okay! finally got it out. this is just set up because i really wanted you to know how it all came about

Background info: It takes place sort of in New Moon, after Edward leaves and she's always at Jacob's house. this is where we go back, to before the previous chapter.

obviously, this is not a normal Bella, but it's how i meant it to be.

Disclaimer: i don't own Twilight, that alone belongs to Mrs. Stephenie Meyer. I'm just the puppeteer in this creation ;)

Things were getting bad again. Jacob was always out with his wolf pack, I had no idea where they were going, or when he was going to be back. One time it took him three days to return to me. In that time he was absent, the hole in my chest had almost doubled in size. The pain was excruciating. I could always feel my blood pounding through my body, always threatening to burst me apart into a thousand little pieces-like Jake's clothes when he Changes. Blackness would creep into the edges of my vision, taking away my sight, but it didn't matter much because I would end up shutting my eyes and hunching over, time and time again to try to keep myself from breaking.

I've been wondering if I should have let Jake into my life like I have. This was wrong, selfish of me to do this to him. It's my fault that he's out there risking his life somewhere. What if something happens to him? I keep having this feeling that one day he won't return to me. It'll be like… before. And I can't handle that. Not again. I really don't know what I'll do if that happens.

I looked around myself. I was by our tree, where I've spent most of my time now. All of my time, in fact, but I couldn't do this anymore. I couldn't roam the beach waiting for him, having the rain pour down on me in an unyielding assault. What I needed was a new distraction, what I needed was a new hobby.

I sighed and got up from the tree's trunk and headed back for Jacob's house. I trudged through the muddy grass at a slow pace, not caring that I hadn't bothered to wear a raincoat this morning. Here I'd thought it would have been warm and partly cloudy. Note to self, don't become a meteorologist.

It didn't matter if I knocked or not anymore, I've been here so often it was like my second home now. I tried not to think about other places I'd thought of as my second home.

After taking off my muddy shoes, I took inventory of myself. My jeans had slight mud stains on its hems and, of course they were pretty wet, but nothing too terrible. My shirt was another story, though. My lack of wearing a coat left me cold, not to mention soaked and today I'd worn a light pink short sleeved shirt with no cami under it. Luckily I'd worn a bra, though that was very visible through the see-through shirt. I needed to raid Jacob's minimal closet for a shirt.

"Hello, Bella," Billy greeted me from the kitchen. I looked up to meet his gaze.

"Oh, hi, Billy," I paused. "Have you heard anything about Jacob?"

"No, no, but I'm sure he's fine. You worry yourself too much." He sounded distracted as he said this, as if his mind was off in a whole other direction.

I walked into the kitchen to join him, closed my eyes, and took a deep breath to steady myself. When I opened my eyes I saw Billy staring at me with a look in his eyes I couldn't place.

"Well," I said after a minute of silence, "I think I'm gonna go find a shirt of Jacob's to wear, mine's dripping water."

His eyes took in my torso. "Yes, that would be a good idea," Billy said huskily.

Blushing slightly, I turned and went into Jacob's room, not bothering to close the door behind me. His bed was unmade, just as he'd left it this morning. I reached his tiny closet and peered in, hoping to find a shirt wearable for me, and after searching for a minute I found his button up white shirt that he'd worn that day I'd gone to prom.

I hated thinking about it, and the sight of this shirt was horrible, but it was the closest thing to my size I could find, so I slipped into it. I peered down at myself; it swallowed up most of my thighs, debating for a second if it would be bad if I took my jeans off so they could dry. Coming to the conclusion that since the shirt swallowed up most of me, it wasn't a big deal, I removed my pants and laid them over a small chair Jacob had in the corner. Besides, it was just Billy here.

I walked back into the other room and lazily sat on the couch, throwing my legs onto it while my thoughts were a million miles away, so utterly out of it, I sure didn't hear Billy roll to a stop in front of me. "Bella, what are you wearing?" His features looked frozen in a mask of surprise.

Immediately I stood up, startled and both slightly embarrassed for him finding me like this. I looked down at the shirt, then back up at Billy. "Oh, this? I found it in Jake's room; I figured it would be ok to wear as my clothes were drying. Did you want me to change?"

He had the same look he did when we were in the kitchen minutes ago. Billy's eyes had this odd look to them and his posture was tense and stiff. "No, no, you're fine Bella, no need to change." He retreated to his bedroom, where I didn't see him again till it was almost time to go.

Later that night I sat on my bed, staring at the wall in front of me, trying to ignore Charlie's snoring, I just started thinking. Thinking about how things used to be, thinking about how Jacob came home finally right before I was leaving, thinking about how I couldn't go on like this. I couldn't continue doing nothing all day and only to repeat it the next.

There needed to be some changes- I couldn't keep being this sorry feeling goody-two shoes girl anymore.

I let my mind play back earlier today. Billy's strange looks did nothing but confuse me. I thought of my surroundings at the time, trying to pinpoint exactly what was the catalyst for Billy's weird behavior. The house was the same, nothing different there, and outside it was raining, but it's always raining in Forks. Although, maybe it had nothing to do with what was around us… what if it had to do with, well… me and what I was wearing? Was what I was wearing affect him? Did Billy think of me in that way?

This was all too much. Between the new thoughts forming in my head and the always present throbbing of my insides over what had happened, I needed something, anything to help. I quietly went to the kitchen and opened the fridge, finding Charlie's beers. I didn't think, didn't hesitate in grabbing two, popping the tops and heading back upstairs to my room. I've never drank anything before, like I said, I've been the ideal daughter, but I didn't want to be anymore. I sat on my bed and chugged half the first before coming up for air.

Billy had always been so kind, always looking out for my best interests, and most importantly, he's always been there for me. He's never left me like he did or even like Jacob does every day to go off with the pack. Billy hasn't left my side; he even said he wasn't going anywhere. And over the weeks that I've been spending down in La Push, I've gotten to know Billy Black a little better, and I have to admit the more I learned, the more I liked.

I took a deep swig of the beer, and then another, loving the way the liquid slid easily down my throat and the slight burn that followed. Soon the first bottle was empty, so I moved on to the next, carefully hiding the empty bottle under my bed. There was no reason for Charlie to find out about anything.

There weren't many things I wanted anymore besides for time to pass quickly, and Billy helped with that. He would help.

Things were changing, I could feel it. But I didn't mind, in fact, I welcomed it.

I think I just found my distraction.

there we go. hopefully you like it, and there will be more to come

i want to say thank you to all my readers because you've all been so supportive and all that, so THANK YOU! :)

jasperjr630