I'M SO SORRY I HAVEN'T POSTED IN TWO MONTHS!!! I don't even have a good excuse this time, either! T.T

PLEEEEEEEEASE forgive me!

Disclaimer-- I don't own FFIX. Or LOST. (noooooooooo, Sun and Jin!!!!!!!!!!!! You CAN'T die! I FORBID it!)

Gah, so much sorrrrrroooooooowwwwwwwww!

Chapter 6-

Someone let out a girlish squeal.

It took me a moment to realize the squeal came from me. I tried to compose myself, but as soon as another slobbery lick wiped my face I couldn't help but let out another.

Zorn and Thorn simultaneously sighed. "Told her ready was not, she," one muttered.

"That you did," muttered the other.

"GET THE HECK OFF ME!" I bellowed, fighting against the silver mass with all my strength. But, in case you didn't know, dragons are very hard to move. They're heavy. Very heavy. "DANG IT, ANORANDI, STOP LICKING MY FACE!"

Behind us I heard Brahne and Terra giggling like no tomorrow. "Zidane!" I called. "Get him- her, uh, it!- off of me!"

"Calm down, Kuja!" he said, practically giggling with the girls. "Weren't you ranting that you wanted a friend?"

I glared at him from beneath a slobbery mess. "I hate you."

The king grinned.

"But," Anorandi interjected, "I just wanted to find Kuja. That's it."

Wonderful! And all the psychopaths adore me! So…. WONDERFUL….

My eyeball twitched. "And you couldn't help but turn into a dragon and slobber me?"

She grinned, faintly blushing. "Er… sorry about that, Boss."

"I am not your boss!"

"Kuja, calm down! Sheesh, one would think you'd actually be a little happy for once, but apparently not," Zidane sighed, rubbing his temples.

I scowled at him, then turned to Anorandi again. "Why are Thorn and Zorn calling you their 'Other Master'?"

She shrugged. "Probably because I picked them up at Gurgu before I came to Alexandria."

"YOU PICKED THEM UP!?"

Sheepishly, she admitted, "I thought you'd want to have lackies again."

I now openly groaned, raising from my chair. "You thought I'd want to have my past bombard me again!? Whatever made you think I would ever want to go back to what I used to have?"

"Because these people are turning you into someone else."

I blinked, the words vanishing from my mouth. Anorandi looked up at me with cold eyes, and I realized that I was changing. But… was that a good thing? Or….

Obviously tired from the long journey and having to help pry a dragon off me, Zidane's face smacked onto the table, he starting to snore. I sighed and wrapped one arm over my shoulder.

And dear Bahamut was he heavy!

"Has that Qu been feeding you rocks!?" I hissed. Zidane didn't stir, except to only snort out another snore.

Groaning, I dragged him by the arms over to the door, kicking it open. "Ow!" someone whined.

"King moving through," I announced, not bothering to apologize seeing as it was Eiko. The princess of Lindblum scowled at me, then glared down at Zidane. Roughly, she grabbed the front of his shirt and tried to shake him awake.

Slapping his face didn't work either.

Neither did putting his sock to face.

Finally Eiko reached underneath him and pulled out his tail menacingly. "If you're not up by the count of three," she growled, "then this is going to be ripped off."

"Three…."

"You know, that really hurts," I said, wincing from the memory of a time I'd rather forget….

Ignoring me, Eiko put down a finger and said, "Two…."

Finally, she yelled, "ONE!" and yanked hard on his tail.

Zidane screamed like Brahne and Terra, kicking me in the face and punching Eiko. "WHAT THE FREAKING HECK WAS THAT FREAKING FOR!?" he screeched. "THAT IS CALLED SEXUAL HARRASMENT, I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW! Good Lord, my tail!"

Eiko narrowed her eyes and started her reprimand. "You're the king of Alexandria! You do NOT fall asleep in a room with two of the world's most evil villains!"

"AND YOU DO NOT PULL ON SOMEONE'S TAIL!"

I yelped as she yanked down hard on my tail. "I just pulled on his!"

"THAT IS IT! SO HELP ME, AS SOON AS I GET MY MAGIC BACK YOU ARE TURNING INTO A FUDGING OGLOP!"

Eiko only grinned, yanking down hard again on both mine and Zidane's tail.

I winced sitting down at dinner that afternoon. Zidane wasn't even risking the tumultuous pain. Garnet cocked an eyebrow, looking between us. "What happened now?"

Grudgingly we admitted, "…We were violated."

"The tail?" she asked conversationally. What the heck was wrong with this woman!?

I gaped. "'The tail'!? 'The tail'!? Have you ever felt that much pain before!? HAVE YOU!?"

She blushed. "Sorry."

I slumped in my seat, rubbing the tip of my tail. "Yeah, so am I."

And as Eiko burst into maniacal laughter, Zidane and I lunged.

It turns out I still had a job working at Ruby's Theatre. While she and Trace scavenged the city for any available playwrights or acts, the rest of the troupe and I were subject to the worse few hours of our lives with Tantalus.

If I hear so much as an innuendo contributing to another "Yo momma" joke, a gender joke, OR a tail joke, I think I will rip the heads off of Baku, Cinna, Marcus, and Blank.

Really.

"You know," Blank started, leaning back in his chair (I resisted the urge to trip him out of it), "I've always wondered something…."

"Yeah? Why your mom's so da*^ fat?" Cinna offered.

Must not… kill….

"'Cuz she had you, I'd expect," Blank snapped. "Naw, I've always wanted to know why the he*$ Zidane always got the ladies! I mean, look us! We're sexy, man, and he… he…. Gah, it's driving me insane, you know!?"

"This is a normal conversation between the four of you?" I deadpanned.

Blank looked back at me, surprised. "What? Oh… um… well… see, we, uh, sort of…-"

Baku burst into obnoxious laughter. "That's why Zidane's king and ya'll ain't! Ya stutter too much!"

"Th-that's not true! I do not stutter!"

"I think ya just did!" Marcus crowed.

"Shuddup, Marcus!"

"Aw, little Blank's mad at us, Boss!" Cinna sniggered.

Palming myself, I got up and walked out of the theatre.

Just from one conversation, I believe I have lost about twenty brain cells. You know, you can't get those back. In fact, I think I'm a little scared now of how I'll be after a few more weeks of this….

"Howdy thar, Kuj!" Zidane goofily cried.

"Well, howdy thar, Zidane!" I stupidly replied.

I openly shuddered. That's it. I have to get out of this place. I have to get on the first airship that comes into Alexandria, I need to change my name and move to some remote continent Zidane, the Fan Girls, or my deranged dragon would not dare follow me to.

But where….

"Kuja!"

I turned around to one of the alleys behind me. I narrowed my eyes when I saw Zidane, waving me over urgently. And simply because of the sour mood his traveling pals put me into, I took my dear sweet time into walking over to him. "Yes, dear brother?"

He peeked out onto the street (right, Zidane. No one would DARE suggest the KING OF ALEXANDRIA would be up to any funny business in an ALLEY.) and, after assuring the coast was clear, turned to me solemnly. "Kuja, we've got a massive problem."

"Zorn and Thorn, Anorandi, and Eiko are not my problem; thus, you cannot hold me accountable to anything and/or anyone they massacre, desacrate, destroy, emotionally scar, and/or obliterate in my name or in spite of me," I stated, crossing my arms.

"This isn't about them. We think we know who set the castle on fire," Zidane started.

I cocked an eyebrow and leaned back against a brick wall. "Yes?"

Biting his lip, he said, "Well, Steiner thinks you did it, of course."

We both said, "The moron."

I bade him to continue. The stupid, obese knight had nothing well worth taking into consideration anyway. Holding up a finger for each name, he listed about five terrorists that had recently popped up on the Mist continent over the last ten years and were still quite active sadists. He also named off a bunch of other idiots, none of which I knew.

"I don't see what this has to do with me," I finally interrupted. "If no one is going to come after me with a pitchfork and torches, I see no reason why at all I should really care about this."

Zidane groaned. Behind his hand, he let out a muffled word.

"What was that?" I asked.

Scowling, he muttered it again.

I scowled back. "I cannot understand 'mutter', Zidane."

"We think it may be Trace!"

My eyes went wide, my mouth dropped open, and I had a very intriguing and totally ADD thought about seeing the Tantalus group swimming in acidic water containing mutant leeches that not only sucked blood, but also liked to bite off limbs with their abnormally sized jaws.

So I wasn't one of the best good guys to ever live, but….

But Trace was innocent. She was morally straighter than Garnet for Pete's sake! "Well, Zidane, you've got to fix this!"

He flinched. "What?"

"You couldn't possibly think Trace did it, could you!?" I burst, arms flailing wildly. "You've got to do something about this. She wasn't even there! I mean, I thought she was, but obviously the lack of oxygen from all the smoke-"

"Wait a minute. That's a main point, right there. You said before that you saved her, right? And then later she said that she was in Fossil Roo during the attack. Why was she even in the castle- if she ever was? I mean, the palace isn't exactly a inn," Zidane interrupted. He sighed and scratched the back of his irritably. "I've been gone only three days, and it feels like a year."

I also sighed. "Try waking up ten years after you die. It's a blast."

Zidane perked up. "Anorandi!"

"What?"

"Come on, follow me! I think I know what ha- ahhhhhhhhh!"

We skidded to a halt to see Anorandi in dragon form flying over head, spewing fire. "Darn dragon!" I cursed, hauling the king along behind me. Yelling into the theatre to warn the actors and buttheads, I shouted, "Hey! We've got a dragon on the loose! Everybody out!"

The Tantalus brothers all let out an echoing curse, knocking over various chairs and the table. "What the $%k is a d$% dragon doin' here!?" Blank sputtered, reaching the door first.

"Gah, I bet it was Anorandi who did it! She's been hiding out in Alexandria this whole time!" Zidane raged, pulling out two daggers from underneath his cloak. Did he always carry those around? He turned to me. "I hope you're ready for some serious magic, dude, because it's go-time."

I cleared my throat. "Two things, Zidane. One: don't ever say 'it's go-time' ever again. Two: I don't have my magic."

"You're… magic less…?"

"Yes."

Zidane looked back at the dragon with a fierce expression. With a sure nod, he declared, "We're royally screwed."

I clicked my tongue. "Sounds about right."

Please remember to review, okay? Please? Pretty please? (Unleashes Terra and Brahne with the puppy-dog eyes) See? Even they want you to review!!

-WiREP