Lofty Timbers

Bella and Emmett bond over classic vampire movies. Post-Eclipse and Pre-BD one-shot for the "ADF (A Different Forest) Happy Valentine's Day Emmett Challenge."

Lofty timbers, the walls around are bare, echoing to our laughter as though the dead were there... Quaff a cup to the dead already, hooray for the next to die!

"Hey, Bella, come on in," Emmett called from the living room.

"Am I early? Edward said seven-thirty," Bella called back as she walked into the otherwise empty living room.

"No. Edward, Jasper and Alice should be back in a few minutes," Emmett said from his place on the couch. "I guess there was a last-minute incident concerning a mountain lion. Alice said you should go ahead and pick out a movie before they get back."

"A mountain lion, huh?" Bella asked.

"Yep, Edward's going to arrive a very happy vampire."

"Good," Bella commented with a small smile.

"Does a happy Edward make a happy Bella?" Emmett asked, raising a suggestive eyebrow.

"Stop it, Emmett," Bella said, blushing furiously.

"Ah-hah, I will interpret your red face and the increase in your scent to be an unequivocal yes."

"Emmett," Bella pleaded in low tone.

"Did you just growl at me, Bella? You don't have to practice those now, they'll come to you naturally as a vampire." Emmett laughed. "I can't wait to hear you growl as a vampire."

"I'm glad I'll still entertain you," Bella said, rolling her eyes. "Where are these movies I'm supposed to pick from?"

"Right here," Emmett said, getting up to open one side of the entertainment system.

Belle's eyes widened. "Wow, that's quite a collection. It might take me all night just to look at them all."

Emmett shrugged. "Then just pick one at random."

"At random? What if I hate the one I pick?"

Emmett gave her a condescending look. "Then you put it back and pick another one at random."

Bella blinked. "I think that method is quite inefficient."

"Judge all you want, but you're the one who needs to be home before midnight," Emmett said, sitting back down on the couch.

"Right," Bella muttered, putting her hand in the cupboard and pulling out a random DVD.

"Nosferatu?" Bella exclaimed, looking at the DVD in her hand in disbelief.

"Good choice, Bella," Emmett said, nodding vigorously. "Very educational. If you're going to be a vampire you have to see Nosferatu."

"I've seen it, and yes, I learned a lot from it," Bella huffed.

"You did?" Emmett asked, his eyes wide with curiosity.

Bella gave Emmett an exasperated look. "Yeah, I've already succeeded in making a vampire lay in my bed until the break of dawn, now haven't I?"

"I guess you have," Emmett said thoughtfully. "You do have such a lovely throat."

"Exactly," Bella affirmed, shoving the DVD back onto the shelf. "You, however, still have a lot to learn from Nosferatu."

"I do?"

Bella gave him an irritated look. "Yes. For example, you are completely hopeless at laying in your coffin and putting on the lid without using your hands."

Emmett laughed. "Very true."

"And your scary vampire hands don't look scary, they just look gay," Bella added.

Emmett crossed his arms over his chest and pouted. "It's not my fault my fingernails don't grow anymore, and I bet I could make you think my hands are scary."

"You know, I'm not afraid of you anymore, Emmett," Bella said with a sigh.

"You're not? That's disappointing."

Bella rolled her eyes again and looked back at the massive selection of movies. "I'm sure it is."

"But you used to find me scary, isn't that right Bella?" Emmett pressed.

Bella turned and gave Emmett an appraising look, putting a hand on her hip. "Yes, I used to think you were a very scary vampire, Emmett," she confirmed.

"But not anymore?"

Bella shook her head and went back to browsing the shelf, deciding against Emmett's suggestion of randomly choosing a movie. "No, I'm afraid not."

"No?" Emmett asked. "Look into my eyes."

Bella turned on her heel quickly. "Okay, I'm looking into your eyes. And I still don't find you scary."

Emmett huffed. "Look! Deeper. Tell me what you see."

"I still don't see anything scary," Bella said with a laugh. Emmett wasn't nearly as dazzling when he was channeling Bela Lugosi.

"Whatever did I do that made you lose your faith in my scariness?" Emmett asked sadly.

Bella sighed and pulled Nosferatu back off the shelf and pointed at the picture on the back. "You see his hands? Those are scary. Your hands though..." Bella trailed off with a wave in his direction.

"Aww, come on Bella. Look at Graf Orlok, he's as scrawny as a bat and looks like one too. I'm so much bigger than him, big and scary like a bear. That has to count for something."

Bella shook her head again. "Bats are scary, Emmett. Bears, while they can be scary, are also cuddly like teddy bears."

Emmett's face fell for a moment before he perked up. "You really think I'm cuddly, Bella?" he asked eagerly.

Bella shoved the DVD back on the shelf forcefully. "Emmett, do you want to be scary? Or do you want to be cuddly? You can't be both."

"But you just said that bears are cuddly, but can be scary sometimes. So which one am I?"

"Which one do you want to be, Emmett?"

Emmett frowned. "With you, Bella, I want to be cuddly. Bears are cuddly with their family, and you're family."

Bella smiled. "Really?"

"Of course, Bella. Why else do you think I voted yes in your little late-night poll?"

"Umm, I don't know?" Bella asked, biting her lip.

"Because, Bella," Emmett said with complete seriousness, "all proper vampires need to have three wives."

Bella gaped at him. "But there are already three females here. Does somebody not share?"

"Oh, Bella, you need to know that dear Alice doesn't like to travel with me when I'm in my bat form. She says it is 'beneath her dignity.' Whatever that's supposed to mean."

Bella sniffed and looked back at the shelves of DVD's. "That's terrible of her," she commented.

"I know," Emmett agreed. "But that's why I'm here with you and not out hunting."

Bella smiled at him. "I'll go hunting with you, Emmett."

"I knew it, and see, that's why I voted yes."

Bella sighed and turned back to the movie selection again. "Great, I'll be sure to find you a million rats."

Emmett shuddered. "No, please, they're awful, just awful."

Bella stopped reading the movie titles and looked at Emmett in horror. "You mean you actually tried rat?"

Emmett looked away. "They're mammals too, you know," he said as if it was a well-rehearsed defense. "And there's nothing wrong with trying out different palettes."

After an uncomfortable moment Bella nodded. "Right. At least you aren't eating flies or anything."

It was Emmett's turn to look horrified. "Yeah, that's just gross."

"Or nice fat spiders," Bella added.

If it was possible for a vampire to turn green, Emmett would have turned that exact color. "Disgusting."

"So there is something wrong with trying out different palettes?" Bella asked in mock innocence.

"Yes," Emmett said emphatically. "Let that be your first lesson in vampirism. There are some things you should never try to drink from."

"Right, so humans are off the list, and so are flies and spiders and rats. What else?"

Emmett thought for a moment. "Squirrels. Definitely squirrels."

"Squirrels," Bella repeated slowly, looking back at the choice of movies. "I'll keep that in mind, thanks."

"You're welcome."

Bella shook her head is disbelief as she realized that Emmett actually thought he was being helpful. "Here. This movie. August Rush," Bella said emphatically, pulling the perfectly normal movie about humans from the shelf.

Emmett eyed the DVD with suspicion. "Children of the night. What music they make."

Bella smiled. "I'm so glad I can joke around with you like this. Edward hates my vampire jokes."

Emmett shrugged. "He's crazy."

"Maybe they're all crazy," Bella said in a conspiratorial whisper. "All except you and me. Though I sometimes have my doubts about you, you and your experiments with rats and squirrels."

"Who's crazy?" Alice asked, skipping into the room.

Bella laughed and winked at Emmett. "Everyone. Everyone's crazy."

A/N: Classic vampire movies I used as inspiration, quoted from, or lifted dialogue from, are: Nosferatu (1922), Dracula (1931), and Abbott and Costello Meet Frankenstein (1948).