Grief Not Yet Mourned

A Batman/Wonder Woman story by Icha

Rated K+

Disclaimer: Batman, Wonder Woman and other DC characters belong to DC Comics. No copyright infringement intended. Special thanks to Hepburn for the helpful beta. Diana finally grieved over Bruce's death. Inspired by the various WW and JLA issues, the Final Crisis, and Blackest Night events, particularly Blackest Night Wonder Woman (by Greg Rucka, art by Nicola Scott). This is not a sequel to my 'Light in the Darkness'. Rather, it's another interpretation of the said events, particularly after reading BN WW#3. However, you're welcome to treat it as a sequence to Light. Early warning: Although the ending is soothing, this story might be a bit too cathartic for you…

-xxx-

I Dreamt

I dreamt that she sat by my head, tenderly ruffling my hair with
her fingers, playing the melody of her touch. I looked at her face
and struggled with my tears, till the agony of unspoken words burst
my sleep like a bubble.

I sat up and saw the glow of the Milky Way above my window,
like a world of silence on fire, and I wondered if at this moment
she had a dream that rhymed with mine.

~ Rabindranath Tagore

The violet ring had not yet left her. It was still gloriously perching on her right middle finger, gazing back at her as she gazed intently into it. Diana of Themyscira sighed. Nekron was defeated , she had helped Donna Troy's transformation to her old self pre-Black Lantern Troy, she had done the cleaning up, she had also talked with Hal Jordan and Carol Ferris just incase (Goddess forbid) an event like this happen again and she had to help the Star Sapphires Corps once more. Wonder Woman had done her job, and logically, the Star Sapphire ring should have left her. Or at least…changed her costume back to her traditional Wonder Woman costume. As much as her old costume invited many negative comments, Diana still felt more comfortable in it than in her new Star Sapphire costume, lovely as it was.

She tried it already as she touched down at her apartment in Washington, DC. No gorillas inside her house, she felt more at ease and wanted to just strip down and take a shower. "I'd like to return back to my old costume, please," she had said to the ring. It hadn't budge at all. Diana had tried several more times before giving up. Now, tentatively, she tried another way. "Well, I'd like to take a shower. How about that?" The ring glowed a few seconds, enveloping her costumed body. When the light dimmed, she was left with her naked body. Diana grinned. "Well, that obviously worked. Thank you."

But – naked as she was – her body still glowed in violet light. Diana looked into the mirror and found a pair of violet eyes looking back at her instead of her usual blue eyes. Accepting 'defeat', Diana submerged herself in aromatherapy warm water and sank into her bath tub for almost an hour before emerging out of the now-grey water.

With her towel wrapped around her lithe body, Diana walked into her bedroom and sat down at her bed. She lifted her hand to examine the glowing violet ring, intrigued by its persistence to stay with her.

"Something you'd like to tell me?" she whispered to the ring. She was half joking, so she was surprised to hear a feminine voice whispering back into her heart.

Grief.

Diana blinked. "W-what?"

Grief. That voice again. Truth.

Truth. Diana searched around and reached for her Lasso of Truth. "This one?"

Truth. Wear Truth.

Something within her suddenly crawled out with such coldness. "What for?"

The voice wasn't in the mood of negotiation. Love. Truth. Wear Truth. Then the ring glowed brighter, as if stating its urgency. Diana hesitated for a while; she knew where this would lead her. "I know what I need to know."

Love. Truth. Wear Truth. The ring persistently glowed even brighter. And as if it wasn't stressing enough, the lasso in her hand also started to glow. "Oh okay, you two! I will do that, and after that will you leave me alone?!"

Love. Truth. Wear Truth.

There was no point in arguing with Love and Truth. Diana sighed again before dropping her towel and wrapping herself with her golden lasso. She usually had a daily meditation with her lasso anyway, but never forced like this. She was walking to the Goddess Altar at the corner of her bedroom when something so strong jerked her from within. A vortex, which was so strong, that Diana could not withstand its gravitational pull. She felt her body falling into the vortex and found herself floating in an empty void, bathed in violet and golden lights.

No, not empty. She saw something, images around her. Old memories she always tried to ignore until recently. Until Mera the Queen of Atlantis had pointed it out to her.

She and Bruce. Batman and Wonder Woman. Fighting side by side against the Gods of Gotham. She helped Bruce out of his trance state as the Ultimate God of Fear. Bruce confided in her his fears when she had died a few months beforehand. Bruce comforted her when Donna Troy died.

Another array of images came in. Batman and Wonder Woman. Fighting side by side against the warriors of Ancient Atlantis. They shared a passionate kiss, they fought bravely side by side. They died holding hands.

More images bursting in. Bruce and her having dinner at Wayne Manor. Almost a dinner, at least. At least she got Alfred Pennyworth's full approval. Then… the White Martians attacked. Then…

Diana closed her eyes. "I don't want to see it."

Must see. Love. Truth. Open eyes.

Diana opened her eyes and saw herself… must be around six years ago…walking into a dream machine. You should have used me instead, came another voice into the void. She instinctively knew it was the lasso talking. She chose to ignore it.

She saw again what she had seen when she was in J'onn's dream machine. Beautiful moments with Bruce. Glorious times with Batman. Sad endings with Bruce and the Batman. She couldn't stand the sad endings. She couldn't stand being left alone. She wouldn't be able to stand the pain. Better to end it before it started…

And she did. She saw how her younger self ended it by telling Bruce that it was all just friendship. She saw again a split second flicker of disappointment in Bruce's face before the face shut down and the Bat re-emerged. It was okay, he said, and he embraced her in an amicable way. Diana saw her younger self, six years younger, embracing back the brave warrior … and suddenly the picture stopped. Still embracing Bruce's disappointed figure (who suddenly froze), Diana's younger self locked gaze with her current self.

"We should have tried it," her younger self said to her, almost accusingly.

"We could not," Diana found herself speaking to her younger image. "You know we cannot. It would be too painful."

"Really?!" her younger self did not stop accusing. "Which one is more painful then?"

Diana saw her younger self wave one hand towards her. The picture suddenly dissolved along with the vortex. Diana felt her body sucked deeper into the vortex and was throw into a dark void. Gasping and grasping in panic for the violet and golden lights that were suddenly non-existent, she saw another image coming. No, not an image… Figures. Dimly lit figures, real figures. Goddess… too real…

"NO!" Diana found herself screaming. "I won't see it! I don't want to see it! Let me out of here! Athena, let me out of here!" She then turned around and tried to swim across the void. But her body couldn't move. It just couldn't move. Something forced her head to turn back and face the figures that were coming closer. Diana closed her eyes, but her eyes snapped back open just in a second. She wanted to scream, but no voice came out of her throat. Eyes wide open, she was forced to see what she didn't want to see.

Darkseid and the Batman. Batman lifted a gun towards the crazy God. "Darkseid," said the battered Dark Knight, "For you, I'm making a once in a lifetime exception. A gun and a bullet, Darkseid. It was your idea." Batman then shot Darkseid with the bullet that killed Orion. At the same time, Darkseid's eyes glowed red as he shot Batman back with the Omega Sanction. In seconds, what was left of the bravest knight in the world was a mere charred corpse.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" Diana heard a wailing voice, so deep and painful that it took her a few seconds before realizing that it was her own voice. "Nooooooooooooooo!!! Please don't! Don't make me see it… Noooooooooooooo!!!"

But inexplicably, the same image of Batman threatening Darkseid, shooting him and being killed instead kept playing over and over again in front of her. All around her. Wherever she tried to turn her head, she always saw the same image over and over again. Her head jerked back before she doubled over and wailed in agony. She screamed and wailed, her whole body shaking violently for a long time before she finally dropped onto her knees, devoid of energy.

Diana still sobbed and cried, but no more tears came out. She had shed too many tears in such a short time, tears that were pushed back into her subconscious so she didn't have to deal with the pain. Reaching for her own knees, she curled into fetal position and whimpered like a little girl, left by anyone she loved, lonely in the vast moving world.

"Please…no…" she whimpered again before a voice – not hers – came through the void for the first time since what felt like eons ago.

Grief. Love. Truth. Grief…Mourn…

Then, very dim at first, a violet figure approached her. It was her younger self who embraced Bruce six years ago, still in her dream machine costume. She sat and scooped her older self into her embrace. Diana found her tears again and let them spill silently on the lap of her younger self.

"I should have told him…" Diana finally whispered. "I should've told him that I loved him…"

"We should have," her younger self agreed as she caressed Diana's hair. "I loved him. You still love him. We should have never kept it a secret alone. We should've never held back…"

Diana looked back at her younger self and found the same tears and regrets there. She swallowed hard. "I'm so sorry…"

Her younger self shook her head. "I am the one who is sorry. I was the one who said it all; I was the one who broke it. You are here because of what I did. I was the one who failed you, Diana. I failed us."

Diana disagreed. "No one failed anyone. We did what we thought was right at that time… But –" she hesitated before resuming, "…if we could turn back the time… would we…?"

"We…I would say that I love him. And he would definitely say he loves me back. And we would be together."

"Darkseid might still kill him," Diana pointed out.

"Perhaps, perhaps not. Alternate reality, choices, and all…" argued her younger self. "But one thing I know. We would have had great and loving times with him. It would have been beautiful, no matter how short …" Her younger self embraced Diana back and finally shed her tears as well. "The Love would have been beautiful…"

Grief. Love. Truth. Grief…Mourn…

Together, the two figures sobbed until the last tears were shed and they had no energy left. Diana let herself drifted to sleep, and as she did so, her younger self faded away, merging back into her current self. The whole vortex morphed back into her bedroom, and the violet light that emanated from Diana's body slowly dissolved away.

Grief. Love. Truth. Grief…Mourn…

-xxx-

When Donna Troy came into Diana's apartment the next morning, she found her sister sleeping on the floor next to the Goddess Altar, in tears, wrapped in her glowing lasso, with a violet ring next to her hand. Out of her hand. Confused yet full of love, Donna carried her sister's sleeping body back to the bed and disentangled the lasso. Her sister's body glowed in her usual healthy olive shade, but there were violet scars on her chest. Donna examined the scars, then the violet ring. The ring did not glow at all. Instead, Diana's violet scars glowed beautifully.

-xxx-

Iraqi desert, 9,000 years ago

The supernova was bright. The moonless night made it even brighter and more beautiful that Bruce wished he could share it with someone. With anyone. But the small tribe that he encountered a while ago had moved on a few days back, and for some inexplicable reasons Bruce wanted to stay behind.

Bruce sighed. With no advance tools at all to observe the new supernova, he could only rely on his naked eyes. It was blissful, though, for if he had his astronomical gadgets, he would be thinking and analyzing. Instead now, he just absorbed its beauty. Something he never did until he was transported back into the Stone Age.

Unfortunately, opening his heart to beauty also means opening up to old wounds and sorrows. Funny, because he was now much older than the people he used to be involved in his previous life, and by extensions that means that those memories had actually never existed. But they did exist. And it pained him to replay those memories. He would lie if he said he didn't care. He cared a lot. He cared too much. During the darkest nights since he came into this Stone Age, he often found himself crying silently. At first he minded a lot. He felt vulnerable and so alone. But then he got used to it, and started to accept tears as a way of releasing the pain.

Yet, some pain remained, and observing this supernova reminded him of that pain. The supernova reminded him of his black holes that always need filling, but he never allowed himself any love, within and without, to fill the bottomless holes.

No, he argued with himself. Not true. I made up with Selina. And why not? Why did it take so long for me to realize that like attracts like? Now see where it has brought me.

Then the persistent voice that he had been fighting as of late broke through. True, like attracts like. Black hole attracts black hole. Selina's black hole attracts your black hole. It fits.

Bruce looked up at the diadem night sky and saw a strand of clouds moving into the view of supernova. Soon, the supernova disappeared behind the veils of cloud. He sighed and looked down. Something painful in his heart longed for the supernova to appear again.

Then, that voice again. It fits, but it is still a vacuum, and nature abhors a vacuum. Bruce wanted to tell him to shut up, but how do you tell your inner self to shut up?

Black hole attracts black hole. But then what? Until when can you stand, until you two start sucking up energy and light and are left behind with nothing but hollow voids? With an empty nothingness? With only a numbing weariness due to vain perpetual attempts at fulfillment?

Bruce grunted. He didn't care if anyone heard him; no one spoke English here anyway. "Your point, Sir?"

Stop being a stubborn emotionless black hole. Start becoming a white hole. Start looking for your star within. For your supernova within.

The breeze caressed his hair, and as he looked up again, he saw the clouds moving on, leaving the supernova brightly shining. Bruce suddenly remembered a dream he had a few weeks ago. A beautiful dream of him kissing a woman he loved. He smiled.

"I wouldn't argue the point now. But don't you think it's a bit too late? A) I need help to find my star within. B) The said help is not available. She is in a very different time. She doesn't even know I'm still alive. Hence, what's the point?"

At least you can name the help you need. At least you can name the longing within.

It took Bruce the whole night of watching the supernova until it faded in the first rays of dawn before he whispered,

"Diana..."

He finally stood up and stretched his back, returning to his cave. Smiling at him, the supernova twinkled in the dawn light and disappeared.

-END?-

Author's note:

Thank you Greg Rucka for making me a happy Batwondy fan, Nicola Scott for such beautiful arts, and Jon Glapion and Nei Ruffino for the gorgeous inks and colors! Special thanks to DaisyJane and Lady Isis for the tips about Bruce's whereabouts post Final Crisis. I don't know the exact time Bruce was transported back in time, but I take it after the last ice age (which ended about 10,000 years ago).

Also special thanks to Lady Isis for our discussions. As you might see in the review, she disagreed with me on one particular thing. Although we agree to disagree, I see her viewpoints as well and consider it valid in certain situations. Hence, to accommodate her views and my own takes on Batman's characterisations, on 16 Feb 2010 I changed Bruce's last sentence to what we have now.

I dedicate this story for my special friend 'Sufi Hafiz'. We just met for 24 hours… but he reminded me of my suppressed old memories, my younger selves that I had abandoned for so long…and that I need to relate with them, converse with them before moving on. Thank you my dear friend, from the bottom of my heart…May the Glory of Gaea be with you…