A/N: I don't own Twilight, thankfully. And this is just faintly based of the movie, so the scenes might not align along with the movie, but this is just for fun, so it shouldn't matter anyway.

My name is Bella Swoon, Swam, wait, hold on, I'm a little high right now. Swan! That's it, my name is Bella Swan and I live, well used to live, in Phoenix. My mom lost custody of me a while back, a week ago to be precise. She tried to hook up with my principal on a school day, in the middle of school. She really wasn't too fond of my mother. Yes, she, my principal is a woman, a very buff woman. Now I have to move to Forks to live with my Dad. I'm not mad about it, but I just hope it's better than coming home every night with my mom on the couch with another chick every night.

I couldn't remember the drive over from the airport. Maybe I was sleeping, no I was still high.

"Bella, you've grown up so much." My dad Charlie said with his monotone.

"You're not gay now after all these years are you?"

"No."

"Good, just making sure. Mom's been a little crazy lately."

"Is that so? I really haven't heard from your mother lately anyway."

"Probably, because she was too busy with transsexuals." I muttered under my breath.

"You should go unpack in your room, you have school tomorrow."

I unpacked in my new smallish room and went to sleep. Okay, fine, I passed out after sniffing an assortment of markers.

In the morning I woke up feeling really, really good. Sniffing markers was one of my favorite pass-times to make me feel better from all the rejection from my mom.

"Bella, come on down, Jacob's here." Jacob was a boy from when we were kids, I still remember him from back then. I raced downstairs weary of the fact I was still buzzed from the markers.

Jacob was outside to meet me, "Hey Bella, long time no see." His entire body was covered in thick hair, especially his head and face. "I hope you like your welcoming present." In the driveway was an old orange pick-up truck.

"Wow, a car, can I drive it to school." I felt confident that I could drive safely."

"Of course, go on or you'll be late." Charlie pushed.

I got in a drove halfway down the road when I found a whole clump of hair, ewww, Jacob.

My nose was still dry from the night before when I got to the school and I was feeling kind of lonely. All of a sudden, a strange guy came up from behind me. "HEY! You must be the new girl, girlfriend~." He was obviously gay.

"Yeah, I guess…"

"Hey, is that perfume, you smell fruity," he paused, "But I like it." He whispered. I forgot to mention the markers from last night were also assorted flavors too. "Hey, lucky you. We have all the same classes, study buddies!" I hadn't noticed that he had looked over my shoulder and looked at my schedule.

"Great. Today's going to be fun." I said sarcastically.

Classes were boring, mostly because of the repeated sentences starting with, 'Hey!' When lunch finally came around, Eric, the gay boy from earlier, guided me over to his table, which was filled with his whole group of friends. Most of them I had already seen in some of my previous classes. I was still a little too woozy, but I managed to remember all of their names, so I just sat down quietly, and looked around.

"Who are those people over there?" There was a group of people that seemed to never leave each other and they sat down at their own table.

Angela gave an answer to my question, "Oh, those are the Cullens. The girl with the short hair is Alice. She's been tested positive for over 10 STDs, probably because she's with a different guy every week."

"Oh, oh, oh, and that cute one over there, by Alice, is Jasper, he's my boyfriend."

"Shut up Eric, no he's not!" exclaimed Mike.

"Hey, he is too! He just doesn't know it yet." Eric retaliated, his face turning a little red. "Jasper's bi, so everything will work out eventually." Eric finished while licking his lips.

Angela continued with the introductions, "The other girl with the longer hair is Rosalie, don't be fooled by her hot, supple, toned, body." Her mouth started to drool, "She's been through countless plastic surgeries with her dad."

Tyler answered the last introduction, "Rosalie takes advantage of Emmett because he has Schizophrenia.

"Eric looked confused for some reason. "Where's Edward?"

"Really, you didn't hear?" Jessica whispered as she leaned in closer. "Edward was caught coming to school naked. And he acted as if it was nothing special, but now he's suspended."

"Ahhh, that sucks, I must have been absent that day." Eric exclaimed surprised and a little sad.

"Gosh, hold on." Everyone, even the guys, pulled out a cell phone, except for Angela who pulled out a large camera, then showed Eric and me their screens which showed multiple pictures and even videos of Edward's body. One of the videos showed Edward walking at a slow pace with his big, long, floppy, and beautiful hair bouncing up and down. Oh, and it also showed his big, long, and floppy—

"Hey can you send those to me," Eric said. "Especially the videos." He finished with a happy smile on his face.

Biology class was next after lunch, so I quickly headed over there trying to avoid Eric along the way. I managed to get to class before that stupid Eric did. Inside most of the students were already there and so was the teacher. "Ah, Isabella, go over there and sit by Edward."

Edward? Yes, it was Edward, sitting by himself, fully clothed. I recognized him from his hair. I sat down next to him and shot a quick glance at his pants. Right there in the middle was a large bulge. I acted as if I never saw it and continued along with the class. Edward never stopped staring at me for the whole period. Once class was over he ran to the door and left.

I waited a week for the chance to ask why he looked so disgusted at me, but he never showed up to school. Another few days passed before he finally showed up again in biology. He looked a little bit calmer than before.

"I'm sorry about earlier." was the first thing he said.

"It's okay, I'm just the new girl is all."

"Don't sell yourself short, I was new here once too."

I accidentally caught another look at Edward's crotch. "I'm sorry, but I think your crotch is staring at me."

"Oh, my bad, I guess Eddy likes you."

"Eddy?" I questioned.

"Yeah, Little Edward, he's like my alter ego."

That little comment was enough to creep me out a lot, but I tried to ignore it. After biology and all my other classes with the ever-so agitating Eric, I left the school to get into my hairy little car. Tyler was driving into the parking lot on the slippery ice. A thick smoke was coming out of the windows as the van headed straight towards me.

Edward seemed to appear out of nowhere and right in front of me he air-humped the front of the van, creating a large dent and stopping the van. "Eddy really likes you." Edward said as he ran away.

Everybody crowded around me and sent me to the hospital where Dr. Cullen took a look at me. He gave me a physical examination to make sure everything was alright. It was very degrading to be naked in front of Edward's dad, but I lived through it.

I saw Edward the next day at school sitting at the lunch table with the other Cullens. He walked over to me and pulled me aside to another empty table. "I don't think we should be friends."

"Wha—"

"I think we should be more." He held onto my hand, which was icy cold, and he lead me out the door and into the forest nearby. We ran together rather quickly through the dense trees until we came across a nice and tidy clearing with a patch of sun shining through. "You need to see what I truly am." He said as he ripped off his shirt and stepped into the sunlight. His body was bathed in the fluorescent light and he started to… to… sparkle?

"You're sparkling?"

"Are you scared?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

"I know what you are."

"Say it. Say it out load."

"Rapist~." I said stretching it out by whispering the word.

"Really, is it that obvious?" He said in a higher pitched voice, "How'd you know?"

"Well, the body glitter sort of gave it away and all those videos I saw on YouTube."

"Oh, you saw those, huh. I guess you shouldn't be around me then. I'm a born rapist. Everything, my face, scent, and voice draw you in. But it's not like I couldn't just overpower you, you're just a fragile little girl."

"I don't care Edward, I really like you."

"I've raped people before, skinny people, really fat people, even some guys, and Alice a couple of times. I'm sure you don't want to be around me."

"Did you get any STDs?"

"No."

"Then I still really like you Edward, and I don't care what you've done before."

"I really… I really want… I want to… rape you too. Bella you're getting really red."

"You're face is really blue."

His eyes got really focused, "You wanna make purple?"

We both completely forgot about school continuing on as we both 'got closer' together in the forest. His body glitter shimmered in the light the whole time until it started to get dark.

"Bella, I was thinking, maybe you should come to see my family."

"Um, you don't think it's too fast?"

"No, too fast would be going right now. But I think this weekend should be enough time, right?"

"Well, okay I guess. This weekend, Saturday?"

"Of course, I guess I'll see you there." We walked to his car where Edward drove me home, while images of the event that just happened between us flashed through my mind.

The approaching weekend came quickly and I made sure not to be high so my mind could be on high-alert when approaching the Cullens. I smiled with joyous feelings as Edward pulled into the driveway and popped out the driver's side. I rushed down the stairs as if I was experiencing no fear, but I was actually feeling something far worst. I hesitated at the door, but gaveup on my feelings and got in the car after Edward. It was a long drive deep into the forest away from anything else. Edward's family's house was more beautiful than I thought it would have been, knowing about their many different problems.

"I wasn't expecting your house to be so nice looking, no offense." I said as we walked through the front door.

"What were you expecting, dungeons, chains, and bondage? What are we vampires?"

"Haha, vampires, that's ridiculous, sorry."

Dr. Cullen walked in just as we did and greeted us, "Oh, hey, it's Bella the B-Cup."

"Oh, shut up Dad." Alice said defended me, "That girl has really nice breasts."

"Yeah, and so does Bella!" Jasper said excitedly, "Oh, snap!"

Despite all the immature comments I progressed through the Saturday getting along with all of Edward's siblings and his parents. Emmett kept seeing things throughout dinner, Alice kept itching herself down there, and Rosalie didn't eat anything claiming it would ruin her figure from her latest plastic surgery. Overall I had a great time and I felt that I had truly bonded with Edward and even Little Edward.

Six years later I was in my new house in Forks, I had finally moved out and I was still going out with Edward. I went to the bathroom to take a shower and when I turned around, Edward was there.

"Hey where did you come from?"

"I came in through the window."

"Do you do that a lot?"

"What you don't know, I am a rapist remember?"

"Ha, yeah, I guess that's true."

Edward walked towards me and fell to one knee. He held his hand up and I took it into my own. I started to get flushed in the face and I waited him to say something. I was actually starting to get impatient.

Finally he said, "Bella, will you… will you… help me up, please? I'm kinda stuck down here."

I slapped him across the cheek, but I think he liked it…