Regrets, Ch.3

By R. Patil

She felt warm. She could stay under the covers all day. The warmth radiated out from him, onto and through her back. At this moment, he was the source of everything warm and tan and calm.

She felt quiet. Nothing needed to be done. Just the gentle sensation of lying in bed with him.

She felt the hair tickle her nose with each breath, how it was pressing into her cheek, leaving those marks that tell the world you fell asleep. She felt her lower back beg to be moved, and the weight of his leg over hers needed to be shifted.

Grrr! This was nothing like waking up in those books Rangiku lent her. They get the delicious/peaceful feelings right, but they never mention how uncomfortable lying in someone's arms for a while really is. Then again, in those stories the studmuffin seduces the heroine. And Nanao thought he would seduce her. Someday. Some far-off, distant, not-last-night day. She deserved some seducing, dammit!

Her mind woke up without asking her permission, and working thoughts pushed out the wonderful quiet she'd been savoring. Looking back at it, she promised herself to try to feel that more often. Then she let her brain take over.

Was this a bad idea? Shinigami almost universally died violently, so even successful relationships ended in heartache.

She could sneak out, pretend this never happened. She would greet him when he slumped into the office this afternoon, be indignant about having to help him out of a particularly bad hangover, hit him with whatever was within reach, and try to get him to do some mundane task. Ugh. The thought of lying to his face like that, of going through the motions, was exhausting. And then later the death of Lillynette would come up, and it seemed too difficult to be honest and open about one thing while lying about another. No. Ise Nanao dealt with things directly. It was just easier in the long run.

Lillynette. Nanao felt the debate: She was a monster, she was a child. She was the enemy, but what if she had a choice…? Was this what Shunsui dealt with? So many "what ifs" over so many centuries?

The last thirty-six hours had revealed how divided Nanao's ideas of the man were. What she had known logically and known emotionally were proven to be two very different things. She knew nobody could rise to captaincy without proving themselves capable warriors, and that meant doing whatever needed to be done. But with how sensitive, and silly, and lazy he'd always appeared, she never imagined he could be ruthless. In retrospect, she hadn't taken the revelation well. Her emotions had steamrolled over her logic. Since she was small, he'd been the paragon of gentle strength, of goofy protectiveness. What she'd seen him do, before she knew all the facts, was so completely against her idea of this man that she'd had to retreat from him. Then, learning the truth of the situation, she was hit by the realization that he was compassionate, and was likely suffering from what he'd had to do. And yes, when she'd found him again he was suffering. She wasn't sure if he'd drunk so much to try to numb the pain or to punish himself.

She was six the first time she saw him sad. He'd returned from some early-morning captain's meeting, walking through the front gate as the dawn details were preparing breakfast and setting up the drill equipment. The look was so alien on him; he had always had the corners of his eyes in a slight crinkle, as if he were about to bring a smile to the surface. She was low to the ground, and could always see his eyes, even when everyone else couldn't see them under the brim of his hat. He'd taken her aside then, and told her Yadomaru-fukutaicho wouldn't be returning. Nanao couldn't believe it at the time—she'd wanted to cry, to shout it wasn't true. But before she could say anything, she noticed his eyes. They were sad, and tired, and scared that the little girl in his squad would be hurt by the news. So for his sake she pulled herself together by sheer force of will. He told her as she rubbed furiously at her eyes that it was alright to cry, but his only response was a child looking up at him determinedly, promising he could count on her to do whatever was needed. He smiled fleetingly at that, and said, "How grateful I am, to have my Nanao-chan here to keep things together."

And that's what she'd done ever since: Kept herself together. Kept the squad together. Kept him together.

Just like last night.

His leg shifted, finally letting the blood flow back into her foot. She idly regretted not having been swept off her feet by some grand, ultimate romantic gesture; some demonstration of tender, masculine, earnest devotion that would remind her to put away the fukutaicho in her for the sake of the woman she was. Instead, she had to become the woman in order to save him from his despair.

She'd hoped he'd give her romance. Instead, she'd given him absolution.

She turned towards him, saw his face in the breaking daylight.

…yes. She could stand to see this every day from now on.

She gently got out of bed and started compiling a "to-do" list.

***

The sun informed Shunsui he was awake, followed momentarily by the pain reminding him he was alive. It was a headache over his entire body, a migrane that started at this hair and went straight to his toes. Just lying still hurt, so he tried to get up. Bad idea. But the sun was passing through his eyelids, and the piercing in his skull was almost audible. So, by degrees, he got out of bad.

Upon standing, he noticed the smell; a sourness that seemed to fill the room and… his mouth? He decided getting washed was a good way to get re-acclimated to consciousness.

Something about the bathroom gave him a sense of déjà vu, but he brushed it off. As he got dressed, he kept looking about his room with the growing sense that there was something he had to remember. The window particularly… neh, that was just a fantasy he'd had about Nanao again that was made unusually vivid by his extreme binge. He deduced Nanao had to have helped him the previous night since the room was so tidy. But that other part… nope, couldn't have happened.

In the next room, he found two racks set; one with a new Eighth-squad captains' haori, the other with a new kimono. The latter was somewhere between light blue and grey, with a design of small sakura pedals floating in the wind. A tree with a few spring blossoms on it rose from the bottom-left side. Also on the second rack was a note:

I appreciate the new kimono is not your style, but I thought a minor change might be fitting. If you want something more pink, Koh-san says he'll need two weeks. I'll try to procure a new hat for you on my way to the office, but you'll have to come in if you want it. While you're there, we can go over some administrative details.

Also, Kotetsu-fukutaicho informs me there will be a captain's meeting in the late afternoon, possibly a de-briefing by the Soutaicho.

Remember, TEA with breakfast today.

Not signed, but Nanao-chan always wrote in the same voice as she spoke. Well, best get to the office and get the dressing-down he was so sure he deserved.

New kimono over his new coat, he passed by the mess hall—no sense dying on an empty stomach. Then again, as he looked around at the egg and meat dishes, his stomach gave a clear warning. So he settled for a bowl each of broth and rice and, heeding his second-in-command, a cup of tea. Everyone in the hall was subdued—barely eating and avoiding noise and direct sunlight as much as possible. Otherwise everyone looked fine, aside from the huge black eye on Tatsufasa-san. By all indications, then, everyone had fun the previous night.

From the sun, it looked to be mid-afternoon as he finally stepped through the office door. Sure enough, Nanao-chan was there.

"Taicho, good, you're finally up. Most of the minor administrative work is done. The scheduling can wait for tomorrow." Huh? Nanao-chan didn't put off anything. "You need to take a quick tour of the squad compound; a more formal inspection can happen tomorrow when everyone's up to it. After that, you've got a debriefing with the other captains. Then, you should stop by Ukitake-taicho's." As always, she's got everything timed to the minute. "And you end the night by taking me out to dinner—not at one of your Rukongai dives, either. I want something nice. Oh, and don't forget your hat." She handed him a large straw hat that was a lot more bowl-shaped and what was that about dinner?

He just blinked at her, following it with "Huh?"

"Your new hat. It was the best I could find on short notice, but—"

"No, um, I mean… dinner?"

She paused her filing but still didn't look at him. "Yes, dinner. When two people are together romantically, they sometimes eat meals and—"

"Wha—together? When… Oh, last night was…"

Her voice became small. "Yes, last night… was."

The reality of their situation sunk in for a moment before she continued, "Unless, of course, you don't mmmmnnnnhhhhh." The alternate contingency was cut off by his lips on hers, his arms lifting her off the ground and twirling her around. When he finally let her down, her glasses had fogged, and her face was flushed, her expression equal parts amused and frustrated.

WHAP

…then she hit him with the nearest scroll.

"I'm sorry, Taicho, but we must have certain boundaries so long as we're on duty." His surprise and disappointment abated as she said "There'll be time for that later." She started arranging the hat on his head. "Now, as I was saying, you can get a different hat if you want, but this should do for today." Her hands rested on either side of his head momentarily, then pulled him in for a somewhat gentler kiss. When she pulled away, she held up the tiny pinwheel she'd just stolen from his ponytail, and placed it next to the clip that held her hair back.

They looked at each other. Then, she started shooing him out of the office. "Now go. You've got work to do, and I don't want to be kept waiting. Seven o'clock sharp." She almost slammed the door behind him.

He stood for a few moments, wondering what the hell just happened? Then, as a chuckle escaped his lips, he realized he was likely going to be asking that question a lot in the future, and was just as likely to receive no answer. He went on to his meeting, smiling the entire time.

***

A/N: That's all there is to this one. Thanks to everyone who submitted reviews, particularly those comments on how I can improve the pacing, character voice, etc... This seems far too brief a story, but it feels like the necessary stuff is there. Shunsui's inner conflict & sad eyes: check. Nanao's discovery of this stuff: check. Fluffy end: check. If there's anything I need to expand/draw out/ expound further upon, please tell me. Elsewise, go in Peace, spread the Love, and may all the muses speak clearly to you.

--R. Patil