Chapter 1: A Forbidden Love

"How, Dean?", Sam asked, watching his brother steadily.

Dean stilled. Could Sam possibly know? No, it just wasn't possible that he could know. " How?... what, Sam?", Dean asked through a mouth full of toothpaste.

Sam stared at his older brother and almost had to stifle a laugh because of the sudden stillness in Dean. It was almost as if his older brother had done something wrong. Then Sam started to wonder why Dean had become so still and cautious. Was there something Dean wasn't telling him?

" Nah. Never mind", Sam replied.

" No, Sammy. Ask away. Get whatever it is off your mind", Dean said, resigned to what may come from this situation he had gotten himself into. Damn feelings. Could Sam possibly see?

" Okay. So…why?", Sam asked.

Dean felt very confused now. He wanted to know why? Why what? Oh gosh, he does know, and Dean thought he had covered his feelings well. If Sam could see it so plainly, was it possible that Castiel could also see? Dean felt himself go into a panic.

" You want to know why?", Dean asked, still in a panic. Then he finished quietly, " I'm not sure you really want to know."

Sam did a double take. " I don't?", Sam asked, confused.

" No, believe me, you don't". Dean answered.

" Why not?", Sam asked.

" Wh- what? Are you serious?", Dean shouted.

" Yes. Why wouldn't I want to know? I mean it's just a simple inquiry into your belief system and how it works", Sam replied.

" Yeah well you know what? My private life is none of your damn…wait, what? My belief system?", Dean asked. Sam just nodded.

" What do you mean?", Dean asked.

" What I meant to ask was, how is it that you can believe in angels when we had a case before that might have involved angels and you couldn't believe then?", Sam asked.

" Cas has been around for quite a few months and you're just asking me now?", Dean asked, completely ignoring Sam's question about his whole belief in angels.

" Well, it just occurred to me that you pretty much readily believed that Cas was really an angel. So, why is it that before you couldn't seem to find it in yourself to even once believe, that maybe instead of a dead priest, there really might have been an angel there?", Sam asked.

" I dunno. I guess it was just the magic. The ferocity that came with Cas when we first met. He just, all around him, there was this air of power, or authority, even when I tried shooting him the first time", Dean explained.

Sam watched as his brother explained about Cas and it almost seemed that he…couldn't! No, it just wasn't possible. Was it because Cas was an angel? Was it just the power that attracted Dean to Cas? Or, could it possibly be that he was just attracted to Cas in a purely physical way? No, Dean was as straight as a board.

" His authority? That's what you're basing your belief on?", Sam asked, incredulously.

" I dunno, Sammy. But Cas is power. And, he's so solemn that his words have an air of truth. I know damn well Cas wouldn't lie to me", Dean replied, getting angry that he was getting all hot and bothered.

" How? How do you know that he wouldn't lie?", Sam asked, although he had a feeling he already knew.

" It's the look in his eyes, Sammy. He's just so solemn, and sad. It's just that his face is so stoic, he couldn't possibly be lying", Dean answered.

"Well, he has had a couple thousand years to improve his skill at blank expressions", Sam muttered.

" Are you saying that you do believe Cas is an angel?", Dean asked, hope fluttering briefly in his stomach.

" I always believed Cas was an angel. I never doubted that. But, as I recall, you were always the one who laughed at religion and God and angels", Sam said.

" Yeah, well I never had a reason to believe that there really was a God or angels", Dean replied.

" I know that Mom always told you that angels were watching over you, wouldn't it be crazy if Castiel had been watching you before he came into our lives?", Sam asked, just to see the expression on Dean's face.

Dean looked at Sam as if he had grown two heads. Then he thought about it, all those times in the shower, or in bed when he was alone. Dean shivered. Could Cas have seen him all those times? And, if he had, what did he think of those moments? Oh gosh, was that why he received all those weird looks from Cas, the ones that always lasted longer than a normal glance would? Or was that just his imagination and his hopes gone wild?

" Dean? Helllooooo?", Sam said. He was watching all the emotion that was crossing his brothers face. There was fear, anticipation, desire, hope…maybe even…love? No, that couldn't be it. Dean didn't love, he couldn't fall for a girl, why would he fall for a guy? Then a thought hit him, was it because Cas had saved him from hell?

Dean snapped out of his concentration. " Yeah?", he replied, feeling as if he were waking from a foggy dream.

" What is with you?", Sam asked, point blank.

" What do you mean?", Dean replied, trying and failing to look nonchalant.

" What I mean is, you seem as if you doze off for awhile, meanwhile, and I believe you're thinking because I have never once seen emotions cross your face like that before. It's as if a wall comes down and you show how you really feel", Sam explained.

Dean felt the inside of him still at that. It just wasn't possible. Dean was always stoic, like stone. He put up walls so that Sammy would never have to deal with the raw pain he felt after all those long years in hell torturing people. He would never let Sammy suffer with him for as long as he lived.

Oh sure he had revealed some things to Sam about hell and what happened, but not the whole of it. No one would ever know the truth. Except for Cas. That was why Dean cared about the guy so damn much, because Cas excepted him for what he was, because he knew what had happened. Cas was the only person who knew deep down what was going on, except for his irrational feelings around the man. Cas believed that Dean deserved to be saved, and that was why he cared, it was the root of it. Cas knew what had happened down there, but he just didn't care.

" I have no idea what you're talking about, Sammy", Dean replied, grinning like the idiot he was.

Sam looked at the face of his brother. He knew that there was something that Dean wanted to tell him. He knew about Hell, not much about what had happened, but enough of it to know that Dean was torturing himself. He could see from Dean's expression that he cared deeply for that angel, which was enough for Sam to know that Dean did in fact love the angel, now he just had to get his stoic brother to admit it.

" Oh, but that's the beauty of it. Because I think that you do", Sam replied, as straight-faced as he could be.

" Yeah, you would jump to conclusions", Dean said.

" What's that supposed to mean?", Sam asked.

" It means that you have no idea what is going on inside my head, you just make assumptions", Dean answered, feeling glad that he had glided Sam away from the feelings that Sam wanted to know about.

" Oh? And tell me, Dean, what exactly do I think is going on inside your head?", Sam asked, gliding them right back to his earlier question.

" Well, I know it ain't lollipops and candy canes. You think there's some kind of emotional thing, right? Like me falling off the wagon because of what happened down in the big fire", Dean replied.

" No, that's not precisely it, but now that you mention it-", Sam broke off as Dean groaned.

" Oh, go away, will ya? You distract me", Dean said.

" Like Cas does?", Sam asked, as innocently as he could.

Dean blanched and Sam knew he had hit the nail on the head. He expected an explosion so he closed his eyes. But nothing happened. Sam opened his eyes to find Dean sitting there on his bed, looking mighty guilty.

" What?", Sam asked.

" How long have you known?", Dean asked, his voice barely above a whisper as though he feared that Cas would hear him, and then it hit Sam. Dean didn't want Cas to know because he thought that the angel would abandon him.

" How long have I known what?", Sam asked, wanting Dean to say it.

" That I…uh…well that I…desire Cas", Dean finished lamely. He knew that what he felt for Cas went far beyond the physical sense.

" Oh, you mean how long have I known that you are in love with Cas?", Sam asked, almost loudly, but he wanted to sound as if it was just a first revelation.

Dean blanched and jumped up in a panic. " SHHHHHHHHH!!!!!", Dean said, putting his finger to his lips and looking at Sam frantically.

Yeah, Dean definitely did not want the angel to know how he felt. " It's okay, Dean", Sam replied, soothingly.

" No, it's not! What if he had heard you? Oh God, what would he think? What would he do? He would turn away from me in disgust, that's what he'd do. Oh no. Sam, you cannot breathe a word of this to him. Oh, if he knew that I had fallen in love with him, he would abandon me. I can't do this, I have to leave before he comes back. He can't know, not ever, I couldn't bear to see the disgust in his eyes as he turned away from me forever", Dean muttered, and at times, almost shouted as he paced the length of the motel room.

" I have to leave. I'm gonna leave. Bye, Sam", Dean said as he grabbed his coat and the keys to his Impala and then walked out of the room and shut the door behind him.

Sam stood there in the center of the room for two minutes before it registered in his mind that Dean had left, because he was afraid of something. It was then that Castiel stepped out of the shadows of the bathroom and stood there with a curious expression on his face until Sam noticed him, and then said, " Hello Sam."