Title: Then and Now

Author: Caera1996

Rating: R

Disclaimer: Please. Is this even necessary?

Summary: This was written in response to the following (truncated) request: Years and years ago, Bones was raped, and it really messed him up. Now he's with Jim, and they are attempting to have their first sexual encounter. It's very slow, very gentle, and McCoy is fine with that, until Bones has the mother of all panic attacks. Eventually, Bones calms down.

Note: This is a huge departure from anything I've ever written before in several ways. All suggestions are very much appreciated.

NOTE 2: This story deals with rape. It's not graphic, but please don't read it if you think it's going to bother you.

Jim is gentle with him, affectionate and tender. He asks before he touches. He talks, so Leonard can focus on his voice and let it anchor him to now. To what is happening now, what he's feeling now. And it's so, so different from what it was before that it's almost like it happened to someone else, like it's just a story he heard somewhere.

Almost.

Except there's a thread of fear drawing taught within him.

"Open your eyes Bones," Jim says from above him. He hadn't even realized he closed them. Perplexed, he blinks his eyes open, and meets Jim's startlingly blue eyes right above him. Jim's stopped touching him, and Leonard is surprised and pleased at how much need he feels for more, faster, harder that he's incapable of stopping himself from bucking his hips, trying to encourage Jim to continue.

Jim chuckles, a sound full of light and love and gentle humor. It's nothing like the taunting laughs and jeers that echo in his memory. That thread of fear pulls at him slightly, makes him swallow hard.

"I was waiting for the anxiety to fade," Jim says, and there's such love and concern there that Leonard has to look away, and turns his head to hide the only way he can. Jim leans down and drops kisses along his jaw, until Leonard turns his head back and he can reach Leonard's mouth. "This okay?" Jim asks against his lips, his other hand moving lower, and Leonard's legs part to give him more room. He nods, not trusting that his voice will remain steady. "Say it, Bones. I want to hear you."

"Oh, god, Jim. Please…" Leonard groans, panting, unable to contain himself but struggling to let Jim keep the slow rhythm he's set.

Jim urges Leonard's legs up, knees bent, feet on the mattress. His touch is soft, suggesting, guiding. He doesn't demand, he's not forceful, his hands don't bruise or strain resisting muscle and flesh. The ghost of that unwanted touch causes a shiver to pass through Leonard, the thread vibrates within him.

And suddenly, it's just too much.

His hands are fisted in the sheets at his side…not pinned down, but he feels like he can't move. Leonard opens his mouth to tell Jim to stop, please but there's nothing…no sound, no air. His blood is rushing in his ears, he can't see…he's closed his eyes again. When did that happen? Jim is calling his name, but he's the echo now. All Leonard can hear is that angry voice, full of contempt and threats, and previously gentle hands are vicious and painful, holding him down, hurting, not stopping…not stopping!

Leonard's body is strung as tight as a bow…all of his muscles clenched rigidly, desperately. He manages a gasp of air, his voice still stuck, and his face is wet with tears - again…then, they were licked away, a punishing hand in his hair forced his head still, and he'd tried to keep from crying out, but a hard ball of bone-chilling fear and hideous pain and overwhelming disgust lodged itself in his chest and demanded exit. Then, every cry was ignored or mocked. This time, another frantic breath is released as a broken plea.

And this time, there's an answer.

"Oh, god, Bones, I'm here. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. Just breathe, shhh, it's okay. You're safe."

He shudders hard, instinctively wanting to fight the weight anchoring him, too afraid to allow his muscles to work normally.

"Bones, you're safe. No one—damnit. No one is ever going to hurt you again. I've got you. You're okay."

The rushing in Leonard's ears recedes a little, and he tries to follow Jim's voice back as reason starts to reassert itself. That was then. This is now…and now, he is safe with Jim, who is gentle and affectionate and tender…who is nothing like the one before.

"Jim, please," Leonard begs, and his voice sounds wrecked and heavy with relief and tears.

"I'm here, I'm not letting go," Jim replies, knowing exactly what he is begging for. Jim runs a gentle hand through his hair. Leonard's eyes are still closed, and tears get caught in his lashes. Jim softly brushes them away with a thumb, cradling Leonard in his arms. Leonard is shivering from head to toe as the adrenaline slowly ebbs from his system. He holds on to Jim as tightly as he is being held.

"No one came," Leonard whispers.

"I'm here now."