The following story is brought to you by Jill's strange and demented mind. The ideas within are all her own, though the characters are owned by Kishimoto Masashi.

It has taken a really long time to write this story, and my writing style seems to have changed a lot since I began. This is the last chapter, too. I'm slightly relieved to be finished as this drew out longer than I expected, but I'm not sure if I really did cover all of Orochimaru's issues.

The Woes of Orochimaru Part III

Recap:

Sasuke glanced up from the chair he was sitting on in the corner of the room. "Can I have my Emo Sessions now?"

"Sure," Gaara responded in a still-malicious tone, "we can go to another room and begin your Angst Therapy Recovery Sessions right away."

Sasuke scowled. "That's what I meant."

Kabuto snorted.

Gaara sighed, and said in a joking tone of voice, "Now, now boys, no need to get all jealous of each other. After all, Paedo-kun might not make it out of his current session…" With that, he walked off down the hall before Kabuto had enough time to figure out what that meant.

Gaara held the door open for Sasuke just as a loud BANG! was heard followed by an anguished cry of "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Master, you should have used my body!"

Gaara listened to Sasuke emo-ing (the verb form of the noun and adjective 'emo'; another way to describe 'angst') with half-hearted interest. Inside, he was gloating over the fact that he finally, finally, managed to eliminate the one person that had been bothering him for the last two weeks, and, more specifically, the last two hours.

Orochimaru had been blown to bits by the many, many explosive tags Gaara had attached to him. Sure, Gaara would have to suffer a very boring session with Kabuto in about an hour, during which the silver-haired man would most likely cry for a long time over the loss of his 'Oro-kun', but Gaara figured it was worth it, as long as Orochimaru was dead.

Which he was.

Gaara was sure of it.

Sasuke sniffed from the corner, where he sat, arms crossed and looking huffy, in the darkest part of the room. Gaara wasn't sure if he positioned his chair purposely so that the light fell across him in just the right way to make him look shadowed and angsty, and, for fan-girls, 'so hot, and sexy, and alone! Kyaaa!', but he did know that it could not be healthy for anyone to spend that much time brooding. And if Sasuke was practicing his angsting, well that was really bad.

"You know, Sasuke, the point in these sessions is for you to talk to me about your problems. Coming here to sulk isn't going to help you," Gaara said.

"I'm not sulking. I'm deliberating. I don't know what to say to you that I haven't said before. My brother killed my whole family and left me with a severe mental condition, where I am forced to hate him and live the lonely life of an avenger. Naruto is growing stronger than me, and faster, too. He even defeated you! I don't know what to do anymore!" Sasuke said.

Wow, I think that's the most I've ever heard him say in one go, Gaara mused.

Yeah, Shukaku responded.

"You could try training with him," Gaara suggested aloud. "If he's getting strong quickly, maybe mimicking his methods or at least learning with him would allow you to—"

"I'm not training with that dobe! Not outside team training with Kakashi, anyway!" Sasuke shouted. "He's an idiot! What could I possibly learn from him?"

Gaara sighed. "It sounds to me like your only other option is to go with Orochimaru, then."

Sasuke paled and took on a horrified expression. "Never," he hissed.

There is an old saying that goes something like this: Speak of the Devil, and he shall appear.

So it should have been of little surprise to both boys in the room when Orochimaru walked in, smiling stupidly and looking ridiculously happy as he waved at Gaara.

However, Gaara was immediately began spluttering and choking on air as he said, "You—you—not possible—you—you."

Orochimaru continued waving. "Hi, Gaara-sama! Hello, Sasuke-kun!"

Sasuke looked up and sighed. "Are you going to follow me everywhere?" he asked.

"Yes!" Orochimaru declared.

The door opened again, and Kabuto charged in. "Orochimaru-chan! You're alive!" he cried.

Orochimaru turned to Kabuto with the same expression Sasuke had worn a few seconds ago. "Are you going to follow me everywhere?" he asked ironically.

"Yes!" Kabuto declared.

Gaara blinked. They're all insane, he realized.

No duh, Shukaku replied. Why else would they be here?

Shut up. "Why don't you go have your joyful reunion outside, hmm?" he asked as calmly as he could.

"Because I want to tell you how I got out! And what I realized while I was being blown up!" Orochimaru said.

"Fine," Gaara said, pinching his nose in an effort to stop the already-building headache.

"I used the cool snake-skin thingy I can do! You know, where I climb out of my mouth and leave the old me behind?"

Everyone in the room threw up, including Kabuto, although he somehow managed to look at Orochimaru lovingly as he did so, thus causing Gaara and Sasuke to vomit that much more.

"Of course, I realized that the only way I would get away from the explosive tags, and my problems, would be if I climbed away and left them behind!" Orochimaru said, still smiling happily, and using an 'epiphany voice'.

"I see," Gaara said, wiping his mouth.

Sasuke looked around. "Do you have a bathroom? I want to rinse my mouth out."

Gaara pointed the way, and Sasuke quickly left.

Kabuto glared at his back, until the door slammed shut, and then Kabuto glared at it.

"So now I don't even have to worry about the Akatsuki stealing all my nail polish when I left!" Orochimaru said.

"Huh?" Gaara asked, unwillingly intrigued.

"Oh, when I was in the Akatsuki, before I tried to steal Itachi-kun's body, I used to paint my nails. Well, the leader thought that was a good idea, so he painted his nails, too, then everybody painted their nails. Then I tried to merge with Itachi," Orochimaru ignored the violent puking on Gaara's part when he made that 'innocent' comment, and continued speaking, "and they kicked me out. And they wouldn't let me take my nail polish. I had 1,782 bottles of Pearly Purple Shininess, too." Orochimaru sighed sadly, before recovering. "Oh, well. I can always buy more. Besides, they didn't get my eye shadow!"

"Right…" Gaara said. I need to end this session fast. There is no way I will last until the end of the day if he keeps talking.

"Kabuto, why are you in here? I am having a private psycho-therapy session? Go stalk Sasuke or something," Orochimaru said.

Kabuto blinked. "I thought you were the one to stalk Sasuke."

"That's true. But go away. I'm having an enlightening session with my shrink," Orochimaru said.

"But I'm so happy to see you alive; I can't leave now!" Kabuto protested.

"Ugh, fine. But sit down and be quiet. I'm getting to the exciting part."

Gaara waited as patiently as he could for Orochimaru to talk, say what he had to say, shut up, and then leave.

"So, once I realized that I had to climb out of my mouth to get away from the blast, I quickly did that, and did a replacement technique for your secretary's desk!"

Gaara mentally made a note to check on Matsuri as soon as possible.

"I'm all cured now!"

"Good for you. That means this session is over and you will never have to return here again." Gaara resisted the urge to cheer loudly.

"Huh? Oh, I guess that's right," Orochimaru said, giggling slightly at the thought.

"Goodbye," Gaara said, walking over to the door and holding it open, hoping Orochimaru would take the hint and leave.

"So soon? But, I feel like we should say more about me getting blown up!" Orochimaru protested, looking sad. Then he brightened. "I see! I shouldn't dwell on the past! Now that my many issues are behind me, I should move on and just be the confident villain I have always wanted to be!"

"Yes, and you can use those Villain Classes, too," Gaara said sarcastically.

"Oh yeah!" Orochimaru squealed happily, his eyes shining with joy. "You have been so helpful! I'm recommending you to all my friends! You're such a good shrink!" he told Gaara.

Gaara got a bad feeling about this. "Who are your friends?"

"Well, the Akatsuki, of course," Orochimaru replied.

"Even though they stole your nail polish and you tried to… steal the body of one of their members?"

"It would have worked out, too, if he hadn't used his Mangekyou to show me a world with no Sharingan. It paralyzed me in fear!"

Dear, Kami.

"But yes, despite all that, they are my friends! I think you particularly need to see one of them, his name is Hidan. He's got a few screws loose, if you know what I mean."

Gaara thought about this for a moment, he really did. He considered it long and hard and thought of both the pros and the cons. If he saw this 'Hidan', he would be helping someone who needed therapy so bad, even Orochimaru noticed it. On the other hand, being a shrink was tiring, and after only a month of seeing Orochimaru, Gaara wanted to kill himself, and then the pale man. So maybe taking on another client was a bad idea. He nodded at this conclusion. "I'll consider it," he said aloud.

You moron, you said you'd think about it, Shukaku said.

I did? Oh crap! Take it back! Take it back! Gaara mentally shouted.

It's your mouth; you do it.

Says the big lump of sand that always used me to kill people before… However, when Gaara ended his mental conversation, Orochimaru was looking impossibly happy. Gaara sighed deeply.

Orochimaru stopped talking, and then put on a sad face. "I'll miss you, too, Gaara-sama!" he wailed, walking forward to do… something.

Oh my Kami, is he trying to take my body? Gaara shouted in his head. If he is, eat him when he comes in here, Shukaku!

On it! the Sand Raccoon replied.

"You look frightened," Orochimaru said. "All I want is a hug."

Shukaku burst out laughing. Gaara began to cry.

Orochimaru cried, too, although he didn't know why. All he knew was Gaara was crying, so he should also. "Don't cry, Gaara-sama! I'll make sure I visit you often!" he said, wrapping his arms around Gaara and holding him close.

Aagh! I'm being hugged by Orochimaru! Someone, kill me!

Me too! Shukaku screamed.

"I want a hug!" Kabuto said.

Orochimaru waved him over, and suddenly, Gaara was being smooshed by a pale pedophile and his assistant.

Why isn't your sand doing anything? he demanded of Shukaku.

We aren't technically in danger, the demon replied.

That's baloney. Save me!

Gaara tried to get free, but, when the door opened again and Sasuke entered with his mouth all clean, Gaara was still being hugged by both Kabuto and Orochimaru.

"What the vengeance?" Sasuke said.

"Save me!" Gaara cried, as he pushed against his two assailants to no avail.

Sasuke stared.

"Um, hello? I said 'Save me!'," Gaara repeated when he realized that Sasuke wasn't doing anything.

Sasuke kept staring.

"Do something, you idiot! I'm being hugged by a pedophile who wants your body!" he tried.

Sasuke slowly backed out of the room.

"Come back here, you chicken! I won't help you with your angsting if you leave now!" Gaara called desperately.

Sasuke turned when he reached the door, and quickly ran away.

"Gaah!" Gaara shouted in frustration, now attempting to use his sand to pry them off. It wasn't working.

"I love my psychiatrist-sama!" Orochimaru squealed. "And I will never leave you!"

"Aagh!" In a last attempt to free himself and preserve his little remaining sanity, Gaara called his sand around him, and constructed his Ultimate Defense. "Ah, I'm saved!"

"Gaara-sama, don't you want a hug?" Orochimaru called from outside the big sand ball.

There are two downsides to this technique, Shukaku began in a casual tone. The first is that you can't move anywhere while using it. The second is that the air eventually becomes stale in here, and you can't breathe, unless you make a small hole. If you make a hole—

—they can get in, Gaara finished. Dagnammit. We'll have to go with Plan B.

We have a 'Plan B'? What is it?

Gaara mentally smirked in reply. He smirked on the outside, too, but no one could see that, so the effect would be lost for Shukau. Wait and see, my friend, wait and see.

The sand shell around him dissolved, revealing Orochimaru crying into a hanky, and Kabuto rubbing his back gently, trying to calm him down.

Gaara swallowed the bile rising in his throat, and tried to smile kindly at them.

It must not have worked because Orochimaru just cried further.

Gaara shrugged. "Your session is over Orochimaru. Please leave. Kabuto, you can sit down there, as Sasuke has left."

Orochimaru looked up. "Why didn't you let me hug you?"

"I don't want a hug."

Orochimaru looked shocked. "Why not?"

"Because you are my patient and it violates the professional relationship we hold," Gaara said, feeling smug that he had won.

"But I'm not your patient anymore! My problems are solved!" Orochimaru said, closing in for another hug.

"I also don't like hugs. Plus, if you think about it, we're technically enemies now that you have killed my father and the invasion of Konoha fell through," Gaara pointed out.

"Ah, did you have to bring that up again?" Orochimaru whined. He paused and took a deep breath. "It's okay. I will get over it. I will be strong. And I'll just try to invade Konoha again later," he said calmly. He looked around, surprised. "Hey, it works! I really am cured! You're such a great shrink!"

"GO AWAY!" Gaara screamed in frustration.

Kabuto and Orochimaru looked at him, surprised.

"You don't really mean that," Orochimaru said teasingly after a few moments.

Gaara allowed Shukaku's body to form around him, focusing especially on his face. As his eyes went into the odd yellow-green of the One-tailed Beast, Kabuto freaked out and ran away, but Orochimaru remained where he was.

"I know you'd never hurt me! You're just trying to make sure I'm really cured!" He tried to hug Gaara again, but Gaara finally cracked.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" he screamed, no longer holding Shukaku back.

Surprisingly, Shukaku did not take advantage of this momentary lap in Gaara's sanity to transform and kill stuff. He was too shocked himself, and too busy mentally screaming about how 'Creepy pedophiles should not be allowed to hug anyone' to notice that he technically could take over and do whatever he wanted.

Orochimaru merely watched passively as Gaara screamed in rage, annoyance, irritation, frustration, and something else. When Gaara finally paused for air, Orochimaru said, "So, I'll tell Pein-san to contact you and begin setting up appointments for—"

Gaara's shouts once more cut the pale villain off. "That's it! I quit! I am a psychiatrist no more!" Gaara shouted. "Sort out your own problems! I'm gonna go become Kazekage!" With that, Gaara ran from the room, ignoring everyone he passed in his goal to get away from Orochimaru and his issues.

"Looks like psychiatrist-sama needs to go see… a psychiatrist-sama," Orochimaru said, giggling at his own joke.

He found Kabuto in the lobby, where the silver-haired glasses-wearer was throwing things at Sasuke (too bad Gaara quit; Kabuto obviously needed that session, Orochimaru thought), and left the building after making one last promise/threat/lust-filled pedophiliac statement to Sasuke about how the boy should come to the Sound with them.

Sasuke merely 'hn'ed and went back to sulking in the corner. Apparently, news that Gaara was no longer a psychiatrist hadn't registered with him yet, but Orochimaru figured that as soon as it did, Sasuke would no longer be able to suppress the Cursed Seal, and then he would come to Oto willingly for Orochimaru's power.

It seemed the sessions with Gaara hadn't fully removed Orochimaru's ability to chuckle manically, as he let out a short 'kukuku.'

Gaara, meanwhile, sneezed violently in the storage closet he and Matsuri (who he found in the lobby hiding under her chair) were hiding in until everyone left. He wasn't sure how long it would take, but he was prepared to sit there for a week if necessary.

Anything to prevent Orochimaru from harassing him again.

Little did he know that being Kazekage would be no different.

A year later, Gaara stood on the balcony, waving at his citizens. He was now Kazekage, and the few weeks he had worked as a psychiatrist were long forgotten.

That is, until he heard a shrill fan-girl squeal and a 'hn'.

Gaara looked down at the crowd, and fainted.

Orochimaru, wearing tourist clothing and sporting a visor to shield his pale face from the hot sun of the desert, and Sasuke and Kabuto, were standing in the crowd, waving up at him.

The last thing Gaara thought before blacking out was Oh no, not again…