I have no claims whatsoever to Tite Kubo's Bleach, and this is just for fun. If you see any ideas worth stealing, feel free.

It will be a hundred years this spring since Kurosaki Ichigo woke up to see an oddly dressed girl step through his wall and onto his desk.

It has been an eventful century for Ichigo and his friends.

There was the Winter War, of course.

And being forcibly recruited as a full-time Shinigami by order of Yamamoto, in a Johnsonian spirit of "better inside the tent pissing out, than outside..."

And losing his original body (and wasn't Kon apologetic about that!).

All that was before the US army, using technology developed by one Egon Spengler, launched an ill-advised invasion of the Middle Eastern afterlife in an attempt to open another front in the War on Terror, and Ichigo found out that:

1. Soul Society was really a pretty insular place.

2. For the dead, the nature of reality was…fluid, to say the least. Not just the present, but the past(s?).

3. The Four Sultans of the Djinn made Arrancar look like pussies.

4. Nobody had bothered to tell him roughly 90% of what was important. But that was normal.

And then there was the Return of Aizen.

And dealing with two or three other sets of super-powered weirdoes nobody in Soul Society had seen fit to mention to him earlier, and why they hadn't destroyed the Society before he and his friends showed up, he has no idea.

He's seen more changes in the last hundred years than took place in the last two thousand years of Soul Society. Regular communication between the Afterlife and the regular world, and between Soul Society and the afterlives of other cultures. The democratization of Soul Society, and the emergence of Soul Society's first political consultants, professional lobbyists, and machine politicians. The first Soul Society McDonalds. Hollow lobbying groups, joint afterlife-real world research ventures, the world's first robot ghosts, and tourists.

And then there was the _second_ Return of Aizen, only it was actually the first, because the _previous_ Return of Aizen was a clone, or a robot, or something. (Ichigo still can't quite figure it out).

He's been an ambassador to the Chinese afterlife, met gods and devils that were ancient when Soul Society consisted of a bunch of deceased hunter-gatherers and their Very Big Dogs fighting off proto-Hollows with pointed sticks, [1] been trapped inside of a bottle by a Terrible Old Man in New England, spoken briefly to an entity which might (or might not) have been the creator of the world, been shot at US marines armed with proton packs, been to the moon (Shinigami don't need spacesuits) and been pranked by Coyote while visiting the US Southwest.

There was that annoying interlude where an experiment of Mayuri's gone wrong temporarily blended several Shinigami with their Zanpakutous, with varying levels of subsequent embarrassment. (Orihime afterwards insisted he'd look good in a beard, Rukia was sighted in a store trying on high-heeled shoes, Matsumoto and Hitsugaya were rather brutal in suppressing any discussion of why so much blushing afterwards, Kyoraku after his subsequent two-week drinking binge always claimed he had no memory of the period whatsoever, and in spite of all of Mayuri's efforts to wipe it out, the pirated video of him fluttering around the lab on little butterfly wings continues to pop up).

He's found out _why_ everything in Hollow-Land is in Spanish, and the explanation is even more of a headache-inducer than Aizen's First Return. He's also taken part in Soul Society's first Constitutional Convention, an experience actually rather less stressful than being Best Man at Zaraki's wedding. (And was that an unexpected pairing).

And then there was the Return of Don Kanonji, which was mostly just annoying.

Not to mention the whole rescue-mission-to-Hell thing. Ichigo feels it makes perfect sense that it's the only afterlife he's seen so far that's actually run by sensible, competent people. Or the second rescue-Orihime mission, which went seriously off the rails when Orihime's real father showed up right in the middle of the Big Bad's first Ima Badass speech, and ate him. (Ichigo is very glad Orihime takes after her mother).

And all of that is beginning to look like pretty small potatoes compared to the shit-storm he sees on the horizon.

The wellspring of the problem is, that after a century of on-again-and-off-again romance, quarrels, separations, and various disastrous Close Encounters of the Dating Kind, Ichigo and Rukia's relationship seems to have finally solidified, (Orihime becoming a, for a lack of a better word, God, and heading off on a Quest to Find Herself along with Vice-Captain Tatsuki simplified things a little [2]), and consequently a lot of people are acting as if Michael had been spotted polishing his trumpet.

The very sniffy Kuchikis aren't so much the problem, horrific as the notion of Byakuya as a brother-in-law is. Byakuya has informed Ichigo he'll actually wait until after Ichigo (inevitably) does something to dishonor Rukia before he kills him, rather than going the preemptive route. This, Rukia claims, indicates Sakura-boy is finally warming up to him.

No, part of the problem is that with Ichigo now being seen as the most powerful Shinigami in Soul Society (although people expect Yachiru to challenge him for that title one of these centuries, once she gets her full growth [3]), combined with the news that the Kuchiki clan has granted him the exalted rank of "barely tolerable" has raised his social rank to the point where several powerful and-less-sniffy-than-the-Kuchikis clans have decided he'd make a valuable addition to the family. And they're not people who take "no" for an answer very easily.

Even worse, it's hard to permanently discourage (for those with minimally developed survival instincts) a busty, green-haired, now permanently adult former Espada, a princess of the Djinn who seems unable to understand how anyone could refuse the honor of her hand in marriage, and the human (Ichigo is almost convinced) mad scientist girl who most frequently goes by the name of "Ed" and not only does not know the meaning of the word "no", but in fact appears to use several languages of her own which at times only weakly overlap with any used by humans or Shinigami.

As if humans (Ichigo is 95% sure), Shinigami, Arrancar, and Djinn weren't trouble enough, there's the female Vasto Lorde who (with her little "family" of dreadfully powerful "Free Hollows") helped save Soul Society's bacon during the second Return of Aizen. After seeing Hollow-Powered Ichigo fighting at full steam, she developed a seemingly indestructible crush, much to his horror. (After a century of working with very odd "people", Ichigo considers himself a tolerant sort, but psycho violent chicks with claws, fangs, and masses of spiky bone where their eyes should be are still a wee bit beyond his comfort zone. (Ok, there was that time, but he was very drunk at the time, and second base wasn't passed)).

Not that Rukia doesn't have admirers of her own. Ichigo is sure that Grimmjow is just engaging in the usual macho competitive crap, but Renji seems to be seriously thinking of sticking his oar into the proceedings; the Fox-prince with the fetish for the color orange is as persistent as he is annoying; and that TV show about their adventures was just as bad an idea as Byakuya thought it would be – for one thing, without it the American trillionaire fanboy probably would have found someone else to obsess over.

And, of course, the entire Shinigami Women's Association (including, Gods help us, Yachiru) decided to get involved in the planning of the (entirely-theoretical-maybe-we'll-wait-another-century-Godammit) Blessed Union.

Finally, there's the rumor that Squad Eleven has been planning a bachelor party. Insurance rates have soared throughout the district.

The Wedding of Kurosaki Ichigo and Kuchiki Rukia. In spite of the fact no date has been established, Yachiru has already sent out invitations. In crayon.

Ichigo just knows he's utterly and inescapably doomed.

[1] Not that that past can really be said to have happened anymore. (It's complicated)

[2] As enthusiastic as Orihime was about the idea, the whole threesome thing didn't work out at all well.

[3] After a century of very slow Shinigami maturation, Yachiru's finally teetering on the edge of adolescence, leading most of the male population of Soul Society to pray desperately she turns out to be a lesbian.