One more memory

Disclaimer: I do not own Merlin or any of its characters….if I did…Gwen would die in a pool of Lancelot-ness and Arthur and Merlin would stop being so blind.

Rating: Teenager to be safe

Pairing: Arthur/Merlin, slash! Does not contain any action, not even a kiss T-T

Warnings: … Total and absolute hideous monster-ness of writer T-T

Sadness, Character death, Tiny spoilers to seasons 2, Sins of the Father. Arthur's POV…

Checked with spell-check and beta'd…if you find big errors even after all this… please tell me and I'll try to get rid of them asap!

The story

From a young age I have been told it is impossible to see the ones that died again. Even the most powerful magic cannot bring back the death, even if they can exchange the lives of those on death's bed. And since the King has forbidden all magic there is not a chance in the world to get to such magic in time to even make such an arrangement with death itself.

But even so I have always been told by various people what they would do if they could see their loved ones once more. The possibility to touch their loved ones one more time. To be able to feel their skin under their fingers even if it was only for a moment.

They always declared that they would treasure that moment forever, that they would hang on to that moment as tightly as possible and put everything they felt into that one moment.

That one single moment would be enough.

When I was younger I never even wondered about that kind of thing. I was a lot younger then most of the nobles and quite frankly I didn't have a loved one I would be dying to see, not even my mother…at least not consciously.

But then I met him and he changed my world, quite literally to.

Things I had always taken for granted were suddenly pointed out to me as being special and in time I felt myself change as well as I started to see things differently.

Camelot, the people in it... even my father, it felt like I was finally beginning to see for the very first time.

The peasants that lived in poor circumstances but who never complained unless it was truly needed and the royalty that I had always surrounded myself with who complain every waking moment.

I should be ashamed of myself to have never realized just how much difference there is, it was as if he had given me sight for the very first time.

For a knight to die it is horrible and his death is a great lost to the castle.

But at the same time I realized that when a peasant dies no one cares outside their own little group.

When Merlin risked his life for me my father said it was an acceptable lost and that I should not dwell onto it.

I could not let him die, even if it meant going against my father I just knew I couldn't let him die no matter the consequences that would follow my actions.

And I have always been glad that I did, for by now I realize how much I have been leaning onto his support in times of need. How much I needed his goofy smile to keep me going at harsh days.

And in time I began to wonder as those knights had…Would I bring him back no matter what for just a moment?

I know now that I cannot possible get through the days without his goofy smile, his idiotic behaviour that always makes me laugh no matter what. The smile that always managed to brighten my days and the playful banter thrown at each other to make each other feel better.

Would I try to spend one more moment with him, to make a last memory?

Would I hold him tight and never wishing to let go?

Would I spend that one breathing moment to stare at his beautiful face, to feel his soft heartbeat and inhale his unique scent?

But as I wonder that I felt another though enter my mind.

Would I bring him back at all?

The idea that I would be able to see him again, even if it were for just a moment, scares me.

The though of the kind of magic it requires terrifies me, even if Morgause used it before to show me my mother.

Even if I knew that he was magical.

What would he think of me, would he hate me for my actions? The thought to see those brilliant blue eyes stare at me in anger scare me more then I am willing to admit.

And yet, I know it is not the thought of magic or even his anger that holds me back, I know I would gladly walk that dark road if it just meant seeing him again.

But then I guess that is exactly the thing that terrifies me, even if it is for just a moment.

The idea of being able to see him once more and having to let go again after that one moment is so much more painful then I could even imagine in even my most vulnerable moments.

The mere thought of letting him go for a second time breaks my heart in more ways then I held possible, it breaks my heart so much more then it even did the first time.

But I cannot shake that desire, that longing to see him one more time, to just be able to look at him and see that wonderful smile directed at me again.

To see his twinkling beautiful blue eyes stare at me in laughter as he laughs that goofy smile.

To have a memory of that smile without the pain shimmering in them as that is the only smile I can remember nowadays.

That smile filled with pain, death haunting in his eyes.

The pained gasp as blood crept out of the corner of his mouth as the sword was removed, a sword that had never been meant to touch him. But as the loyal idiot as he was he would never let harm come to me and he had taken what had been meant for me.

The blood spilling that should not be his, the choking whispers of love and faith coming from a rasping voice. The tears spilled from more then one pair of eyes as his last breath disappeared and the twinkling in his eyes slowly died out of them as death had claimed him from me.

And perhaps it is worth all the pain to come for that one moment of complete happiness, for that single touch. To be able to forget that last unwanted memory and make a better one. To be able to ask for his forgiveness and his love.

And as much as I long to see him, to touch and to feel him, I cannot help the other thought that slips into my tired mind.

What if he came back the way he had left? Feeling the same pain he had been feeling, the same agony and despair I had seen in those beautiful broken eyes.

Was I really willing to put him through that again, even if it was just for a moment?

Could I be selfish enough to bring back his pain, just so that I could see his face?

It would mean so much to me to see him once more, to share one more memory with him just to mend my broken heart. To remember every smell and sensation I had long since forgotten.

It would have been all I would ask from him.

But I realize I rather live the rest of my life with a sword through my heart then hurt him once more.

My own desire I have to put aside for his rest. The knowledge of him being without pain now, that knowledge should be enough for me.

Even if it means I have to spend a lifetime without his smile by my side, without his laughter ringing in my ears.

I know I can do it because I know he is happy now.

That one memory I long for so much will never be granted to me and that shatters all that remains of my heart.

But the idea of causing him sadness destroys even the shattered pieces of my heart still left somewhere inside of me.

I am to slowly mend my heart back into place because I know I have to move on, hide behind a fake smile, knowing I can never smile again for real for my reason to smile is gone.

I have to leave him behind, no matter how much it pains me for I know he is gone and will never return while I am still here.

For I know he would want me to be happy, to live life to the fullest and become the man, the King he has always seen in me.

As my father would say, a king lives only for his people and there is nothing more important then that.

It is a shame that my father never got the chance to see who those people really were, to see who were the ones who really matter to make a kingdom a great kingdom.

But I will be a better King then he ever was, uniting a kingdom that he was not able to and that is all thanks to my loyal servant, my closest and most important companion.

For he made me the person I am today, the King I am today.

I will live this life they have lied out for me, rule to the fullest that I can possible manage and beyond that.

I have to live for him, till the day we will finally meet again and I will truly be happy again.

The end

A/N: Erm….I have absolutely no idea why this came out…I was sitting behind my computer and wanted to write a cute valentine piece for my friend Ra-chan… but instead this came out.

Valentines day has always been a difficult day for me for it was my best friends birthday and he and three of our best friends would spend it together before they all died…

…and perhaps that is why it turned out so horrible…I really didn't intent to make it like this....but when I showed it to my beta she told me I absolutely had to post it so….here it is…

* hides from the flames T-T…I killed Merlin….OMG….T-T *