Title: Fang-in-Cheek

Rating: T for language

Characters: America, OC!nation(s), a bunch of other nations

Disclaimer: I do not own Hetalia, the concept behind Hetalia, nor the countries themselves. This is a fanwork and not for profit.

Warnings: Fictional meeting and halfassed accuracy. Not beta-ed.

A/N: Inspired by the fact that I can't do anything without seeing and/or hearing "vampire." You know it's bad when your mother recommends vampire books and your coworker comments that random customers look like bloodsuckers. We won't even discuss the mall =O Co-conspired with ideas from EddietheBlackMaru and Fyyrrose.

America hastily gulped the hamburger down and took a big swig of some coke. The pop lacked the usual burn he associated with soda. He took another unsatisfying swig, noting the off-taste as well. Didn't these Europeans realize the high fructose corn syrup was a necessity for a good soda? Real sugar was in the past.

He wasn't really thrilled about this meeting. He was still feeling a little under the weather, although his cold seemed to be improving a bit. Enough to revive some of his usual energy and cheer. But man was it boring here. And he had already given his awesome speech earlier, so the rest of the three day meeting would mean he was supposed to be quiet. And that was something he wasn't good at because everyone was entitled to his opinion.

He idly considering going to find someone to harass but it was just barely warm enough outside that he just sat on a bench and finished his lunch.

And that's when he saw it.

Romania, a country he had almost forgotten and the meeting's host, stepped out of the building's shadow. America wasn't really interested in that. He'd been staring at the country all damn day after all. It was fall and cloudy and chilly, although no snow had fallen yet. All in all, it was miserable. No wonder all these countries were so cranky all the time with all the cloud cover. It reminded him of Seattle.

Anyway, just as Romania stepped free the sunlight streamed out from a break in the clouds. It poured down on the other country, which he ignored in his black suit, and then it lit up.

He was sparkling.

Seriously sparkling.

As in all over. Well, not all over, because America couldn't see under his clothes, but the rest of him was sparkling, so he just assumed that he was sparkling all over.

Then Romania ran away back into the shadows after wincing and stumbling a bit.

Something clicked in America's mind, "Oh my God, Stephanie Meyer was right!"

:E

America watched the other nation until he stepped out of sight around the corner and slumped down in thought. So, what did he know about vampires? He knew there was some kind of vampire craze going on in his country right now, again, as it seems to rotate in ten year cycles, so what did he know?

Vampires were evil. Duh. Except when they were good. But most vampires were evil.

So first he should figure out if Romania was a good or bad vampire…

Wait, no, first he should figure out if Romania was a vampire. He couldn't just make accusations without proof. There wasn't any justice in that and heroes were way too cool to make novice mistakes. And Bigfoot was so real… just because he was drunk when he proclaimed it didn't change that!

He needed to make up some tests for finding out if Romania was a vampire or not.

What did he know about vampires? Well, he knew they came from somewhere in Eastern Europe… where was it again? It rhymed with Pennsylvania. He could remember that much because PA was one of his states. He pursued that train of thought, even looked it up on his map, and came to the conclusion that where they came from was unimportant because vampires lived EVERYWHERE! Anne Rice said they even lived in Louisiana, and it was warm and sunny down there. Plus California too; although he disagreed that it was a Hell Mouth. Sure, CA had some drug problems and was perpetually broke and bum-like and had Hollywood, but that didn't make it Hell.

Pacing, he tried to think of what else he knew.

They didn't like garlic and were cold like Russia and turned into wolves—wait, not, bats—and they didn't like crosses or silver. Plus they drank blood and could float and had super powers. Oh, and sharpened wood to the heart killed them. And no matter how good looking they were, they couldn't see themselves in the mirror or show up in pictures—wait, no, that was ghosts? He couldn't remember—and… and they slept in coffins!

Sloppily he wrote all of those things down and wrote next to sunlight: sparkles, check.

He stared hard at the next one: garlic.

:E

He meandered towards where he knew most everyone was having lunch. Sometimes he just got really sick of having lunch where he was expected to be polite and make small talk. That's why he was outside by himself in the first place. But that didn't mean he didn't get the invitation because America always got the invitation. Even if the others didn't always mean it.

He peeked around the corner all spy-like and was pleased to see Romania seated at one of the tables. A devilish grin crossed his face before he ducked back around the corner.

It was easy enough to find his way to the kitchen.

"Oh, Italy!"

The other nation jumped and a gave a quick 've~' of surprise before returning the smile.

"What're you doing in here?"

"Ve~ I like to cook and since I overheard the head guy say they were short staffed, I volunteered to help!" the other nation explained cheerfully. "Do you want to help too?"

"Nah, I can't cook—wait, do they need a waiter too?"

It didn't take long for America to get dressed and ready. Despite what most of the other nations would say, he was a pretty competent waiter when he decided to be a common worker for a week. He got a ton of tips anyway. Being a bartender was even more fun but it was pretty sweet to wait tables too.

He didn't bother with a disguise. Everyone already knew who he was and anyway, he was being a good guy and helping out. There was no reason to hide. Especially since the vampire didn't know he was onto him yet. That and Italy had laughed saying you didn't wear sunglasses inside and the mustache was funny.

Ignoring the surprised looks, he quickly and professionally took everyone's order, except England's. He wrote down something entirely different for him. It was going to be a special order alright.

"Ve~ are you sure they want hot peppers?"

"Yeah, England loves hot peppers, didn't you know that?" America breezed back. He actually had no idea if England even had enough taste buds left for the hot peppers to be effective but it was a funny thought.

Once the food was ready he loaded it up on the tray but not before loading up Romania's food with garlic. When he was sure that he put enough on there he went out and served. And retreated really quickly. He didn't remember what vampires did when they came into contact with garlic, but if it was anything like throwing tums in coke bottles, he didn't want to be in range. Or did they shrivel up like a slug under salt? That'd be cool too.

Two simultaneous shouts came from the dining area. One of pleasure and one of extreme outrage. Unfortunately, the outrage was not Romania. The outrage paused for a moment, America assumed that England was drinking to get rid of the burning, before more screaming and profanity started up even louder than before.

America smirked. Nothing like some Liptons Sweet Ice Tea to make England rocket to the moon. Italy smiled and wordlessly handed him a flag. It was white and boring but whatever. He thanked the other nation and stuffed it in his jacket.

Step 2: garlic, major fail.

:E

America was in really good spirits the second half of the meeting. Not only had he managed to pester England, he was, for once, the first one to the meeting. It was great to gloat and smirk as the rest of the nations trudged in. He tried not to laugh as China was still picking random bits of food out of his hair.

He really wasn't sure how to go about the third item on his list. Not being able to use a mirror must be really hard, like when you were trying to tie your tie and your fingers kept getting in the way. Or flossing your teeth—did vampires floss their fangs?

He didn't have a portable mirror because that's the kind of thing girls carried around… wait, Poland was like a girl. Maybe he would have one? America was fairly sure that Hungary didn't count as a mirror-touting girl and there was no way he was getting near either of Russia's sisters. Especially the one with the knife.

"And so I said, like, that's my lipstick."

America gave Poland a hearty slap on the back sending the unsuspecting nation flying. He righted himself with an annoyed huff and straightened his clothing before turning around.

"Like, what do you want America? I was, like, totally in a conversation, you know? And you just, like, busted into the middle of it."

"I need to borrow a mirror!"

"Like, nuh-uh. You, like, break stuff. And you, like, still totally owe me for last time."

America couldn't think of a witty comeback for that. He didn't even remember what he owed or why.

"Please?"

"No."

"Pleeeeeeeeeease?"

"Like, NO."

"But I neeeeeeed it…"

Poland stared at him like a deer-in-the-headlights before hastily fishing a small compact out and handing it over.

"Like, that's totally more creepy than Russia's smile," Poland said slowly as he backed away. "You, like, looked like those creepy super-deformed things from Japan."

"Hey, people always tell me my puppy dog eyes are cute!"

"We, like, already know England's not right." Poland muttered under his breath then added louder, "Like, keep it! I don't, like, want it back after whatever you, like, plan to do with it uggh."

"Sweet! Thanks!"

America raced off with his prize and went to locate his prey. Mwahahaha.

"You're Romania, right?"

The said nation turned around and blinked mildly. America proceeded to also get a view. Close up. Romania coughed slightly and took a few steps backward with concern in his dark eyes. Well, he didn't really look like a vampire or anything. But America knew that vampires could look like anyone.

"Hey, so how was lunch?"

"Delicious."

America's face fell. He had forgotten about his failed plan with the garlic. He pushed that thought away and blurted out, "Uh, I think you have something in your teeth! Here."

America carefully looked over the other nation's shoulder, not hard since he was so tall, and was disappointed to find that he could see a reflection. Wait… where was his reflection? He twisted around a few times trying to catch a glimpse before giving up in frustration. Maybe it was just the angle? Right.

"Thank you."

America couldn't wait until the other nation left before snapping open the compact violently. The top clattered off and he scurried to retrieve it.

"What? Nooooooo, where's my reflection? I'm the hero! Heroes should have reflections!"

Behind him, unnoticed, Canada picked up the mirror that had fallen out during the fall. The little piece of material glinted, catching America's eye. He stood transfixed by the (seemingly) floating mirror before letting out a wail and high tailing it up the hall.

Mirror, epic fail.

:E

America pouted. He still had several more items on his list and he wasn't about to give up. He searched down them before wavering on finding some holy water or going about getting a temperature reading on the unsuspecting vampire.

Vampires were cold right? Because they didn't have blood right? So that'd be easy. He'd just have to stick his hand on Romania. Or stick a thermometer up his butt, but America wasn't up for that. That was gross. Tony had told him about that kind of probing.

He wasn't sure what excuse he could use and not look like a stalker if he hunted down Romania again. Vampires were smart like that. Wait… didn't vampires have mind reading powers? Oh crap. Well, he'd just have to guard his thoughts.

Wandering around he managed to get himself thoroughly lost. It wasn't really a problem though.

"…You have tribulations with my sister, da?"

America stopped in mid-stride. He knew that voice and it made his eyes narrow. He had been really, really good with Russia lately. He hadn't taunted the large nation or shot spitballs at him when his back was turned. As a return courtesy, Russia hadn't done too much giggling or hefting of the pipe. It was an uneasy truce between them and America almost turned right back around.

"Not with your sister but the country she represents."

America groaned. Of course Romania would be trapped by Russia. Aside from the fact that Russia made a conscious effort to 'get to know' all the other countries, he was always in the way! It was like he had this sixth sense about it. Hey, what can I do to mess up America's plans today?

Before America could figure out how to make a flashy entrance with a cool line Romania simply slipped around the larger country. Both America and Russia's jaws dropped. Wow, super speed too!

America heard them coming closer and he dove behind a random chair. Who set up this place anyway? Well, he wasn't going to be complaining. The last time he had tried to hide behind a plant and that failed.

America winced as he heard/felt Romania hit the chair. The smaller country sank involuntarily into the cushion.

"I was not finished speaking." Russia wasn't using his disturbing child voice. That was a bad sign. That was usually America's cue to duck and roll. The pipe clinked on the edge of the chair in warning and America bit back a yelp as the edge of the metal clipped his ankle. Damn Russia.

"I was finished listening." Romania squeaked and America shook his head. That was not the right thing to say. Now Russia was going to pull some dick move or other and America would have to step in the middle of it for sure.

"Then we will speak of this at a later date, da?"

There was a long pause before foot steps retreated away from the chair. America sighed then gasped. Romania must have just hypnotized Russia. There was no way he'd just walk off otherwise!

Oh well, all the better for America. Now if he could just cop a quick feel, while trying not to keep in mind France's unsolicited instructions, without raising suspicion, he could confirm Romania's body temperature.

Now how to get around Romania's all-powerful mind techniques?

"I'mnotthinkingI'mnotthinking…" America whispered to himself as his hand snaked around the chair. He screwed his eyes shut tighter so he could concentrate and started muttering pick-up lines while hoping he was seducing a hot vampire chick. "Is that a stake in your pocket are you just happy to see me? Bite me, baby!"

His hand felt flesh. Cold, cold flesh. A giddy flash of excitement hit America. He couldn't imagine snuggling that all night long. It almost felt like a dead slab of meat from the freezer!

"America, I believe we are all aware that you do not think."

America's blue eyes jerked open and he almost swallowed his tongue. Slowly he peered around the chair to meet violet eyes staring down at him. He tried to jerk back his hand but found it trapped on Russia's face.

"And if you would like me to violate you, I can do much more than bite." Russia purred darkly.

"Er, no thanks."

"You do not wish to become one with Mother Russia?"

"Definitely not."

"I am hurt," Russia said with a slightly malicious undertone. The hand not holding America hostage was curled around his ever-loyal pipe. "America does not wish to make good on his invitation?"

"Hell no. Not with you." Crack. "Fuck, my fingers."