A joint project between Creare and me; Creare rendered Brutus' lines and I Cassius'.

Disclaimer: Some guy named Brandishpike apparently wrote some really nifty play full of iambic pentameter. This, as you may surmise, is not that, nor are we said genius playwright (who, I am just informed, was really named Shakespeare . . . oh well, something about waving some weapon around). Additionally, the turnips and the bukkit almost belong to history.


ACT I, scene ii

CASSIUS: o hai. is u go 2 c teh runnin?

BRUTUS: no

CASSIUS: but i wantz u 2

BRUTUS: no srsly DO NOT WANT! i no liekz teh gamez ok? We cant all hav teh SPeeD spirtz laik Antony. Umm . . . kthxbai

CASSIUS: Brutus i has seed u recntli. ur eyz iz not niec leik tehy usd 2 b an u no luvz me anymoar. u has 2 wtf? adn 2 mean hadn ovr ur frind taht luvz u

BRUTUS: Cassius, b not Dceevd. teh troublz uv mai eyes R only 4 me: teh passions, their in mai head, vexin it with sum diffrences, makin me 4get giv owt deh cheezburgurz 2 mai frends - but no worriez, i savin sum 4 u in mai house. onli wiv all teh fighten in mai head i b 4gettin 2 bring tehm, sry.

CASSIUS: i c. mai bad. but wit al teh confushin i iz burid thinkz werthy uv many cheezbrgurs. no, srsly. say Brutus kan u c ur hed?

BRUTUS: noes, only teh uthr kitteh in teh mirror showz me whut mah hed B like

CASSIUS: iz gud. an is vry sad dat u haz no mirRs 2 c ur rael u. I hearz manee gud kittehs in Rome but not CsR tak of Brutus an DO WANT Brutus has tehy eiz

BRUTUS: wait . . . u no frendz w/ Basement Cat rite?

CASSIUS: no wai. u b hearin an i b shoin u taht u iz teh awsumz. an b niec 2 me k? i iz not alwaiz liekn teh evry1s. if u noes taht i purrz at kittehs an tehn claws0rz tehy or if u noes dat i eated als teh cookiz, thne thnik i teh mean

[invizible crowd]

BRUTUS: shhh! [pause 4 inaudible shouts] . . . o noes. i fear teh sheep-katz choos CsR 4 Kng (liek sheep-dog-not cool 4 teh kittehs :( )

CASSIUS: o rly? u DO NOT WANT?

BRUTUS: no do not want even tho we r liek bffl. but u keeps me heer wai? u want cheesburgur? (i told u alrdy srsly, u can has). plus i luvs teh honurs an stuff so u b settin teh honurs in 1 eye an teh waters in tother an i be lookin on em both indifrently.

CASSIUS: i noes u iz kool liek taht but i not noes wut u thinkz uf lief. 4 i iz DO NOT WANT 2 b liek w0wz0rz at sum1 liek me. u adn i r frie leik CsR, we haz eated cheezburgrz liek CsR an we iz fury liek he so we iz not get codl. 1 tiem it wuz widny an CsR sed i drez u 2 git all wetz an i siad he muzt 2 soz we dd. it waz wet an CsR waz al O NOES!1 IZ WET!11!1 an i geted CsR otu ov teh wetz an CsR is nau liek Cieling Cat an Cassius leik Basement Cat an DO NOT WANT1! iz no gud taht so :P kitteh haz all teh cookez

[invizible crowd]

BRUTUS: o noes i hears moar inaudibl noise. teh sheep-catz b heapin moar cheezeburgurz on CsR.

CASSIUS: duhz. CsR iz liek supR big kitteh an we iz lukin 4 dzhonribul littrboxes. kittehs sumtiemz pwn tehyz faetz an iz becuz uv tehm not teh lytes in hte skai if tehy iz FAIL. Brutus an CsR r gud namse an tehy sonud prity. hwo meny cookys an cheeseburgrz haz CsR eated 2 bcum supR big kitteh? u an i haz hearded us's dadyz sai taht 1 tiem teher waz a Brutus hu DO NOT WANT Basement Cat in teh Rome liek him DO NOT WANT kign

BRUTUS: dood. u luv me an thaz gud but srsly 4 nao STFU. i be in mai hous, contmplatin ur wurdz an u can has mai wurds latr an giv me sum moar 2, k? an btw Brutus had rthr B in ur village, cookin ur turnips than in ur Senate warin ur togas under these condishuns. jus sayin.

CASSIUS: i iz happpy 2 maek Brutus b so muc fier wit mai werdz

BRUTUS: k, so i can go home nao. an 2morow if u want wurds (+cheezburgrz), im in ur doorway hopin uz b home. or ur in mai dorway, k? kthxbai

CASSIUS: i bz in ur dorwai. 4 nao tihnkz uv teh wurld!1

[eksit BRUTUS]

i c u iz gud but not 2 gud 2 b sedoozd. CsR iz b stealin mai bukkit an givin it 2 Brutus. if i iz Brutus nao an he iz Cassius, he iz not b thnikin m teh awzumz.