Look out for falling Sulu/Chekov silliness and crack. And lots of cursing. And general ridiculousness.

Disclaimer: I don't own this. Have to say, JJ Abrams is awesome, though.

"Okay, people. I've called this meeting to discuss something very important," Kirk announced. When he didn't continue, Uhura, McCoy and Scotty looked at each other nervously. Spock just raised an eyebrow. Whatever their captain was planning, it couldn't end well.

"And what might that important thing be, Jim?" McCoy asked.

"Well," Jim said solemnly, "everyone here knows that Sulu and Chekov have been dancing circles around each other for weeks now, right?"

Everyone's faces looked blank. Especially Spock's, but that wasn't particularly surprising. Jim threw his hands up in exasperation. "Come on, guys! You have to have noticed that thing they have going on!"

"Even if we had, Captain-"

"It's Jim, Spock."

"Even if we had, Jim, I fail to see where you are attempting to lead this discussion, or why you asked us to meet- in secret, no less- during Beta Shift, when we could all be taking this time to obtain necessary rest," Spock said.

"Hey, hey, hey. This is a perfectly justifiable and necessary meeting, hear me out," Kirk shot back. There was another prolonged uncomfortable silence.

"Maybe we would hear you out if you actually said what you're going to say," Uhura ventured.

"I'm getting there. This needs a dramatic build-up, Nyota." Jim smirked.

"Don't call me that."

"So anyway, I've called you all here because we need to get Sulu and Chekov together at all costs," Jim declared.

"Ah, sorry t'be asking, but why do we need to do this?" Scotty asked.

"Because it's true love, Scotty! We're aiding the cause of true love!" Jim said, pounding his fist on the table for emphasis.

McCoy listed off medicines in sickbay that could possibly have made Jim delirious. He was reasonably sure that he hadn't given any of them to Jim recently, but he may have been too drunk to remember.

"How do you propose we do this?" Spock asked. This 'true love' concept was somewhat strange as a reason, although he supposed it made more sense to a human.

Kirk brightened immediately. "That's the spirit! See, guys? Even Spock's going along with it!"

"Captain, that is-"

"Jim."

"Jim, that is primarily because I find it easier to agree with you in these situations as that, in general, ends the discussion more quickly."

"In any case, we're getting Sulu and Chekov together. And I have a plan to do just that!" Jim said.

"God help us all," McCoy prayed quietly.

"What might that plan be?" Uhura asked.

"Well, it involves stuffing them both in a closet and locking them in for a few hours…"

McCoy cradled his head in his hands. He could admit to himself that Jim was right and Sulu and Chekov were completely, sappily in love with one another, but to say that Jim's plans were right… that was a whole other kettle of fish.

"I like this plan! It's exciting," said Scotty, immediately happier at the thought of violence.

"So, who volunteers to carry out the deed?" Kirk asked.

Nobody raised their hand.

"Scotty, come on! Help me out here!"

"Sorry, Captain, but I'd rather not give up those excellent sandwiches that Mr. Sulu can prepare," Scotty admitted.

"Fine! I'll do it. Just you wait and see, this is going to do wonders for our command structure," Jim said. "My plans never fail!"

"Only if by 'never' you mean 'usually,'" Uhura added.

Jim stuck his tongue out at her.

"How can an adult be so juvenile?" McCoy despaired.

"Don't fret, Bones. James T. Kirk is on the job," Jim said cheerfully.

"Captain, the intricacies of human colloquialisms escape me, please explain why you are referring to yourself in the third person."

"Don't worry about it, Spock."

Three hours later, Kirk found himself waiting in an alcove by a broom closet for Chekov to walk by. His supplies consisted of two rolls of duct tape. After extensive reconnaissance- spying was such an ugly word- he had discovered that every day after his shift ended, Chekov would walk this way to get to his quarters.

All Jim needed to do was jump him from behind and push him into the closet and lock him in. It was one of the few closets whose doors actually could be slammed shut, rather than sliding. Then, when Sulu walked by after his daily gym time, he could shove him in as well.

Somebody tapped him on the shoulder. He whirled and came face-to-face with Chekov. Kirk gave a nervous smile.

"Capten, vhy are you hiding?" he asked.

"I could tell you, but then I would have to kill you," Jim replied mysteriously.

He then took the duct tape out from behind his back and carefully ripped off a square and placed it on Chekov's mouth. Chekov continued to stare at him, supremely confused, as he also wound some duct tape around his wrists as makeshift handcuffs.

"Sorry, kid. See, I have a plan." He chuckled at the sheer terror those words produced in Chekov's eyes.

Then Kirk led him by the arm and pushed him into the broom closet, slamming the door. Judging from the banging and muffled sounds coming from inside, the ensign had already gone from a state of shock to one of panic.

Jim went back to hiding in the alcove, biding his time. McCoy passed by and did a double-take upon noticing him.

"So I take it your plan is going well?" he asked.

"Excellent, actually."

"Right, well, if somebody gets hurt, you know where I am," McCoy called, walking away.

"Sure, Bones."

He spotted Sulu coming down the hall soon after. This time it would probably be trickier, since Sulu could actually hold his own in a fight. Jim thought. He didn't know how much holding your own in a fencing match could translate into holding your own in a fistfight.

As soon as Sulu got close enough to the alcove, Jim jumped out and socked him in the gut. Hitting him in the face would have been quicker, but Kirk was sure Chekov didn't want damaged goods.

"Captain, I know that I'm much more likely to get court-marshaled than you if I hit you back, so could you please explain why you just did that?" Sulu asked, wheezing a little from the sucker-punch.

"Sorry, Sulu, thought you were someone else. Come this way and I'll share an apologetic bottle of wine with you later," Jim took him by the arm and led him straight to the closet, opening the door and shoving him in, then quickly closing the door and locking it.

"Pavel? What the fuck?" Sulu's muffled voice said from inside the closet. "Is that duct tape on your mouth?!"

A ripping sound and a shriek of pain.

"Thank you, Hikaru. Is the door locked?" Chekov's voice, sounding a little hoarse.

The knob jiggled. "Yeah, but I think I can manage to get us out of here, I have my phaser since I was practicing on the range. What I really want to know is why the hell Kirk locked us in here… it was him that locked you in here, too, right?"

"Yes. I do not know vhy, as vhen I asked, he responded that he vould have to kill me if he told me," Chekov said. "Also, my hands are tied together behind my back. Vith duct tape."

"Fucking nutjob captain," Sulu mumbled. Kirk had to press his ear even harder to the door to catch that and he did not approve. He was doing them both a huge favor, here.

More ripping sounds and then the hiss of a phaser burning through metal. Jim felt bad that the ship, his beautiful ship, was getting hurt, but it was in the name of True Love, so he supposed he could let it slide.

However, he didn't really want an angry Sulu with a phaser chasing after him, so he walked away, whistling innocently. He guessed he would have to implement Plan B: deploy Spock.

The next day on the bridge, Kirk wandered over to Spock's station, humming. Spock looked up at him and raised an eyebrow.

"Did your plan not work out as intended, Captain?" he asked. Jim could swear the Vulcan was secretly laughing at him, the fucker.

"Not quite, Mr. Spock," Kirk said, sneaking a glance at Sulu and Chekov, who had been pointedly not talking to him all day, despite his best attempts to apologize and placate them with alcohol. He wondered if Bones had anything that could induce temporary amnesia.

"I'd like you to give them a push in the right direction, if you know what I mean," Jim said.

Spock's eyebrow ticked even higher. Kirk hadn't even known that was possible. "I do not."

"Just, you know, maybe imply to Chekov that Sulu's so into him," Kirk whispered furiously, making wide gestures with his hands. He had to keep his voice down so that the pilot and navigator couldn't hear him. "Or say to Sulu that Chekov's been crushing on him or something, I don't know!"

"I certainly do not know, either, Captain."

"Just go with it, Spock. Remember, this is in the name of true love! True love!"

"Yes, Captain."

Sulu looked up as Spock carefully seated himself across the table in the mess. Spock usually ate with Uhura in one of their rooms; it was a rarity to see him down here.

"Mr. Sulu. How are you enjoying your lunch?" Spock asked. Sulu was feeling a little intimidated by the Vulcan stare.

"Fine, thanks, Commander. Out of curiosity, why are you down here? Not that we don't want you here," Sulu amended quickly.

"The Captain wishes me to inform you that Ensign Chekov has been experiencing sexual desires for your body," Spock deadpanned.

Sulu choked on and subsequently spat out a mouthful of soup. "What?!"

"I believe you heard me correctly," Spock said.

"No, yeah, I'm sure I did, but why did the Captain decide to tell you to tell me this rather than coming to tell me this himself? Instead of pushing me into broom closets?" Sulu asked.

"I believe that the Captain feels himself to be a man of actions rather than words and believed it was more prudent to implement his plan first and then request me to speak for him when that plan failed," Spock reasoned.

"So…" Sulu shook his head a little to clear it. "Let me get this straight: he wants me and Pavel to get together for reasons unknown?"

"He mentioned that it was a dire fight in the name of true love and that it would greatly improve command structure," Spock clarified.

"I… see," Sulu said. Chekov walked up to the table and sat down next to Sulu.

"Hello, Hikaru, Commander," he said with a sunny smile.

"I must take my leave and go and meet Nyota in my quarters," Spock said, rising. "Excuse me, Ensign, Lieutenant."

Sulu gave a half-hearted wave in his direction, then turning to Chekov. "Did you know that Kirk is trying to get us together?"

Chekov blushed scarlet. "No, I did not," he replied. "Is he?"

"Apparently," Sulu said. "In the name of true love or something. You know how he is when he gets these ideas into his head."

Chekov turned an even deeper red. "Yes."

"Whatever," Sulu muttered. "Hopefully he's done with this ridiculousness."

"Yes," Chekov said, sighing. It was too bad that the Captain was very bad at making plans- this was one he would have liked to work out.

Sulu went back to eating, thinking that he would ask Chekov about… things when he was ready to ask Chekov about them, not when the Captain decided to play matchmaker.

Scotty found Chekov nursing a glass of vodka sometime later, wandering around Engineering. He didn't have the heart to tell the seventeen-year-old to get out of his department.

"Hey, lad, want t'go get a drink? I've got some fine Scotch, none of this vodka nonsense," Scotty offered. Chekov was looking particularly glum today- he suspected it had something to do with the Captain's plan.

"On the contrary, Mr. Scott, vodka is an excellent drink," Chekov responded, taking a large gulp from his glass.

Scotty couldn't suppress a snort. "In Scotland, we call vodka 'sodapop.' What's eatin' ya?"

Chekov looked at him with the most pathetic expression he had ever seen on a human being. "I vill tell you only if you say that Capten did not put you up to this."

"Nah, laddy, he didna. Well, he tried to, but I refused," Scotty added.

"All right. I think I actually might… love Hikaru," Chekov whispered the last words.

Scott raised his eyebrows. So it was true and the Captain wasn't as crazy as they thought. "Love? That's serious business, there. Are ya sure ya know what you're getting into?"

"No, I do not. That is the main part of the problem."

"Eh, does he, ah, love ya back?" Scotty asked, squirming. He was no good with these emotional problems.

"I do not think so," Chekov replied.

Scott was quiet for a few moments. "That's tough on ya. I don't think he doesna love you, though. Have ya asked?"

"No. I do not vant to disturb him vith my feelings- they are silly and unnecessary," Chekov said.

"That's na' true. Tell him," Scotty advised.

"Maybe I vill," Chekov said, wandering off again.

Scotty shrugged, deciding he had done all he could to further the Captain's goals.

"Ow! Doc, that hurts!" Sulu winced as McCoy gave him a hypospray in the neck for good measure. A few cuts from fencing without his whites on did not deserve a hypospray- the doctor was definitely just doing it to be vindictive.

Sulu got up off the bed and began to head towards the exit of sickbay, a little sore.

"So, Lieutenant. How is your relationship with Ensign Chekov going?" McCoy asked, casually cleaning a needle. Sulu froze in the doorway, turning around slowly.

"Did Captain Kirk put you up to this?"

"Yes and no," McCoy admitted. "I'm not doing this because he told me to, if that's what you're asking. I think he gave up after Spock's attempt."

"…Right. I'll just be going, then," Sulu said, edging out of the room.

"I asked you a question, Lieutenant," McCoy spoke softly. That tone was the most terrifying thing Sulu had ever heard, as it usually meant somebody was about to get viciously stabbed with a hypospray.

"I'm not ready to tell Chekov anything yet, Doctor," Sulu said. "I don't even know how he feels towards me!"

McCoy squinted at Sulu. "You can't possibly be as dim as that, even I see the way he looks at you on the bridge. My advice is to go tell him, Lieutenant."

"Whatever you say, Doc," Sulu said, walking out and doubting the doctor's words.

"Hopefully Jim doesn't come make a mess of this again," McCoy muttered to himself.

At dinner that night, Sulu and Chekov felt extremely awkward when they sat down at their usual table and every single pair of eyes in the mess focused on them and there was an echoing silence.

"Do you think the Captain's been spreading rumors about us?" Sulu murmured, looking around warily. Everyone was still staring at them.

"Probably. I think that if ve act casual, they'll stop looking at us like that, Hikaru," Chekov said.

"We are acting casual," Sulu whispered. "Except for the whispering, that is."

"This is a little scary, Hikaru," Chekov confessed.

"Don't worry. How about we move this to my quarters?" Sulu suggested. There was a furious ripple of whispers that spread from the tables nearest them who had overheard.

"See you guys later," Sulu declared loudly towards where the senior bridge staff usually sat. They picked up their trays and left, not noticing the tapping of several pairs of feet following their trail.

The ride in the turbolift was silent, as both men were still feeling a little freaked out from the eerie staring they had met in the mess hall. It was almost as bad as when Kirk had attempted to educate Spock about twentieth-century American culture by performing the YMCA dance and the bridge staff had treated him like more of a head case than usual for weeks. Then, though, the staring had been directed at Kirk, not Sulu and Chekov.

They reached Sulu's floor and got out, heading towards his room. Chekov had always wondered why Sulu's authorization code to enter his room was "Levap" but hadn't really ever bothered to question it.

Sulu was sometimes grateful that people who were geniuses in one field often tended to be a little slow in others.

"So, Pavel, in the interest of making everyone stop staring at us like we're lunatics, I have something to say to you," Sulu started.

"I, too, have something that I must admit," Chekov said.

"I, uh, I think I might love you," Sulu said. "You know, as more than a friend. As in I-sort-of-want-to-spend-the-rest-of-my-life-with-you love. It's actually a little terrifying." Upon seeing the stricken look on Chekov's face, he kept speaking. "I mean, it's totally okay if you don't love me back, it isn't like we couldn't go back to being friends and I'm sure we could maintain a professional relationship even though I would be really, really, desperately sad for a long time but you know, I could deal with that-"

"Hikaru," Chekov interrupted, beaming. Sulu thought that smile was like the sun coming up and hastily berated himself for being such a sap.

"…Yes, Pavel?"

The seventeen-year-old put his tray down and took Sulu's out of his hands and put it down as well. He tentatively cupped Sulu's face with his hands and drew him down into a kiss.

Sulu could feel Pavel's smile against his own as his arms went around his waist.

"I love you too."

They heard a few thumps and a group 'aw' from outside the door, then a voice that sounded suspiciously like the Captain's yelling "Oh, shit! I think they heard us!"

Just then, the door slid open and a distinctly inebriated-looking Kirk, Scotty and McCoy tumbled in. Spock and Uhura stood outside watching, Spock taking his hand off the keypad he had used to open the door.

Upon seeing Sulu and Chekov still caught in an embrace, Kirk gave a victorious whoop. "I knew you two would come around!"

Uhura frowned. "I owe the Doctor a bottle of Saurian brandy now. Damn, and that is expensive."

Spock raised an eyebrow at her. "It is unwise to make wagers without thinking of probability first, Nyota."

She smiled at him. "I know, I kind of wanted it to turn out this way anyway."

"Do you all hear that? James T. Kirk was right! I had a plan and it worked! Fuck yeah! Bones, Scotty, can I hear a whoop-whoop?"

"Aye, captain! Whoop, whoop!" Scotty hiccupped.

"Fuck you, Jim, this wasn't because of your plan."

"That's okay, it worked out in the end, am I right? Sulu, Chekov? Have you started with the sexing yet?"

"Captain, it is my belief that we would have noticed had they started with 'the sexing.' Clearly, they have not, as they are fully dressed," Spock pointed out.

"Oh, Spock. You take the fun out of everything." Jim pouted.

Chekov was steadily getting more red and flustered, so Uhura decided to take matters into her own hands and save the poor ensign. She strode into the room, grabbing Kirk's and Scotty's ears and frog-marching them out, her look back daring McCoy not to follow.

"Now, that's a woman," the doctor said in awe, trailing after her.

Spock quickly pressed some more keys. "Good evening, gentlemen," he said as the door slid closed again.

Chekov fell to his knees. "I don't think I have ever been more embarrassed in my life."

"That's okay, I'm right there with you."

"I suppose it is fine, then," Chekov reasoned.

"Pavel?"

"Yes, Hikaru?"

"Now that we've established... that, what do you think Kirk's next plot will be?" Sulu asked, the worry audible in his voice.

"I have no idea and I do not feel like finding out."

fin.

A/N: I have to admit, I kind of love Chris Pine's Kirk. And the entire reboot cast. As much as I love TOS. Eh. And I love reviews! ;)