So…No one ask how the title came to my head. It just clicked with my brain. I have a great ending for this all ready and planned out, but I'll just work with the beginning for now :3

If anyone reads Maximum Ride (which I would highly recommend) and you've been to the portion of this site devoted to it, you may have come across a story called Diary of a Lovesick Mutant (which, by the way is insanely hilarious). I know that this is going to be a lot like it, but I wanted to give this a try. I also searched "diary" for this site here, and, like, 10000 results came up. I ain't the only diary person here!

So, without further ado, here is the debut chapter of To Seduce a Skeleton!

:D

Entry #1: Written May 26

Dear…Diary,

Ugh. Why would anyone get me a diary? I've always hated writing. Even when we were able to write about whatever the hell we wanted to in Language Arts (I wrote a story about an egotistical skeleton being kidnapped, then a brave young girl coming to his rescue once) I still hated writing.

It cramps your hand and then you get ink all over your fingers, then on your face, and it's just some giant mess.

I hate diaries. They're obnoxious. They're meant for thirteen year old girls who have nothing better to do than cry their heart out because Jimmy asked out Debbie instead of them! I, just FYI, am not a thirteen year old girl. I am twenty-five year old Valkyrie Cain, who will NOT be reduced to writing in a diary about my feelings and life!

Oh, God. This is going to turn into a thirteen year old girl's diary!

Although, as Tanith graciously pointed out, this may come in handy. I do admit, there are some things I'd rather get out on paper than just keep them bottled up in my chest until I just explode. Not literally. Not like Baron-Vengeous-glare-raining-skin explode.

That's disgusting.

Anyway, the reason I have received this diary is for a few reasons.

A) I am a woman. Apparently that causes need for a diary.

B) I am violent. Well I blame it on everyone else. They taught me to beat people up.

C) I have a slight dilemma revolving love and skeletons.

I have openly admitted this to two people. I told Tanith when it was just the two of us hanging out, and Kenspeckle tricked it out of me once. I was in pain and he wouldn't give me any meds.

Crafty bastard.

I'm sure this will be a shocker to you Diary (you are an inanimate object, therefore, I must ask myself why I am addressing you like this…) but I, Valkyrie Cain, am rather hopelessly in love with Skulduggery Pleasant.

I know. Just, like, wow! Who knew? You're just tickled pink, ain't you? The only serious problem I have with this is the whole getting him to love me back thing.

I hate how I feel so trapped and confused all the time. Now, I have known Skulduggery for a little over half of my life. We've had our ups and downs. I like to think there's more ups, but with the Solomon Wreath taking and teaching me necromancy put us at a rocky point for a while. I think we've been able to patch things up after a while, especially after I saved his bony butt from being torn apart by vampires. He still finds it odd I float about with my shadows, while he just plays with the air.

We're still the same ass-whooping partners in crime as we were before, but it still seems a little different. Skulduggery…just seems so distant. I don't believe anyone has told him my, ahem, little secret. If they did, may God rest their soul. If anyone said a word about my undying love for the man I've known since I was twelve, they would be burned at the stake.

I think about my creepy love and realize the consequences that could come if a relationship started between the two of us. What if we broke up, and it was awkward for the rest of our lives (which will probably span for far longer than imaginable)? What if he found out, and didn't love me back? What if one of us dies, and we don't get to reveal our true feelings for each other?

Okay, that last one is really only bad for me, but who knows what goes on in Skulduggery Pleasant's head? I sure as hell don't. I've been with the man for thirteen years and I still can't read him. Damn that skeletal face of his!

In other news, we're all incredibly bored. There have been no new cases for us to tackle and solve with out sharp wit. The last case was about some evil guy who was out for, like, werewolves or something. I barely paid attention. We caught the guy, and that's that. But…mentioning this, I remember seeing on the news about mysterious flying things in the sky. People didn't think they were birds, since they looked too big. Unless they were huge mutant albatrosses, they weren't birds.

Anways, blah, blah, blah. My life sucks, emo, emo, emo. I'm not exactly sure what to do with my predicament. Shall I just come straight out and say it. I can seriously picture it now:

"Skulduggery," I say softly, angelically, "I have something to say."

"Yes, Valkyrie?" he says in return.

"I think I love you," I whispered into his…ear.

There's a pause.

"Ah," he mutters in his well-I-figured-something-out-but-you-pointed-something-else-out-making-my-explanation-totally-useless voice. "Well." Another pause. "I guess that's always a good thing to know, then."

I believe you get the idea, Diary.

See, the problem is that he is hard to read. It worked when I was just little baby Valkyrie Cain, and I had to be "shielded" from the world of magic, apparently, but now I'm older I can understand the terrible danger we're in half the time. Skulduggery doesn't seem to get that I'm old now. It wouldn't crush him to just tell me what he's thinking, would it? And none of that "lots of clever little things" crap. I hate when he does that.

Which makes me think, are there just a few things that I truly love about him, and a lot of things I really hate? But the things I love are so big and prominent that I can't see past them to see the bad things? Does this make sense? Seriously, are we secretly incredibly different, and not some match made in heaven/hell?

This also makes me think. A skeleton? A four-hundred year old skeleton? A four-hundred year old skeleton and a twenty-five year old girl/woman? Together? Would it be awkward between us? The more I think about this, the more I'm horrified about the thought of us together.

…But I still can't help it. I really love the guy.

~Valkyrie

You like? You hate? You neutral? I've gotten a lot of plot figured out for this now, so now I'm getting excited :D I apologize for mistakes and thanks for reading!