A/N: It was Zaki's birthday on the 6th, and I forgot to give him presents. *sniff* I'm so sorry! Forgive me! I'll make it up to you, I swear! I'll write a whole bunch of fics just for you! *cuddles Jimi cuddle cuddle molest*
This probably won't make sense unless you've read ch. 293. Anpanman!
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The Way to a Man's Heart is Through His Heart, Not His Stomach
The Shinsengumi sausage is long and slim. It's elegant, unlike those bulky summer sausages. It comes conveniently packaged in single servings, with each individual sausage pre-wrapped in a sturdy yet easy to open plastic wrapper that simultaneously protects the tasty meat snack while keeping it fresh and moist. This ingenious packaging also makes the sausage easy to eat on the go, unlike those complicated Chinese sausages that must be fried up and served with rice, or those inferior hot dogs that come in ungainly packs of ten that never match up with the buns sold in packs of eight.
The Shinsengumi sausage is, in short, the best damn sausage you will ever eat, and it's the official snack of the Shinsengumi - buy one now to support your local police force!
All of these facts Yamazaki had learned early one morning as they sat stock still in their positions, listening to the commander extol the virtues of their new commercial endorsement funding project while the vice-commander railed on and on about the new rules they had to obey or commit seppuku regarding these...sausages.
Everything was under threat of seppuku with Hijikata. Yamazaki himself had been ordered to commit seppuku on thirty-two separate occasions, though he had obviously never done so. Eventually, when dealing with Yamazaki, the vice-commander's threats had turned to variations of "do this or I'll gut you/break your badminton racket/break your wrists so you never play badminton again". Those worked much better, but really, what worked best was when Hijikata would smile his little out-of-character smile and say, "Good job, Yamazaki." That was the best incentive a spy could get.
Ah~ Fukuchou's smile~
It was a dream come true for Yamazaki to have his beloved vice-commander worry about him after his last stakeout. It was just too bad that the dream had to come after the waking nightmare that was watching the girl anpan and anpan every day, and anpan and anpan every night, and to see her sweet anpan and have her anpan some anpan for him, only to find anpan that she was a no good anpan who anpan freakin' planned to anpan with the anpan together with her anpan and thought she could anpan with it! GAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!! --NPAN!!!
Luckily that was over, but now he had been assigned to another mission, and it involved another stakeout. It was the first assignment of its kind in months. He had only ever failed one stakeout, the previous one, and that was because he had disobeyed the God of Stakeouts by eating foods other than anpan and milk. The God of Stakeouts was a cruel being, much like the ancient mythical creatures worshiped by the Aztecs who demanded bloody human hearts be strewn before their temples. The only difference was that the God of Stakeouts demanded that his devoted followers sacrifice their own health and sanity for successful espionage. Hijikata, however, thought that Yamazaki should "stop being stubborn and get some vitamins before you pass out and fail this one, too!"
"I want to do things my own way," he said. He wasn't a child anymore. He was past the teenage rebel stage now, honest! Surely the vice-commander could see that? Surely the vice-commander would understand his need to obey the God of Stakeouts after the disaster that had befallen him during his previous rebellion against the God's almighty decree? "If I eat anything else, I'll fail. Anpan is the only way I can keep on my toes."
"You idiot! Too much anpan is what's causing you to lose your focus. You're probably diabetic by now, and your brain has turned into red matter with all the sweet bean paste you've been ingesting. Don't come crying to me when you turn out like that shiftless Yorozuya bastard."
Yamazaki bit back the urge to say that the vice-commander's brain must have turned into yellow matter long ago from all the mayonnaise he's been ingesting. At the rate that he goes through the squishy condiment, it's a wonder Hijikata's blood hasn't been replaced with liquid cholesterol, or that his liver and kidneys haven't turned into mayo reservoirs by now. Or maybe they had... In either case, that was not something he would bring up unless he wanted to receive another beating.
Instead, he asked, "Is that an order?"
"No."
"Then I'll be okay, I think. This mission won't last quite as long. The terrorists are on a tight schedule, and we know that they're supposed to be getting a delivery either this week or the next."
Hijikata narrowed his eyes, huffed and said, "Suit yourself," then sauntered out of the tiny room.
Ah~ Fukuchou's ass~
It was only when he snapped out of the fantasy, ready to turn back to his little slice of window, that he noticed Hijikata had left a bag of groceries next to his stock of anpan and milk, which brings us to our current situation. The vice-commander had left a bag of Shinsengumi sausages.
"He... He cares! He really cares!" Never mind the fact that the sausages were overflowing from the storehouses at headquarters and were free for all members of the Shinsengumi, this meant that Hijikata-san, who was extremely popular among the yaoi fangirls, cared enough to remember the Jimi character who never got any action in fanfics! Yamazaki almost felt himself tearing up. In fact, he even sniffled a little. Then he set the sausages aside and continued watching the targets, anpan to his right, milk to his left.
The day passed by uneventfully, and then Hijikata paid another visit. Looking up with his mouth full of anpan, Yamazaki saw the door open unexpectedly. Of course the vice-commander was dressed in casual street clothes rather than his uniform, but Yamazaki was still surprised, and a little concerned.
"Ah! Hijikata-san, is something wrong?" he asked around the food.
Smack!
Cough!
"Don't talk with your mouth full! It's disgusting seeing all that anpan sloshing around in there!"
Yamazaki thought it was far more disgusting to see all that anpan gracing the floor of his temporary lodgings. He also thought it was far more disgusting to see mayonnaise snakes crawling their way into Hijikata's mouth all the time, but he didn't say anything about that.
Instead, he wiped his mouth with his sleeve, then fished around for a tissue to clean up the mess on the floor. When he finished getting rid of the mashed wad of chewed up food, he looked up to see Hijikata frowning as he stared at the untouched bag of sausages in the corner. But just as he was about to ask, Hijikata got right down to business.
"Fill me in on their movements. Don't leave anything out."
He did. Hijikata nodded and left. (Ah~ Fukuchou's ass~)
...And was back the next day at lunchtime. This time, he had a bowl of ramen.
"Eh... Hijikata-san? Not that I don't appreciate your concern, but don't you think it'll be bad if you come here every day? If they keep seeing you, it might tip them off that they're being watched."
"Uh huh, and if I don't check up on you, you'll just go insane with only anpan for company. Is that how you want it to be?" He uncovered the piping hot bowl of ramen, the delicious scent of broth and noodles wafting over to Yamazaki. "Consider yourself on probation after what happened last time." He pulled out a bottle of mayo from somewhere within the yukata. "I'm here to keep an eye on you and make sure you do your job right." The bottle was tipped upside down and squeeeeezed. "And besides, you're pretending to be a new tenant in this apartment." Squeeeeezed. "I'll pretend to be an acquaintance of yours." Squeeeeeezed, squoooo-squeeeezed. "Maybe you're an eccentric mangaka who hides in his room eating anpan all day." Puh-puh-puh squffffff puh-puh. It sounded like the bottle was almost out. "And I'm your editor or manager who meets with you to discuss your progress at lunch."
Puh-splorf.
Hijikata looked down on his mayonnaise ramen and smiled before digging in. All that was left of Yamazaki's appetite immediately left him as he stared forlornly at the jiggly mass. Calories? OVER 9000, he thought as he idly picked at his anpan. Sadly, not even geeky pop culture references could describe the shock value of the scene.
Sadly, Hijikata never seemed to notice that no one else shared his insane love of the tangy condiment. He never seemed to realized that no one else considered it normal to have condiments as a main dish three meals a day, seven days a week. Above all, he never seemed to pick up on the fact that Yamazaki was madly in love with him.
Wait. No.
Do over!
Above all, he never seemed to pick up on the fact that Yamazaki did not appreciate the force-feeding of mayonnaise that Hijikata sometimes subjected him to when he was drunk or otherwise overcome with mayonnaise-induced glee. Even when he woke up with a hangover the next day, Hijikata never thought there was something wrong with the image of his poor subordinate passed out on the ground next to him with foaming mayonnaise pouring out of his mouth.
But now was not the time to bring up past complaints. Now was not the time to get jealous of a stupid substance made primarily of eggs and vinegar that was stealing all of the vice-commander's attention even when it was Yamazaki who the vice-commander was supposed to be worried about. Right now, Hijikata was looking over at him slyly. His eyes would flick over once in a while as he was devouring his mayonnaise meal, as if to say, "Hey, isn't this delicious? Mmm... Don't you want some, Zaki?"
Yamazaki frowned. Oh, how he frowned.
He frowned even more the next day, when Hijikata came back with fried rice.
The next day was soba.
The next day was katsudon.
The next day was sushi.
The next day was curry rice.
The next day was yakitori.
The next day was udon.
The next day was unagi don.
The next day was tempura.
The next day was somen.
The next day was "Gyaaaa!! I can't take this anymore! When are those bastards going to move?! The two weeks are up!"
They were calling him Anpanman again at the convenience store on the corner of the street, but he could handle that. Really, he could. The problem was Hijikata. Every day, the vice-commander would nonchalantly intrude during lunch break, and he would always have something that smelled delicious, and he would always tease Yamazaki with it, only to smother it with a Mount Kilimanjaro of that horrendous mayonnaise. Then he would make obscene sounds of enjoyment while wolfing down his meal that looked like a giant pile of lucky golden poo.
Golden poo was a very popular charm these days. Yamazaki saw girls walking down the street with golden poo cell phone straps and golden poo charm bracelets. He knew Hijikata had one, too, but only because it looked like mayonnaise to him.
The mayonnaise... Just thinking about it was making him sick. He really should have been excited that Hijikata was giving him what could be interpreted as a come-hither look, but he knew that if he fell for it, Hijikata would take that opportunity to pat him on the head, give him the mayo bottle, and say, "There, there. See, Yamazaki? You can't just eat anpan. Go ahead and have some mayo." Oh, how he wanted that sandwich of kindness! But hold the mayo, please!
This was sheer torture, and even the moments of "Ah~ Hijikata's ass~" weren't enough to pull him through anymore. Why did the world have to be so cruel? Yamazaki had taken to staring at the bag in the corner, filled with tempting Shinsengumi sausages. Sometimes he would creep up to them and take one out. He would shakily caress its smooth outer casing.
Yesssss~ My preciousssss~
And then he would quickly stuff the sausage back into the bag and go back to huddling on his seat next to the window. It was while the spy was in this position that Hijikata walked in, this time without any bags of take-out in his hands. Taking in the scene, Hijikata marched over to the bag in the corner and yanked out a couple of sausages.
"Oh, for the love of--! Yamazaki, I'm making it an order this time! You are going to eat those damn sausages I got for you!"
"The God of Stakeouts--"
"Fuck the God of Stakeouts! Haven't you noticed that I've been trying to get you to eat the damn food I've been bringing here?!"
By eating it yourself? By coating it with five layers of mayonnaise? And after that first day of the previous failed stakeout where you brought ramen and gave me that speech about getting a variety of foods in my diet, making me think that you were thinking of me and that you were going to give me the ramen, only to coat it with five layers of mayonnaise and eat it yourself? After that? Huh?!
Hijikata was apparently unaware of the seething resentment he had caused in Yamazaki, who was staring blankly at him. He ranted on as he viciously tore open one of the sausages. "Well I guess using force is the only way to get this through your thick skull!"
And what about your thick skull? What about getting it through to you that no one wants your mayo? None of your ex-girlfriends wanted your mayo. The other members of the Shinsengumi don't want your mayo. Stray cats don't want your mayo. Small children want candy, but not your mayo. Strangers with Mayo would never, ever in a million years make a decent film or TV series.
Before he could protest, Hijikata came flying at him with two unwrapped sausages in hand.
"Hyaaaa!!!"
A sausage-fist came flying at his face, and in less than a second, Yamazaki felt his body being knocked off the ground. He landed on his back, dazed, confused, and unable to move very much because owwwww, that hurt!
He swallowed and prepared to pick himself up, but... That was strange. His saliva tasted like a chunk of meat.
...There were two Shinsengumi sausages in his mouth. They stuck out like walrus tusks, and he had just
EATEN SOME OH MY GOD NOOOOOOOO
"No!" Yamazaki shot up in horror, spitting out his sausage-tusks. This wasn't just about anpan or the God of Stakeouts! This was about living by his own rules! This was about his personal code of honor! This was about duty, discipline, self-control, and proving that he was a man worthy of his post as Shinsengumi inspector!
"Oh, shut up! You're not getting poisoned again, not on my watch!"
Hijikata snorted at him in disdain, then picked up another sausage and unwrapped it. The perky pink flesh twitched in his grasp. Of course Hijikata wasn't going to just eat it plain! The mayo bottle came out again, and a thick spurt poured down the length of the sausage, and then came the vice-commander's tongue...licking...licking...
Licking the creamy sauce off the Shinsengumi sausage... He was blushing, too. Hijikata was showing that indecent face he always had when he was especially enjoying his mayo, and he had that sultry smile as he...licked...sausage...
Thud!
"Eh...? Yamazaki?"
Hijikata bit into his mayonnaise-covered sausage and looked over as he chewed. Yamazaki, who had just been sitting up, was now lying back down on the floor in the position he had been in right after Hijikata had sausage-punched him in the face.
"Oi! Zaki, get up!"
This was strange. Hijikata hadn't even given him a beating, so there was no reason for the spy to be passed out. Curious, he walked over to have a better look. Yamazaki's eyes were open, glazed over and unseeing. His mouth was also gaping unattractively, with a little curl of drool seeping out. But then he saw it.
A trail of blood was streaming out of the unconscious man's nose. Hijikata looked at the blood, then to the half-eaten sausage in his hand. The blood. The sausage.
"What the hell?! Just-- The hell?! Yamazaki, you pervert!"
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When Yamazaki's eyes snapped open, he saw white walls.
"The mission!" He tried to shove himself up, but a sharp pain exploded across his face. Then a warm hand firmly but carefully pushed his shoulders back down onto the hospital bed.
"It's fine. Someone screwed up and gave us a bad tip. The guys you were watching were the wrong targets."
"Then...?"
"Yeah, the mission is canceled."
"Hijikata-san, what's wrong with me? Why do I hurt so much?"
"You're being treated for malnutrition," Hijikata replied. Yamazaki just stared at him with the disbelieving expression he'd gotten very good at giving lately, until he felt compelled to explain. "Fine. You also have a broken nose."
"...How did I break my nose?"
"You didn't. I broke it for you to give you a reason to have a nosebleed, damn pervert."
Oh. Oh, that was right. Hijikata's indecent sausage eating and... He felt a tiny trickle of blood trying to escape his ruined nose.
Hijikata's sharp eyes narrowed as they flicked down to the little spot of blood. "I ought to have you commit seppuku for sexual harassment of a commanding officer."
"Ahaha... Please don't..."
Hijikata pushed himself up from the bedside chair. "Yeah, well, next time make sure it's not while we're on duty, all right?"
Did that--? Did that mean what he thought it meant?!
Yamazaki's eyes widened until he thought they would pop out of his skull. Hijikata just smirked, and with that, he was sauntering out the door with his hands in his pockets.
Ah~ Fukuchou's ass~