…and that was Hikaru. The thought hits him, and the realization stays with him all night as Akira struggles to rationalize it in logical world where men belonged with women and never thought of other guys as cute.
Akira finally manages to fall asleep at 6am, so of course, there is no way he's going to wake up in time for his 3pm game with Hikaru. Akira needs at least 10 hours of sleep a day before he's even coherent. From 6 to 3 definitely is not enough time, so Akira sleeps past his game with Hikaru, and all the calls Hikaru makes.
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Hikaru frets as he gets Akira's voicemail for the tenth time. He's been calling every six minutes for the last hour and still, nothing. Akira never misses a game and even if he did, he's responsible enough to call and give notification ahead of time. Hikaru paces from one end of the salon to the other before the truth hits him. Akira must have found out. That's why he was acting so weird yesterday and that's why he missed our game without notice. Akira's avoiding me because he never wants to see my face again. A tear rolls down his cheek and the salon owner rushes over.
"Hikaru-san. Is everything okay?" she asks worriedly.
Hikaru quickly brushes away the tear. "Yeah, everything is fine. I guess I will not be playing today." He rushes out the salon with the other customers and the salon owner staring at the door anxiously. Hikaru walks down the street to the nearest bar and finds a seat. A whirlwind of emotions swamp Hikaru; His fears grow exponentially and pain slices through his heart. Was I too obvious? Did I do something that finally let him know about these feelings? Why did I not keep them buried deeper? Did I let something slip yesterday? God, why's Akira have to be so old fashion? Why can't he be more open -minded? Why did this have to happen? Why can't he accept my feelings and just maybe, return them? Hikaru eventually can't deal with the pain and orders a beer. Another soon follows. Hikaru goes through beers like he normally goes through ramen, trying to numb the pain of Akira's rejection and soon enough, he's deep red, dehydrated, and very drunk.
Close to closing time, the bar owner notices Hikaru passed out on the couch, all alone. Now, he can't close the store with a drunk passed out in it could he? The owner notices the bulge in Hikaru's pockets, pulls out Hikaru's cell phone, and calls the first speed dial number, reasoning with himself that, if that's the first number on speed dial, the person at the other end must be the most important to this drunk and the most likely to take care of him.
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Akira startles as his phone rings; he is going over kifu again. He startles again when he realizes its Hikaru finally calling him back. Akira had called Hikaru at 5 when he woke up to apologize for missing their game but only got voicemail. He answers the phone and is surprised when he hears the bar owner asking him if he could please pick up his drunk friend. Akira dazedly agrees and asks for the address. Five minutes later, he is runs out his door. Hikaru what trouble did you get yourself into this time? Thank god the bar was close to his place, but that does beg the question of what Hikaru was doing drinking in his neighborhood. Akira gets to the bar and the owner leads him to where Hikaru is passed out. Akira thanks the owner, picks Hikaru up like a sack of potatoes and leaves.
The bar owner happily closes the bar and Akira is left to wonder where to take his heavy burden. Akira sighs as he realizes that the only logical place would be his house, and is grateful that his parents are away on vacation, or they'd have a heart attack seeing him bringing a drunken Hikaru home. Akira unlocks the door and carries Hikaru to the guest room where he drops Hikaru onto the futon. He then patiently takes off Hikaru's shoes, places them by the door, locks the house door, and proceeds to tuck Hikaru in.
Akira gets up to leave and is stopped by a tug. Hikaru grabs Akira's hand and asks him, "Don't go?" Hikaru is still dreaming of course but the young adult is strong and Akira can't get his hand free. Akira sighs and sits back down, ready for a long night. He can't get another futon because of Hikaru's firm grip on his hand but he didn't want to lie down because that's more uncomfortable than just sitting.
"I'm sorry I like you; can we still be friends 'Kira?" Hikaru asks in his dreaming state. Akira freezes as his brain tries to process the information his friend has just drunkenly given up. How can this be? Why does Hikaru like me? How could Hikaru like me? This isn't right. This is not how things are supposed to be. We're supposed to be best friends and rivals, nothing more. No, this can't be true. Hikaru can't like me. I will not accept it. I'm supposed to get married with a nice, quiet girl and have children. What would people think of this gets out? Both of us would be ruined. I could never play Go professionally again. I could not face my father or ever step foot out of my house again.
Hikaru's grip on Akira's hand suddenly tightens and Akira looks down at Hikaru's sleeping face. A bang falls over Hikaru's eyes and Akira's face softens as he brushes the bang aside. Well maybe this isn't too bad. It'll never get out if we don't say a word. I can just pretend I never found out and things can just stay the same. He'll never know I know if I pretend that I never found out. I do wonder why he thought I knew though. Akira shrugs and drifts off to sleep in a sitting position.
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Hikaru wakes up in a strange room with Akira sleeping partially on him. Falling asleep in a sitting position is quite uncomfortable and sometime during the night, Akira unknowingly collapsed onto Hikaru. Hikaru tries to shift around, waking Akira up.
"Morning. I'm sorry I couldn't make it to the salon yesterday. I was sleeping and I slept through you calling me. The owner of the bar you were at yesterday called me with your cell phone and asked me to pick you up. I tried to go back to my room after I dropped you on the futon but you wouldn't let go so I had to stay. I'm sorry I ended up falling asleep on you." Akira told Hikaru as he stretched. "I'm going to start breakfast."
Hikaru blinked as relief swept through him. That's why Akira didn't show up yesterday? It wasn't because Akira found out I liked him and decided he never wanted to see me again? Hikaru's smile lit up the room and he bounces out of the futon to go humble apologize to Akira for troubling him. Akira, being polite as he is, said it was no trouble; Hikaru knew it was a rather large inconvenience but was grateful to hear that lie anyways.
Things continued as they did before the incident except for the fact that sometimes, they went to each other's houses to play games instead of to the go salon. It was more convenient and they didn't have to disturb people with their shouting matches every day. Hikaru's mom was used to Hikaru's behavior and Akira's room was sound proofed for some reason neither of them knew. Akira did have a lot more trouble sleeping.
A month after the incident, Akira is still unable to sleep at night. He tosses and turns, but he can't get Hikaru's words out of his head. Akira thinks back to three days ago, when he froze at the goban because of the intensity of Hikaru's eyes. Two days ago, Hikaru slept over because they played go past midnight and Hikaru was too lazy to go back to his house. Akira laid an extra futon in his room and Hikaru fell asleep immediately, leaving Akira to stare at Hikaru's sleeping face. Akira blushes at the memory. I must have been staring at hours. Just this morning, Akira went over to wake Hikaru up for breakfast and almost ended up kissing Hikaru on the forehead because he couldn't help it.
This is so improper, but I can't seem to help myself. Why does it feel so right to just let myself like him back? I can't let myself like him back. Guys don't like guys. Guys don't date guys. Guys date girls. This month has been hell. I really need some more sleep. Maybe I should agree to meet that girl my mom's been trying to get me to see. Maybe she'll be interesting and I can be a good son again and have pure thoughts. Hell, maybe I'll like her enough to consider marrying her. I am old enough and my parents have been bugging me about settling down with some nice girl and giving them grandchildren.
----A few days later----
Akira fakes a smile at nice, passive girl his mother introduced him to. He could not, for any amount of money, remember her name. Nor could he get a decent conversation out of her. All she would do was nod, smile, and agree with everything he said. God, I wish I was talking with Hikaru instead. We'd probably end up arguing but at least it wouldn't be boring.
"Akira? Sakura-chan is leaving. Would you like to see her out?" Akira smiles feebly and nods. He walks Sakura-chan to the door, bows and says, "It was very nice talking to you." She smiles the same smile she had on the entire time and walks sedately out. Akira sighs. Well that didn't work out very well.
His mom corners him as he is going up to his room and asks him what he thought of her. Akira nods and says all the polite things he's expected to. He then sits through yet another lecture about how he should settle down with a nice girl. He wasn't getting any younger and neither was his mother. She wanted to see her grandchildren grow up so he had to get married and provide her with some. Having them before marriage was a no no and not getting married to some nice girl was most definitely not allowed either. He was their only son and had to bring their family honor as well as carry on the family name by having a son.
After Akira escapes his mother's clutches, he trudges up to his room and flops onto his futon. Normally, Akira would never do something so undignified, but he was feeling rather desperate here. Yeah. Maybe I can admit it to myself. My feelings for Hikaru grow stronger each day and I just don't like girls. These biddable girls my mom parades in from of me are so boring. Only Hikaru's spark really interests me, but there's nothing I can do about it. My mom expects me to marry some respectable girl and carry on the family name. My dad expects it. Hell, the entire world, or at least everybody in it who knows of me expects it and what do I do? I like some guy with blonde bangs and an outrageous personality. Well, not some guy; he's Hikaru, the guy with the fun loving, open personality. Without him, all I would do is face boring opponents every day. He's the guy who brought life to the game of go; he dragged me into the world outside of go, and maybe, made me enjoy it. My life would be pretty empty without him and there's nothing I can do about it; just like there's nothing I can do about these feelings. His mind made up, Akira calls Hikaru about the next day's game.
"Moshi Moshi. Akira, what's up?"
"Hikaru, I was wondering if we could have our game here tomorrow. I'm not feeling really well and I don't really want to leave the house." That was clearly a lie but, a little white lie never hurt anybody.
"Sure, that's fine. Are you okay? Would you like me to bring you some medicine or anything?"
Akira smiles at the concern in Hikaru's voice. "I'm fine, just feeling a little under the weather. See you tomorrow." Akira hangs up the phone. The next move is yours, Hikaru.
Hikaru frowns at his phone as he starts to worry for Akira's health. He glances quickly at the clock, which reads 8:45, throws on his jacket, and dashes to the nearest pharmacy to pick up some medicine anyways. Akira said he was fine, but just to be on the safe side… Hikaru walks back to his house holding two large plastic bags, one filled with every type of medicine he could find, and the other filled with those things called vegetables his mom always told him to eat. Once home, Hikaru makes sure his parents are busy (so they won't walk in on him and wonder what he was doing) and proceeds to try to make a healthy broth for Akira to eat.
Hikaru has never cooked before, so the results are easy to imagine. After three failed tries, Hikaru gives up and finally pleads his mom for help. His mom gives him the weirdest look; her son has never wanted to be able to cook before, so why now? Hikaru just gives her pleading eyes. She gives in and shows him how to clean the meat and the vegetables before cutting them up and putting them into a pot of boiling water (She offered to do it for him, but he refused so Hikaru's fingers looked a little sketchy afterwards). His mom then shows him what to add to enhance the flavors of the broth (or in Hikaru's case, to make it taste edible). She then instructs him to pay attention to the pot. He has to keep it at a simmer and can't allow it to boil over. He also must make sure that he turns the stove off at the right time and take the pot off the stove so it wouldn't burn. Basically, he has to PAY ATTENTION and not study kifu while this boils.
With the much needed guidance from his mom, Hikaru manages to make a decent pot of broth. With a relieved sigh, Hikaru wearily trudges off to his futon, 5 hours after he left the house to buy medicine.
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Akira opens the door to Hikaru's shining face, a rather large bag of meds and a thermos. He stares at Hikaru unblinkingly. "I said I was fine." Hikaru's face slowly changes color to match his red sweatshirt.
"I was worried so...well, my made you this soup when she heard you were sick..." Hikaru offers weakly. Akira smiles internally at Hikaru's obvious discomfort and wordlessly gestures Hikaru inside the house. His parents are, of course, away again at one of his father's matches overseas. Akira takes the bag and the thermos from Hikaru, placing the bag in the bathroom (he'll put all those meds away later) and bringing the thermos into the kitchen. Akira takes two bowls from the cabinet and pours soup into them. He takes a sip and grimaces.
"Hikaru...Are you sure your mom made this?" Akira had tasted Hikaru's mother's cooking before and he clearly remembered it as much better than this.
Hikaru turned even redder (if that was possible). "Well, no, I wanted to make it myself, but I couldn't so I ended up going to her for directions."
Akira smirked (internally of course; it wouldn't do for Hikaru to see that he was amused by this). "You are forgiven...if you promise to never cook again. Wait. What did you do to your hands?" Akira gently inspects the band aids all over Hikaru's hands. "Why do I get the feeling that the box of band aids that you got me is half empty?" With a resigned look on his face, he unwraps Hikaru's hand (Hikaru didn't do a very good job with the band aids as he never had to use them before). Akira exhales a sigh of relief as he sees that the cuts are relatively shallow and don't actually need to be bandaged. They had already started to heal (at least Hikaru had the common sense to clean the cuts).
"How are you going to play go with these injuries?" Akira chides. Akira softly strokes the cuts with his long, slender fingers.
"Hey, Akira what're y—," Hikaru freezes as Akira wordlessly kisses a cut. Words and thoughts in general disappear as Akira progresses to another cut. Hikaru's mind becomes lost in the sensations of Akira's lips softly brushing his hand continuously. Hikaru cradles Akira's cheek and brings Akira's face up to his. "Do you know what you're doing?" Hikaru quietly asks. Akira wordlessly nods. "Are you sure about this?" Hikaru was barely audible as he voiced all his doubts and insecurities in that one question. Silence permeates the room as Akira looks away.
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Akira and Hikaru were eating lunch together when Hikaru asked. "Hey Akira, is it okay if it's your place tonight? My grandparents are coming over and…" Akira smiled and nodded in agreement. Ever since they started staying over at each other's houses after playing go instead of returning home, they come up with a schedule. Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays were Akira's place while Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays were Hikaru's place. Sunday was a free day where both of them took some time off go. It was a gradual transition and nobody would suspect anything of the two renowned go players. Today was Tuesday, but Akira understood. Hikaru's grandparents were old fashioned to the bone and they believed it was past time for their delinquent grandchild to get a normal job and settle down with a nice woman and start having children.
They finish off their lunch and stop in a quiet corner for a quick hug before parting ways. It would have been instant news if anybody saw them so they had to be careful. Hikaru had finished his match already but Akira's opponent was proving to be irksome so Akira had to go back. Hikaru walks away, whistling, with a spring in his step. I still can't believe we're together. He thinks back to that day in Akira's kitchen. I can't believe he said yes. Hikaru does a happy little dance in the middle of the street, much to the amusement of strangers, and unbeknownst to him, his rival and boyfriend, who turned around to watch him go.
Akira smiles silently to himself, that sweet, cute smile that nobody sees but Hikaru. It's one that he quickly hides; it would be bad if anybody else saw that side of Akira. They'd start thinking I'm weak and that will not do. Worse, they'll think I'm cute or something. Akira suppresses a shudder and walks back into the room for the rest of his match. His opponent was there already, glaring fiercely at Akira's seat; what was hi name again? He was a boring opponent so his name didn't penetrate Akira's mind. Akira finishes the game mindlessly while thinking about the ways he could surprise Hikaru tonight. Hikaru isn't coming over until, like, six so that's plenty of time. I could finally show him what homemade ramen tastes like. The stuff he buys is tasty, but so bad for him. Akira smiles happily as he imagines Hikaru's surprise when he sees the meal. Akira's opponent sees the smile and his face becomes blacker, if that's even possible. This guy is beating me hands down and he smirks about it?!?!? He doesn't even seem to be paying attention for God's sake. I will find a way to wipe that smirk off his face. Akira isn't paying enough attention to dumb his game down a little which is what he normally does for weaker players. Akira is also not paying enough attention to notice the black glare his opponent directs at him when they finish the game. Instead, he waltzes out the door, planning dinner.
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Hikaru lets himself into Akira's house to amazing smells. Hikaru's face brightens. Akira was supposed to pick up dinner, but I guess he decided to cook. Akira's cooking was pretty amazing, especially compared to what Hikaru normally ate when he was home alone. Cup Noodles wasn't really good for him to say the least. Hikaru sticks his head excitedly into the kitchen only to face a sharp glare from his boyfriend. "OUT!" Akira demands, "I do NOT need a repeat of what you did to my kitchen last time." Hikaru grimaces before pouting cutely. Hikaru had convinced Akira that it was a good idea to make stew. The only problem was that Hikaru really didn't know how to cook. Akira ended up having to throw out that pot and cleaning the entire floor of spills.
"Aww, Kira, please? I promise I won't touch anything this time." Hikaru whines adorably. He pounces as he sees Akira's face softening. "Hey Hikaru let go!" Akira protests as he tries to wiggle out of Hikaru's tight hold. Hikaru smirks and kisses Akira firmly, before dancing away to the living room. Akira shakes his head at suck silliness before resuming the ramen. Hikaru had been too busy messing around to notice the ramen, much to Akira's relief. He really wanted it to be a surprise.
Half an hour later, Akira dishes up the ramen into a bowl, piling on toppings. Akira places two bowls on a tray and walks into the living room. Hikaru's eyes light up at the site of the ramen and he runs over to give Akira a giant hug once Akira sets the tray down. Akira extracts himself as Hikaru digs in and returns to the kitchen to get two more bowls; Akira knows how much Hikaru can eat. "Kira, you are the best cook ever," Hikaru enthuses with his mouth full of ramen, which meant it came out as "mfrmph mmmf grmmh."
Akira hides a smile behind his hand and ignores the warm tingly feeling Hikaru's blissful moans filling the air gave him. Hikaru notices Akira's smile and waggles his eyebrows. Akira flushes as he eats his single bowl of ramen. Hikaru, of course, finishes his three bowls first and cannot resist teasing Akira. "I guess I'll do dishes since you cooked." Akira's protests died in his throat as Hikaru stretched, giving Akira a lovely view of his profile. Hikaru grins as he whisks away the dishes. Akira doesn't like Hikaru getting his hands dirty and usually doesn't let him work around the house so Hikaru feels pretty triumphant. The triumphant feeling quickly disappears when Akira sneaks into the kitchen and tickles Hikaru mercilessly. They end up rolling on the floor in a tickle fight that neither loses.
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Hikaru glares holes through the newspaper he's holding. On the front cover, there's a picture of Hikaru and Akira leaving Akira's house together. This is a normal occurrence, but the trash the author of the article writes and the things the article insinuates makes Hikaru red with fury. (The things are true, but the world does not need to know.) As Hikaru walks into the Go Institute, people swirl around Hikaru, assuring him that they don't believe a word the article says. They rush to too him they don't believe he would ever do such a despicable thing. Hikaru dazes out. Is it really so despicable for us to be together? Is what we have wrong? Why are these people sneering at the newspaper, laughing that the author would write such trash? Why do they think its trash? Why is it wrong for Akira and me to be together? Hikaru brushes away these depressing thoughts as he mentally prepares himself for his next game. Even though he was playing an amateur, it would've been rude to play sloppily.
Akira is having similar thoughts as he sees the paper. However, there's another emotion besides sadness in his heart. Shame and guilt weigh him down as he reads the article and wonder what his parents would think when they see this. Akira looks around sadly and sees people who are quick to judge smirk and turn away. When these people actually read past the front cover, they'll see an article from the Go Institute refuting all such claims, but what if the truth comes out? Akira too brushes his thoughts away as he mentally prepares himself for the day to come, but in the back of his mind, the seed of doubt takes root.
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Akira walks in his front door to see his father, seething on the couch. Akira silently shoos Hikaru away; this will probably be ugly and his father will probably explode more if he sees Hikaru. With a resigned sigh, Akira closes the door and approaches his father. "Who dares write such filth?" Akira's dad demands in a cold voice laced with steel. Akira's mom was sitting next to him in tears. Akira calms things down the best he could before silently trudging up to his room.
As he readies himself for bed (he really isn't in the mood to play go), Akira thinks about the situation. I've been so happy this month. Hikaru is…everything I could ever ask for in a partner. He's there for me when I need somebody to rant to. He's there for me when I freak out. He's there when I'm upset and he never fails to make me smile. Hikaru's the light in my life and the one thing I look forward to every day. Am I being selfish? Akira thinks back to the smirks of the people in the street, his father's rage, and his mother's tears. What would happen if people find out? What would happen to us, to our careers? My father would disown me. My mother would be so disappointed. The entire country would hate us and look down on us. Our entire lives would be over. Akira tosses and turns as his doubts overwhelm him.
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Nest morning, Hikaru smiles brightly when he sees Akira but the smile fades when he sees how worn Akira looks. "Akira are you okay?" Hikaru tentatively asks as he falls into step with Akira. Akira fakes a smile. "I'm fine, just a little tired. I have to go, my teaching games are early today." Akira rushes off, leaving Hikaru feeling forlorn and worried. Maybe he's sick? Or maybe he didn't get enough rest? Hikaru frowns and quickly makes a detour to a restaurant, knowing Akira feels better after he's had some congee. Hikaru drops it off in Akira's locker at the Go Institute before going to play his teaching games. They're schedules don't intersect today, so Hikaru wouldn't get to see Akira and give it to him in person.
At lunchtime, Akira smiles sadly as he opens his locker to see the congee and a note from Hikaru saying "Feel better! \(^o^)/" The note was clearly intended to cheer him up, but all Akira could feel was a hole in his heart. No matter what, things weren't going to work out. Akira had thought long and hard the night before. He had no right to put his mother through that kind of heartache. What's more, he couldn't bash both Hikaru and his own dreams, not to mention his father's. There was too much risk in the two of them staying together. Hikaru, why couldn't you have been born a girl? Akira couldn't face Hikaru again. It was too hard to look into that smiling face. He couldn't bear to see the light and joy in Hikaru's eyes fade when he told him. Akira scribbles a note, saying he had finally agreed to an omai with a girl from a respected family, and drops it into Hikaru's locker.
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Hikaru reads the note and feels something inside breaking. His bag slips from his hands as a single tear slides down his face. Hikaru wordlessly closes his locker, picks up his bag and walks out the door. Inquiries about if he's okay and how his games have been fell on deaf ears as he numbly walks with no destination in mind. An omai. The note had said Akira had agreed to an omai, but there was so much more that one sentence said. Akira had agreed. He wanted to go. He's been turning down invitations from other families and denying his parents requests for weeks…until now. Akira agreed to meet with a girl, to talk to her, to get along with her. Akira told me he had been turning down omais because he'd rather spend time with me, but he agreed to this one. After that article, he agreed, and he didn't even tell me face to face. There's no denial on this note; there's nothing on it to imply he's doing this against his will. No further words were needed for Hikaru to get the message. Maybe I'm making a mistake? Maybe Akira didn't mean it like that?
Hikaru held that flare of hope close to his heart as he rang the doorbell. Hikaru had the keys to the house but Akira's parents were home, and they didn't know that. Akira's mom answers the door. "Hikaru san, how are you? Are you looking for Akira? Come in." Akira mom ushers Hikaru to Akira's door and quickly goes back to preparing dinner.
Hikaru hesitates at the door. "I thought today was my place Akira." Akira flinches as he hears Hikaru's voice. "I'm sorry Hikaru. I can't do this. I can't risk everybody finding out." Akira's voice was barely a whisper, but it cut Hikaru like a knife in the silent room. His worse fears confirmed, Hikaru races down the stair and out the door, tears blurring his way. Akira's mom glances worriedly at her son's closed door and the front door before sighing. Her dreams of her boy settling down with a nice girl were coming true, so why didn't she feel satisfied she wondered.
Akira tried to numb the pain by reading endless kifus. I did what had to be done. Nothing good would have come out of us being together. However, that didn't prevent blotches from appearing on the texts and Akira ignored his mother when she called him for dinner.
Hikaru ran down the street to the nearest park to collapse onto a bench. The tears didn't stop when it started to rain and Hikaru didn't get up. He sat there through the night, his tears mingling with the rain.