This is the last chapter of Mello's journal. It's a bit out there, but I had an idea and went with it. Feedback is loved. I hope you get some enjoyment out of my twisted mind. The song Mello quotes is "Again, Again, and Again" by Blaqk Audio.

Two Years Later

I don't know what year it is. All I know is that I did something horrible. I'll never forgive myself and yet, I feel free. I'm finally free.

Matt and I had some good times at Wammy's after my last entry. Unfortunately, he said to me, "I love you, but I'm not in love with you." I never thought I would hear that infamous line. It was out of the blue and caused a searing pain that made me actually scream. "Our relationship was a compromise. I didn't want to lose you and I know you wanted me," he continued. I think I started crying at that point. Most of it is a blur. I guess I blocked out the pain. Anyway, I ran away that night. The note I left on Matt's bed read:

"What'll it take for you to surrender?
I gave you a taste. Oh how you've grown.
This great trial, this self denial
It's a trial to leave you clean cause I like it dark and low,
You know."

The words weren't even mine. They came from a song that never left my thoughts. I thought maybe it would give him a hint as to where I was going, but he never figured it out. Or maybe he never cared enough to try. I thought maybe he would pick up on the "leave you clean because I like it dark and low." I was headed to join the mafia. Gun in hand and only a death wish to call my own, I figured it was suicide. Instead, they took me in. Figure that. I shot the mafia boss and all those losers looked to me. I was just a kid. I'm still just a kid.

I was powerful for a while. But, Roger contacted me from Wammy's. I have no idea how he found me. He said Near and I were on the Kira case because L had died. I, of course, never truly gave up my dream to become a detective. I had my boys keeping tabs on the case, naturally. With this shocking news, I immediately went in search of Near. Matt was always on my mind, but I wasn't about to go running back to him, no way.

"Mello," Near said, monotone, as I barged into his makeshift office. Bodyguards surrounded me in a second, but Near waved them off. The boy was an idiot. It was good to see nothing had changed.

"So, Near, old friend, how's life been treating you?" I asked as I walked around his office inspecting the toys that littered it. "You haven't kept in touch with my old buddy, Matt, have you?"

"I am not your friend. And Mello knows Near doesn't like Matt very much," he answered, fiddling with his blocks.

"Put those down you damn idiot! Look at me! What do you know about Matt? Where is he?" I screamed, unable to keep it in any longer.

"Matt left Wammy's a month after Mello did. He wanted to look for the Mafia. Near hasn't seen him since."

I processed the information for a second. Matt had looked for me? So he did care, just a little bit? I felt my heart pick up at the thought.

"Now will Mello get out of my office? I have work to do on the Kira case."

"You brat! So do I. Show some respect for the mafia boss, would you?" as I talked, just like old times, a thought occurred to me. I could easily overpower him. He had already asked the bodyguards to step out. If I could be sly enough…

I stepped closer to Near and put my hands on his shoulders. I massaged them lightly, giving him a false sense of security, though I doubt he was fooled for a second. Before he could react, I maneuvered us so I was straddling him and his back was against the carpet. "How does it feel to lose control, Near?" I asked, fire in my eyes.

At Wammy's, I had feelings for the kid. Strictly sexual, of course. Why not overpower him right this moment? Why not get my mind of my Matt for a minute? Near's terror fueled my want and I pulled down those stupid pajama pants he was always wearing. "Now you'll see how it feels to be fucked," I said, meaning it literally and figuratively.

My own leather pants were pulled down and I shoved myself into him, letting an animalistic nature take over me. I wanted release. I hadn't had a good fuck since… since Matt. I plunged into him, savoring the cries echoing off the walls. I think they were a mixture of his and mine. He was hard, and that made me feel like a king. The little genius was hard for me. I thrust hard and fast, not caring about anything but release. My whole life I had been searching for release.

He screamed when he came and I sighed when I did. I pulled out of him, watching the blood drip from his opening. I felt no remorse. He had been making my life miserable for years. If Matt wasn't enough to drive me insane, Near was. "How does It feel to be second best for once?" I said, motioning to our private areas- I was much bigger. He only moaned in pain. That was the one time I had seen Near cry.

I didn't see Near much after that. Actually, I don't think I've seen him at all. We talked, when we had to. Usually, he tried to talk me out of insane plans. After I found Matt, every plan was insane. I could do anything when I was with him.

The bar was dimly lit and I was grateful. My goal tonight was to forget who I am. The room had started spinning when I caught sight of auburn hair. At first, I assumed it was just a trick of light or an illusion even. I dreamed about him all the time, this was only the next step to insanity. "MATT?" I called anyway, much too loudly. The owner of the auburn hair turned around. Sure enough, I was staring at his face. He looked so much older, yet exactly the same. The goggles that tinted his world orange were still attached to his face and that striped shirt that frequented my dreams was still there. "Mello," he said, just like in my dreams.

I shakily pushed myself off my stool and walked over to where he stood. "Do you have any idea how hard it's been to steal my own damn chocolate?" I asked. I was hoping he would remember that was my favorite phrase to say when he disappeared for a day or two. He smiled in recognition and replied, "I've been busy."

"I heard you were looking for me. Why did you stop, you bastard?" I asked, honestly curious.

"Who said I did? I'm standing in front of you now, aren't I?" he asked.

I grabbed onto his hand and refused to let it go. He would be mine until the day he died. I knew then that was what was meant to be.

Matt and I were never the same. The way I remembered him wasn't the way he was. I still loved the jerk, but he still didn't love me. Honestly, I was done with that crap. I had left in a rage hoping the next time we met he would be in love with me. Instead, we were back to square one. I was mad and made a rash decision. I planned something so awful that I couldn't even forgive myself.

"Mattie, today's the day we put this in action," I told him as we parted ways, him in the car and me on the motorcycle, "I'll grab Takada and you'll keep the police on your tail."

I started to rev the engine, but Matt yelled my name. "If either of us gets killed… I love you, Mello."

I was shocked, but as soon as my composure was regained I replied, "No you don't, but thanks for saying it."**

With that, we rode off to meet our fate. After I grabbed Takada, I rode full speed to the van I had planned to trap her in. As I went through the motions of confiscating her clothes and generally scaring her to death, I was all too aware of what must be happening to Matt.

I was driving the van when I saw the news on my small screen on the dashboard. They showed Matt laying dead in the street. I pounded my fist against the steering wheel in frustration. Did I really just kill my best friend because he couldn't love me. "Matt, I never thought you'd be killed. Forgive me." I had poisoned him that morning, figuring he could go in peace while driving, crash the car, and make it look like an accident. Instead, that creep got out of the car and tried to reason with the cops. One second before his pill kicked in, it seemed.

I'm sitting in this stupid van still, but I know what's coming next. Takada has a piece of the death note on her, I'm sure of it. That's the main reason she would ask to keep her undergarments. She can kill me, no, she will kill me any second. I'm praying for death. I can't to live with this pain. Knowing I sent Matt to his death, knowing I had wanted to kill him…"Matt, please, forgive me."

** That's a direct quote from Buffy (Season 7, last episode). I've always loved it and couldn't resist.