Monster

Chapter 1: Shattered

By Lady Marionette

Summary: A dark, traumatic experience from Alena's past has long been buried, haunting her in her sleep...until one night when it returns with brutal clarity.

A/N: This fic's purpose is to explore Alena Shepard's past. It's dark and deals with heavy matters and may very well be disturbing to you. Reading this fic is not necessary for following any other Alena Shepard fic, so please don't feel compelled to read it for that reason…you won't miss out. :) Many thanks to RiotLaFontaine over on the BW forums for being my beta. :D

Garbage littered the dark alley in mounds, nested in by scurrying rodents. It was night…a lamp flickered, buzzing and crackling, above her head. Windows were shuttered, boarded with rotting planks while steady dripping clipped into a murky puddle from the rusted legs of a nearby fire escape. The mournful whine of distant cars played overhead. Shadows raked harshly, unnaturally; she stared down the long alley.

Her breathing was sharp, puffing in billowy clouds in the chilled fall air. She shivered and looked around, lost. "Finch?" she cried, her voice echoing hollow down the alley. "Where are you? Come on, guys, I saw you run here, where'd you go?" She stumbled forward one foot and then two, nervous. The worn out shoes on her small feet scuffed the asphalt far too loudly.

A dog barked in the distance.

"Finch?"

An arm reached out from the shadows, encircling her wrist and she screamed, trying to struggle away.

"Well, well, well, girly," a scratchy voice chuckled, "whatcha doin' down in this ol' pisshole? Lookin' to play, little girl? Want to play with Ol' Jerry?"

"Let me go!" she screamed, kicking him as hard as she could. He laughed, tightening his grip until she shrieked in pain. She fought against him, trying to pull free.

He pulled her further into the alley.

"Help!" she cried. "Somebody! Finch! Stix!" She shrieked for help as he rounded the corner, dragging her roughly.

"Go ahead an' scream all you'd like, girly," he chuckled. He leered at her, his face dark and twisted, shrouded in murky shadow. He kicked open a battered door. It swung agape, its open maw impenetrably dark. "I like that…a lot."

She screamed and screamed for help. A hobo in the far corner, hunched against the chain-link fence that divided the alley and street, glanced up blankly and stared…then back down. Passersby walked hurriedly past the fence on the other side, heads bowed. Not one of them looked in her direction.

He dragged her towards the door, his hands all over her. She was crying…crying, sobbing and screaming for help. She begged and pleaded to the people on the other side of the fence. But no one came to save her. No one.

Garrus was jolted awake by curdling screams, his hand shooting under the pillow for a firearm that wasn't there. His head snapped around, still muddled by sleep, until his eyes fell on Alena who was now turned, retching over the side of the bed. She broke down, sobbing, curling into herself.

He didn't know what happened, didn't know if she was injured, didn't know why she was crying.

"Alena?"

He reached out a hand, touching her shoulder; she flinched and he pulled back sharply. Confused, lost as to what to do, he sat next to her and stared at the sheets, at his hand.

"Alena, I—"

She saw him, finally, her violet eyes wide and red-shot, and the fear he saw in them was like a bullet tearing through is gut; it knocked the breath out of him. He'd never seen that look in her eyes. Suddenly she was in his arms, her body wracked with anguish. Her tears streamed down her face and onto the plates of his chest…each drop breaking him, each sob tearing him apart. He held her tightly, burying his face against the crown of her head as he rocked her.

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry," she cried desperately between gulps of breath and sobs that broke his heart. "I couldn't stop him, I tried but I couldn't stop him."

"Shhh…" he quieted her, pressing his mouth to the crown of her head. He closed his eyes, feeling every scathing blade her tears cut.

For a long time they sat that way, she in his arms and he feeling powerless to protect her from whatever haunted her and left her broken. He had never felt this way…as though someone had come along and torn his heart from his chest and left a void in its place…the feeling of helplessness in the face of indomitable grief and terror. Primordial instinct bubbled within; he wanted to protect her, every urging within him seeking to stop whatever was hurting his mate. There was no release, no enemy to focus on…so he sat trembling, restrained and grieving with her in silence.

He stroked her hair, whispered words of comfort in her ear and held her safe in his arms, waiting for the storm to pass. She quieted to hiccups, sniffling and trembling…her eyes were closed and she tried to swallow past what gripped her. She snuggled closer into his embrace, as though being closer might keep what troubled her at bay.

"I couldn't stop him," she said quietly, her voice eerily flat and almost child-like. He felt a chill go up his spine, but he listened.

"I was looking for the others," she continued in her monotone. "We'd just stolen some food…dinner for the night. We were running. They turned into an alley. I followed." She shivered and he hugged her, still cradling her in his lap. "A-a man grabbed me. He dragged me into the alley. I was screaming. People walked by…no one stopped. They didn't even look."

His breathing hitched. "No one helped you?" he asked, disbelieving horror lacing his voice.

"We were rats to them…animals…beasts…they liked to pretend nothing was wrong in their 'perfect' shining city. Just don't look at the problem and it doesn't exist. If they cared…then they'd have to do something about it."

"I tried to fight him. I was too weak. No one came. He dragged me into an old building…one of the abandoned projects. He…his hands were all over me," her voice broke and she took a breath, trying to steady herself. "He kept me there for three days…doing things to me…making me do things I didn't want to do. Liked to keep me in cuffs…said it made it more 'interesting.'"

"Then one night he was drunk…he'd gotten into a fight. He-he wasn't 'in the mood.' He passed out. I stole his keys. I escaped…ran."

"Did they catch him?" he asked, fearing her answer.

She was silent for a long time.

"No," she said, defeated. "No one tried to catch him…never even looked for him."

"What?" he asked sharply. "What do you mean they 'never even looked?'"

"No one cared what happened to a nine-year-old street rat," she murmured, staring blankly across the room.

"You were only nine," Garrus breathed, closing his eyes in shock. He felt her shudder in his arms, her breath hitching again.

"For a long time I couldn't sleep…could barely eat…didn't want anything to do with people. Not the Reds…not anyone. They tried to help me…stuck with me. Only ones I could stand to be around were the other girls…and even then…I was afraid for a long time. Then…I just had to get over it," she mumbled.

"You never went to counseling?"

She laughed woodenly. "Even if there were programs like that for orphans on the streets, what were they going to do for me? Tell me he couldn't hurt me anymore? Tell me it was normal to feel what I was feeling? That it wasn't my fault? Hell, I already knew that. But knowing that doesn't stop you from feeling all that shit every day…feeling scared, feeling helpless…feeling like your skin is crawling." Alena sighed, burying her face into his chest.

"I was friends with these nuns…met them a few years before…well…anyway, they were old, kind, lived a life of poverty…the only ones outside the gang who took care of me. Unlike the gang, they cared. They offered me a place to stay but I was too wild and hardheaded. I'd visit them, though. They helped ground me…keep me levelheaded. Taught me a lot…education was important to them."

Alena smiled softly. "I remember, one Christmas, they invited me over like they did every year. I wasn't going to go, as usual…didn't believe in it…didn't believe in 'nonsense' like hope or faith. Life on the streets can do that to you…makes you jaded and hard. But for some reason I went that year…it was a really cold winter. They were so…overjoyed that I came. They cooked up this huge feast…at least it was a feast to me."

She trailed off, remembering that Christmas evening…there was laughter, reverence, peace…warmth. Family. "They gave me a gift…" she murmured sadly, "no one had ever given me one before…a little cross pendant. I felt like I was holding the crown jewels in my hand, even if it was just a cheap little trinket."

He felt her tears against his skin again as she laughed bitterly.

"They engraved a message on it…I couldn't read it. They wouldn't tell me, of course…wanted me to learn to read it for myself…said it would mean more that way. Kind of like someone else I know," she smiled up at him.

"They were teaching me how to read, but at that point I could barely read and write my own name…the name my gang gave me. They called me 'Shepard,' a joke because I was always going around feeding and taking care of injured animals. I guess it stuck."

He kissed her forehead. "I didn't know that. Did you ever find out what those nuns engraved on the pendent?"

Her smile faded. "No…I didn't. After…after what happened when he…well…he took it. Kept it. I don't know what he did with it…probably kept it as a 'trophy.'"

"I was messed up for a long time after that…it got better as I got older. I didn't visit the nuns for years; I was so ashamed of what happened and that I'd lost their gift…I never told them what happened to it. I guess I buried what happened… eventually I didn't have nightmares again…not until now. I'm sorry for crying…I just…it hit me hard."

He rubbed his cheek against the crown of her head. "You don't have to apologize for that," he said, his eyes searching in the dark as his thoughts raced. He felt a boiling anger.

She pulled away, eyes cast down and still red and swollen. "I've had trouble sleeping since dealing with Morinth…didn't know why until now," she smiled wryly. "And so, now you know...I've never told anyone about it." She cast him a sidelong glance, "what do you think?" she asked, afraid of what he'd say.

Garrus stared over at the aquarium, looking inward. "It's…a lot to take in. It'll take time to process. I'm…not sure what to say…what I can say. It would be too…inadequate."

She nodded but seemed disappointed, saddened. "Yeah…well…we should get back to sleep. We'll be docking tomorrow."

She pulled out of his arms and curled up on her side of the bed, her back to him, pulling the covers over her shoulder.

He stared at her, feeling empty and distant. He hadn't expected that...wouldn't have expected that, not in a thousand lifetimes. Alena Shepard…she'd always been so composed, rarely given to moments of passion. Her will was indomitable…and perhaps that was how she managed to climb above the hell she just described. He never would have guessed such a thing had happened to her. He thought about what she said and a bitter taste was in his mouth.

He didn't sleep for the rest of the night.

She woke to Joker's announcement that the ship had docked at the Citadel. She stretched, reached over, and found the bed empty and cool. She frowned, her heart skipping a beat. She looked around and saw a holopad glowing on the desk near the bed. She stood and padded her way towards it, trepidation filling her, shaking her resolve. Had she said too much? Maybe he didn't want to deal with 'damaged goods?' Maybe…

She picked up the holopad and read it, biting her lip.

Alena,

Went to take care of some business.
Sorry, I won't be able to join you for that play after all.
Enjoy your shore leave; I'll be back in a few days.

Garrus

She slumped against the bed. Had she chased him away after all? She cursed herself…she shouldn't have broken down like that. Shouldn't have told him…but he was Garrus and she'd always felt she could talk to him about, well, anything. The words had poured out of her like water when he'd held her; it had come so naturally, so easily with him. And now…now she feared she'd pushed him away.

A/N: And so ends Chapter 1. This fic is shorter than the others, so hopefully I'll have Chapter 2 finished soon. ^^