Title: Declaration of Love, Part 2

Warnings: Post S5, contains some supposition on my part of John's past (influenced slightly by the episode Vegas).

Comments: Response to the Beya Valentine's Day 'Different Types of Love' Challenge - go on head over to the Beya LJ and try your hand at the challenge (fic, artwork etc), it runs right through to the end of Feb. This is my continuing response to the prompt – Declarations of Love.

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The laptop's screen stared back at him, glowing happily, waiting for him to type more. His fingers hovered over the keys as he struggled to focus his attention enough to know what to type. His left wrist twitched as he went to check the time, but he caught himself and looked back to the screen, only for his eyes to drop to its corner where the time was displayed anyway. It had only been half an hour since Rodney and Ronon had left. It took a good fifteen minutes to walk to the Athosian's camp, so they would only have been there for fifteen minutes.

He frowned at his thoughts and dragged them back to the entirely unnecessary work that he had found to do. For perhaps the first time in his life he was in the position of having done all his paperwork, with nothing outstanding, even the basic boring only vaguely necessary stuff complete. In the face of that he couldn't pretend anymore that he hadn't been purposefully overworking lately. Ironic though that by doing so, he had left himself without anything to do on the very day he actually needed the excuse of the work. But, that hadn't stopped him finding something to work on. There was always something to be done here, so he had started on next month's work. He couldn't remember ever working ahead of himself before. Except, he realised, when they had originally lost Carson – he had overworked to the point of making up work that time as well. It did not pass his notice that he was reacting the same way this time, as he had to that grief.

He looked away from the screen, annoyed by the helpful blinking of the cursor. The distaste in his stomach was new with its intensity, but otherwise he had managed to ignore and suppress the rest. That was until this morning. He had stood in his quarters before his smart jacket hanging up before him and he couldn't do it. He didn't like himself for it, and regretted the way he had practically told Rodney to shut up with his questions.

Until now he had been able to compartmentalise his feelings, ignore the very presence of those feelings even, but today he hadn't been able to face them at all. So, he had put the jacket back in his wardrobe and pulled his uniform on instead. Fortunately, Woolsey and the others had already left, so it had only been his teammates that he had been forced to make weak excuses to.

Now, sitting up in Woolsey's office, he felt angry at himself. Not only for being so weak as to have to avoid the ceremony, but also for having let it all get to him like this. It would be alright though – he would make excuses to Teyla later and she would forgive him for missing her wedding. They would just get back to normal and everything would be fine.

He looked back down to the mostly empty screen. Who was he kidding? The genie was out of the bottle today, and he felt bruised and battered by its escape. He could pretend and hide away, but it wouldn't change the fact that he felt far more in his chest than he should. She was getting married. His eyes strayed back to the corner of the laptop's screen – maybe already was.

Below, the gate activated and he turned, eager for any distraction. It had been active a lot this morning, with people heading to the Athosian camp and there was a team stationed at the Athosian gate since this morning, who had been replaced not long after Rodney and Ronon left. John watched the pale watery light of the wormhole fill the Gate Room below, followed by the brief red haze as the shield went up over the event horizon. It was probably just a check in from the Athosian team. John tracked his gaze to Chuck in the next room and watched him looking at his computer screen, patiently waiting for a code or radio contact. Foolishly, John found he really didn't want to leave Woolsey's closed goldfish bowl of an office. There would be questions in the technician's eyes - innocent curious questions as to why he hadn't gone to one of his best friend's and teammate's wedding. He didn't want to face any of it just yet.

He saw Chuck's expression relax and the red haze flare again down in the Gate Room that was the shield dropping – friend not foe. John wasn't technically even on duty, but Chuck still looked his way and shook his head to say that it was nothing important. So, without anything to distract him, John returned his attention to the computer, to make sure he looked like he was very busy working.

His eyes moved to the time again, to see that only five minutes had passed. Most ceremonies were maybe half an hour, though there were other Athosians involved, so it might take longer. The ceremony might not have even started yet he considered gloomily. He tried to work out what the schedule might be, deciding that she would likely be married within an hours' time.

Movement outside the glass front of the office drew his attention, and hoping for a distraction he looked up, to see Teyla walking across the bridge towards Woolsey's office and him. Shock and panic flared through him. God, had she come to get him for the ceremony? He had assumed she would simply accept his absence, not turn up to drag him there. What the hell was he going to say to her?

She reached the closed glass door to the office and pulled it open, and the fact that she was dressed in a lovely cream and gold coloured dress only made it all worse. That she looked so beautiful in it made it all that much more painful. All she needed was a bouquet and a veil.

In his mind he flashed through his prepared excuses, which he hadn't been planning to practice until later, but now he tried to remember what he was going to say. He fixed a weak smile on his face as she stepped through the door, the sounds of the Gate and Control Room with her.

"Ceremony over already?" He asked as a greeting, trying to sound both cheerful and concerned.

The door shut behind her, the silence of the closed office returning, and she looked at him with an intense directness. She was pissed he decided. He looked down to his mostly blank screen and had the urge to close it all down, hide his lack of work from her, but the thin weak barricade of the screen between them wasn't something he was ready to give up. He looked busy behind it at least.

"Ah, look sorry about missing it," he began as he glanced back to her. "But, I really needed to get…" he gestured to the empty screen.

"You have not missed it," she replied.

Great, she really had come back to get him. The weight of panic returned, his chest feeling oddly tight. He had wanted to make his excuses after the event, when nothing could be changed, but she was forcing him to lie to her, face to face. He found he couldn't quite meet her lovely dark eyes anymore. He licked his lips as he ran his eyes along the one line of text he had written on the screen before him, and only now noticed that it didn't really make much sense.

"I've really got to finish this," he said as best he could and looked back up to her with the strength he usually employed for the battlefield.

"Can we just…" she interrupted him, but paused and looked away from him.

He felt a serious pang that had he was upsetting her, and that she was going to try and talk him into going which would force him to say 'no' directly to her. Not for the first time did he think that maybe he should just go to her ceremony, stand at the back and not really watch, then make some excuses to leave early from the reception. He had managed to see her and Kanaan together over the last year hadn't he? Of course, that was very rare and they were usually just passing Torren over or sitting together in the Mess Hall. A wedding would be very different. There would be hugging, kissing and walking around arm in arm. He could feel the painful sensations returning with just thinking of suffering through that. No, he couldn't go and watch that. At least this way he could keep some of his heart intact and could just move on when it was all over, get back to normal again.

"Can we please," she continued, drawing his regretful eyes back to her. "Please be honest with each other…this one time at least."

He took immediate offense to that, and latched onto that annoyance as a powerful and distracting emotion to focus on instead of the emotional pain. He sat back in Woolsey's chair. "I'm sorry I can't…" he began, his lies ready to fall from his lips.

"Are you?" She demanded softly.

He snapped his eyes to hers, aware that she sounded quite emotional. Her eyes met his with a forcefulness that he knew from past experience meant she was not going to back down. "Of course," he replied, but he looked away as he answered her. She remained quiet, the air full of her expectation for more. "I don't want to…you know," he added his fingers brushing along the edge of the laptop's keyboard as he tried not to lie to her. "Upset you or anything."

He hadn't realised how much he had clearly upset her by not going to her big day. He hated himself for that, and again considered just agreeing to go now to make her happy. He could muddle through it, it was better than hurting her so obviously now, but if he did that he would be all but confessing that he had made up his earlier reasons not to be there.

He looked back up at her. She was watching him with those wide dark eyes, studying him intently as if she was looking for something from him. He should just agree to go, but he couldn't make himself agree to the wedding in any small way. He felt annoyed at himself for this – for having let himself fall for her so hard, for not having seen it so clearly before, and for purposefully letting her slip away from him.

She was still looking at him and he felt increasingly uncomfortable under her gaze. What did she want from him?! She had already stolen his heart without him realising and now she wanted him to watch her get married! Of course she didn't know any of that, so he couldn't really blame her for her confusion. For being hurt.

It occurred to him that some nasty part of him might be doing this to hurt her on purpose, because then at least he knew he meant something to her. Because he hadn't done anything before to keep her or even tell her what he felt. He knew that had been partly because he wasn't sure how she would react, that he would lose her as his friend, and lose her presence beside him each day in their team, but also…

He looked away from her. The memories from his past, dark and painful, stampeded into his thoughts, having gotten free for the first time in so many years. Recalled faces merging with the memories of the chopper in flames, the descent into madness, his capture by the enemy and his final suffering – that he had almost sacrificed others to save someone he cared for, and hadn't even managed to save in the end. He couldn't go through that again, because he knew with sharp painful knowledge that Teyla meant more to him than any of those before. He had risked himself for Teyla before, but that had been just him, his choice. But, he knew, without doubt, the shameful truth that were she placed in a dangerous situation where he may have to risk others to save her – he would. It wasn't what you were supposed to do, but he knew he would. He had battled against that for a long time, but had felt safe in the fact that she was able to look after herself so much better than any woman he had known before, but also that Ronon was there to watch her back as well.

Those he had risked before for a close friend…he still knew all their names, hated himself for their injuries and suffering. He had been striving to pay penance for what he had done all those years ago, the orders he had disobeyed and the damage he had caused. At least now he was aware of that weakness of his, and had not reacted blindly in the face of potential tragedy again to save one over others. He told himself that he was different now, that he would see a situation differently, and that of course people naturally put those they cared for ahead of strangers. But, to make sure, he had not sought out any real close relationships since, but his team here had become so important to him, and as Teyla's importance to him had grown he had made sure he had let her slip through his fingers.

The pain that he had felt when she had announced her pregnancy had broken through that indifference to the point of him almost hating her for it. But, he had recovered his centre and their friendship had continued. That Kanaan had arrived into the city had actually helped, because it made it all the more obvious that there never was going to be even the chance of something between her and John. Then this ceremony had been announced, and it had held a finality that John hadn't realised he had been dreading. He had tried not to, but he had fallen in love with her, and she wasn't meant for him.

"John?" She asked, breaking him from his thoughts and back to the current pressing situation. He couldn't tell her all that, he could barely admit it to himself. He looked back up to her and decided that perhaps what he needed was to see her married – maybe that would break his heart enough to finish this. Maybe then he would just get over it.

"Okay," he told her and broke his eyes away from her surprised look. "I'll come to the ceremony and then come back here afterwards to finish this," he said as he reached for the laptop, to switch off its bright cheerfulness. He closed the screen down and stood up from Woolsey's chair. "I'll have to go like this," he said offhandedly as he moved around from behind the desk. She was going to have to be happy with him in his crumpled uniform, because there was no way he was going to dress up for her wedding.

He stepped around the desk and finally looked at her, offering her a smile, but it was difficult and he found that he hated her a little bit for this. Maybe that would help him get through this.

But, she remained stood in the way of the door, her eyes on him. He noticed that her eyes were still really wide, and oddly…something. He paused and looked into her gaze, thinking for a moment that he saw the shine of potential tears in her eyes.

"Is that…is that what you want?" She asked, and there was a slight break in her voice.

He frowned at her – what more did she want from him? Wasn't this hard enough? Now, she was asking him so directly that again he would be forced to lie to her.

"No."

He was shocked at his truthfulness, feeling suddenly hot with embarrassment and fear. He hadn't been able to lie to her when she was looking at him like that; proud, strong, and beautiful, and demanding honesty from him. For a second he was glad that they had never become more than friends, because she would have so much power over him. He couldn't imagine ever denying her anything. He couldn't even deny her his pain.

She inhaled loudly and released it as she nodded, her shoulders and expression relaxing. He was confused by her reaction and watched as she kept nodding, her eyes down-turned. Was she disappointed in him? Angry with him? He almost opened his mouth to offer some excuse or something, so that he hadn't disappointed her, but he held it back. He had been honest, unintentionally, but once it was out, he wasn't going to retract it. Stubbornly, he waited for her gaze to return to his, and readied himself for her next question.

He wasn't sure what he should say when she did, because he certainly couldn't tell her the whole truth. Maybe, he could say he didn't like Kanaan, didn't think he was right for her. That wasn't a lie, because John didn't like the Athosian man. Of course it wasn't like he had gone out of his way to even talk to the guy beyond simply nodding a greeting as they passed in the hallway.

Deciding that would be his best defence for his admission, he held himself ready to explain why he didn't want to go to her wedding. True it might upset her, that he didn't like her choice of husband, but at least he would be honest, and it didn't sound too bad; that he wanted the best for her. Then he considered – was it right of him to have that opinion when he didn't really think he would be any better for her than Kanaan? If it was another guy, a great guy for her, John knew he still wouldn't want her married to anyone. It was stubborn jealousy to the point of ridiculousness, but it was what he felt.

She finally looked up at him and he was confused to see a pained smile on her lips. She nodded again, to herself presumably, and she met his eyes directly again.

"Why?" She asked.

He had his reply ready, in detail and length, but answered simply. "I don't like Kanaan," he said bluntly as he crossed his arms over his chest.

There was a touch of amusement to her nod this time that told him she had been fully aware of that fact. "Why?" She pressed, her eyes still holding his with her own stubbornness as she demanded honesty from him.

"He's not right for you," he said immediately, glad he had accurately predicted her forthright questions and had his answers ready. He held her eyes, waiting for her next question: what wasn't right about Kanaan.

Her eyes assessed him. "I agree," she replied softly.

John opened his mouth to tell her what he didn't like about Kanaan, but then shut his mouth as he registered what she had said. "What?" He asked, his stubborn mask dropping with his surprise.

She let out an amused breath as she smiled a little sadly and nodded her head. She broke her eyes from his. Relief made John suddenly relaxed again, and he uncrossed his arms from his chest.

"I do not love him," she said, looking up at John from under her brow slightly, making her eyes look even wider and brighter.

Thank God, was all John could think, and he tried carefully to hide that reaction from his expression.

"I love you," she added softly.

He froze at that, replaying what he thought she had said, as he locked his eyes with hers. She lifted her chin, looking up at him, directly into his eyes, her honesty blunt and unapologetic.

The shock fixed him in place; unsure what to say, or to do, except to stare back into her dark eyes, desperate to be sure he understood her correctly. All his reasons for keeping his distance from her still all made sense, but he hadn't considered her being the one to make the move. What could a guy do when the woman he had loved for years told him she loved him?

She stepped towards him, her hand touching against his jacket and he was staring at her lips as she lifted her chin up towards him. He didn't think anything at that moment; didn't worry or stress. He just dipped his chin and pressed his lips against hers.

Her lips were warm and soft, and they parted fractionally as they pressed tighter against his. The feel of her lips, the heat of her hand burning against the front of his jacket, led to him to reach for her, sliding his hands up her arms as he pulled her fractionally closer to him. He caught her lower lip between his, letting the moment just drag him along and there was the subtlest touch of the tip of her tongue against his lip.

There was no thinking involved in him sliding his arms right around her, crushing her against him as he slanted his mouth against hers and her lips opened. The inside of her mouth was wet and hot, and as her tongue danced against his he buried his fingers into her hair to hold her even closer.

He felt the soft brush of what felt like flower petals falling from her hair as he kissed her deeply, finally after all these years allowing himself to express not only what he felt, but what he wanted.

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THE END