Author's Notes: Bioware owns these characters, the Mass Effect universe, and all those wonderful things.

This is my first fanfic, so go easy on me! I've read a few fanfics involving deliciously bad breakups with Kaidan. Love them! :) I decided to try my hand at writing a fanfic mostly because I wondered how it might go if Kaidan was actually okay with Shep moving on. I really never hated Kaidan after all, and I think his character has the potential to be mature about it. Also, after a few ME2 play-throughs, I began to think more about his reaction on Horizon. I realized that what made my ParagonShep the most upset was that he seemed to not 'get it' that she HAD to work with Cerberus. It seemed so counter to the example she had set. So, I tried to add here how Shep would deal with that bothering her, too. Finally, Shep is nameless, because I felt like that makes it easiest to read... since everyone has their own Shep. Hope you enjoy!

Shepard sat at her console, analyzing the message she had quickly prepared.

To: Commander Alenko, Systems Alliance
From: Shepard, Citadel Council Spectre
The Normandy-SR2 will be arriving at the Citadel later this evening for maintenance and consult with the Council/Alliance over the next few days. I was wondering if you had time to meet at Flux tonight - perhaps around 2100. We should talk.

She sighed. It was so impersonal. Like a memo sent from Alliance Command. But she didn't want to say anything else. A recipient could easily mistake text to mean something unintended. She didn't want to come across as even remotely affectionate. She didn't want it to seem like she was leading him on.

She sat, blankly staring at her reflection in the glass display case in front of her. Nothing. No amazing revelation came to her about how to deal with Kaidan. She snorted a laugh - this is what you get for getting too close with a fellow officer. Maybe she deserved it. Not that it had really taught her anything - she was with Thane now, another member of her crew.

No, she decided, this is different. He wasn't her subordinate. In fact, he was there of his own free will. He had chosen to work with her. He had certainly chosen to pursue their relationship. She chuckled to herself, thinking of his first indication of interest when she had suggested they could be more than friends: 'That's... intriguing.' He had decided to stay on to continue their work against the Reapers. As had everyone else - she smiled to herself. She was truly proud of her cohesive little team.

As if on cue, the doors slid open with a hiss behind her. She didn't need to look; his quiet footfalls were easy to discern. "Thane." Looking over her shoulder, she saw him stride into the room.

He nodded ever so slightly and replied warmly, "Siha." She smiled at him, releasing pent up tension in the form of a sigh. He walked up behind her and rubbed her shoulders with his strong hands. She melted at his touch, turning in the chair to face him. She knew he'd see the message - nothing escaped his observant eyes. She didn't mind. There were no secrets between them. He knew of Kaidan, and her past with him. She could use his encouragement to deal with this issue.

He knelt and took her face in his hands, kissing her deeply. She lingered, nibbling his lower lip, kissing the line down his chin and moving on to his neck. For a moment, she allowed herself to contemplate how he might distract her from that console. Mmm. As though he could read her mind, Thane ran his fingers through her hair, then softly brought her face up to look into his. Their eyes met. "You need to speak with him. Send it." As much as she hated to admit it, he was right. She let out a whimper - not wanting to be drawn back to the topic. He stood, walked down the steps and reclined on the bed, leaning against the headboard, studying her. Standing, she stretching her back. She stole a glance at him, tempted to jump on the bed and ravish him.

Back to business, Shepard. She retrieved her glass of water from the table and paced slowly at the foot of the bed. She took a sip, and then gazed back at the console. She had not clicked send. In fact, she still had not replied to Kaidan's original message. Even though they had finished their mission, and she'd somehow had time to reply to the Council, Anderson, and ... well, everyone else. Now they were arriving at the Citadel today, and she knew he would be there. She dreaded running into him.

Uggh, she groaned, flashing a pleading look at Thane. She put her water down and sat cross-legged on the end of the bed facing him. "I really don't know what to say. I've never had to talk to someone like this before. I don't want to hurt him. I'm worried he will become even more angry with me." She sighed, and looked down at her hands, the way she always did when she was troubled. "My old team, they're-- they're so important to me. It was my first real command, I feel so responsible for them." She stuck out her lower lip and blew at the locks of long hair that was falling into her face - they unsympathetically fell right back over her eyes.

"Siha, you can't avoid him forever. Perhaps he will react differently than you anticipate. He is a Commander now; this rank requires more of a soldier. You know this yourself. You've had to deal with difficult decisions and emotions many times - you came through unscathed. Maybe you should give him more credit. It is not unrealistic that you have become a changed person from the one he knew two years ago. He will understand."

She rolled these ideas around in her head. Thane never expected her to respond quickly; their conversations were easy and comfortable, not like the one she anticipated with Kaidan. Commander. Hm, she thought. She still found herself thinking of Kaidan as 'Lieutenant Alenko.' Maybe she was over-protecting him; maybe he could deal with whatever emotions were brought on by her revealing she'd moved on. But there was still his reaction on Horizon. This troubled her more than anything else. Had he learned nothing about her?

"I guess you're right. But still, the more I think about it, his words when I saw him last are what bother me the most. Sure, I was angry with him initially. But now, I'm just confused. I can't help but wonder why he-- how he could think I would be so blind and foolish. Did he really not understand that I had to work with Cerberus to stop the Collectors? How could he not understand?" She slumped on the bed, emotionally exhausted.

Thane sat up and moved towards her. He put one smooth hand on hers, and brushed the hair out of her face with his other. She looked at him, her thoughts lingering on his soulful eyes for a moment... a brief escape from what was troubling her. She couldn't believe how much she loved him. "Talk about this with him. You need to find resolution. And I will be here to comfort you afterwards, whatever happens." Thane, she thought to herself, he's always right. She sighed, allowed herself to lean into his embrace. Somehow, he made her feel stronger. It was nice to not always have to be the strongest - the one others leaned on. She listened to his heart beat, her head against his chest. She liked to remain in these moments when she could.

"Okay." she replied simply. "You're right." She kissed him lightly, then got to her feet. She walked over to the console and without allowing herself time to hesitate, sent the message. Walking back across the room, she curled up alongside him. She would think about what to say to Kaidan later.

***

Shepard saw him - sitting alone at the farthest table in the corner, by the window. He looked thoughtfully out the window, sipping on a sunset-colored drink. He hadn't seen her yet. Part of her wanted to pivot on her heel and retreat. Her mind wandered as she advanced slowly through the patrons, distracting herself from what she was sure was going to be an uncomfortable meeting. The music. Ugh, the music. Why had she suggested they meet at Flux? She grit her teeth. She couldn't avoid him forever. Best to deal with this head-on, like any other problem. She didn't know why it seemed so difficult.

He saw her. Her body felt suddenly more tense. A wave of annoyance ran over her - calm down, damn it! Hell, she had made decisions that affected the entire galaxy, and now she was worried about one man's hurt feelings? She took a deep breath and closed the small distance to his table, forcing a smile. She hoped it looked genuine.

He stood as she arrived at the table. She realized he going to hug her. Quickly, she shook her hand dismissively, pretending she thought he was standing in an unnecessarily polite gesture... rather than an affectionate one. She quickly sat in the nearest chair. He sat too, seemingly not offended by her dismissal.

"Hey, Kaidan, its good to see you." she said simply. She wanted to smack herself for how stupid it sounded. Oh, is this ever awkward.

He looked at her quizzically, then laughed. "Yeah, its good to see you, too, Shepard. I was surprised you asked to meet when you arrived at the Citadel. I expected to have to hunt you down and beg you to see me," he paused, "after what happened on Horizon, I mean. You never wrote back."

"I know." She replied, not knowing what to say. She looked at her fingers, clasped on the table before her. Words were sometimes so easy for her. She could spin up a speech to give strength to her team even in the worst situation. But now-- damn it. She glanced up at his face, and then quickly away out the window, trying to appear pensive. She prayed he'd allow her time to compose some sort of response. She had prepared dozens of replies in her head to his message. There had been plenty of time to think about it, after all. But just as she had never actually responded to his message, she couldn't find the words now. It seemed too hard to explain. Unfortunately, she couldn't put Kaidan off anymore - he was sitting right in front of her.

He looked as if he were about to speak, but a slender Asari walked up and interrupted, "can I get anything for you, Ma'am?"

Shepard looked up at her with a relieved smile and replied with the first thing that came to mind: "can I get a Serrice ice brandy?"

"Of course." the Asari replied gracefully and headed off.

"Wasn't that Chakwas' favorite drink?" Kaidan thought aloud.

"Yeah, she got me hooked on the stuff." she replied.

Kaidan reached for his drink and took a sip. Apparently he had sensed the tension, because he changed the subject. "So, what the hell happened with you? I guess you succeeded at stopping the Collectors? It seems most of your reports are classified - I can't find anything out."

"I guess the Council is deciding which parts of my report they want to release. You know... they must be going through, cutting out all reference to those 'Reapers' I keep imagining." She smiled wryly. He laughed. She felt a pang of sadness, realizing that she enjoyed joking around with him - being friends. She desperately hoped that it could stay that way.

She began telling him about their mission, after their discoveries on Horizon. She described the trap set up by the Collector ship, their findings on how the Omega 4 relay worked. Then she told him how Cerberus knew of a derelict Reaper, and how they'd managed to get the IFF from it. Then, after installing it, the crew had been abducted by the Collectors and she'd had to go after them, ready or not. He listened, without word, to all of it. Whether he was enthralled by her adventures or judging her every action, she wasn't sure.

***

"... and then I just... jumped..." she paused for a breath and took a gulp of brandy, "Hell, I really didn't even think I'd make it to that airlock. It was so far - I was sure I'd fall. And damn, was it a long way down! That was probably the second scariest thing that's ever happened to me. But somehow I made it, and we got the hell out of there before that Collector base blew."

Surprising her, Kaidan suddenly interrupted. "What was the scariest thing that's happened to you?"

She looked up at him. Her reply came without pause, "Dying."

His brow furrowed, and he looked pained, "sorry, I-- I didn't mean to bring that up. I mean, I never realized-- well, that..."

"That I'd recall it with perfect detail?" Shepard finished for him. "Yeah, unfortunately, thanks to the medi-gel and stims in the suit. Kept me alive a lot longer than I would have liked. I still get nightmares about dying, helpless and alone in the vacuum of space." she sighed heavily, shaking her head as if to shake off the memories. She was surprised at herself for sharing that. Only Thane knew about those nightmares.

"I'm sorry, Shepard." Kaidan said, obviously not knowing what to say.

"It's okay, Kaidan. I guess... it gives me perspective. Maybe I needed a stern reminder of the fragility of my own life. I guess it made me rethink some things. What's important to me, you know?"

He looked hurt. She didn't mean it as a jab to him, but obviously he took it that way. He replied, "So, I guess what you're getting at is that I'm not that important to you anymore? Because of what happened on Horizon?" She rolled her eyes and was about to come back with a sharp retort when the Asari brought them each new drinks. Shepard hadn't realized they'd been emptied during her story. It was good that the interruption had come when it did. She didn't want the conversation to move in this direction anyway.

She took a breath, "No, Kaidan. I don't resent you for what you said on Horizon. It's in the past. I just, well-- mostly I feel that I've failed you. I need to fix this. Its not about our friendship. It's about bigger things. My responsibilities to you."

He looked at her, confused. She continued: "Don't get me wrong. Yeah, it hurt me when you wouldn't help me in my mission. I was pissed, in fact. You never even gave me an opportunity to defend myself. Of course I didn't trust Cerberus. Hell, you think I'd forget what happened to me on Akuze? Or Admiral Kahoku, or Toombs? Those experiments we stopped?? Damn it, Kaidan, I just wanted my old team back... Garrus stood beside me; he trusted me. Tali too - and even Joker and Chakwas. And though they couldn't join us, both Liara and Wrex accepted me with open arms. They all understood that though I didn't trust Cerberus at all, it was the only option available to me. That didn't mean I compromised my morals, my identity. I had to stop the Collectors - and that meant utilizing Cerberus aid. You've got to get it through your head that sometimes..." she paused, catching herself before she became too upset, "well, these decisions aren't always black and white."

He looked completely taken aback. "You're a Commander, now. You need to understand this. You can't base command solely on feelings or duty. Neither of them is a perfect gauge for what is right. Think about it. If I'd used only one to decide what to do after Virmire, well... if it were my feelings, I would have probably cursed the Council and personally shot Udina... and if it were duty to the Alliance, I would certainly not have had Anderson help me commit mutiny and steal their top warship. I decided to go after Saren - because its what had to be done. For the greater good. Unfortunately, its not a perfect universe. Sometimes, you just have to choose the best available option... out of less than ideal choices."

She sighed. "I need to feel confident that I didn't fail to teach you about the realities of command. You were part of my team, Kaidan. I was responsible for making sure you grew as a soldier and... I'm worried I put our friendship above that. I just don't understand how - of all people - you were the one who couldn't understand my actions. I can't see any explanation other than, somehow, I failed." She paused, dropping her face into her hands, "Uggh, does this make any sense? I feel like a rambling idiot. I just-- I can't get it off my mind."

Kaidan looked down at the table, "Shepard, I don't want you to feel like this. I understand what you're saying. You're right. Maybe it was too easy for me to fall back on rules and regs rather than staying true - than fighting for what I knew was right. You were the best example of that anywhere. You didn't fail to teach me anything. I should have supported your arguments more after you died, like the rest of the crew. I was a coward. Everyone was disbanded; they all suffered in one way or another because they wouldn't stop supporting you and what you stood for. I guess it was just easier for me to give up, since I was dealing with my own pain. I should have tried to be more like them, like you. Especially-- especially when you came back from the dead. You taught me that. I was just a fool. I let my feelings blind me. If I could go back and change things, I would. I wish I could. I'm... sorry."

She spoke more gently this time, "I don't need you to be sorry, Kaidan. There's no need to dwell on the past. Learn from it; think about what I've said. I know you - you're a good man. And please, I'm not saying you have to support me always, either." She laughed. "My current crew certainly is full of people who feel free to express their differing opinions. Hell, most of the time I appreciate them for it. You'll know when to stand up, to make the choices that have to be made. No matter what you're up against. Be strong. Be that kind of Commander."

He nodded, "I will, Shepard. I owed that to your memory before, but I failed. I won't let you down again."

"I have no doubt that you have it in you. You're just the kind of man the Alliance needs. If I could choose any one thing to impart on the people under my command, to be remembered for - that's it. I could die tomorrow - who knows. Its happened once already, right? I wanted to make sure I've done right by you." She paused, "All that being said, I am damn proud to say that maybe, just a little, I helped to shape you into 'Commander Alenko.'" she chuckled again, lightly.

She threw back the last gulp of her brandy. "Well, I've talked your ears off. I probably should get back to the Normandy... it was good seeing you, Kaidan."

"Wait..." he grabbed her arm as she started to stand, keeping her there. "I thought, well... I thought maybe we could spend some time together, you know. Its been a long time, but maybe we could..." he trailed off. There it was - he'd brought it up. She looked at him, then down at his hand, sure that he could see the pained expression that she was trying desperately to hide.

"Kaidan, I-- I care about you a great deal, but I'm a different person now. I can't be the person I was, the person you knew. Because of-- dying. Because of what has happened to me since I was brought back. The time that has passed," she sighed heavily, "it's changed everyone around me. At first that was hard to deal with - hard for me to accept. But now, I've moved on, too. With life, and... well, I've met someone."

He released his grip, and looked down. His face appeared struck... with pain? Anger? She wasn't sure. He looked shocked. Had he really not considered that she wouldn't want this? She felt horrible. She couldn't look at him. "I-- I don't know how to say it other than that. Hell, this is so awkward. You'll always be a dear friend, but I just ... I love this man. I never wanted to hurt you." She cursed under her breath, closing her eyes. "I think... I-- I should go, I am just making a mess of this."

She stood, and turned to walk out, feeling flush in the face, as if everyone in the damn bar was looking at her. This was terrible. She was sure he'd hate her with everything in him now. She started away, but she felt him grasp her arm again. She turned, half expecting to have to fight him.

Instead, he looked calm. Now she was the one who was shocked. He opened his mouth slightly, starting to say something... then paused, as if not sure how to word what he wanted to say. They hung there for what seemed like an eternity of silence to her. Finally, he tilted his head slightly, and smiled. "I'm glad you're happy, Shepard. Of all the people in this galaxy, you damn well deserve it. Don't worry. I-- well, this is a lot to take in all at once," he let out a huff of a laugh, "I've got a lot to think about. But, don't worry about me. I'm good - really. And about us - you and I - we'll always be friends."

He released his grip, running his hand down her arm to her hand. He held it for a moment, still smiling. Finally, she smiled back, trying to hold back tears. She couldn't think of anything to say... a quiet "Thanks" was all she could utter. It didn't seem like much to say, but it was befitting enough between them.

He released her hand and stood, still smiling, "See you around, Shepard. Oh, and tell this guy that I said he'd better know how lucky he is to have you."

She actually laughed, "I will - definitely. Catch you later, Commander Alenko." She smirked a little at the title. Every one of them had been through hell in the past few years. It seemed that, despite what she had feared, he was better for it. Maybe they all were.

***

She watched him walk out. Emotions whirled in her. Hope and pride, for him becoming the Commander that she knew he was capable of being. Release from the anxiety that had led up to this meeting. Many other things. It was confusing, but still a great relief. She flopped clumsily back down into her seat.

The Asari waitress returned. "I see your companion has left... would you like anything else?"

"Another ice brandy, please." The waitress nodded and went to retrieve the drink. Shepard breathed out slowly, allowing her mind to relax as she stared blankly out the window in front of her.

The waitress came and left another drink on the table. Taking a few sips, she closed her eyes. Alone with her thoughts. She mindlessly ran her fingers around the rim of the glass slowly, silent. The simplicity of its curves was somehow soothing to her senses.

After a long while, a familiar deep voice interrupted her trance, "May I join you?" A smile curled the corner of her mouth. Thane. She looked up at him, standing by her side, with his hands clasped behind his back.

"Have you been here the entire time?" she asked. She knew he could have been, if he'd wanted. She wouldn't have known.

"No, of course not." he replied with a wave of his hand as he sat down. He took the chair Kaidan had been in, sliding it close beside her. "I was visiting Kolyat. His shift started at C-Sec, so I was heading back to the Normandy. I knew you were meeting here, so I thought I'd check, though I didn't really expect to find you still here." The waitress interrupted, asking if he wanted anything. He declined her offer politely. After she left, he glanced down at her brandy, then back up to her eyes. "How did it go?"

Shepard shook her head, genuinely still a bit surprised by Kaidan's response. "Really well, actually. It may not have been what he wanted to hear, but he was okay with it. I'm glad it turned out like it did. I think I was wrong about him - he has changed. For the better. I don't think I need to worry about him anymore. He's going to make a great Commander," she nodded to herself. After a moment, she turned to him and smiled coyly. "He also told me to tell you that you'd better realize how lucky you are."

"Oh, I do, Siha." He took her hands in his; she adored it when he did that.

"How did things go with Kolyat?"

Thane's lip curled into the tiniest of smiles - the kind only Shepard really ever recognized. "He is well. Enjoying his work at C-Sec. It seems he may want to continue working there once his 'community service' is through. I must admit, I'm surprised."

"That's great! I guess maybe he won't resent that I put him there, then." She chuckled.

"Actually, he asked me to tell you he appreciates what you did for him." she noticed he was hesitating, in thought. He picked up her brandy, tilting it in his hand as if to study it, then took a long drink. "I told him about us." he said finally.

She perked an eyebrow at him. "How did he respond?"

"By laughing, of all things. He said that he had assumed that the only way a 'loner like me' would follow you on your mission was if I had feelings for you."

She laughed and poked his arm teasingly. "Well, isn't Kolyat a romantic. So it wasn't saving innocents, after all? I should have known. All men are alike, no matter what the species." She rolled her eyes and feigned a disgusted sigh.

"Perhaps." He raised an eyebrow, playing along. "Commander Shepard: not just the savior of humanity and the galaxy ... also devastatingly sexy in that exotic human way. How could I possibly resist?" She nearly laughed herself out of the seat.

After catching her breath, "Honestly, I didn't think Kolyat would react that way, though. And he wants to stay on at C-Sec, too? I wonder if he's met anyone here on the Citadel?"

"I asked him that. He was reluctant to come forth with any information about it." Thane leaned forward, putting his elbows on the table and added with a straight face, "I cannot threaten to sell his balls to a Krogan if I don't get the answer I seek, so... I suppose I will just have to work it out of him in another way. I am afraid my parenting skills are quite out of practice."

Shepard laughed, gulped the last of her brandy, and stood. "Let's get back to the Normandy. I want you to tell me everything Kolyat had to say. Oh, and afterwards..." she added, narrowing her eyes seductively, "I can show you just how lucky you are to have me."

Thane's eyebrow shot up; a small smirk crossed his lips. He really thinks he can still play hard to get, after all those cheesy lines, she thought.

"That's... intriguing." He said as he stood and put his arm around her waist. It was all she could do to keep a straight face. She wanted to jump him right there.

Oh, is he ever lucky, she smiled as they walked out together.